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High School - These three years felt like forever but also like they went by so fast. It was the three worst years of my life my life but also the three best years. 

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So, I was left alone. I had so start talking to the others in my class now. There were these two girls that came up to me, from my class and started to talk to me. Apparently they had felt like they hadn't got the chance to get to know me because I was having out with my friend the whole time. i felt bad for closing my doors like that but I also felt good that they were interested in getting to know me. We started to talk and hung out the whole day. I think that my friend was away for a week and during this week I got really close with these two girls. Also, there was this girl in our class, the was not a dork, I wouldn't call her that, but she was not popular either, which made it easy to talk to her. So we started to talk too. Not that much in the beginning but gradually. She had one problem. She couldn't say no to people. There was this (sixth) girl in the class that took advantage of that and everyone could see it. I think you guys already figured it out what happened next. During this week my friend was sick a "clique" was made. It consisted of me and my friend, the two girls that was interested in getting to know me, the girl that was easy to talk to and the girl that took advantage of her because she couldn't say no. We had so much fun together. Finally it felt like I had found my place in this class, in this snobby school. Sadly I also began to be snobby but I realised this before it went to far!

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In this school everyone knew the student that was studying the society program but no one knew us from the nature program that consisted of math, chemistry and physics. Some people wanted to be "known" cause then you got invited to all the cool parties but we really didn't care. Or at least I didn't.

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In the second year two of my closest friends from the clique, the two girls that wanted to get to know me, went to the US for a year abroad. By this time we had started to have conflicts in our clique and me and my childhood friend had by then also started to disagree on things. When they left new students began in our class. I was not the new student in the class anymore, I little bit sad about it. It felt like I had no one again. But the "I can't say no" - girl was still there and we got really close. She introduced me to her friends that was in the society program and all of a sudden I was one of "them". I liked it in the beginning because I started to get attention but soon I realised that it was not a positive attention. I started to change my personality and I didn't like the person I started to become. I only hung out with the one that I didn't change around.

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Then came the prom. This girl from the society program that I have never spoken too came up to me and told me I had the most beautiful dress there and was really careful that no one spilled anything on me. I felt like cinderella! Also, this really good looking guy started to talk to me and came up to me and started to dance with me. The prom was SO my time to shine! I'm just gonna leave my high school years with that ending because it ended as fast and wired as it started.

***

See you next week,

Love, me.

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High School - In ninth grade I had this huge fight with me best friend. I've known her since I was three. I don't remember our first meeting but she does. She explains it as if it was like a maffia meeting. She even uses the word maffia. I was the new kid at kindergarten, which she was already the "ruler". Because of my darker skin and hair I already looked kind of bad ass, that's why I got to meet with the leader the first day when I came to the new place (LOL)! After that it was always me and her. After ninth grade it wasn't. At first it was really difficult cause every day we called each other, we didn't talk all the time on the phone, we just called just because, we could be quiet for a while and then talk a little and then quiet again. Also, every weekend we hung out. On Friday we either slept at her place or mine and then the other night we slept at the other persons place. You can imagine how confused I was when we didn't talk. I didn't know what to do, who to call and tell "WHAT JUST HAPPENED" or hangout with during the weekends. I had never slept two nights at my place in a row during the weekends before. That was weird. After a couple of moths I sadly got used to it and after four years I didn't remember her, ALMOST! She was my best friend since I was three, of course I remembered her, but you know what I mean. I had someone else to call or to hangout with at this time. But there was still moments, after four years, when I just wanted to pick up the phone and call her and tell her my day. I never forgot her phone number to her place. (She was the one drinking the other of the vodka bottle)! Even though I felt alone I knew that I needed to just get it over with and start to socialise with some new people at my new school for my high school years.

***

Apparently my grades from junior high wasn't good enough for the schools I had applied for so no school had expected me. Me and my parents had to go to a meeting with a girl telling me about different schools I could apply for. My parents were pissed. So I applied for another school and got accepted. It was this new school that had just started and their "thing" was to speak English, which was bullshit. I think I was there for like 2-3 months before the headmaster of my brothers school called my dad, or if it was the other way around. My dad says he never lies but sometimes I doubt that. Whatever, my brothers school had this policy that if you have a sibling in their school you will get a free pass into the school no matter where on the waiting list you were. Maybe your grade did matter, I'm not sure. So they had called my dad because they had seen that my brother was already a student of their school and therefore asking if I wanted to go their. Of course I wanted, it was a good school with a good reputation. The only downside was everyone going to the school. They were snobs. Their parents were loaded and they always had the newest things. I don't event know why my brother wanted to go there. Some idiot had told us that "by choosing a good high school you can get into to any university", which also was just all bullshit. It's all about the grades and will always be about the grades. I gave the school a chance, so I went there for a day. The class I started in consisted of only snobby people. No one spoke to me, yet even looked at me. I hated it. I told them that I didn't wanted to go there and went back to my old school. I could see that my dad got really sad cause he wanted me to go there. After the weekend we went back to the snobby school to ask for my place back and from that day forward I was the new kid in the class...

***

I got really good friends, friends for life even. During my time in junior high I had never done one homework. I didn't know how to stock for a test. This snobby school thaught me that.

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In my new class I had one friend in the beginning. She was a childhood friend I hadn't seen for years, because for some reason we always fought when we hung out. Anyway, we hung out all the time and then one day she was sick and stayed home from school and left me all alone. ---> too be continued! 

***

See you next week,

Love, me.

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​Junior High --- One night when I was asleep, last day of junior high someone broke into our house. In my sleep, the suspect wiped out my memory with this wired alien device. This's not a true story. I wish it was though, that would explain why I don't remember anything from the three years of junior high. We did party a lot... I don't want to say that it's the reason but it might be. Me and my friend we used to share a vodka bottle, 700ml. Yes. We drank it like water. Today I can't even look at it, or smell it. I want to say that I'm proud over our ability to consume that much alcohol but I'm not, but we were young so, it's a super good excuse. The excuse "I was drunk" doesn't work with me but "I was just a kid" workers every time. What does impress me is how we got hold of the liqueur. I don't member paying for anything. I think a friend of ours used to pay. I wonder how she got the money... I wonder how she did pay now when I'm thinking about it?!!! To get to all these parties I had to lie to my parents about where I was. The same friend that was fixing the alcohol for the parties was also the only one not having a curfew. You could say that she did had one but never went by it. She was rebellious. Sometimes she told her parents where she was going and when she was coming home and sometimes she didn't. I used to wish I was more like her but now I'm happy I'm not. I don't know maybe she is happy right now but if I was her I wouldn't be so happy. When I look at her, from my angel, it looks like she doesn't have any friends and are quite alone. She only have 2. friends. But for her maybe that's just fine. Maybe even too many. She have a sister but they don't have a sisterly relationship. It's been so many year, what to I know, maybe they're the best of friends. Enough about her. 

***

These three years of junior high were the years when a lot of people experimented with a lot of things. This time I do mean sex but also other different substances. I don't remember this, but apparently there were some classmates that came to the classes stoned. How could I've missed that?! I think it all started with everyone using Glade to just feel high, or maybe you did get high. I don't know cause I never tried. You know what Glade is, right? That spray you use after going to the bathroom and it start to smell because you did number 2. I never tried it, of the purpose of being high, I have a 0 tolerance policy when it comes to drugs. I've cut of those friends that started. I've no mercy. i remember my friend telling me a story about a guy who tried Glade. I don't remember the word for it but he said, there's a 50% chance something can go wrong in your brain when taking it. The way you did it was by spraying Glade in a plastic bag and then breath it in. DO NOT TRY THIS, please! Anyway, he told me about this guy, he had tried taking Glade and something apparently went wrong because everytime he heared an helecoper, of all things, he ran and hid under a table and wispered things in German, and he doesn't even speak or know German. I don't know if this's a true story but it does sound like it's made up.

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In 8th grade everyone got a scooter/ moped, everyone except me. My brother got one. I didn't. I even got a license saying I'm allowed to drive one but I never got one. I don't know why my parents went through all that trouble. My brother did give me a lift a couple of times. I also borrowed my friends scooters/ mopeds. I mean, I couldn't get caught, do you know why? CAUSE I HAD A FRICKEN LICENSE! Yes, this IS something that still bothers me.

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In junior high I had this crush on this guy. He was one year older than me, I think I only spoke to him once. I introduced myself to him. I remember that my childhood friend that had moved to another city was visiting me and we went to this house party and he was there and he came up to us and shook hands. Very polite. Maybe it was because of my friend he came up to us. Maybe he liked her... After that I never spoke to him. We did have friends in common but I was to shy to make a move. I hate myself for that because he had these PERFECT lips you can ever imagen. I like lips. At one time he was in a relationship with a girl in his class or something. Don't remember if she went to our school but we were in the same soccer team. I didn't like her. Her dad was the coach, so of course she got to play every game even though she wasn't that good. I mean, I had to earn my 90 minutes on the field. There's this moment in junior high that I will NEVER forget. A classmate of mine, which was very spoiled. He was adopted from Brazil by a Norwegian family that later moved to Sweden. They were rich and did everything for him. They bought him all the cool new things, even drove to other cities just to buy him the first copy of WOW, that computer game, if you remember. Well, whatever, sorry for the side track. He had, of course, gotten this new bike (motorcycle) or what's it that they called the once that was cooler and bigger than the scooters. There was only 3 or 7 of them in Sweden or in the world. Something fancy like that and he was of course bragging about it, for being one of the owners having one. So, the cool chick as I was (NOT), I sat on it. I wasn't that long in my younger days, not that I've grown much either... My feet wouldn't reach the ground so me and the bike feel sideways down, and guess who walked by and sees everything? Yes. Him. The gorgeous guy. I haven't forgotten this but I hope that he has. I've seen him a couple of times at the bus stop. He doesn't look the same. Not as wonderful and dreamy as before. Maybe time doesn't treat him well if you know what I mean. He was my first crush. He's my first crush. He will always be my first crush. I hope I'll see him soon again, I miss those lips, too look at them and maybe kiss them one day...?!

***

See you next week,

Love, me.

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Middle School --- Shit got serious fast! I don't know why or how, it just did. Maybe it was because of the hormones. Remember during primary and middle school are you classes was in the same classroom and you had the same teacher for three years? That's how we did it in my school. Anyway, in middle school we changed teacher and classroom. Our classrooms was now in the other side of school. Not "on the other side of school" like you had to pass the playground. Out school was build lika a big "U". On the left side of the "U" all the primary classes were held. On the little curve on the "U" you could find the headmaster and all the "important" people. -Our headmaster was also a figherfighter-. Then on the right side on the "U" all the big kids had their classrooms. When I was in primary school they looked so tall and scary. They were never bad kids, they were actually really nice to us. They used to carry us around like we were their kids. I liked it. We NEVER did this to the younger kids when we started middle school! This was the time when did my soccer debut. I was the only girl in the class playing. In 4th grade there was is soccer tournament between other schools in our city. Cause I was the only girl playing soccer outside school my teacher just expected me to participate, but I was this lost girl who didn't wanted to do it if my friends wasn't doing it. My teacher got so mad after trying to convince me, she even told my friends to try to change my mind but they were all on my side after that bitch called me a disgrace for the class. I didn't even know what that meant but apparently all my classmates did. When she screamed that out everyone was just staring at me, wondering what I would do next, Well I cried. I don't like attention and that's what I got when the whole class was staring at me. I got so nervous. Today I think of hitting her. Too little to late for that.

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There was this guy that had moved from the big city because his dad had met someone new. His story was actually very sad. His mom had died when he was just four. He had an older brother but I don't remember how old he was. It turned out that the dad's new girlfriend was the daughter one of my neighbours. Her mother was a witch!! Seriously! She accused my dad for putting om signs. I mean, hello, weird lady, those signs comes from the government and they're the one putting them up. This one time when she came over complaining about something she gave me her number saying "every time you feel lonely, just give me a call". I mean that was sweet, maybe it was a hint saying that she was the one feeling lonely. Never called her, Ain't nobody got time for crazy! I don't recall if it was after a year or a couple of months my new classmate's dad and my neighbour's daughter broke up. They had moved in to this new huge house that was done built just days before they moved in. My neighbour's daughter got the house and my new classmate and his brother and dad had to check into a hotel. I know this because he told everyone, even the teacher. He was just a kid, he didn't what was going on and why and that he maybe shouldn't have told us, and not the teacher. SHE STARTED TO FLIRT WITH THE DAD!! I liked him. Not the dad. My new classmate. At first we teased him for having a little head comparing to his body. He got chicks anyway, He even got me fallen for him and his tiny head. I don't know why every girl liked him, maybe because we had been going to school with the same guys for years that fresh blood was just what we needed. He always did hit own thing. I liked that about him. He didn't care about what we said. Maybe that's why people stopped saying it to his face, cause it didn't bother him anymore. Kids.

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Before summer break and before junior high there was a lot of experiments what was going. One could think that it had to do with sex, but no. There was these two girls that all the girls wanted to be and all the guys wanted to have. They were literally "too cool for school"!! They started to smoke. WOW! One of them even admitted that she had taken her mothers cigarets, hid in the woods and trained herself smoke until perfection so when she did it infront of us it would be without any coughing. I don't know if she was smart or just stupid. I don't know if I dare to tell you what she is doing today. I saw her not very long ago though. I was at a cafeteria with two of my friends and all of a sudden someone walks by banging in the window. I thought my heart was going to jump out of my chest. It was her. She did one of her faces she just to do when we were kids. She always did them when she didn't know what to say. Then she just ran away, haven't seen her since. 

***

See you next week,

Love, me.

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I’m not old, it just feels like it, specially when I’m talking to someone that's younger than me. But, when I AM old I want to have been young during a glamours century. I want to think back and say “remember when we used to do that” to my friends, and retell stories to the kids, and they would just look at me with their big round eyes and picturing our stories in their playful minds and wish they could be living our youngster life. That's how I want my youth to be, an AWESOME story to retell! I mean, it has been a great time and still is but when I talk to my parents it sounds like they had more fun when they were young than I had, or have, depending on my mood about my age-situation. Sometimes I'm old and sometimes I'm young. Maybe I shouldn't complain, I don't know... This is what's going to happened, during the next four weeks I will tell you about my years in primary and middle school, junior high and high school, maybe I will remember things that might change my view about my life. Maybe I still have a shot on becoming the cool aunt to my brother's future kids...!

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Kindergarten. I mean who remembers that time, right! Okay, I remember a little, but nothing special happened, like drama-boyfriend-special-moment-thing, so lets just skip this part. 

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Primary School --- I remember before I started. I used to take my brother's books he got from school, read them and prepare myself for the first day in school. Something that my mother never lets me forget is that I always promised her that "when I start going to school I will always do my homework in time, brush my teeth and go to bed in time". LOL, that NEVER happened! Aaaanyway, when I started I knew all my classmates because we had been going to the same kindergarten (maybe I do remember more from kindergarten then I let myself believe), There were just three or two new kids. Or maybe it was four. I never forget, our teacher, she got cancer after one month after school started. (she survived). Because of the medication she couldn't come to school so we got substituteS. Yes. Plural. We had like two a day. Some left the classroom crying. I don't remember THAT but friends to me remembers. There was this one substitute I still know the name of, Rickard. He told my parents that I was the best student in the class when it came to reading. LIAR! Apparently he told every kids parents this! It made me lazy. For some reason, after that I hated to read books. I really don't know why but I blame him that I'm not into reading! He had this stress ball he brought everywhere with him. He had got it from his wife. One day he couldn't find it and FREAKED out (he could really have needed that stress ball then), accusing us for taking it and demanded us to give it back. If I'm not misstaken he found it in is bag or something later the same day, did we get a sorry for the accusation? Nope! He got fired. Enough said. After him we got an old lady. Everyone loved her. She was so sweet and lady like. It was like having Mary Poppins as your teacher, just lovely. The parents wanted her to stay even when the original teacher came back. They came up with a deal. What happened was that every other week we had the new teacher and then switched to the original one. I felt like a divorced kid. The new teacher had more character than the original one. She had a red rug in the classroom and all the school benches would be put together four and four, while the original teacher always rolled away the red rug and put all the benches two and two. BOOORING! 

Life was fun during primary school. Everything was simple, There were no troubles. I never had a boyfriend, just once for 10 seconds... But that didn't bother me like it does today. Sometimes when my friends break up with their boyfriends/ girlfriends I secretly smile to myself. Not because they broke up cause that part is sad but knowing I'm not the only one alone and finally have a single friend. Am I a bad friend for thinking like that...? Please say no! There was no such thing as cheating either, you had like five boyfriends, and your best friend maybe have had the same boyfriends as you, or just one or two. #thuglife

This was the time when wifi didn't exist, kids didn't have phones and if you wanted to listen to your favourite song you had to buy the CD and put it in your CD player, you know, good old times. If i wanted to call a friend I needed to wait until I came home and if he or she wasn't home their parents "left a message" for them and you just had to sit and wait until they called you back and hope that you would be home when they did. There was a phone in school you could use. It was one of those payphones. - I used it sometimes when I wanted a free pass and go home. I just had to call my DEAR mom, tell her "I'm going home", and she call my teacher and told her I didn't feel good and that I was going home. We'r a good team, my mom and I -. Today if you don't text back right away someone's in trouble...!!! Also, when being on the phone, you didn't have privacy. Wireless wasn't even a word back then. The phone had these long wires that looked like a infinity long plastic screw. Don't forget that EVERY phone wire had been screwed the other direction at one point. It was as if an evil fairy came to your house and messed the wires to piss you off. Even though you had this mission to fix it during every. single. phone call. you had, it still made you go all crazy. 

Today Spotify saves your bus rides and you can listen to every song at all time, there is no fighting to finding the song you heard on the radio, no excitement. 

Do you remember the sound when connecting to the internet? No one could call you when someone was online, the struggle!! But I miss it. I do. I try to live my life as easy as I used to during primary school, and tryst me, it's so liberating. The problem today is that everyone are so damn serious. Every kid have their own phone and are busy trying to be grown ups and forget to be childish. They ARE children, their schedule should consist of childish activities from Monday to Sunday! My dad always used to tell me "everything has its age", and he's right. Live by that and you will have time for everything.

***

See you next week,

Love, me.

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I need to do something with my life. Something fun. Otherwise my soul will leave my body and I will look like a walking zombie. It will look like someone pressed autopilot and I’m just walking by.

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You know the saying "fake it until you make it"? Do you really believe in that? I do. I have wished so many times that I were someone else, isn't that just sad...!? Will that never happened, me being someone else? I have always been me but my personality changed. Not in a bad way. In a way… you know when you look yourself in the mirror and you say to your reflection: I like who I’m right NOW. Well, at this very moment I believe that I’m in a big city and I’m a very important person and I’m trying to escape my crazy life. That's NOT what's going on right now. Fun fact about me: I’m not very important, I’m living in a ok big city, I’m a student with no life. How ironic isn’t that…?! Right now I’m sitting in the school cafeteria eating by my self because my friend stood me up but that’s not all!! That is actually the second time I got stood up today. That’s how important I’m.

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What is happiness anyway? For how long can you be happy? I think that real happiness is just for a couple of seconds and the rest that feels like you are still happy is actually your body processing the happiness you just felt and are preparing you to go into that mode when you remember that you were happy but you are not happy you just remember being happy, do you know what I mean? Maybe I’m to young to be thinking about this things, or maybe I’m not. I see people in my age or younger and they are doing fun things with their lives, well that is what it seems like. Some people just want you to think that but the truth is that they are as miserable as you are. I have a friend, always happy, sometimes mad but her way to calm herself down is for someone to tell her something fun. She always has these amazing and fun stories about what she has done and what happened to her "that time". After hanging out with her a couple of times it doesn’t seem to be that glamorous as she painted it after all. I caught her a couple of times when she was about to retell a story to a friend about us. She was exaggerating. I didn’t say anything but after that I don’t really believe that all her stories actually went down as she says they did… I do that too though… exaggerating my stories to sound more interesting. Things you do for attention, right! Sometimes I even exaggerate to myself. Like when you meet a guy at the club and he looks at you and you go all like: HE WANTS ME! Or is that just being self-centred? I’m not even going to put up psycho as an option because we all have a little bit of that!

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Well, if it's really true that if you fake it you will make it then I want to become a fashion designer in NYC and I will fake it until I’m there!! If you wonder why fashion designer then my answer is, why not? But if you'r wondering why NYC then I have no idea, it just kind of goes hand in hand with fashion designer I guess.

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See you next week,

Love, me.

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