​I wonder. Not to sound ignorant but I often wonder how it is to have depression. This will sound stupid because lately I've really been starting to wonder again and it's because I've been watching 13 Reasons Why. Now, don't roll your eyes at me, I know. I'm not trying to be deep or philosophical but I'm trying to understand. 

I didn't want to watch the show at first, having read the book when I was maybe 14, I didn't remember it to be that great. But I also didn't know many things that I know now. I know someone very, very close to me who was at that point in her life about two year ago, I think? Not sure. Thankfully I still get to see her, to live with her and to be with her. But she told me that she was about to do it, that she had gone and gotten a knife. She had been ready to take that last step and thankfully, somehow in her mind I was good enough to stop her, worthy for her to keep living, even if it is a struggle to breathe. 

And I just want to understand? She talks about it sometimes, but only rarely. I listen but I don't want to pressure her to talk when I am probably the only one who knows the whole story. There are times that she is better and times that she is worse. But god I worry when she doesn't answer the phone for a few days, when I get a text from my mom asking if she's answering me. 

I sometimes imagine it to be like a void. She says that there are times that she can't get up. Where she will just lie in bed and just cannot find the strength and will to get up. Are there thoughts that pull you under? I like to think of depression as a hormonal imbalance amongst other things, if it is even something you can like to think about. Is it a wave of emotion that swallows you under? Is it memories that just extend their claws from the past to pull you back? All of the above? Or none? It scares me that I don't understand fully, what depression truly is. And I have tried to do research but sometimes I just... I remember finding the small pocket knife with blood on it. I remember feeling sick, trembling, crying like I have never cried before. My mother was there to console me, at least I had someone. But maybe it's cowardly but sometimes I'm scared to go too deep into the web. I'm scared to get too deep, if that makes sense.

But yes, I want to understand. More than anything, because I want to help and because the unknown holds too many risks. I am not a risk-taker, never were. I don't seek the adrenaline rush, I don't like living on the edge. I like being in my safe bubble, where I can choose to talk to people, where I am never in the middle of attention. So this great unknown, this something that is so far out of my comfort zone and that is so fucking important to me, is very very scary. Maybe you can help me understand. I really, really am not trying to be ignorant. I don't see depression as something alien or wrong of superficial. I guess I'm trying to rationalize something that to me is highly irrational. Trying to detach my emotions from it to shield myself, so I can view it as something more detached, something not as close to me. I'm not so vulnerable to things that I can rationalize, order and understand, where I can explain things to myself. And I'm rambling. 

Sorry about that but I guess when I see the show, even if it just some hollywood production made to rile viewers up (obviously good at it too) I just try to put her into that imagine and I don't know if that is wrong or right. Just putting my thoughts out there, sorry about the rant. 

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