Hello loves! It's been forever and I really have no excuse other than laziness and forgetfulness.
Update on life: I'm still working, but that's no news. Other than that I bought an apartment! It's just a one room apartment so it's small, but it's big enough for me (for now). I'll post before and after pictures when it's done but that's still far away right now. So stay tuned!!
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I found this pic in my camera roll yesterday and started missing summer!! This was the first picture I took of myself in a bikini in a loooot of years. This is actually from a day after the first time in years that I even wore a bikini around people because I've been so insecure about my body. I'm so proud of myself for ignoring my insecurities and just living!
I inspire myself to get better when I see this picture.
The picture in the middle (taken outside) doesn't really show the true color, my hair is now gray with a hint of lilac in it and I'm OBSESSED. It's so shimmery and like metallic I just ughhhh
I spent April 1st with my two closest friends. First me and S went out for a bit of shopping and lunch. Then we went back to our town, picked up J and went back to the larger town again for dinner (which S bought for us cause me and J have both turned 20 now, so cute of her!) and then we went to a show by a Swedish comedian or whatever he goes by, William Spetz, it was great!! Oh and at dinner S took that pic of me and I had to post it here cause how cute is it that she took a picture and posted it on her mystory! Like that's what I want if I ever have a relationship (which I most likely won't but anyways), someone taking cute pictures of you to brag to their friends?? Adorable!
The reason I've been MIA the past week or so is because I found out that my dog had to move. I didn't think that this would tear me apart as much as it did but I've been crying for a week now and today was just horrible. I know that to many people this is just "a dog" or "a pet" and people give their pets away/have them taken from them all the time but this isn't like that. She was there with me when I was at my lowest. She was there when I started having suicidal thoughts a few years back. She was there when I hurt myself and she was there when my baby sister passed away. She's basically what I feel like (and this can sound harsh but I don't mean it like that) is the only stable think in my life. She was always there. When I was all alone and didn't have anyone she was there. And even though I didn't have the energy to take care of her she meant, and still means, the world to me. She is one of two good things to have happened to me. Doris and my baby sister Tyra. And now they're both gone.
Just thought I should tell you.
I thought I should tell you how my last few days have been. I haven't updated much because of this and I hate hiding but that's what I do. I always hide whenever I'm sad or depressing of having anxiety.
Two days ago I spent 3 hours crying and forcing my mind to push myself down. Making me look bad in my own eyes. Thinking poorly of myself. Forcing the anxiety to arise. Yesterday I went to my moms place (I'm currently living on my own, only temporarily) and that was just what I needed. My baby brother was so happy to see me and that warmed my heart. We had "dinner" at like 4.30 and then I took my dog and went back home.
Right now it's 12.45pm and I spent the entire night last night with just being a terrible person and quite frankly bullying myself. I can't explain what it's like when I do this cause it's hard to grasp, but right now I feel terrible and all I can think of is how easy it would be if I just wasn't here. My mind keeps playing these tricks on me and I end up hurting myself so much that I go back to the way I used to be. And it's been 228 days since I last Physically (mark the word) self harmed. And I'm so proud that I haven't since then but now that my mind is doing this I want to go back to my old ways. Mentally self harming is just as bad as physical but I don't think people think of it that way since you can't see it. The scars are there, but you can't see them.
I may or may not share more about this later on, depends on how I feel about the response I get from this.
Today has so far been terrible so now I hope it'll change. Just writing about it can help me so I hope it does this time.
These are some of the things I got from my mothers family. A cactus cause I don't like flowers but I want something green in my bedroom window, but somehow I always end up killing the flowers so apparently a cactus is life proof and Julia-proof! Amazing.
The tiny frame saying "Always be yourself, unless you can be JLo, then always be JLo" and I honest to God think I like that the most, haha!!
A speaker from my mom and her husband that gives 360* angles of sound, and it's also a multi-room speaker so I can buy more later if I want one for each room when I've moved away from home!
The rest you can see, and I also got a lot of gift-cards for IKEA so I can buy myself furniture when I move!
Tomorrow is my birthday but I'm actually going away over the day so we celebrated me and my mom with our family today and I got a lot of great things, I'll show that later in another post, promise! Right before everyone showed up here I felt a little hungry so I just cut up some kiwi and added just a few raisins before dinner!
Tune in later for pictures of what I got from my mothers side of the family!