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Today my improv teacher told me that I am good at playing vulnerable. And I was like, wait what? Do you really got the right person? I've always had a really hard time being vulnerable. Every time I start feeling like I'm getting there I get really confused or uncomfortable and I just want to slap myself in the face. I have had such an anxiety to go up on that stage lately, I feel like all my classmates has such strong characters in them, like their personalities really shine on stage. But then there's me and when I'm up there I feel like I don't know who I am. I don't know what character I do best when it comes to improvisation. I think the scary thing about improv probably is that it lies closer to ourselves. It's not scripted so we can't hide behind any lines, there's no script directions telling you what to do.
I feel like I've done everything I can to hide the control freak I am on that stage, I've been trying to push all the anxiety away, I've tried to take away the things I like least about myself. But then I realized, maybe that's what it's all about? Maybe I feel like I don't have any personality on that stage because I'm doing all that I can to take away everything that is me? I am a control freak, I am sometimes very anxious, I am a person who worries. But when it comes to comedy, isn't that a really fun character? I finally understand what embracing your freak means, maybe that's the key to improvisation, maybe that's how I will find myself on stage.
Truth is, I've always been the girl who desperately want someone to care, I'm dying to let that guard down. And if I can't do that in real life yet, maybe the stage can be my safe place? Maybe the stage can teach me to love that part of myself.
Right now I'm sitting at Cafe Magazzino and taking a little lunch break. I had an audition at 10 this morning and I have another one at 6. After that I'm going to go see some improv shows. Sooo busy Friday for me! So December is here and I love it. The older I get the more I love the winter. Or is it just because the winter is sunnier in LA? Yeah haha, that might be. Cold but sunny, perfect if you ask me.
In 3 weeks I'll take a little break from my daily life and I'll be sitting on a plane to New York. Can't think of a better place to celebrate Christmas, it's gonna be epic.
I think I live a pretty interesting life. It never stops surprising me. One day I can find myself at the top of the world and the next day at the rock bottom. One thing I can say for sure is that it never gets boring. Yesterday me and Yas took our usual walk through the villa neighborhoods in Burbank. We danced around, looked weird, pretended to be worriors, maybe a princess on a horse with armor. Haha my fantasy is running wild. We're like kids and imagination is such a big part of our lives. I love it, we all should be more like kids, sometimes.
It doesn't matter how bad it gets, how hopeless it feels, causes I know that soon there will be a day where I feel hopeful again, where I feel that crazy amazing happiness. And it's so worth it, waiting for it, fighting for it. I never want to live a gray life. But my life is nothing like gray.
Lunch at our favorite place!
My biggest inspiration for so many years. Her performances are one of the big reasons I got so into acting. The fact that someone can be so good without any training shows that sometimes it's just in us. Sometimes we are just simply made for it. I look up to her because she's such a strong woman. Joy, Katniss are both to strong female characters that has made me feel stronger as a woman. Films, stories and characters can change lives. I'm sure of it. It happened to me. And I just had to post these pictures, because well, she's stunning. She's one of the best actresses I know, and Hollywood can really use a person like her. Honest and real. Love ya.
Yesterday was such a success! It was the first thanksgiving dinner for most of us and I think we all had a really good time. Josh, Yas and I spent the whole day and afternoon cooking and getting everything ready for the night. Yas has been doing some major decorating in the apartment so let's just say that we have a lot of christmas spirit in here now!
I will probably have to add thanksgiving to the list of one of my favorite holidays, I mean it's almost like celebrating christmas twice. Good food, christmas music, friends and family, yeah thanksgiving is very similar to christmas. I can't believe we hosted our first holiday dinner haha! I remember as a kid when either your own family/parents hosted the dinners, or when you went over to friends houses to celebrate, you never really had to worry cause you just followed your parents. Well I guess I can really say that I'm a grown up now haha, and it feels AWESOME!
Thought I'd share some pictures from the Red Carpet premier the other night! I sometimes forget to have fun, forget to spend time with my friends. It's hard to quiet the little voice inside my head who's telling me I'm not here to have fun, that I'm only here to work. But that's not true, life is suppose to be fun. And this night was a lot of fun!
Me and Yas had a Boba at Urth, then we decided to walk down Melrose where Marc Jacobs happened to have some sort of event night. We stayed there for a while and after that we headed to the red carpet premier for ''The sex trip''. It's always fun watching new movies that are coming out. The more time goes by the more I fall in love with movies. Before all I really wanted to do was to preform, be in movies, be on stage, have fun. But the older I get the more I love everything behind it. I watch a movie and fall in love with a story, a character, the cinematography. I want to be in movies now so that I can be characters, live other peoples lives, get an understanding for them. I want to be in a story, be a character that inspires other people. It's not enough for me anymore the thought of being in a big movie and get famous. Now I need to be in something that means something, that has an impact on people, I want to be in things I can be proud of. I understand the art of it all now, and that's when I truly came to love it. I know I've always loved storys, and I've always wanted to be in one myself, I wanted to be the characters in the books I read. But now I just want it even more.
I could talk about movies forever. So if you ever need to talk movies, you know where to find me! Now I'm gonna keep preparing for the audition I have tonight. Talk soon!
Today a stranger said to me ''You are going to do great. I just have the feeling, and I don't get that feeling very often''. It made my day, just those few words. She took away all my worries for a second, she made me feel so happy and strong, and I don't even know her. Sometimes I think to myself, that the day I make it big I'm going to use my voice to make a change, I'm gonna use it to help others, to help change the world. But why wait? Truth is, we all have a voice, and it deserves to be heard. Even if it's just your friends and family listening, that's enough. One person can't do everything but we all can do something. In times like these, we need each other, let's help each other get inspired.
It's Thanksgiving week here in America. Why don't we celebrate that in Sweden? It's such a great Holiday. I think we all should take some time once in a while to really count our blessings. Here is a few things I'm thankful for:
- I am thankful for the Lady I spoke to today. I am thankful that someone who doesn't even know me takes her time just to tell me that she thinks I'll do great and give me a hug. Kindness is such a simple thing, still we don't show it often enough. It doesn't take a lot to make someones day, just a few kind words. So thank you for reminding me of that.
- I am thankful for my Internship that somehow has become a second home. Who would have thought? Sometimes life surprises you with things you never thought you'd do or have. I love being there, it makes me so happy. And I'm so thankful that someone can trust me enough to have me come in and work and believe that I'll do a good job.
- I am thankful for the fact that I have a dream. My dream gives my life purpose, a reason to keep going when everything feels dark. It makes me want to be better, it makes me want to be strong and to never run away. I am thankful for everything I have to go through because of it.
- I am thankful for my family. I am thankful for the endless support I get, for everything they have done just so i can be where I am today. I am thankful that I grew up with such good people around me, with so many people to count on. I love you.
- I am thankful for all the good things that's happening in the world. I am thankful for the people fighting for a better future, who dare to speak up, who are trying to make a change. I am thankful that I have so many great people to look up to.
- Last but not least, I'm thankful that I am me. I am thankful for being alive and somewhat healthy. I am thankful for all the things I've been going through, good and bad. Without all that, I wouldn't have been the person I am today.