This song really speaks to me. As I am sure it speaks to many others as well. The lyrics are beautiful...almost like magic. 

Today I have no school (lucky me). So, instead of doing something productive I spent the next few hours pondering the meaning of life and watching YouTube videos (I mostly watched videos). I'm not very good at being around people...I avoid it. Psychologists say it's normal for those who've experienced an eating disorder to be distrustful of others. Which isn't much of an excuse. I know that. I do. But then again if I did, I would be willing to let go of my fear. Instead of using it like a shield. 

I'm selfish. I looked in the mirror yesterday in a new bra that I'd bought...and I saw this girl whose thighs were "too big" and whose stomach was much "too pudgy", and what about those arms? They look "disgusting". Why do I keep trying to convince myself that I'm not good enough? Why do I keep trying to find flaws? Whats the point? Is being "aware" of them going to make me...or break me? No wonder I can't trust anyone anymore. No wonder I avoid interacting with others. I'm selfish. I don't have time to think of others. I'm too busy thinking of all the things I need to change to like myself. How sad. How absolutely pointless. I'd rather hate myself than love other people.

Well, I don't have time for that crap any longer. Until I learn to accept myself, no matter what size I am, losing weight is pointless fools errand. *deep breath* I need to start talking loud enough so people can hear. I can't be quiet any longer.

I won't.

Cassia 💋

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Introducing Myself🦄 

Hello. 

I'm new to this blogging thing, but I love writing and I have a lot to say...so here I am. First off, I should probably tell you who I am. My name is Cassia Anna Beckett and I am a sixteen year old girl/woman (I can dream). I was born in Germany (yes, I can speak german), but I'm of British nationality. When I was eight I moved to China, Shanghai with my parents and younger brother. By the time I was twelve I had developed an eating disorder, Anorexia nervosa. It had started with a bad body-image and a weight of seventy seven kilograms and ended four months later at forty nine kilograms. I had lost weight very quickly, too quick, and was now underweight and malnourished. My period was infrequent. My hair was falling out. My skin was dry. And I was so tired. So very tired. Physically and psychologically exhausted. I went off school and spent aroud two years of my life depressed and alone inside a dark bedroom. I started to become afraid of the outside world, of the people. It became harder to leave my room. I ended up gaining thirty six kilos from binge-eating and lack of exercise. Depression was at it's all time high once my fifteenth birthday had come and gone. 

We moved back to Germany. I was severely overweight at eighty five kilos (187lbs). I started the eighth grade again (which I had failed to complete twice) at a new school. I wanted to lose weight and be brave enough to talk to people, I didn't want to be afraid of life anymore. But with the pressure of school my eating disorder became worse. It wasn't working. End of March this year I left the school. 

Now I am going to a special kind of "school" meant for teenagers who avoid participation in a normal school environment (I know very specific *cough* we're basically delinquents...but in the best of ways). Since then I've successfully managed to lose over ten kilos, by eating healthier and doing cardio and aerobics exercises. 

And basically, the next posts will be the continuation of that. 

Lots of love,

Cassia 💕

To be continued...

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