This Saturday I got to spend with my family on dad's side, including my beautiful grandma who's turning 85 later this summer. She's the coolest grandma with a lot of humor and things to tell me about life. During my lifetime she's been traveling to many countries, exploring some of them with grandpa and others - like Oman - twice on her own! I can't get more impressed. When I grow up I want to be like her and still be kick-ass.
Yesterday I had some friends over and it was really nice. The vegan buffet was a real hit and I got to spend some time with almost all of the people I love to have around me. My great colleague Johanna happened to have a bottle of prosecco named Victoria at home so she brought it over, have to look for it next time while at Systembolaget (the liquor store in Sweden.) And to say something short about the sushi picture: Oh my God. It's my favorite lunch close to work: vegetarian sushi with cucumber, tofu, rice and a lot of avocado. And ginger of course. I've also started on a new book called The little Paris bookshop by Nina George. I feel like it's going to be a real nice feel-good now in the summer.
I'm going to Spain this week. I finally get to hop on a plane again and fly away. It's not that I don't like it here - I'll miss my friends a lot even though it's just three weeks. It's just that I love being on the move and find new spots in the world where I haven't been yet. And even though I'm going to an area where I've been many many times I feel like this time will be different. I'm a different person than who I was before graduating two years ago and I don't feel like laying on the beach all day everyday. I want to drive to nice cities near-by, I want to go surfing (apparently there's a surf break not too far from the house...) and I want to find all of the nice vegetarian restaurants I've never been to before. I also want to go the nice restaurants, beaches and pools where I've been many times before - but it's nice to have a balance, right?
Today I've been fighting with some thoughts that always hunts me while on vacation or traveling in general. I've been working a lot with body positivity the last year - working on accepting myself in every form. One of my most read posts when I started this blog was about loving our bodies just the way they are and always do what feels best and stop squeezing into to small jeans, holding in the stomach because "it's supposed to be thin" or care about those cellulites on the thighs. Here's the deal though: I'm very comfortable in any clothes (except the really tight dresses who show every curve on the body - still working on that one) and walking around in underwear (which I actually do a lot and don't really care who's seeing.) It's when I get to those warmer days when I'm wearing a bikini or short shorts I get uncomfortable. Which is weird since underwear is fine. As soon as that bikini gets out my confidence and acceptance goes away with it. It's such a stupid thing really, to judge yourself for not looking like the girls in the magazine. But everywhere I look, in ads and pictures on social media, I see that thin girl who looks like she's never had a bloaty day in her whole life. Or ever tasted pizza. Poor girl.
Anyway. With vacation comes anxiety because of this. I'm going to do my best to not think about how my body's "looking" while walking on the beach or laying down reading but it's hard. We all have good days and bad days. And for me I get crazy thoughts like "If I don't eat anything bad this whole summer I'll feel much better because I'll be thin." One summer, like 2012, I swear - I had only salad to eat for weeks. Just because I wanted to be "thin". Then I started working out for 4-5 times week for 2 hours, only running and lifting at the gym. Now when I see pictures from that year I feel sad - on every picture I look tired, thin, sad and had big dark circles under my eyes. I didn't look or feel healthy. But the last year I've felt healthy, felt like I look happier both to myself and others (and on pictures - what a difference!) I'm just more alive this way, not being the advertised "thin" woman. Because in the end we can only be who were born to be, right? Sure we can change, but what's the point if it makes us feel bad?
So to come to a conclusion: this summer I'll do my best to always walk, dance, smile, surf, swim e.t.c. with a smile and a "nothing can get me down"-kind of feeling. Because If I feel awesome, I'll probably be awesome aswell.
Love and light,