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*english version if you scroll down*

Ja ni...
7 månader har gått. Sjukt hur snabbt tiden går. Och så mycket har hänt- att det är ofattbart.

Jag kan börja med att säga att jag så saknar London resan som finns här under. Dock så önskar jag att den hade gått till annorlunda. Jag önskar att ätstörningen inte hade ett sånt starkt grepp om mig.

Men men- mer om vad som har hänt nu på senaste tiden.
Jag gick regelbundet till ätstörningsenheten för vuxna här i Uppsala, i tron om att få den hjälp jag behövde, hjälp med mina tvångsbeteenden, fear foods, mina regler, min besatthet av siffror och kaloriräkning, mitt kontrollbehov etc.
Men vi hade såååå fel. Det enda mottot de hade var att "gå upp till normalvikt först, och seeen så tar vi itu med det psykologiska".Och visst- det kan funka på vissa. Men jag, som har levt med depression och panikångest flera år innan ätstörningen funkar det inte på. Men nope- de vägrar ta någon som helst annan väg när det gäller specialtillfällen som detta. Så, dum som jag var, gick med på efter många om och men att börja ta en näringsdryck om dagen. Jag gick upp massa kilon jäkligt snabbt, och samtidigt fick ingen som helst hjälp från min "psykolog" som ändå ska vara en "psykolog"... Så jag relapsade, en tredje gång bara på grund av det där stället. Då kände jag att nu är det nog. Så, ångestfyllt som det var, så avslutade jag "behandlingen" i måndags. Så nu är jag helt ensam i dessa beteenden och hemska mönster tills vi hittar någon privat som är specialiserad inom detta område, vilket jag är livrädd för att vi inte gör.

Så bara dessa två dagar så har jag gått igenom och utfört utmaningar helt själv, med underbetoning på att de där borta sa att jag skulle SLUTA utmana mig. Jag har lyckats att inte väga mig varje dag på morgonen, den där jäkla rutinen jag alltid har haft där siffran på vågen är den som bestämmer vad jag får och inte får äta den dagen eller hur mycket. Jag ska nu bara väga mig två dagar i veckan. Sen så, den största utmaningen enligt mig, så åt jag ett mjukt bröd (en av mina största fear foods) till frukost imorse och ska nu äta hamburgare till middag. En regel av mina är att inte få äta bröd två gånger på en dag, om ens någon. Men jag ska klara detta. Har ätit en bar också med tillsatt socker i till mellanmål och det skrämmer också mig för att det är "dolt socker" och det känns så onödigt. Jag och mina föräldrar har satt upp ett mål att beta av de här sista 6 kilona 2 kg i taget. De första 2 ska vara avklarade innan midsommar. Jag ska klara av detta ensam. Jag ska bevisa för BUP att de hade fel när de sa att jag aldrig skulle klara av detta ensam.

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Well ...

7 months have passed. Unbelievable how fast time goes by. And so much has happened, it's crazy.

I can start by saying that I miss the London trip that I wrote about down there. However, I wish it had gone differently. I wish the eating disorder didn't have such a strong grip on me.

But more about what has happened lately.

I went regularly to the adult eating disorder clinic here in Uppsala, in faith to get the help I needed, help with my compulsive behaviors, fear foods, my rules, my obsession with numbers and calorie counting, my control needs, etc.

But we were so wrong. The only motto they had was to "gain to a normal weight first, and theeen, we'll take care of the psychological stuff." Of course, that method can work on some people. But that doens't work on me, who have lived with depression and panik attack disorder several years before my eating disorder. But nope, they refused to take another path for special occasions like this. So, stupid as I was, agreed after many ifs and buts and started taking a nutritional drink a day. I gained weight very quickly, and at the same time got no help from my "psychologist", yet her job was to be a "psychologist"... So I relapsed, the third time just because of that place. Then I felt that this is enough. So, anxious as it was, I ended the "treatment" this Monday. So now I'm completely alone in these behaviors and horrible patterns until we find someone I can talk to private, that is specializing in this area, which I'm terrified of not finding.

So just these two days, I've gone through and done many challenges all by myself, having the knowldge stuck in my head that those over there at the clinic said I have to STOP challenging myself. I have managed not to weigh myself every day in the morning, doing that freaky routine I've always done where the number on the scale is the one who decides what I can and can't eat that day or how much. I'll only weigh myself two days a week. Then, the biggest challenge, I ate a soft bread (one of my biggest fear foods) for breakfast this morning and will now eat burgers for dinner. One rule of mine is not to have bread twice in a day, if even one at all. But I will do this. I have also eaten a bar with added sugar as snack and it also scares me because it is "hidden sugar" and it feels so unnecessary. Me and my parents have set one goal to gain these last 6 kg 2 kg at a time. The first 2 should be completed before midsummer. I will handle this alone. I will prove to my clinic that they were wrong when they said I would never be able to do this alone.

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... att jag inte orkar skriva på engelska längre...

Nej men ärligt talat det jag skulle säga var att idag är sista dagen (och natten)
vi spenderar här i London och jag är såklart ledsen!

Det har varit ett par händelserika dagar kan man säga hehe- kan sammanfatta lite:
Vårt flyg blev försenat med tre timmar i måndags och att både jag och min mamma är
rädda för att flyga gjorde inte saken bättre. Eftersom jag hade varit magsjuk dagen innan så
mådde jag fortfarande rätt så illa och hade bara fått i mig lite tråkig, "plain" gröt, och min mage var inte glad.
Fick äta en Nakd bar på planet men det var det vi hade planerat (eftersom vi bara hade planerat en tre timmars flyg som istället blev runt sex timmar, alltså sammanlagt och inte tiden i luften).

Så när vi kom fram så var klockan runt halv tre på eftermiddagen och det var dags för lunch. Min mage skrek pizza (säkerligen så skrek den bara efter näring och snabb näring men om det var det min kropp ville ha så lyssnade jag).

Sen shoppade vi- rejält! Typ varje dag haha. På kvällen så kraschade vi och jag trodde att äntligen ska vi får sova och förhoppningsvis att dagen efter skulle vara bättre. Aa sån tur hade vi inte. Väckt klockan 5 på morgonen av ett hemskt högt alarm som visade sig vara brandlarmet. Vi fick stå utanför hotellet i pyjamas i en timme för att sen dagen efter få reda på att det var en full person på natten som hade tryckt igång brandalarmet- med mening eller ej vet vi inte. Men aja- så var det med det. Dagen blev iallafall bättre med
födelsedagsfrukost på hotellet (med min första croissant på år!) och lunch med mami på Prezzo! Super gott verkligen. Sen vart det shopping igen- middag med sötpotatispommes och efter det en bio med filmen Doctor Strange (för att jag är en Marvel-tjej) med en varsin sov soffa (japp ni läste rätt). Mamma somnade faktiskt en bit haha. Herregud och sen idag. Fram å tillbaka letandes efter det andra jäkla Primemark (hittade det tillslut) och fick äntligen testa Pret på Oxford Circus! Min första ost (och då ost-macka) på flera månader. Jeez. Vi ska nu faktiskt på våran sista middag här i London på Jamie's italienska restaurang i Piccadilly och jag är fett nervös men jag ska klara det för att idag har jag verkligen NADA brytt mig om siffror. Take that Ana. Ska kila iväg nu (blev lite stressigt, sorry) men håll gärna utkik på insta (@emiliarecovery) för bilder. Take care!

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Yes- and now we're on the move!
The plane was delayed for one hour so here we
are sitting at the airport at O'leary's and stalling some time.
But, the plane is soon to take off and I'm shaking in my boots, literally.
It's really a ridiculous fear- scared of flying, but I am and there's nothing to do about it.
If I want to go somewhere I have to take the plane.
So I just have to suck it up and do it 🙌🏼

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Hi fighters! I'm so sorry about the bad update but I have actually not felt okay at all these past few days. Haven't had any motivation to do anything and have just been mentally tired.

But that's anorexia and orthorexia at it's finest I guess.

Soon me and my mom are hopping on the bus to the movies with a couple of friends and then after, we're eating out on a restaurant- which is really scary for me but I will push through for my mom so that I will be allowed to go to London with her which is in about... 17 days- wow... I will make this, I'm just kind of stuck on how. Am still having trouble knowing how much calories (god I hate that word, I will use energy instead) that I need to repair my extremely wierd and bad metabolism... Hmm. Hope you are all well!

This is me a couple of years ago btw- and I remembered how fat I felt that day and I just wanted to go and hide. But I still went on that photoshoot with my friend.

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This will just be a quick little check-in, but look at my breakfast 🐯 I'm like drooling 👅 Hope you're all okay! 💘

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SO- let's get this Q/A started right away- shall we? 🙈


• Who dyed your hair?
- My mom dyed my "hair-dips" pink a while back but after a while I colored it blue on one side and more pink on the other (like Harley Quinn 💁🏼)- but now everything has kind of disappeared in the shower 😩 But to answer your question- it was my mom 😸

• What is your motivation to get healthy?
- My biggest motivation right now would be to gain at least something until September 30th because if I haven't then my beloved trip to London happening October 31st will be canceled and I can't have that- because London is my BIGGEST motivation I have at the moment. But if I look a little more into the future then my motivations are to be able to live fully without restrictions and "rules" and forbidden foods and just live and not care really. Oh- how that sounds wonderful, right? 😩

• What is your biggest goal?
- To have a healthy relationship with myself. Because how I treat myself right now is absolutely not ideal or okay for that matter. Aaaand of course to be free from this monster.

• If you look back at your recovery, what has changed and evolved?
- Whenever I have a REALLY bad day or a hard time, my mom and I tend to look back & say out loud what accomplishments I have done, especially at times when all I do is hate myself. For example, I couldn't even eat a tiny little spoon of quark without wanting to throw up. Now I can have an entire 150 grams without (total) anxiety. I have also (still surprisingly) managed two #pintpartys, which has actually made me feel (and become) extremely fat these couple of days if I have to be completely honest.

• How old are you?
- I am 17 years old, born 1998 and will turn 18 December 22nd

• What kind of foods did you like/love before your ED?
- Oh god... I was a TOTAL fattie before loosing weight and I didn't care AT ALL what I ate. It feels like I must have eaten about 3000 calories a day (not that it's wrong to do that but that's a lot for me) considering how much soda I drank, how much chips and candy and ice creams I ate without thinking twice about it 🍦 But it's a really hard question to answer because my taste in food has REALLY changed. Like for example, I couldn't stand sushi before but now I'm in love with it. But I remember loving tacos, burgers, pizza, lasagna- like everything that I connect with overweight at the moment pretty much.

• What kind of food would you like to eat now but just can't?
- Oh that's sadly so much... Like I have mentioned before, bananas, nut butters, cheese, sandwiches and bars have been my biggest fear foods (if you count away all the fat products and Ice creams/candy and all that)- BUT I have dared to eat them at least once a week 😅 But it's really more the desire to be able to eat this stuff without having to have the massive anxiety attack in the schools bathroom 🤔 Like all you guys do- eating an ice cream or a chocolate bar a day- like YES PLEASE I want to 😩😩

• What limits you the most in your ED?
- My Fitness Pal. Do I even have to say anything more? This app has ruined pretty much everything- everyone is encouraging me to delete it but I just physically can't. I'm no longer scared of it being to little calories- I'm terrified of me eating too much if I just go based on my hunger. I can't even go over 2000 calories- how will I ever "let go"...? 😣 I also don't have a working meal plan- because our ED-clinic here in my town are to SHIT and I can't get a dietitian... So I'm kind of at loss here... 🙃

Thank you so much guys for your questions- it was fun (but challenging) to answer them- and it's just to comment on here or on my Instagram (@/emiliarecovery) if you want to find out anything else about me or my life xx 😽

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Well- I woke up this morning, went on Insta- and looked at all ya'lls accounts and got so freaking motivated like yeah- you can eat an ice cream, she can eat a sandwich, he can have a pint party so so can I and so on. I even went in the Internet and read that an anorexic in recovery should eat 2500+ calories and I'm over here barely going over 1900 at times 🐠 Then- my mom made me weigh myself this morning. Aaaaaand I had lost weight.... again. God the look on her freaking face- I just wanted to bury myself in a hole. So when I got to school I was like "No Emilia seriously. You need to challenge yourself more- you need to turn this fucking around, there's only 16 days left until September 30th and you know what happens if you haven't gained until then." So I started planning in my app (yeah sorry- still got it) for a challenge for tomorrow's breakfast and for Friday's breakfast. But I need a challenge where my mom also can see- because at my last challenge (a freaking pint party last Friday) her frown really got turned upside down when I finished the whole pint. So I thought to myself, should I dare to a pint again? But then I started to overthink WAY too much and now basically I just feel like I'm just allowed to eat the healthiest stuff possible because I'm not worth more then that. There's numerous of pages on the internet where it says that you can't eat ice creams and candy and pizzas and what not in recovery because then you'll gain FAT and not muscle. It also says that it will lead to binge eating, you'll get "used" to eating it and then when you're recovered you'll keep eating it and become obese. And now I'm so freaking scared. So maybe I should just stick to 1900 calories of greens and fruit. Because do I really deserve recovery after all?

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Well the headline says it all but I force myself to school anyways. I received my Pokemon top yesterday so that was what I slept in because no way I'm going to school in that (yet 😂)

Hope you all have a fantastic day 💕

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I decided to jump on this "blog-train"- but I'm not a "cool" person so excuse my bad choosing of words

And just in case you're wondering- I like English

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