bitter distractions and colder winds have been dragging me off track, leaving me at a place where I can't breathe because it looks so much like my past. the walls surrounding me aren't the same, but the flashbacks striking every hour and a half are. the scent of him is now where near to be found, but the songs which played in the background every dark night still plays in the ads on tv. shakingly i build my walls up but they keep crumbling down because they're built on such fragile ground. i'm trying so very hard so don't try to minimise what I've been through. don't try to silence me. don't tell me it was my own fault, what he chose to do. don't tell me I've already said it a million times. don't tell me I'm being repetitive. because when I was too young someone three years older than me let me confuse my body with a piece of meat. and I am still struggling to find some sense of peace. this isn't where I'd like to be, and I still wonder why it had to be me.

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That ad comes on on tv.
That ad with that song.
That song that throws you back in time.
That song that makes you want to run. And run. And run until your legs give in.
Because you remember it all and you can't seem to stop the memories from hitting the walls of your head causing a full blown chaos.
That one song that you used to love.
But that song that he also used to love.
That song that you used to listen to together. That song that played in the background so many nights.
That song that always will resemble the greatest pain you've ever faced and ever will face.
That one song.

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Today i woke up to the oh so famous british weather, which definitely isn't the most exciting thing in the world, but still for once I can appreciate it at least a little because today I'm for about two weeks leaving this island and this country!
Last week I booked a ticket home to Sweden, to visit my friends and kinda reconnect with my roots. Because no matter how much I've tried to disown my hometown, Stockholm, I know it will always be the place I return to and refer to as home. Which I never thought I'd admit? But I think it's one of the things many of us can't see or ever know until we leave for a longer time period. It lets you separate yourself from the city you are from, and see who you are without it and what it is without you. And I think that's a really good thing, because you both feel so much more independent when you don't rely on the safety of your hometown, and also you can for the first time really see the good in it. What you miss, and the things there you belong with. The unfinished business. And the best part is, it is just a town. It isn't something that magically disappears if you're away for a while. It will always be there, and you can return to it whenever you feel you want or need it. And so now, I feel I need to. I need to reconnect with what I came from, to be able to continue this journey. I've had some major realisations already from doing all of this, and being fully and completely out of my comfort zone. The most important one is how traveling to find yourself, makes you realise that you are not to be found within a town or between four specific walls, but within yourself. What you're searching for is already there inside of you, but sometimes we need some major changes to have that realisation. This will be a whole other post but oh well.
Anyways, tonight at eight I'm catching a flight to my hometown, and I sure will keep you updated on all the details of me getting lost and/or dying.

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I thought my fresh start would be the day I got on a plane with a one way ticket and left my old life behind, but it turns out it wasn't.
I come from a rather big city, constantly in motion and fast paced. It holds a way of life I enjoy, never slowing down and always something big up. But when you've spent your whole life running down the same streets, riding the same underground trains, you become blind to what it holds. Everything fades into a background noise, and so do you. Or at least I feel I did. It turned me into a faded version of who I am, and I forgot who I was without it. And so, I decided to at my first chance at it, leave it all behind to find out who I really am without it. Though, this was mainly an escape plan. Because this city did not only consist of the concrete it was made of, but of pain so excruciating I couldn't stand to be faced with it. Memories of a rock bottom I once had hit were engraved within the walls surrounding me, and I was desperate to get out.
And so I did.
I somehow managed to get my hands on a one way ticket to the Isle of Wight, in the U.K. And so I left, thinking I wouldn't ever look back. Thinking that the moment I put my right foot on the plane, my past would be gone. But as I soon discovered, this isn't how it works.
The pain I held as I boarded that plane stayed with me. It didn't miraculously heal. And I found this very frustrating. Especially when school started. Because I couldn't shake the feeling of falling into my so called "old self". Someone who I am not, someone I refuse to ever become. A wreck of stress. But this did wake me up into the realisation, I hadn't fully recovered from my long fall down to a rock bottom yet. It takes time, and it takes patience. So I wasn't ready. But had I messed up my chance at a new life? Thank god I understood I hadn't. I understood, that this was a time for taking chances if anything. This was the time to say fuck it, and live by it. And so, on a Monday night, I dropped out of school. I cut off my hair. I booked a flight. And that was when I began my new life. Because I've got time. School will still be there for me in a year, when I've had my time to get back to life, when I'm ready. And right now is a time for getting back to life. A time to throw myself out of my comfort zone, because I've lived sheltered in it for far too long. It's the time for taking chances, living. And I can't even bother to care about what a living breathing cliche I am, because it feels so damn good. So cheers to that, and let's go.

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