I come to a dead-end.
It's autumn and it's bloody cold and dark and I am so unprepared for this.
Make a person skip one autumn and a winter, and it is impossible to get used to it once you meet it again.
Once you are here and not there.
I read a Tweet yesterday:

"If you feel a sense of despair, pessimism and hopelessness now, just think how you'll feel by February.

Can we, the people who reside in Riga (forcibly or out of their own will) actually relate?
We see 25 hours of sun during December, which amounts to only 1 day. Overall the sun shines for 76 days a year, which is surprisingly good thing, noting that during winter we don't see sun for up to 20 days.

I am not going to mention temperature, believe me, you don't want to hear about it. Pssst, the average ​temperature during summer is lower than 20 degrees.

Let's note that Estonia and Finland are even more up North so bless our neighbours, bless them indeed.

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​cilvēkam tāda daba. vienmēr gribēt vairāk nekā ir. nav svarīgi, ka pirms pāris mēnešiem varbūt nav bijis nekā. ja tagad ir, tad šajā gribēšanas un iegūšanas virpulī gribas vēl vairāk. cilvēka daba liek gribēt daudz. bet ko darīt tad, kad ir tik daudz, ka jau slikti paliek. paliek slikti no tā, cik ir. bet tu taču esi gribēji daudz un tagad nezini kur likt d a u d z. 

īsti neko nevar padarīt. 

cilvēki arī atteikties nemāk. šī iegūšanas kāre ir nepārvarama. nav jau svarīgi, ka nav kur likt. bieži pat nesanāk aizdomāties par to, ka nav kur likt. 

tas tā īsuma par to, ka nevienmēr tas ko iegūstam mums patiešām ir vajadzīgs. 



what if I give too much meaning to things and places and events

every time I go somewhere my mind decides to go it's own way saying hey, remember what happened the last time you were here? remember this place and what used to happen here? remember how 3 years ago you would have done this here? the last time I was here things were different. the last time I was here this thing was different. last time I was here I was different.


is it supposed to be like that or is it just my stupid melancholic mind trying to drown myself. is it the clinginess of not letting go or embracing the memories of obtained and long lived. cafes, bridges, streets, trees, playgrounds, buses, cities, countries. they all have meanings. the attached meanings of things I remember them for. it is so difficult to leave the places at the same time finding oneself in a situation of conflict. isn't it right to remember the places for the special things? isn't it wrong to forget them? how can you draw a bold line between the place and what has happened there.

I look at pictures thinking - that was before that. that happened before I went there. that happened before I knew someone. look at me. look at life. look how different life was before that. look how life is still the same. look how I am still the same. look how I used to be. look at how I lost myself. look at how I found myself. is this how it is supposed to be? the thing is that pictures will never change, no matter the fact that people and places change. the pictures will forever remain the same way they were captured. and they are the heritage you can review. you can look in your eyes and try to find the answers you no longer can. try to understand the things you might not believe in anymore. return to the same place through the lens of gloss paper.

people go around saying - if I go back, the things will be different. and so? just answer this question in your mind - will the place be different or is it going to be you. who has tendency of changing faster? the city or the person. deadlock.



I have just arrived home from work and I need to get ready to go and pack my last things and take a shower but I just can't be bothered to do it all. I am just sitting on my bed and doing nothing. Then I decide to lay down and still not get up, but start rolling around. An hour is left, eh, I might as well start getting ready. I accordingly do so and boom after an hour I get a message from my friend saying that her car remote broke and she can't friggin open the car. are you kidding me?! this is the end. bye, Positivus, ttyn. wait a second, she fixed it, jeez, everything is going according to the plan. boom, the car is downstairs and I am legit carrying a huge bag of clothes, sleeping bag, backpack, mat and a bag of food. let's rollllll.

we pick up Gunita and what we do is try to get to McDonald's since suddenly everyone is hungry, yet we can't get out of the roundabout so we just go a completely different direction and can not understand how we will ever make it to the camping site before it gets dark or starts to rain, but jeez, we finally figure out how to get to our long lost Rimi and McDonald's where we buy completely useless stuff and try to continue our way to the Festival.

we get there and it is so impossible to carry all the stuff at once so we all three had a turn and our friend went back two times just to make sure we got everything. of course when you have no more hands, what you do is carry the bags with your neck, good job, Gunita.

then it took us probably an hour to set up the tents and figure out how to fix them even though we have been to so many campings ourselves it is still quite a struggle to be on your own and be completely responsible for securing your own living space for next few days. long story short - we set up 2 tents, one for our sleeping and the other one for the food and hanging out and obviously, put up a lock! then while enjoying our first cocktail really quickly, we just took a stroll around the camping, while regarding ourselves as privileged for being one of the first ones who arrived on Thursday.

what I noticed inter alia was, obviously, the red bull party on the top of the car, the DJ who can't be trusted. the bold dj. crazy hands was the first thing I noticed, so if I see something like that, why not to take a part in such a thing, but not long after we were in the crowd with all the little ones trying to feel so grown up and dancing like crazy. oh well, at least we had each other to enjoy the night, even tho 80% of the people looked like they are barely 18.. after a few hours the storm kicked in. and it was crazy, I mean we legit crawled in our food tent and guess what?! it was raining inside of it and we were like - well whatever, I mean what can we do about this. so we just went to our sleeping tent and went to bed, when at some point it was a crazy thunderstorm that woke me and Katy up and you could literally feel the lighting strike next to you. when you sleep in an open field it is not the best thing you wish to hear, that's for sure.

but hey, me and Gunita had matching PJs. shoutout to our Sweden 



I think I have lost myself. I have lost the sense of being me. or should I say - I have lost the sense of being mean. my honest meanness. malice.

I started thinking about this after seeing a quote by John Lennon - "Being honest may not get you a lot of friends, but it will always get you the right ones." Do you see how it goes? I started to reminisce

I am well aware of what other people think of honest people. Especially if the honesty does not come out of your mouth in the best ways, but why would one sugarcoat the bold truth? I find so much more respect for people who are honest and don't just walk around sucking up to others. People who find their own way rather than suck their way up. Yes, in all meanings you can think of.

I have had a lot of negative experience with being honest and looking honest. Looking honest? You might think - what is that? Looking honest means - not faking a smile or forcing a laugh. I don't laugh if I don't find things funny, I don't talk if I don't find conversation or people interesting, and in most cases it has backfired like hell, since key to success is socialising out of your mind. People thinking I am a stuck up bitch that is a complete snob and so on? Because of that I have not made it on a lot of teams. Am I bothered? No, I am just being honest on my own honest terms. It helps me to realise who I am and whether I even want to be on such teams. Maybe that's why they were not made for me. That's exactly why I am not there.

If I look at where I am now and if I look at people on my team, I could not be more happier. We have the same vibe - we are the same tribe. Has everything so far connected so perfectly that now I can rub my eyes and finally see the worthy people around me? Was I supposed to meet so many people and go through so many stages to finally find my own place and my own stand? Is it astonishing that I did not cave in?

Walking around, just looking at people, I am getting sick of them floating around like huge clouds, trying to rain on others and blind them with their fake sweetness. It is just awful, it kills me. Why do you want to have something with such a high sugar containment? I value people who are not caramelised. I am glad I have the best of them around me and I would never choose tender sweetness over bold reality. Bold truth, bold feelings and bold honesty. I am not one of those people who will go and sugarcoat their path and yes, if people don't like the honesty, how can you feel comfortable with wrapping yourself in candy wrap?



I am living together with 3 guys and let me tell you, they don't care.

After doing laundry they let their underwear dry wherever. In the bathroom, in the hallway,anywhere, because in general they don't really care.

They don't put down the toilet seat, because they don't care.

They don't clean mirrors around the house, 'cuz they do not care.

They don't turn off the electricity when they leave, because they don't care.

They don't clean the sink after shaving, because they don't care.

They don't do dishes for days, because they don't care.

They burp out loud while walking around, because they don't care.

They never take their laundry out of the washing machine, because they don't care.

They don't wash the hallway, because they don't care.

They don't check whether something needs to be thrown out of the bathroom because the packagingis almost empty, since they generally can't be arsed.

They walk around the house wearing only shorts, I guess they don't care.

They shower with bathroom doors open, do they even care?

They listen to music really loudly, because they don't care.

They whistle really loud, since they don't care. Yes, in the mornings.

n.b.! eventually they wash and clean everything. e v e n t u a l l y

They use shampoo for women because they care.

They steal my facial wash, apparently because they care.

And when I cut my toothpaste tube in half and left it in the bathroom for a couple of hours,because I wanted to use it all, g u e s s w h a t?! They threw it away.Out of all the possible things, my toothpaste was so important. GUYS, WHY DOYOU CARE?!



ridiculous as it is a long time ago, approximately 4 years ago a soul told me of this perception of everything that happens to us - there is no good without the bad and there is no bad without the good. yin through the yang. or basically if bad things keep happening to you just hold on and at some point things will get better. and exactly the opposite - if good things keep happening to you then at some point something bad will happen inevitably. as humanly as possible we like the idea of good overriding the bad, but we do not favour the idea of the bad overriding the good, or as Foreign Policy Analysis taught us - people feel the loss and not the gain of something.

most of us have these periods throughout our study year where we feel useless, worthless and as if we have not achieved anything, yet any kind of work just keeps piling up on our shoulders and we just don't know whether we are capable to survive and get it all done. by the overwhelming amount of work we sometimes tend to lose our vision. the vision that helps us to realise who we are and where we want to be. I think I have had them annually, but still I am here and I am going strong. Can I even associate it with the afore mentioned example of no bad without the good? lame and cheesy - there is always rainbow after the rain? Or should I say that even 12 weeks of Foreign Policy Analysis comes to an end. The fact that the first lecture was scheduled when I was still in Amsterdam seems so bizarre. But wait, what exactly is so bizarre about it? that I have alrady passed 4 other courses while still dragging the same one with me? probably.

however, the repetitive emphasis on the thoughts just to remind mainly myself that it always ends. always. and even though it is really impossible to see where the hell you are doesn't mean that you are nowhere, right?



​currently, yes, right this moment, I am studying for an exam that I perceive to be as one of the hardest in the whole module. how can you concentrate on studying when you have been caught off guard. in other words when the pale has caught you. 

i am more than rational decision maker when it comes to feelings and human interactions but how rational can i be if at times I don't even regard it as serious or meaningful since I always have the overriding concerns of death and being me. blurry? thought so. have you ever read Vonnegut? 



​Joik candle is lit, I am wearing a huge button down shirt with my socks and my hair is finally in a messy bun, the triangle necklace is around my neck and nazars are around my wrist and my nails are painted orange and music is playing from the speakers and I have no idea whether i have pulled it all together. I got the candle in the Hague by a friend who gave it to me as an early birthday present. the candle is from Estonia but oh the joy when I realised that you can actually get it in Stockmann as well. tho the price is not very appealing. speaking about the Hague, I put a bracelet around my wrist there and ever since I did not take it off, not even once until recently it just decided to fall off as I was getting ready to leave the house. moment to grieve over it being broken.

in life we dream about these things that we will do and it's not just what we dream about, these crazy-ambition driven-i am at the top of the world kind of things. I am also talking about the humble, I-will-visit-my-grandmother kind of things.

while I was abroad and most of the time did all the important things all alone, including celebrations and anniversaries, I realised the true value of family, people who are substantially bound to be there for you and as ridiculous as it sounds we pretty much know that our family is forced to love us because they are family, and yes, I am not that stupid not to understand that most of the time it is not forced love, it is unconditional. but enough about that. I am concerned about the fact that we put things off. it's okay to put your laundry day off but is it really okay to put off your grandmother's birthday? I am typing this on the verge of my family's huge get together. no, I do not have a huge family, not at all, but the get together is huge, speaking in terms of food and the fact that I haven't seen that part of my family (as I would like to call it), for about 10 years. it is scary that I can actually say that I haven't done something for 10 years, since I am 20 now. just like yesterday I used a sentence "I am pretty sure we have had that for 20 years" shit holy lockers on this planet what the hell. 

I was leaving doctors' a couple of days ago and I decided to walk home by a different route. the route that I know as well as the back of my hand, the route that took me to kindergarten every day when I was little. I was listening to "Holes" and walking down the street when suddenly I stopped. it wasn't there. it wasn't there anymore. the kindergarten is gone, it has moved to another location. I stood there and couldn't wrap my head around it. you might think it's silly, huh, to be breathless over the fact that your kindergarten has moved? probably, but the thing that made me stand there wasn't just the plain fact that yes, the kindergarten has moved, since I couldn't give a damn about the kindergarten, all I cared about was the place itself. the building and its courtyard. it was formed by two buildings, house on the street which was super horrendous IMO and the building in the courtyard, the real kindergarten as I would like to call it. somehow I had thought about visiting it for a long time, first - before getting into University, then after I had been enrolled and I just kept putting it off. at one point last year I got as far as opening the front door of it, then I closed the door and walked away thinking of coming back some other time. the question is - will there be another time? as I stood by the closed gates with the huge lock, a tear rolled down my cheek, haha, no it was not the sad tear, it was just the silly proud tear. i remember being there and playing with dolls, and people not being very  nice to me, since yeah, as weird as it sounds I didn't really have that much friends in kindergarten and i was not considered the "cool kid" since i spent most of my time reading. yeah i could read fluently by the age of 4, so there I was, sitting by the desk and reading and then again playing doctors and families. ridiculous. 

I glanced at the street number which said that the property is state owned. that saddened me even more, it's not like I can call someone up and ask them to let me in the courtyard to see the tree we planted there. that maybe might have been the saddest part of the whole fuss. I really wanted to see that tree. even if it is just a silly symbol of i don't even know what I still threw one palm of sand in order to make it stand still in the ground. it would just be a great symbol to see how long of a time ago it happened. but what to actually think about - the fact that I was so close to actually visiting it a year ago, holding my hand on the handle and breathing in and out and then just leaving. I don't care whether I am making a huge deal of it but in reality that is exactly how things work. You think you have so much time to go places and to go visit your friends and have all these amazing memories but no, you do not and in the end you are on your death bed and if it's not you then it's them, and the buildings get torn down and places destroyed and changed and I guess there is no worse feeling in life than hesitation. action, rather an inaction. hesitation is a bitch. 

okay I have to go since candle has made my room smell unbearable. weak noses hola at me. 



almost every day I open Pinterest app and scroll through my feed because, God, it is a great website with a lot of great things. why do I use it? well, mostly I find quotes or any written things that make me think, such as poems or extracts from different literary works or simply beautiful words in other languages that make great Instagram captions. but what I stumbled upon a while ago, is a line that goes like this - life is tricky, baby. stay in your magic.

now I am stuck with this line. every single day it magically decides to tangle itself in my trace of thoughts and it just drills around my brain like a feather blown in the wind. life is tricky, baby. stay in your magic. life is tricky, baby. stay in your magic. life is tricky, baby. stay in your magic

we each have our own magic, whether it's the way we dress, the way we smile or the way we walk. as soon as you decide to speak to someone, it's in the way you talk. over time we shape our own selves, and by carefully adjusting who we are surrounded with, we become these beings of society that reflect on every single tabloid or commercial platform within the area we live. I did not use the wording "human beings" since what else can we be, apart from heartless monsters. exactly. yet deep inside we have our own little world, which is hidden behind this filter, through which we see the real world. we paint over our little world and we only go back to it, maybe an hour before we fall asleep or 10 minutes after we have come home at the end of a long day and before we have remembered about all our responsibilities. that is our real magic. world so many of us do not even share with others. magic that we do not let out of ourselves.

I find it really difficult to communicate with people who do not feel the need to let their magic out. I hate people who play pretend in simple interactions and then just try to trump you in a simpliest conversation of what is the weather like today. I am one of those persons who is not afraid to show their little inner world to the outside and maybe that is why people ask me - why do I smile too much or why do I look so angry. because every day is a different day even for our little worlds. one day it can be a beautiful summer day and the next it can be struck by an earthquake.

life is so boring if you hide everything in you. burdensome and plain. wait - plain? plain! that is how you come off to me. and let's not mistake professionalism with being plain because those are two completely different things within the context of distancing yourself and yes, of course there is a line in between. plain does not excite. plain does not intrigue. plain is the worst thing you can ever become. do not let the real world affect your magic. your own magic and not what the world is serving you.