This song really speaks to me. As I am sure it speaks to many others as well. The lyrics are beautiful...almost like magic.
Today I have no school (lucky me). So, instead of doing something productive I spent the next few hours pondering the meaning of life and watching YouTube videos (I mostly watched videos). I'm not very good at being around people...I avoid it. Psychologists say it's normal for those who've experienced an eating disorder to be distrustful of others. Which isn't much of an excuse. I know that. I do. But then again if I did, I would be willing to let go of my fear. Instead of using it like a shield.
I'm selfish. I looked in the mirror yesterday in a new bra that I'd bought...and I saw this girl whose thighs were "too big" and whose stomach was much "too pudgy", and what about those arms? They look "disgusting". Why do I keep trying to convince myself that I'm not good enough? Why do I keep trying to find flaws? Whats the point? Is being "aware" of them going to make me...or break me? No wonder I can't trust anyone anymore. No wonder I avoid interacting with others. I'm selfish. I don't have time to think of others. I'm too busy thinking of all the things I need to change to like myself. How sad. How absolutely pointless. I'd rather hate myself than love other people.
Well, I don't have time for that crap any longer. Until I learn to accept myself, no matter what size I am, losing weight is pointless fools errand. *deep breath* I need to start talking loud enough so people can hear. I can't be quiet any longer.