We really do need to have that talk I was asking you for recently. You told me “I have not made any plans or made any decisions nor do I know how to proceed from here”. As you know, I know that is not entirely true. I am walking around in a fog, I am puzzled and feeling lost and hurt - I don’t understand why I am being treated like I ran off and left my family behind? Over the years I have tried to connect, to help our relationship. You have agreed that change need to happen, yet now, when I am told to my face that you don’t like me, you don’t love me and further, you may never have loved me and I am the one being shunned?
From how I understand,your big gripe with me is that I have been "so stupid" to not understand that I should have started my career and me being unwilling to contribute… What hurts about this is the fact that as I didn’t focus on starting a career, per se, I worked up until the day I went into labor and continued working 6 weeks after Madigan was born. Through all the years that we continued raising a growing family, I was contributing – more than I would have had I taken a ‘real job’ and had paid for daycare. At the time there were no options of not bringing in that amount, anything less for the benefit of a more prosperous career was not in the cards. I brought in cash that paid for bills,food, our children and the horses, which was the idea of moving here in the first place. My focus was indeed on raising a healthy family, well adjusted children that were feeling loved and supported, instilling trust and independence; also to create a home to which you’d feel comfortable in, one to which you could come home to after work and kick back – Home, children, social... You never have had to worry about doctors appointments, school meetings, arranging activities, coordinating carpools,schedules, shopping, cleaning, sorting out issues at school, advocating,tackling bullying etc. I don’t want to sit here and list everything, as if I need to defend myself, I think you can see them if you allow yourself to do so. I so wish you could recognize the benefits of me having hustled and worked weekends, evenings etc in order to help support our family and also be present and supportive of you, our children and creating a loving home for us all. Knowing that you came from a broken home, my focus remained on creating a solid home and family. Looking at our children I feel I have done a dang good job!
I can’t beg you to understand, I can’t ask you to feel differently but I feel I deserve to understand why you think it is ok to treat me this way, to leave me in the dark, to exclude me from decisions and access from money, in turn tearing our family apart? It is clear that you have chosen to not want to be with me, but please, here I beg, treat me with the respect I deserve – if you can find no other reason to do so in your heart, please consider the fact that I am the mother of your children. I have not ever done anything to hurt you, I have stood by you through tough transitions, held the fort up through stormy times, had the rug pulled from underneath me - so many times, didn’t ask you to leave after abusing me and the situation the first evening I left Malin after she was born. You even decided to start drinking again – after having promised to never do so again and yet I didn’t ask you to leave because I kept thinking and hoping that with the right help we could make it work and we could make it even better. What hurts even more is that when discussing future; dreaming of moving down to a boat in the Caribbean during winter months once … Was that all a lie, was I ever part of your dream?
Now, while living on the same property and it seems to be your plan going forward, there has to be ground rules. There can be NO MORE aggressive tone, no more accusations and yelling in front of the children, not to me either – I do not deserve it. A budget has to be worked out, these are OUR children, if I am ever going to be able to focus on what you call “a real job” – which in itself is quite insulting – I need to not be consumed by worrying of how to support the girls, put food on the table, clean house and coordinating all activities – on my own. I have clients,my business has good potential but trying to juggle it all and get more biz is unreal. Parenting, running a home and getting a business off the ground while living in great uncertainty is no easy feat. Our children also deserve to know,they ask, they wonder, they are hurting a lot… Buffering and trying to ‘keep it together’and to not divulge details to them, celebrating Christmas sans your support in gift buying, covering when you [seemingly] forgot Madigan's birthday or chose not to put something in my stocking for xmas (Malin asking why Santa wouldn't give mommy a present when she does so much for everyone else), to keep a happy home – as much as I possibly can because they deserve nothing less, is also draining. Please take this into consideration going forward, please let me know what to expect, please communicate with me - I need to know what is going on on a daily basis and what to expect. You said you have checked out but that is not how it works with a family, you are either in or you are out, you don't get to be part of it however you please.