I was raised in quite a conservative household. We were working/middle class, and both my parents worked really hard so that we could live a good life. Unfortunately, I am quite liberal. As a teen, I suffered from all kinds of problem because I tried to suppress who I was; eating disorders, self harm, suicide, depression, suppressing my sexuality - the lot. I know that parents love is supposed to be unconditional, and I know my parents do love me, but the way that I wanted to live my life did not align with their ideals, and to them, their ideals were the only ones that were good, and the only ones we were allowed to follow. Reading this blog, you guys have probably realised that I am a pretty colourful kid; I'm really into queer culture, tattoos, piercings; I was obviously given to my parents to test them. These are all things that my parents don't like, and things that I absolutely love.
So throughout high school, I expressed myself in small ways, through some of my clothes, and ear piercings, and going to gay pride and on dates with girls and giving a different excuse to my parents. When I turned 18, I moved out and started University in a different city. And in Wellington, I truly learned to be myself. I was able to express myself properly, for the first time. I decorated my body with metal and ink and got to celebrate my individuality (which in reality isn't very different to a lot of people, just different to my parents ideals). Even if I'm a basic white girl in most respects, at least i'm, a WELLINGTON basic white girl.
So, my whole life I tried to make my parents proud of me. I did well in school, I was respectful and responsible, gave them no cause to worry about me because I didn't tell them anything about what was going on. Suddenly, i'm free to act like myself, and I relish in that freedom, and I go crazy in cultivating a unique, alty image. But I know that they won't like it, so I still try to hide it. In my own mothers words, I tried to leave them in "blissful ignorance". Sometimes, parents over react, and this over reaction can damage you more then it damages them. Because my whole relationship with my parents is me trying to please them, having them mad at me is my worst fear. So to make them not mad at me, I hid things from them.
I know parents approval is very important, because it always has been for me. However, it is not my fault if my mum put on her super sleuth hat, found this blog, and got mad at what she saw. Because what she saw is the real me. When everything you've tried to hide suddenly comes out, it is terrifying, but also kind of funny. I'm going to try not to hide myself anymore, to anyone. Because censorship leads to suppression and unhappiness. I'm 20 years old now, I live on my own, I vote, I do taxes, and I work. I'm allowed to make decisions about what I want to do with my life. I believe that living the authentic you, as long as you're not hurting anyone, is so important for your sense of self, and your happiness. At the end of the day, this blog isn't very personal, but it's a nice snapshot of my life, which is so authentically me, and you guys seem to enjoy it. This may be more personal then what y'all are used to, and don't worry, it'll be back to regular programming next week. But I thought it was an important message to get across, because it's a problem that all kids deal with. Be you, be authentic, and know that that is the best way you can be. Love yourself first, above all else x