Today I realised for real how ugly I am. I hate seeing myself and what I've become, but I'm going to use this disgust as motivation instead of something that will bring me down
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Been to my mum's. It's always so relaxing there and I lose my control of food because stress keeps me from feeling hunger. But I've gained so much motivation, I haven't been this motivated for so long and that makes me happy. I honestly think 2016 will be good
I can't look at myself in reflections anymore, I hate what it shows and I feel disgusted
I didn't thought this would happen again to be honest. Even if I've gone through this on my own, I still thought I won the battle, by myself, and that's probably because I feel ashamed. Because I didn't won apparently. She's back. I'm saying "she" because that's how I picture her, Ana which is her name. The demon who settles down in my mind and reminds me how worthless, fat and ugly I am. She has knocked on my door before but I have been able to ignore it. But not this time. I'm not sure if I've open the door a little or just looking through the keyhole. I've missed her for a while now, maybe because I can't stay strong anymore. One part of me is relieved, the other part is scared to death. Maybe it's just a short term visit, I'm not sure and that's why I don't want to tell anyone. Don't want to worry anyone. But maybe I know deep down that she's here to stay for a while, that that's the reason why I'm writing this. A tiny call for help. But not loud enough for someone to hear.