Vad har hänt sen sist? Sen i våras?
Jag blev förälskad, trodde inte det skulle hända. Inte på det här sättet...

Jag hade gett upp tanken om att dejta, ville inte se en dating app eller människor som var intresserade av mig.
Under perioden när jag träffade Han så var jag deprimerad, sjukskriven och trött på livet. Ville trycka på paus och försöka finna mig själv och inte vara ledsen mer.
Han träffade jag ute, på en bar några timmar efter jag sagt att jag inte ville dejta mer. Att jag gett upp hoppet om människor och att detta var mitt singel år.

Den dagen umgicks jag med vänner och planerade in en överraskning till en gemensam vän som fyllde 30år. Det började med videoinspelning, öl och slutade upp med fest på stammisbaren.
Jag satt utanför ledsen och pratade med min vän, var helt glittrig och ville inte stanna. Då kom Han, han följde med min kompis pojkvän. Vi sa hej men jag var inte sugen på att prata.

Han satte sig bredvid mig och frågade varför jag inte var inne med de andra. Jag öppnade upp mig, berättade varför jag var ledsen och deprimerad. För en gångs skull så skrämde jag inte bort någon, han tröstade mig och jag blev på bättre humör.
Vi gick in dansade och hade kul.

Men jag föll inte riktigt än.. kvällen var fortfarande ung.. När vi gick till sista stället den natten, när jag av misstag tog i Hans hand. Det var då jag föll.
Vi har inte varit ifrån varandra mer än någon natt då och då sedan dess. Jag minns inte ens hur det var utan honom i mitt liv. Det enda jag vet är vad han får mig att känna.

När jag är med honom så försvinner min ångest, han gör mig glad, vi skrattar hela tiden, han bryr sig genuint om mig, han tar hand om mig, han kysser min panna när jag sover, han håller min hand när jag är ledsen. Trots han vet min historia så älskar han mig. Och jag honom.
Hur kan jag tänka mig ett liv utan honom när han får mig att känna det jag känner just nu.

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Det var ett tag sedan jag skrev, livet har gjort en drastisk förändring.
Jag skriver nu på svenska, vilket inte är mitt modersmål så det kommer bli grammatiskt konstigt ibland.. Men så är livet.

Vaknade nyss efter en mardröm, eller snarare så blev jag väckt från en mardröm. Har haft ångest idag, känt mig ledsen och nerstämd men inte riktigt förstått varför.
Efter mardrömmen så förstår jag, jag inser varför och försöker ta djupa andetag. För två år sedan var jag gravid, lyckligt ovetande och det skulle bli en av de lyckligaste och svåraste perioderna i mitt liv. Dagen det plussade på graviditetstestet, gravid i 8:e veckan, var jag så glad men även rädd.. Mitt ex och jag hade inte varit tillsammans så länge, jag var orolig för vad han skulle säga men kände mig lite lugn. Vi hade pratat om att skaffa barn i framtiden, framtiden kom bara snabbare än vad jag trodde.

Hur fel kan man ha? Hur mycket smärta ska man behöva utstå? Jag hade ingen aning för exakt två år sedan, så lycklig ovetande om att jag skulle genomgå något som förändrade mitt liv helt.

Spolar fram i tiden lite, gravid ca v12, jag och mitt dåvarande pojkvän har gjort slut. Han säger att jag förstör hans liv för att jag vill behålla barnet, jag är helt sönderstressad och vet inte vad jag ska göra. Går tillslut med på att göra en abort för hans skull (gör aldrig något för någon annans skull, det kommer bara göra dig olycklig) men ångrar mig då jag sitter på abortkliniken. Börjar gråta, känner mig ensam, önskar jag hade någon som kunde hålla mig i handen.
Barnmorskan var väldigt fin, hon lyssnade på mina tankar, mina rädslor och sa att jag behöver inte bestämma mig just i dag.
Jag andas djupt och lugnar mig, berättar sedan att jag har varit stressad ett tag och det har inte känt rätt "nere i magen", som om något är fel.
Hon säger att vi gör ett snabbt ultraljud och så vet vi att allt är bra.

I gravid v12 får jag missfall, hela mitt liv vänds upp och ner. Jag vet inte vad jag ska ta vägen, allt jag någonsin önskat var att få bli mamma men nu har min kropp stött ifrån sig drömmen. Bara några dagar innan min födelsedag ligger jag hemma hos min kompis och blöder.

Två år senare, med djupa sår i själen så inser jag att jag har läkt men inte helt klart. Fortfarande öppnas såren och gör mig påmind om tidigare händelser.
Jag är starkare nu, jag vet att det inte var mitt fel, jag är redo för att släppa sorgen. Men ändå håller jag försiktigt kvar den i mitt hjärta, rädd att glömma mitt ofödda första barn. Rädd att aldrig någonsin få bli mamma. Men det är bara rädslor och en dag kommer jag vakna upp och inse att det gör inte ont längre, inga fler mardrömmar från förr...

Bild: Tagen för två år sedan, lyckligt ovetande

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Still regretting my decision. Cried myself to sleep last night. Why can't I let him go? I can have dates when ever I want. Why do I cry after him? Why do I want him? He's not good to me, I can't even trust his words anymore. So why do I want him in my life? He made me cry, he made me feel worthless... So why do I want him back? Why does it feel like I need him back? I felt okay for a few hours yesterday but then when I got to bed I felt like shit again, I wanted him to lay beside me. I want to feel him sleeping next to me, hearing his heartbeat and hold him.
Why do I miss hearing him snore at night, why do I miss just having him close. He made me unhappy and I can't really imagine him making me happy. But why do him want him back? Don't I want to be happy? Or do I just wish that he could make me happy?

Or am I just afraid to be alone..?
I won't be alone, I have friends and I have dates. But it doesn't feel like when I'm with you. Everyone in my surrounding dislike you, but I don't and you are the one the hurt me most. You torn my heart apart and made me cry so many times. But still I'm here, wanting you back and missing you.
I wish we never met.. I'm sorry.
Go find your happiness and I'll go find mine.

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I regret it.. shit, I regret it..

What can I do? It's to late now. I can't call him, I can't text him. Why couldn't I take more time? Why do I love him so much?
Why can't I just let him go?

The pain in my chest, I try to act strong. I try to think of what's best for me. I try to listen to my head and not my heart. But everything hurts so much. I just want to be in his arms again, kiss his lips once more.
I can go on dates and try to act like I'm all over him.. But that what I'm really feeling? Or am I just being crazy now? Being sad in this moment? Maybe I'm overreacting right now and just crying because I'm tired?

But my heart is so empty right now. I wish we could try again, I wish we could be the one for each other. I have always been strong and could breakup with people. But with him I can't let go. I want to try once again. But would it be different. Would this time work out for us? I don't really know, I just don't want to give up yet. Or maybe that's just my heart.

My head thinks this is stupid, why would I cry for someone that have hurt me so much, made me feeling like I wasn't worth anything. But still I'm here, crying and wanting him back. Just try once more. I've never cried this much for anyone before. Why does my heart feel so much, why did my heart pick him?
Maybe someday the tears would stop and the pain in my heart would go away. But today I just want to stay in bed, not doing anything. I can't even eat anything, I just want the pain to go away. And everything would be okay between him and me.

Maybe one day I'll be okay, but today is not one of those days...

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I didn't update yesterday. I spent all day in my sofa and cried. Yesterday was a low point for me.

So what happen?
I don't really know where to start.. I met my ex when I was out partying with my friends. We spoke and I haven't lost my feeling for him, I still love him so much. He begged me to take him back, a new chance a new start. He said he could move pass everything that happened in our relationship, he said that he's in a much better place now and he is able to be there for me now. He miss me, my smile and being with me. He begged me to go home with him and talk.
I couldn't, I can't do that because I know that it can't be us again. We might love each other but we are not good for each other.

Yesterday I was so sad all day, thinking what I should do. What I wanted. Could we work out? Or is it to late now? I couldn't move, I couldn't eat. My heart was aching and I just wanted to be with him again.
We spoke for 2 hours last night... he promised me that he would change, he would be there for me when I needed him. He would change everything for me if I just came back. He said that he won't do what he always do when we fight and he wanted to make me happy. I cried, he cried. It's so much love and feelings between us.
But I can't do it again, I couldn't start something that would ruin me emotionally again. And I miss him, I miss him so much..

I said I can't go back, I'm afraid that it would be the same again. We tried so many times already. We just end up fighting and him leaving me..
He told me that this time it wouldn't be like that, this time we would be a real family and move in together. We could fix this because we love each other.
But I can't, I don't trust his words anymore. It's not the first time I hear him saying those words and it always ends.

I finally said: I can't be with you. We are not at the same place right now. You hurt me to much. I'm not ready for a relationship. We ruined me, I can't believe in your words. If we met in a different time or didn't have all the trouble we had I would come back. But I'm to hurt, I'm to afraid and I can't give you what you want or need and you are not the one for me. I will love you for a while but it will fade one day. I loved you all along, but I have to be strong. So I'll say goodbye now, block my number and I'll block yours. Don't call me anymore or text me. I'm so sorry, I love you and good luck. You will find happiness but not with me.

We hung up and I cried.
Today I'm emotionally drained and I'm sad. The first thing I did when I got home was having a glass of wine. That's how I survive right now. Wine.

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So last night, after a fair with work and being drunk I texted him. And a lot of other guys.. but the thing that hurt me the most was texting you, no answers after the last text. I was so drunk that I misread your text and I regret it today. Why do I always text people I like when I'm drunk.. why don't you reply. I say to everyone that I'm ok, I'm not sad and it's ok. But my heart is breaking inside and I know me so well... the only thing that helps now is getting drunk, kissing people that I might not like to get the emptiness in my heart to go away. Maybe I should not drink today, well it's already to late because I have already had 2 glasses of red wine.
But why do my heart hurt this much, why do I always do this?

Last night a had a few drinks with work, then I went to a friend and we had more. I couldn't even walk home... so I stayed at my friends home, we spooned all night and it felt better. But as soon as I came home I couldn't stand this feeling anymore, I just stared out into nothing. Until I had my first glass of wine. It started feeling better, you left my mind for a while. I started texting to other people, guys that want to meet me and wants to be with me right now. But why can't I let you go. Why are you this important to me? I barely know you, I spent a few hours with you and had an amazing weekend.

So today I'm gonna unfollow you, I'm gonna stop myself from feeling sad and surround me with my friends. Maybe I'll get drunk tonight, maybe I'll meet someone new. Maybe I'll start getting feeling for someone else.
So let's have another glass of wine and start this party again.

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Today I went to my first date after I met you, the first tinder date after Barcelona. It was just a walk, it took less then a hour. I felt nothing, I still miss you and I still want to wake up next to you. But it's okay, because you are happy memories for me. One day I won't miss you as much. We don't barely talk anymore, and I miss that, I miss hearing your voice. Maybe one day we will meet again, maybe I won't feel as strong as I do now. My friends say that I fall to easy, that I fall to deeply in first best one. But I don't think that's the problem... I feel like I'm always fall for the wrong one, the one that can't love me the way I want or need right now.

How is it that people can't see people that might be right for them even if they stand right infront of them? I have a few friends that would be right for me but I don't fall for them... I can't even get the right feelings. Is it something wrong with me? Last summer I met someone that would have been perfect for me, but I couldn't get the right feelings for him. Why is it like that? Why is it so hard? Why can't we pick the one we fall for? Is it that it's not the right one for us if we don't fall or does feeling grow on us?

My last relationship was for about 2 years long. I fell deeply and madly in love at first sight, he didn't have the same feeling for me at first. His affection for me took a while, but we were in love, we were crazy in love. But after 6 months I got pregnant and everything fell apart. He panicked and wanted an abortion, I couldn't do it. It didn't feel like I could do it, even for him. After a lot of fights I left him and decided to do an abortion. I got a misscarriage before that... It almost killed me emotionally, I was so sad and couldn't cope with the lost. We got back together but you could never understand my sorrow and feelings. Everyday with you reminded me of my loss, and your ignorance to my feelings made it worse. We tried for 8 more months, then had a hugh fight during a vacation. You left me and I started healing, started dating again and got happier and starting to enjoying life. But you came back into my life, we decided to try again. Why did we do it? Why did we try again? We would just fail again, we wasn't right for each other. You said mean things and I couldn't cope with the misscarriage with you in my life. But for the last time we tried, we failed. I started to get better, and then he came back but this time I was strong. I don't want him back and I said I moved on and he should do the same. I blocked him and wen't to Barcelona.

Life is hard, but be strong. It will get better. Keep your head up and keep smiling, one day that smile will be real and your steps will be lighter. If I can do it you can! Keep on walking, keep on smiling, life is hard but worth it!

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Dreaming, reading, thinking. What is life? What have I done so far? What lays ahead of me? What have I overcome by now?
Let's start with the easiest of all the questions.

What have I done so far?
I've travel at least twice a year, have an education, been engaged and have a spine damage. I've been spontaneous, dated guys and girls, made mistakes and had my heart broken. Been depressed and tried to kill myself.
But all this made me who I am now. I'm stronger and I love me as I am. I have scars, both on the inside and the outside. As most people do. I'm happy that I went through all my difficulties and that I kept on going. I can't imagine a life without all this. It may be hard in the moment, but it always gets better. 

I got to know amazing friends that are now my family, they have been here throuh my ups and downs and I can't imagine a life without them.

What have I overcome by now?
A lot of heartbreaks, sorrow, miscarriage and pain. I'm not the only one though. I know that it's a lot of people going through this everyday. But that doesn't mean that you can't feel or break down. Everyone copes with feeling differently. I stop eating and party to hard. It's okay to feel sad or depressed, it's okay to feel hurt and cry. Everyone goes through that kinds of feeling, and don't feel any less because of it. I've cried so many tears, thinking about ending my life but I always think that it will come another day, when my pain is not to overwhelming and a day when I can smile again. That what life is, it's a rollercoaster of feelings. Would you feel happiness if you never felt sad?
I'm thankful for all my sorrows and the pain. I'll carry it in my emotional backpack and it's just makes me stronger. Let's open my emotional backpack one day..

What is life?
Life is about battles, love, friendship, feelings, butterflies, happiness, sorrow, family, hate and more... It's about you.
What do you want? It may get tough but you are strong, don't let emotion push you down. You are amazing! You can do it!
Everyday I say 3 things that I like about myself. And this morning I said:
You are strong, you are amazing because you can smile even that you have a heavy heart, you are loved by so many.
Sometimes I don't even believe my words, but it's still okay. As more as I say it, the more I believe it.
Life is so much more then everyday life, it's about dreams. What do you dream about?
I want to travel the world, fall in love, have a family, move to another country, get old with someone. I want to be happy and smile. So I'll make sure that it will happen, I'm gonna follow my heart and let it lead the way. You can't decide your own future, you can always choose different ways but make sure that the way you pick the one that makes you happy. Even if it's for just a while, it will be worth it. I often think back on all the people I dated, and I don't regret it. I was happy for a while and that means everything for me now. I got heartbroken but it made me stronger, it made me me.

What lays ahead of me?
Who knows really, I'm not gonna plan anything. I just know that I'll do anything that makes me happy. If it means that I'm gonna move to another country or change hairstyle.. this year I'm gonna follow my heart and I hope you will too.
We are just human, who will experience happiness, heartbreaks, sorrow and joy. Why do we try to keep ourself safe? Why don't we take a jump out off our safety-zone and experience the true joy of life? We all should live a little more.
So today I'll do something unexpected. Maybe I'll kiss someone new, maybe I'll call someone old, maybe I'll just get a new haircut. What ever that makes me happy.
As some people say: Don't worry, be happy.

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People say that I'm strong. That I move on like a champion. But to be honest I'm not, I also have sleepless nights and crying when no one sees. I act strong in front of my friends, I turn my back against people that hurt me but that doesn't mean that I'm not sitting there with my phone wanting to write.

But a thing that I learned after all heartbreaks, my own self worth. I'm not gonna let other people decide what I'm worth. And don't you let other people decide yours. Sometimes it's okay to forgive and forget. But don't they step all over you. You are great, you mean something to someone, you are amazing and you can do what ever you want.

I decided to live more like that. What do I want? What do I want to experience? Who am I?
I wanted to go to Spain with someone I've never met, my friends said no, that I'm to spontaneous. But that was what I wanted.
I don't say that you should fly somewhere with someone you don't know, it can be dangerous. But follow your heart, it can bring you amazing adventures and even heartbreaks. But it will make you stronger.

Now I'm sitting here figuring out if I should go on dates with others or wait for an answer. Should I keep on moving or sit here wondering.
What do my heart tell me?
It want me to hold on for a while, my head says I should move on..
So now I'm gonna start tinder and start swiping, but I'm not gonna go on the first best date. I'm gonna feel in my heart who I should meet.

My advice is to follow your heart and maybe your head will listen, otherwise make a list with pros and cons.

So go out there and live your life as you want it!

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Yesterday before noon was the last time we met, last kiss and last touch.. at least for now.
I'm so irritated, that I'm liking you so much, missing you. It would be easier if I could just move on, start tinder again and continue swiping. But I can't, I don't want to. I want to talk to you.

But you have a lot of work, and I know I can't be to pushing. You need space, I need space... but do I want space?
Maybe I'm just to curious, maybe I'm into love stories and fairy tales to much.. I manage to live without you before, but that was before I met you, before I kissed you.

Starting tinder again, swiping...
I matched with a few, but I'm not interested in them, I don't want to talk to them. Should I let tinder go until I can let you go?
A couple new conversation started, but i keep staring at your instagram story. Why don't you write? I was the last one writing.. this weekend is going to be my weekend, I'm allowed to miss you for two more days. Then I'm gonna go out, I'm gonna kiss and I will feel less for you.. at least I hope so.

It's a brand new day, new people I'll meet. You will be a memory soon, my gingernaping fairytale and I'll be your sak yant girl.
To the next time we meet I'll carry you in my heart and let other people in.
Bye for now

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