Today I realised for real how ugly I am. I hate seeing myself and what I've become, but I'm going to use this disgust as motivation instead of something that will bring me down
Been to my mum's. It's always so relaxing there and I lose my control of food because stress keeps me from feeling hunger. But I've gained so much motivation, I haven't been this motivated for so long and that makes me happy. I honestly think 2016 will be good
I can't look at myself in reflections anymore, I hate what it shows and I feel disgusted
I didn't thought this would happen again to be honest. Even if I've gone through this on my own, I still thought I won the battle, by myself, and that's probably because I feel ashamed. Because I didn't won apparently. She's back. I'm saying "she" because that's how I picture her, Ana which is her name. The demon who settles down in my mind and reminds me how worthless, fat and ugly I am. She has knocked on my door before but I have been able to ignore it. But not this time. I'm not sure if I've open the door a little or just looking through the keyhole. I've missed her for a while now, maybe because I can't stay strong anymore. One part of me is relieved, the other part is scared to death. Maybe it's just a short term visit, I'm not sure and that's why I don't want to tell anyone. Don't want to worry anyone. But maybe I know deep down that she's here to stay for a while, that that's the reason why I'm writing this. A tiny call for help. But not loud enough for someone to hear.