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things get worse before they get better, and that's perfectly okay. it can be hard, but all in all it always manages to get better. tonight was yet another night i spent reminiscing some, but that's nothing new when i miss you. i look at old pictures and i read old messages between us. i came across the beginning of everything, when we discussed our feelings, the first time you asked me to cuddle, or the many many times you told me that i made you happier than anyone else has. i came across the pictures where we were afraid of looking silly in front of each other and the pictures where we couldn't help to look anything but silly. i found the very beginning and i found the very recent.. and this gives me hope. no matter what is to come, we'll grow. i love you, babe.. forever and ever.

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somewhere in my eighteen years of being, you have made a difference in my life, touched my heart, helped me grow and inspired me to become a better person. whether we just met this past year or if i have spent my entire life knowing you. whether we speak to each other every day or if we have not had a conversation in a year. no matter what, your impact on who i am today is important regardless of our first and last encounter. within the past six months or so i have truly realized how important it is to give and receive affirmations from the people who care about us.. so here goes nothing: i am forever grateful to have met you.. the odds that you and i would meet were practically zero, but we did. to whoever decided to put you in my life, i am forever grateful. you’re the epitome of what a friend should be. your presence in my life has never come bearing drama, only memories i will cherish forever. even in a world where sometimes the future comes bearing uncertainty, like what i will be doing in my life or where we will live, i am certain that you will be there celebrating with me - whether that be in person or in heart. thanks for sticking with me this far. i cannot wait for the many adventures to come in life with you. i love you.

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.. THIS IS PROBABLY GOING TO BE REALLY CHEESY - READ AT YOUR OWN RISK ..

zachary,

in april of 2012 i wrote a facebook status titled "to the kid i'm crushing on". it went like this:

you are so perfect. everything about you. i recognize your little habits, your gestures, the way you speak, and i still can't manage to find a single flaw. you're incredible. your very presence makes me so happy. sometime i wonder if you smile because of me as much as i smile because of you.

now thinking back, that seems absolutely insane. that made us what.. freshmen in high school? i mean, dude! i admitted to facebook (indirectly) that i had a crush on you freshman year! fast forward around four years and boom - you and i are finally together, experiencing our hectic young adult lives together. we've been together for 587 days as of this very second which breaks down into over nineteen months.. it hasn't been perfect nor easy, but i can honestly say i wouldn't trade it for anything in the entire world. you are my nerd, my stud, and my best friend. you are my comfort, my sanity, and my heart. you are my favorite. there are endless things that i wish i could remember to thank you for, but here's a start: i want to thank you for loving me endlessly.. even when i'm being a huge brat, for being so patient with me.. even when i'm being stubborn, for always making time for me.. even when you would rather be gaming with your friends or sleeping because you are too tired from work, for sitting through my rants and talking things out with me.. even if my thoughts are petty, for each and every time you call me beautiful.. even if my makeup is smeared/gone or my hair looks like a bird's nest, for always lifting me up and never knocking me down. i want to thank you for being the man i can fall in love with over and over again, day after day - and most importantly i want to thank you for letting me love someone as amazing as you, and loving me just the same. it's so special how easy it is to share our deepest selves with each other. every memory we share together has a piece of my heart. from cuddling all night watching starwars or supernatural to adventuring all day through the pnw. it's so easy for me to call you my boyfriend, but you're so much more than that. you're my partner in crime, my dinner date, my pillow, my cheerleader, and the love of my life. 

wherever this road takes us, i'm so grateful that i am walking it with you. i love you to tatooine and back - always.



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oh my goodness. it has been absolutely forever since i've updated this thing.. and i'm sure all of my non-existent blog readers are really upset with me!!! well, i'm back (: i can't promise myself i'll update this as much as i would like to, but i can promise i'll definitely try harder! recently my life has been an insane roller coaster of emotions. i'm finishing up my last term of my freshman year of college which is totally awesome (however, stressful!!!!!) and will be onto the amazing adventures of summer 2016 in just a few short weeks (yay)! as always i'm totally looking forward to the lax ways of summer - between days at the river and days spent road tripping to who-knows-where with my boyfriend and friends i will definitely have much more to talk about! recently between studying for school and netflix binge watching (supernatural and bones all the way!) i've been getting back into league with zack which definitely is seriously awesome because we both missed that game a ton. i got my braces off and my little furbaby jinx is going to have kittens soon (i don't even know if you guys knew i had a little baby titten??). i also moved back home.. which gives me a ton of mixed emotions. i've been happy recently bbbuuuttt i have definitely had my fair share of mental breakdowns, but what's new? i've been trying to become both more secure with myself and just really not relying on others for my happiness. it's a long road though and it's harder than just "doing it". besides that, nothing much in my life has been super interesting. i can however, provide you with all these awesome pictures that i've taken recently-ish!

updates soon, i promise!

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being a loyal fan of connor's since the very beginning, i can truthfully say that there were things in this book that i had no idea he struggled with. i was able to relate to many many parts of this book from the “fomo” he describes to the empty feelings he has some nights. i had fallen out of the whole youtube thing again, as i do periodically, but through this book i was able to connect just as i would have by watching him talk on camera. there were a lot of things that i thought about while reading this. like how he always knew that college and stuff wasn't for him, he knew what he wanted to do. being straight out of high school and told that this is what you HAVE to (or NEED to do), it really hit me. my life is my choice, and i need to remember that. this was, by far, the prettiest book i've ever held in my hands. the pictures and layout were one of my favorite parts, but i liked his words even more. i've always enjoyed the way that connor has spoke, the words he uses and how he uses them. after reading this book, i can honestly say i love connor more than before (which i didn't think was possible). i'll definitely be reading this book again.

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