​Hello there friends <3

I am officially back from Hell. THANK GOD! I think that "holiday"will  have to be one of those events you just forget to mention. Sooo Im back at the boyfriend's house, I slept for pretty much all of yesterday since I got fuck all in Busselton thanks to my horrifically uncomfortable mattress. Although the new Batman game is out so my boyfriend is only technically here. I am soo ready to go home, not that I dont love being here but I think Im finally bored. I wanna start working and exercising and all that fun stuff. My underwear is getting a bit tight so I neeeed to get to the gym ASAP. Its going to be brutal leaving Sean after this last month. Leaving is hard enough but when we get used to being together everyday for a month - yes this is gonna suck. 


Anyway, tying into the title, Im watching some random video of some girl braiding dreads into her hair and it started playing on my mind that even if I wanted dreads, I kinda couldnt get them. My boyfriend's mum is uber conservative and even if she doesnt say anything, she already barely likes me so I cant really risk it. WHICH PISSES ME OFF. I cant stand people you have issues with how other people choose to look. Im not a bad person because of anything I decide to do to my exterior. My mum is completely different and has no beef with my choices, which is how it should be. Ever since Sean and I got together I have had to base most of my decisions on if his mum will approve. 

DOES ANYONE HAVE THIS PROBLEM?

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You're so nice and
You're so smart
You're such a good friend
I have to break your heart
I'll tell you that I love you then I'll tear your world apart
Just pretend I didn't tear your world apart

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Hello there friends.



Can I have a hug? Or an escape rope? Or for crying out loud a fucking cigarette.



I feel so defeated. My stomach hurts, nobody's happy with anybody, I have no way of getting away and everything I try to do to make it better is failing. I don't know anymore. Why can't this go away? I can't go home until Thursday for crying out loud.



Today was meant to be better but as expected it started with hostility and stress. My mum and I were left with my cousin while the other two went out and Mum decided we would go to the movies. Cool. I can handle that. Every time I tried to handle things I felt attacked. I was trying to control the kid so at least that would be easy, but no, one thing after another after another. We finally get into the cinema and I can't turn my brain off, I worried the whole time what was going to happen next and what I could do to fix it and blah blah blah. So most of the movie was in one ear an out the other but I didn't enjoy the most part. HOWEVER that doesn't mean I got to relax, the kid still demanded my attention, I was still in pain and I still waned to go home.

After the movies, we went to a store and while Mum tried on jeans I got myself some comfy pants. Because I'm sad and grumpy and according to my grandma, fat. Yeah you read it right. I went to work out yesterday and my grandma pipes up, "Make sure it's a solid two hours. You're looking flabby." THANK A BUNCH. So I feel great about myself right now. Do you like the pants? Am I a hippie yet?

I never wanna leave my bed. The fort is still in full swing so I'm just in a little box. It's quite nice if I ignore the springs digging into my back. Whoever rents this house out is a prick. I probably had more to say but I'm exhausted. I wish I was happier guys. I'm sorry. For now I just need to be curled up in aball, in my bed.

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Shit hit the fan. Shocker.

Hey guys. It's been a shockingly long night. In the space of two hours things went from Heaven to Hell and to be Frank I'm not surprised at all. Are you? If you have read my last posts about my situation you won't be. For newcomers, basically, my family is a ticking time bomb. If we're together, something WILL go wrong. There's way too much resentment amongst us for everything to go smoothly. Tonight, my mum flipped. It was long overdue, my grandmother's had it coming for uh 40 years.
So, if you're interested, stay tuned because I'm sure to be angry/upset enough tomorrow to hop on here and share the gory details.

Even if the numbers aren't really high, it means a lot that you read this. Yes you. Just having you to listen makes it all easier, and that means a lot to me.
Cya xx

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So amongst today's bullshit I snuck into a Miller's to have a look at their sale. 80% off!!! Anyway, for the most part it caters to older ladies and is mostly ugly, shapeless crap BUT I have a weird talent for walking in and finding one really cool piece that is really unique and usually inexpensive - home girl ain't got no cash money dollahs.

So I present



I love it!! It's the nicest velvety material and it so soft on my skin. I love cardigans so much but most of them make me look like a housewife. This one, paired with my hair cut, I feel makes me look like a struggling art student that has decided to experiment with girls. I am so unsure of if I like this haircut so it's not often I take a selfie I actually like these days..

​Talk to everyone later ♡

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Silly me for thinking this trip would stay pleasant. This stupid fucking hierarchy amongst these people is, well, stupid. I'm really sick of feeling invisible. I get treated like I'm invisible UNLESS I'm having orders barked at me like I'm a maid. If I'm such a fuck up, leave me alone.
Absolutely everything is on my nerves today, I just feel crap about everything. I wanna go home; not that I really have a designated home at the moment.
I just want someone to talk to that can make it all better.
So I guess for now it's just me and my music.
oh and i built a fort :) ♡


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I could be a smack freak
And hate society
I could hate God
And blame Dad
I might be in a Holocaust
Hate Hitler
Might not have a child
And hate school
I could be a sad lover
And hate death
I could be a neuro
And hate sweat
No
I hate my way

I make you in to a song
I can't rise above the church
I'm caught in a jungle
Vines tangle my hands
I'm always so hih and it's hot in here
I say it's all right 

My pillow screams too
But so does my kitchen
And water
And my shoes
And the road

I have a gun in my head
I'm invisible
I can't find the ice 

A slug
I'm TV
I hate 

A boy, he was tangled in his bike forever
A girl was missing two fingers
Gerry Ann was confused
Mr. Huberty
Had a gun in his head 

So I sit up late in the morning
And ask myself again
How do they kill children?
And why do I want to die?
They can no longer move
I can no longer be still 

I hate
My way  

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Hello friends.

This coming Tuesday is my mother's 40th birthday and, to celebrate, my Aunt rented out a beach house in Busselton(coastline of Western Australia). About a 2 hour drive from where I normally stay in Perth. One house, my mother, aunt, grandmother, cousin & me. Sounds great right? Did I forget to mention we all hate each other?

Maybe that's an exaggeration but in long periods, with the exception of mum and myself and the four year old, no one gets along. Even the kid tests my patience. THIS has been a fact since I can remember although only my mum and I seem to be willing to admit it. We just clash. My grandma believes her way is the right way and everyone needs abuse in their day, my aunt is unpredictably bitchy and untrustworthy and mum and I just wanna do our thing. We have our lives and we are happy with them for the most part. HOWEVER, my beautiful, stuck up grandmother will lecture you and make you feel like shit about anything.

So you can imagine how good I felt after two hours alone with her in a car with nothing but my choices to talk about.

​These two photos are from my walk today. I've been writing this update over a few days. Beautiful beach and the house is awesome. Tonight was SO WEIRD. We all hung out and laughed and none of it was bullshit. I also had a close talk with my Aunty which i haven't done in a seriously long time. 


It's time for me to sleep.  Talk to you tomorrow friends 

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Hello beautiful internet friends.

I'm visiting my partner currently so I haven't really had time to update. It doesn't translate too well wanting to update a blog with him sitting right there, especially since I dont have a phone at the moment. Ew, people just came home. Anywayy, as per the image I have just started American Horror Story Season 1. Pretty damn good, a lot of weird scenes but I suppose that's the aim of the show. Unfortunately one too many of the scenes are things that I can't really deal with all too well. Infidelity, self harm, fear; themes far too dominant in my life that I just can't come to terms with at the moment.

I used to have a lot of control, I think, over my emotions and feelings and reactions. These days I have been unnervingly affected by other people's feelings, even in television. Watching shows actively makes me feel sick because I feel too deeply what the characters feel. In AHS's case; I have had to walk out of the room and calm myself down because of what I see on this show. I've seen what I believe to be everything, every bullshit illegal movie that my and 99% of the countries on the planet have banned. Not until recently have I started to changed based on what I see. I've become paranoid during the show, afraid of what is happening on the show, worried that my daughter is depressed. I DONT HAVE A DAUGHTER.

Apparently I don't feel anything. I have become a blank canvas. If people around me are hostile, I'm hostile, happy people make me happy, sad people make me sad. I don't know what it has to do with my depression or my anxiety. I want help but I also want to keep doing what I'm doing now. There's a lot that I want to talk about but I can't get it out and I have no one to talk to. No one knows what I am feeling and no one is taking it seriously. I love my friends and my mum but I can't talk to them. It's not their fault, it's not anyone's, specific problems need specific help and I don't know if it exists.

Good rant Lily.

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Generic image is generic.

How is everyone? Better than I am I hope. I really wish I knew where feels came from, There I was, in the shower, minding my own business, and bam, a thousand memories come back and hit me like a train. Why? Why did washing my face lead to remembering events that I NEED to leave in the past?! I cant go into detail because I have no way of knowing who from the real world is reading but I hope some of you can relate to the idea of "thinking yourself sick". Does sadness ever make anyone else feel like there's a person sitting on your chest? I don't care for this.


I don't know what to say, these posts are so pointless when all I am doing is vaguely mentioning how I feel. Hopefully food makes me feel better. Day 3 vegetarian <3 Spinach and potatoes.

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lighting is subject to change