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.. THIS IS PROBABLY GOING TO BE REALLY CHEESY - READ AT YOUR OWN RISK ..

zachary,

in april of 2012 i wrote a facebook status titled "to the kid i'm crushing on". it went like this:

you are so perfect. everything about you. i recognize your little habits, your gestures, the way you speak, and i still can't manage to find a single flaw. you're incredible. your very presence makes me so happy. sometime i wonder if you smile because of me as much as i smile because of you.

now thinking back, that seems absolutely insane. that made us what.. freshmen in high school? i mean, dude! i admitted to facebook (indirectly) that i had a crush on you freshman year! fast forward around four years and boom - you and i are finally together, experiencing our hectic young adult lives together. we've been together for 587 days as of this very second which breaks down into over nineteen months.. it hasn't been perfect nor easy, but i can honestly say i wouldn't trade it for anything in the entire world. you are my nerd, my stud, and my best friend. you are my comfort, my sanity, and my heart. you are my favorite. there are endless things that i wish i could remember to thank you for, but here's a start: i want to thank you for loving me endlessly.. even when i'm being a huge brat, for being so patient with me.. even when i'm being stubborn, for always making time for me.. even when you would rather be gaming with your friends or sleeping because you are too tired from work, for sitting through my rants and talking things out with me.. even if my thoughts are petty, for each and every time you call me beautiful.. even if my makeup is smeared/gone or my hair looks like a bird's nest, for always lifting me up and never knocking me down. i want to thank you for being the man i can fall in love with over and over again, day after day - and most importantly i want to thank you for letting me love someone as amazing as you, and loving me just the same. it's so special how easy it is to share our deepest selves with each other. every memory we share together has a piece of my heart. from cuddling all night watching starwars or supernatural to adventuring all day through the pnw. it's so easy for me to call you my boyfriend, but you're so much more than that. you're my partner in crime, my dinner date, my pillow, my cheerleader, and the love of my life. 

wherever this road takes us, i'm so grateful that i am walking it with you. i love you to tatooine and back - always.



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oh my goodness. it has been absolutely forever since i've updated this thing.. and i'm sure all of my non-existent blog readers are really upset with me!!! well, i'm back (: i can't promise myself i'll update this as much as i would like to, but i can promise i'll definitely try harder! recently my life has been an insane roller coaster of emotions. i'm finishing up my last term of my freshman year of college which is totally awesome (however, stressful!!!!!) and will be onto the amazing adventures of summer 2016 in just a few short weeks (yay)! as always i'm totally looking forward to the lax ways of summer - between days at the river and days spent road tripping to who-knows-where with my boyfriend and friends i will definitely have much more to talk about! recently between studying for school and netflix binge watching (supernatural and bones all the way!) i've been getting back into league with zack which definitely is seriously awesome because we both missed that game a ton. i got my braces off and my little furbaby jinx is going to have kittens soon (i don't even know if you guys knew i had a little baby titten??). i also moved back home.. which gives me a ton of mixed emotions. i've been happy recently bbbuuuttt i have definitely had my fair share of mental breakdowns, but what's new? i've been trying to become both more secure with myself and just really not relying on others for my happiness. it's a long road though and it's harder than just "doing it". besides that, nothing much in my life has been super interesting. i can however, provide you with all these awesome pictures that i've taken recently-ish!

updates soon, i promise!

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being a loyal fan of connor's since the very beginning, i can truthfully say that there were things in this book that i had no idea he struggled with. i was able to relate to many many parts of this book from the “fomo” he describes to the empty feelings he has some nights. i had fallen out of the whole youtube thing again, as i do periodically, but through this book i was able to connect just as i would have by watching him talk on camera. there were a lot of things that i thought about while reading this. like how he always knew that college and stuff wasn't for him, he knew what he wanted to do. being straight out of high school and told that this is what you HAVE to (or NEED to do), it really hit me. my life is my choice, and i need to remember that. this was, by far, the prettiest book i've ever held in my hands. the pictures and layout were one of my favorite parts, but i liked his words even more. i've always enjoyed the way that connor has spoke, the words he uses and how he uses them. after reading this book, i can honestly say i love connor more than before (which i didn't think was possible). i'll definitely be reading this book again.

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WARNING : THIS POST IS GOING TO BE EXTREMELY LENGTHY (READ AT OWN RISK OF BOREDOM) 

today marks two hundred and sixty two days that zack and i have been together. woah, it makes my mind go crazy when i think about that. that's a large chunk of my life that i've already spent committed to this human. quite honestly, these past nine or so months have been some of the best i've experienced in my life thus far. it's absolutely insane, the past that we share. knowing each other so long and sharing mutual feelings for as long as we have.. most people don't get to experience things like that. i've known zack (well) since middle school. we went to the same school district for years but never got to know each other. this of course changed when in seventh grade we were thrown into a art class together. i don't remember many things from middle school, but i remember the days he would come over to the table i sat at and start talking about video games with me. he'd casually slip in his endearing pet name he had reserved for me only – "satan spawn". no one knows why his flirting tactics were so bad, but apparently they worked because by the end of the semester he had asked for my phone number and somewhere along the way i gave it to him. by the end of middle school, i don't think there was a day that we didn't communicate in someway (i.e. facebook, text, skype, or xbox live). then things changed. he moved freshman year and started attending prairie high school rather than ridgefield high school. somehow even without being able to see his face at school, we still constantly talked. i remember this time when i was laying in bed early in the morning. i had woken up to his text tone (which was chewbacca for years) and continued to text him. he was up early for a dentist appointment and i pulled out my best flirt i could. *secret – i had always been head over heels for his smile. his teeth were always so perfect and it made my heart warm when he'd smile at me* i remember asking him to send me a picture of him smiling when he got done with the dentist. i received a very "zack-like" picture and literally obsessed over it for months. i mean, it was a picture he had only sent to me– it was my picture of zack. we continued to talk into the summer months about everything and then the most awkward moment of our friendship (or whatever you want to call it) came to be. in the end of july i was entering my photos into the clark county fair still life exhibits. i walked out after i was finished to help kaitlan (a friend of mine) make sure she had all she needed for her 4h pig, and that's when i saw him. i freaked out and literally ran back to the exhibit hall to talk to danielle (my best friend) about what had just happened. she asked if he saw me and i remember saying something along the lines of "no! and thank god, like do you see me right now?!" she then forcefully made me walk back over there and talk to him. his sister jamie was there *another secreti literally thought she was like the prettiest girl i had seen and so i was even more nervous as she stared at us* i remember we talked for good fifteen minutes and then awkwardly walked out together and he hugged me (half-assly) next to a yellow bench the fair always has. that was the biggest moment zack and i had shared together. i think it was about this time that he started to have problems with his dad. he and i talked a lot about things that involved how he felt about his dad. i knew more than most people and i hurt for him. i tried to cheer him up and get his mind off of it, but it was difficult. i wanted him to be completely happy. then into the middle of sophomore year we stopped talking.. zack came back to ridgefield but somehow had a girlfriend within the week. it's pathetic to say i was extremely hurt and jealous by this. we didn't talk much until they broke up. i understood why we didn't talk much while he was in a relationship, but it still hurt to know that he chose someone over me. oh the feelings of crushes when i was younger.. i always got my hopes up and my feelings hurt. i got over whatever i thought i was to him and became the friend he needed. i helped him understand that it was okay to lose feelings for someone and he became content with his breakup. then not too long after, zack and i both got into relationships. we talked less again, but could always pick up right where we left off. zack and i's friendship has always been like that.. i think that's part of what a true friendship is. zack ended up breaking things off with her and i helped him through that more than i had in the previous relationship. we started talking more again and i let my true feelings out about the relationship i was in. he talked me through a lot. he tried his absolute hardest to keep this guy and me together – he said seeing us together made him happy. after months of anticipation i finally broke up with this guy and stayed true to myself. zack and i continued to talk more and more until he started dating a girl during the summer. i really didn't like the girl at all. she gave me a bad vibe and told zack that we could no longer talk. that hurt, again. more than the last time. i had no idea what i had done to be told that his girlfriend said we could no longer talk, but i went with it to make him happy. i guess i knew what it felt like to be scared of being cheated on or not knowing everything going on in your boyfriend's texting life. in october of 2014 cispus came around again and we were short boy counselors. i don't honeslty remember who recruited them, but cameron and zack attended a meeting and thus the reason we began talking again. i could tell that something wasn't right with zack. he didn't seem like he was sleeping right and wasn't acting like himself. we started talking and hanging out a lot. he finally fessed up to me what had happened. it hurt me so much to see him hurting like that. i cried myself to sleep some nights. i fell in love with him at a football game. it took one night – i realized i was in love with my best friend. through the problems with our "significant others" to our family issues, we had always been the ones there to support each other. that night he cried to me at his car. i hugged him and i told him i loved him (like we often did, but he didn't know that my feelings had changed). i told him that no matter what i was there for him. i felt so selfish for wanting to be in a relationship so badly with someone who was hurting as much as he was. on october 01st zack had hung out at my house after the last cispus meeting before camp. it was around nine thirty when i walked him out to his car for him to drive home. i hugged him and told him to drive safe. i reminded him to text me when he got home. i looked at him when he held my arm and looked into my eyes. i kissed him back when he leaned in to kiss me. i shook with him, as he feared he had made a mistake. that's the night when it all changed. we had changed. sure, we were still best friends, but after six years the boy kissed me. with or without our past of terrible flirting, he had kissed me and it had changed everything. two days later we got on the bus to go to cispus outdoor camp to take care of (and "counsel") our five kids. that was a week of no affection. i remember sitting by him at all the meals we could (i was the head and he was the foot of the table.. every single meal). we tried to sit near each other at campfire and spent the counselor meetings enjoying our time together. i was in love with seeing him interact with kids (he'd say my ovaries were bursting, haha). zack had skinned his hand the first day we were at camp so he would walk over to my cabin and ask for neosporin and band-aids.. even after it had closed up and healed for the most part. i later realized that he was using this as time to see me, which i mean if you think about it is like the cutest thing ever! *huge secret – it was that last night in the star room where we broke the biggest rule of cispus. he had kissed me.* after getting back from camp we were both extremely exhausted. we hung out a few days after returning and that is the night we made things official. on october 11th he asked me if i thought we should keep on the path we were on. of course i said yes. after two hundred and sixty two days, we are still experiencing new things together. we're making memories together everyday (if we see each other in person or not). we're growing together and most importantly, we're loving together. i can't wait to see what the future holds for us.

i might post some of my favorite memories in another catagory later on, but for now this is the story of zack and kay. cheesy, i know. (the pictures below are from when we first started dating to this current weekend)

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