I think few of you will be able to tell me which flower is represented on the picture. I don’t blame you. A few days ago,I wouldn’t have been able to say it either though I have known its name since my childhood. They talk about it in Sissi, they sing about it in The song of music… these are edelweiss.
You have probably understood by now that nothing on this blog is there by chance. I put these flowers as a profile picture because, as the title says, they are my eternity flowers… since a few days.
Let me tell you the little story, you will understand better. A few months ago, I was with the Colombian guy in Vienna. This is the city we parted, I thought for a long time (which finally was not the case but this is another story). He left in the morning and my flight was in the evening so I had one entire afternoon on my own in Vienna. I decided to go to Schönbrunn Palace to visit the inside because we had only seen the gardens with the Colombian guy the day before. I was sad and tired as hell so I probably didn’t enjoy it as much as I should have. I mean… it was the former living place of Sissi, one of my role models in life! I know the three movies almost by heart because they were broadcasted each year around Christmas. The life of that woman and her incredible love story lulled my childhood. And that day in Vienna, while my heart was sinking because my love was flying away to Bratislava, I discovered that in fact, it was highly probable that the real Elizabeth was not at all in love with her husband but that her husband loved her fervently. A one way love. What a disillusion…
Where is the edelweiss in this story? It is arriving, it is arriving… at the end of the guided tour, as a good tourist, I spent a bit of time in the souvenir shop and I came across an amazing necklace. I thought it was a star. A wonderful shiny star. I decided it would embody everything that happened to me in the past few months: my Erasmus stay in Turkey, the German guy, the Colombian guy… This star was meant to be my lucky star, the one that had followed me since the beginning and that I was unable to see in my moments of despair. Now that I was gonna wear it and see it each and every day in the mirror, it would not be possible for me to lose my way anymore.
Yes, I gave all that meaning to this little necklace that I bought in the souvenir shop of Schönbrunn Palace. It was like the gift the Colombian guy never bought me, the embodiment of his promise to come and see me in Belgium very soon. It was an arm against this sadness that I was trying to stifle, a bright fragment of the happiness I had felt during the previous months. I remember having opened the little case in this restaurant where I ate alone, thinking about the Colombian guy. I looked at myself in one of the mirrors that were dressed up around the room. I looked at me with this tiny shiny necklace resting on my chest, and it was like looking at a stranger. After all, I was accepting everything that had happened to me during the last one year and a half, and by doing so, I was also accepting that I had become a different person. I didn’t know at that moment that it was just the beginning and that this wave of sadness that I felt was nothing in comparison with the huge tsunami that was going to follow later.
Life is strange. The necklace didn’t leave its place on my chest, neither during nor after the tsunami. I’m still wearing it right now. I was wearing it a few days ago, when the Portuguese guy stopped kissing me during a handful of seconds to take it between his two fingers and say:
“It’s really beautiful. It’s an edelweiss, right?”
At the moment he said it, I knew it was the truth. At the moment he said it, I knew I was wrong since that very day I bought the necklace in Vienna. It had never been a star. It was an edelweiss, since the beginning.
In life, things are always a question of perspective. That is what this necklace reminds me each and every morning now. This edelweiss reminds me that if I had been a fool three times in the past two years, it is because I was not looking at the things in the same perspective as my three terribles. I was seeing love where they were only seeing fun. It is not my bad more than theirs. It is just a problem of perspective. Now, slowly slowly, I begin to see the things in their viewpoint. And I have to say… I hate that. When I think about the Portuguese guy, a part of me is whispering:
"Look, you’re becoming like them. You content yourself with ephemeral relationships that bring you instant happiness but will never lead you to the eternity you were so eagerly searching for before the Kurdish guy."
Fortunately, as for now, it is just a whisper. It is just one guy, who will leave by the end of next month to go back to Portugal. A guy who can vanish from my life at any moment, and the thought of it makes me shuddering. I’m fed up with being vulnerable like that and at the same time… it proves that I’m not yet a lost cause, right? As detached as this condemned relationship is supposed to be, I still feel concerned. I like that guy. I like the moments we’re spending together but each time they finish, I feel this bitterness in the core of my heart that reminds me that it is not what I want.
I want a guy who will have the same perspective as mine. I want a guy who will see an edelweiss when I see an edelweiss or a star when I see a star, not a guy who will see an edelweiss when I see a star or the contrary. I want true love. I’ve always wanted true love, but it is only recently that I learned that true love is mainly a question of perspective. It doesn’t make it less big, less beautiful or less important, no… just more complicated to reach.
Here it is. Now you know why the edelweiss is my eternity flower. Each morning, when I see my necklace in the mirror, it reminds me that I’m seeking for eternity. Unfortunately, right now, I’m quite far away from that path. I’m lost in the arms of a handsome Portuguese guy who brings me both tenderness and insecurity. The funny thing is that he’s the one who has given me the edelweiss, in a way. Does that mean that all of this is meaningful at the end? Only time will tell!