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Song quoted – all my friends by Snakeships. Describes my feelings perfectly if you just read between the lines.  As always, if you are offended by something, contact me so I can change it. Sorry for the bad English, this text is not as formal as former texts, but I felt it required a more informal tone based on the topic of the post.

First day of sixth grade. New school, new people, new me. Fine, I was twelve years old at the time, so I did not really have an “old” me, however I was excited to start a new school with my closest friends. We were five of us, one group of close friends. Very shortly after our school start, I felt a bit behind in everything. Not academic wise, but more socially, in this close group of five girls. At first, everything was fine, I had gotten a new phone, with touch screen, for my birthday just a few weeks before school start, so I was excited to use and display my new gadget. Makeup and clothes were not that big of an issue in the beginning, I thought.  


This all changed during our first sleepover when they would all get out their stuffed makeup bags when we woke up the following morning. We were twelve at the time, with perfect skin and without any need for any improvements. But I caved. I was so nervous when I went to the mall to buy my first concealer, and texted my mom IF I could buy this forbidden product. I tried to make a bunch of excuses, blaming my non existent dark circles and invisible imperfections. The relief when my mom texted “yes” back washed over me like a big wave.

This post will not solely focus on how I gave in to my close friends by buying cheap, low quality makeup that were to ruin my skin for years after. No, this post is written out of sheer anger caused by people I have encountered during these last couple of years that have not fully understood how current me (still) is affected by this quite brief period of my life. Maybe it is stupid, maybe they do understand but not care, or maybe, just maybe, am I exaggerating their tone and attitude because I’m the villain.

During my first year of middle school (högstadiet in Sweden, ages 12-15) everything happened. Middle school is often a difficult time for most people, the body changes, everyone figuring out their identities and where they belong in this confusing world. Im not different, I went through all of that as well, my body changed, I got my first period, my skin was oily, dry, problematic and filled with zits, all at the same time. In addition to that, my body image was not the best. Sure, not everyone is filled with confidence and self love at the age of twelve, but since I was fatter (yes, you’re allowed to say that without offending someone) and not conventionally attractive, my body image was even worse than the average teenager. It did not help one bit when my own friends, the ones that were supposed to love and support me, were subtly bullying me, without me first noticing. I normalised everything; “it probably did not mean anything when they didn’t make room for me on the couch” or “my jokes are probably not that funny anyways, its not their fault.

It’s not their fault. That specific thought was rooted into my brain without me making it a big deal. I used to wonder why I always felt sick when I walked to the school bus in the morning, and why I could feel the tears burning behind my eyelids when I closed the door to my room, and my mom asking “how was school today?”. The worst part of it all was that the next day, it could be like they’ve never treated me bad in any way. Like it was all in my head. The mood and attitudes could vary from day to day, and I would wonder. “Are they my friends? Do they want to hang with me?”. The fact that I never really knew where I had them or what kind of relationship we had. I deserved clear messages and signs from them. At the time, I wouldn’t have wanted that, but now I know that that was what I needed.
I never really got a grip of how much that year and those experiences affected me. Not until my first year of high school (gymnasiet in Sweden, ages 16-18), when I had a meeting with the school nurse. It was a mandatory check-in, just to get an understanding of our health. In some way we started talking about my previous friendships and I mentioned what I had been through and that it still was hard to talk about. I did not understand it. It happened years ago, why do I still get emotional when I talk about it? I do not know why. I did not know why. 

So why is this relevant today? A few years back, I regained the tiny bit of self confidence I had before that time, and continued building and developing it. I vowed to always put myself first, no matter how selfish it may sound. Through my entire life I have been prioritising other people, masking my feelings and limited myself for others well being. This has been destructive, too destructive. It almost killed my confidence and my well being. I hit rock bottom. 

All my friends are wasted 

And I hate this club

Man I drink too much

Another Friday night I wasted

My eyes are black and red

My newfound confidence and self love has caused some dilemmas and problem this last period of time. So much that I have on multiple occasions questioned myself and if it was wrong feeling so good with myself. Maybe I am victimising myself. But right now, I do not care. There is something majorly problematic with a young woman, not conforming to beauty standards, to question her own self love. Because of my life and what I’ve been through, my energy is so limited, that I can not waste it on people not respecting my past, or people that’ll make me question my own self worth. Maybe it seems harsh, but I’m so sick of people, especially those who have been bullied or dealt with mental health issues, not feeling worthy of some self love and respect.

My twelve year old self would not recognise, and probably not like, my seventeen year self. She would call me mean, rude, ignorant and disrespectful. And yes, I have in some ways turned into an stone cold hearted bitch who does not consider other peoples’ feelings and thoughts. But I finally love myself. I’ve never respected my. Own. Goddamn. Self. And at this point, I do not really care what the people that makes me question my worth have to say. Because in a few years, that won’t matter. I’m done having toxic people in my life. I will surround myself with people what will make me grow and improve in healthy, non destructive ways.

I’m not regretting what happened to me. If those years would have been any different, I would probably be feeling bad about myself, getting angry and annoyed every two seconds today. Which I am most of the time, but the difference is that now, it won’t destroy me. I’m finally strong enough to face these situations on a daily basis.

I will probably write more on this topic later on, because I know things will provoke me and the only way for me to handle this right now is to write, and in a sophisticated way, call some people out.

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(Please note that I am queer. I also have identified as straight for a long period of my life and didn’t until recently know that I was queer, so I can write this with both perspectives in mind. This topic is very hard but important, so if you feel targeted or like I call you out or is uncomfortable with a part based on misrepresentation etc, message me so we can discuss it and I’ll remove the parts.) 

Last year, I was in a situation where I would discuss sex with a large group of peers. We had a white board where we would write down terms we associated with sex. Everything from different sexualites to more intercourse-related words came up on the board. One girl told us that she had seen a video with a man being pansexual because he “wanted to have sex with trees and bushes”. Based on her facial expression and tone while telling this, I can safely assume her intentions was not to class pansexuality as being attracted to everyone and everything, rather bringing that issue up for discussion to clear things out. Another person, pansexual, did not take it this way and instead thought her peer actually classed oansexuality as attraction to everyone and everything. She became upset and started yelling, as I can understand. She has, with millions of other lgbtq+ people (including me), gone through life with doubt, questions and lack of representation whilst struggling with numerous of other issues. The frustration builds up continually and that comment regarding how to class pansexuality was the needle that bursted the balloon. 

Since I am queer, I can relate to and sympathize with her and understand her outburst. My parents grew up in a world where homosexuality was classed as a disease and was curable. We’ve fought so long and hard for so little progress. It takes so much energy and time to fight for your rights and equal treatment from peers and government. That fight and simultaneously dealing with other dilemmas unrelated to sexuality, is hard and tough.

However, we need to understand why people doesn’t know what pansexuality is or why they don’t “validate” it. Many times it is because of hatred, fear, ignorance or anger. But not always. Various times it is because it is new. The lgbtq+ community has not existed for a long time. Until recently, homosexuality was the other sexuality despite heterosexuality. Our school system and government is not enough updated to have adjusted to these recurring “discoveries” of sexualities and therefore can not involve quality education about lgbtq+ related topics. Also, the generation teachers and other workers did not grow up with all this information about lgbtq+, so they can not teach students about it. My generation, today’s youth, we are the ones actually living and experiencing the shift of attitude and amount of information regarding different sexualities. 

Like I earlier stated, I did not know my sexuality until recently, and I constantly question “what I am”. In a few years, with more experience, I might have found out something else about me that affects my identity. Just because the label “queer” is the one I am the most comfortable with now does not automatically mean that I was born with all this information and knowledge. No, what I know today is because of research and reading healthy conversations between lgbtq+ and cishet people. Those conversations has not contained screaming, impatience or any sign of disrespect towards the other part. 

Now I know this logic that I am showing is similar to the “not all men” rhetoric that has existed for quite some time now, but I find that there is a distinct difference. If we go back to my situation I described in the beginning, the non queer woman (who told us about the video), did not show any sign of disrespect or hatred towards lgbtq+ people. She was genuinely wondering and asking other people about something she did not know about. Her comments were not accusing or condescending in any way. 

The “not all men” rhetoric is dangerous because the behavior (mostly) women fear can be found in any type of man. It is not limited to a type. Taking the risk with a guy can also lead to far more dangerous situations, such as rape, abuse and/or murder. Discussing lgbtq+ topics with cishet people who are disrespectful can, assumingly, also lead to dangerous situations, but the most normal outcome (worst case scenario) is often frustrated and/or angry people who disagreed on something. 

It is risky comparing those to situations and saying lgbtq+ should be more tolerant towards cishet people than women towards men, but this is all based on that specific situation from last year. 

My main goal with this topic was to get that experience of my chest, because it has weighed me down for a few months now. It was also to tell that most people can come of as ignorant because of lack of representation in society, not actual ignorance. Finally, when you find yourself in a situation discussing and/or explaining your sexuality to someone who don’t know, do not scream. I know it’s extremely frustrating and I do not know what you have been through, but screaming at that one person will only lead to actual ignorance and lgbtq+ discrimination which is the opposite of our goal with discussions and normalizing our community.

Thank you. 

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Current events

(Some parts will be in Swedish and some in English depending on topic and relevance. Lyrics from Black Eyed Peas’ song, “Where is the love?”)

“Father, father, father, help us. Send some guidance from above. Cause people got me, got me, questioning, where is the love?”

When I first started writing this, the date was 27th of January 2017. The date is also my primary reason for writing this, pouring my thoughts and views through an iPad and keyboard, sharing with a few lonesome whom occasionally clicks the link to my blog when it appears in their Twitter or Tumblr feeds. Despite my humble audience, it felt right. I don’t know if it’s the future journalist in me, or my stubborn motivation as a reaction to the events that has occurred these last couple of days. I also don’t know my plan with this, but I figure it will come as I write. I guess that is kind of the point, to transform my feelings into sentences with help from around 28-29 letters.  

Let’s get back to the date. Twenty seventh of January, two thousand and seventeen. For 72 years ago, 1945, the largest concentration camp Aushwitz-Birkenau was found and the prisoners was liberated from the Nazis. 72 years later, Donald J Trump became the most powerful man in the world. A man whom throughout a longer time has shown signs of right extremist opinions, with hate and prejudice as foundation.

I Sverige tillkännager Moderaternas partiledare, Anna Kinberg-Batra, att de ska mötas med Sverigedemokraterna för att samtala om framtida samarbeten inom olika politiska områden. Sverigedemokraterna är ett parti som grundats i nynazistiska och nationalistiska idéer, och som idag är ett av Sveriges största partier. 

Förra året kritiserades Socialdemokraterna, det styrande partiet, av Kinberg-Batra då de införde gränskontroller som reaktion av den stora flyktingkrisen. Kinberg-Batra som menade att gränskontroller och ett stängt Sverige inte är det Sverige vi är stolta över. Många uppskattade hennes kritik mot och ifrågasättande av statsministern, Stefan Löfven. 

Men varför hinner det då gå precis ett år tills Kinberg-Batra själv visar tecken på ett framtida politiskt samarbete med ett parti som grundat sina idéer och värderingar i stängda gränser, hat och förtryck? Partiledaren tillkännager detta samarbete på Förintelsens minnesdag, 27 januari. Min fråga är, hur kan lösningen på Sveriges och världens problem vara ett samarbete med ett parti som Sverigedemokraterna?

“But if you only got love for your own race. Then you only leave space to discriminate. And to discriminate only generate hate. And when you hate the you bound to get irate, yeah.”

A week ago, 20th of January, president elect Trump was inaugurated in Washington DC. The next day the largest inauguration protest march, Women’s march on Washington, was held. During his first week as president, Trump didn’t waste a second. He first signed an executive order to repeal the Affordable Care Act, Obamacare. 

ACA guaranteed free health care for around 20 million Americans. He also signed multiple executive orders affecting different pipelines around the country, one of which is the infamous Dakota Access Pipeline. DAPL has caused major controversy from environmental activists, native Americans and allies as the construction threatens sacred land and endangers drinking water for the people living there.

“As I’m getting older, y’all, people gets colder. Most of us only care about money makin’. Selfishness got us following the wrong direction.”

Passande nog får jag en skoluppgift som går ut på att hålla en redovisning om klassisk nationalekonomi, eller ekonomisk liberalism. Den går ut på fri handel, fri konkurrens och idéen om att människans behov ska avgöra priset på en vara. Låter bra? Problemet med detta system är att när staten inte ingriper, och med maktbehovet som finns i människans natur, kommer de svagaste rensas bort. Mannen som kom på detta system, Adam Smith, ansåg att arbetsfördelning kunde effektivisera produktionen och på så sätt tjäna in mer pengar till landet. I teorin, som med många andra konstruktioner, funkar detta, men med det här makt- och pengabehovet som finns, leder detta till “den starkaste överlever”. Mycket av detta system har inslag i dagens samhälle och ekonomiska värld. I de kapitalistiska länderna, såsom USA, går kärleken till makt före kärlekens makt och stora företag och politiker går ihop för att köra över minoriteter, svaga och oförsvarbara, endast för att tjäna ihop ännu mer pengar.

I am angry. I am angry, scared, disappointed, sad, worried. I feel everything. But I have not lost hope. Because hope is stronger than fear. When I first woke up this morning, my first thought was about the Holocaust. I thought, and hoped, people would walk around in black clothes, look melancholic and in some way remember and/or celebrate the victims and survivors from the Holocaust. But nothing. I thought everyone in school would compare the current situation with how it was during the 1930s in Germany. But nothing. I thought my teachers would want us to take time from our classes to actually remember what happened. But. Nothing. Not even a mention. Not a “by the way, this happened and it can happen again”. I think it is more important now than ever to remember how it happened. Adolf Hitler did not use physical violence to win the election. He won “fair and square”. He used hate, doubt, fear, ignorance and prejudice to diminish and oppress a group of people. A group that, throughout entire history, have been oppressed and persecuted by numerous privileged groups in different societies.

What may be shocking me the most is how many people out there, whom I thought were good, decent human beings and were accepting and tolerant, all of a sudden turn their backs on people who need support and help the most. A few years ago, when I was around eight or nine years old, I was proud. I was proud of my family, my fellow swedes and my country. I was proud of the world for, despite so much hate and problems, we stayed humane and hopeful. We were proud of diversity and tolerance. We consistently worked against hate and ignorance. We tried to constantly work to prevent “Holocaust 2.0”, or a genocide in general. But as soon it got a bit tough, as soon as we hit some bumps or stumbled across challenges, we started to loose hope. Everything we’d worked for, disappeared because our world leaders weren’t persistent enough.

In 2015, the world faced one of the biggest refugee crisis as the Syrian conflict entered its fifth year. This was a way for the leaders all over the world to show just how humane and hopeful they are. But no. In the beginning, multiple European and other countries geographically close to Syria, started taking in hundreds and thousands of refugees, offering them a safe place until the conflict could be resolved. Some logistical difficulties appeared, but despite it, presidents and prime ministers remained optimistic. A few months later, we started to see a change of direction amongst many leaders. The crisis didn’t get any better from countries’ desperate solutions. So instead, we stopped helping. The same people who earlier had swore not to give up on hope or solidarity, were on their way to do so. A year later, Donald Trump is president elect, a person who had, as I earlier mentioned, shown distinct signs of xenophobic and ignorant behaviour with supporters endorsing this kind of rhetorics. 

United Kingdom elected a new prime minister, whom also shown ignorant and xenophobic behaviour. This is just a few years after the US elects its first president of colour, after the European Parliament gets its first feminist political party and so much more. Where is this world going?

I don’t know where I wanted to get out of this text other than healthy ventilation of suppressed feelings. I will probably upload more in the future, since this mostly focuses on current events, with some elements from past years. If you read everything, thank you, and congratulations for managing to get through my faulty English (and Swedish) grammar. Also please comment suggestions for upcoming posts, whether it’s more litterateur or graphical content.

“Where is the love? Where is the love? Where is the love? Where is the love?”

Lisa Danielsson

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Just because I felt good looking here. Self love and confidence over self doubt and hatred. Bring yourself and others up rather than tearing each other down!!! 

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