I used to think what comes after us is not a happily ever after but rather pain and torture of our memories,

regretting of the time that we both wasted on each other. Our lips that kissed the wrong person,

that slid through every parts of our skin from the forehead to the neck to the collar bones to the chest to the soft breast, to the belly ring, in between our legs, upto the toes,

and how we feel guilt as we take a shower, how we touch a part of our skin and feel a disgusting feeling that you once loved that part of my body

and how it once belonged to yours. A dizziness of some sort because we felt the urge to see each other but cannot do so,

even if we still longed for each other but the toxicity is overwhelming to continue our relationship and so we cant.

Destructive relationship, that was us. We were just high of being together and it was not healthy anymore, our egos was racing,

we were more likely in a competition than loving each other, we hoped for the best but what we hope was for the worst.

we both know that not lust and love can save us, we just woke up one day and realized that we should have ended things than make it more time consuming of being together,

being together will just be a waste. We just could not do it anymore. Hopeless love, we found it in a hopeless place.

And then we just threw our relationship in the gutter and called it quits.

How we felt disgusted on what we have become, how we both know that were better off each other, that I will become better but not with you.

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I don't know where I am exactly heading in my life I haven't figured out that yet and it just baffles me on how I'm still here not moving and sometimes I feel like I'm moving but I dont know where I am.

everyone seems to know which way they are heading and where they are in their life while Im just here and that scares me.

it keeps me up at night and it got me thinking every single second and all I just want is to reach my goals and to achieve something that they could be proud of but its just too far away and too much at the same time.

Im not complaining Im just literally figuring where i am, what i am doing and how I see this things that others do not see nor feel and know.

sometimes I feel like I moved but that thing or path or goal was not for me that i have to let go. Im just too lost right now, everything is confusing, everyone is ahead of me and I cant keep up.

I know the saying that if its not the right time for you in that moment then time will come it will open doors and that will be the right time in the right place.

I guess that saying is just utter bullshit I mean why wait when you can open doors and if its not the right door then you can always open many doors and find new things.

that is what I am doing as of right now, but you see here, my emotions and mental state is just not okay, I dont even know what I want anymore and theres this things that I want and I have to do that and this and yet again it all seems so blurry.

Im lost again and I just want to let this go but the hunger of something tells me that I should not let it go because in the process I might find it.

you might say Im a lost cause, aren't we all? were all a lost cause others has just achieved what they were looking for and yet they seem so empty and I dont want that to happen to me that is why I crave for something I dont even know all these years.

I am a lost cause who is searching for the unknown.



Looking for a place

Looking for a face

Looking for a warm embrace

Looking for familiarity

Recently I’ve been looking for something, I don’t know what it is, I don’t know where it is, who it is, but I just know that I’m searching for it. A warm familiarity, it dwells me to such things so much that I don’t even know if it exist or it just makes me feel such.

I just know that it is there but I couldn’t find a reason what it is or who it is, the why am I searching for it, who am I searching exactly? It baffles me to find my emotion so rough in the edges.

Maybe I am losing my mind these days or maybe I am not, maybe this is the after effect that’s been downing me for months now. A single outcome and this is the result.


Whoever you are or what you are, I want to know you, I want to find you wherever you are in this massive city that I live in, and I hope to meet you. Whether you exist, I hope we meet at the end of the pavement or in a street full of people rushing to their appointments.

Nothing fascinates me more than to meet such a wonderful soul or place, maybe you are a nature that wants me to wander, maybe you are just you. How I want to explore such thing, exactly as your corners and your state of wanders that captivates me now.



The reason why I fell hard with you, it was because I looked at you and I saw this beauty wherein I felt home in paradise, your arms was the one holding me and your smile was the warmest smile I ever saw, so far in my life all I see is beauty from within but the best one I’ve seen was you

I fell hard in the arms of someone who gave me so much more, who was my comfort and who was always there, carrying my inner wounds, who gave me confidence despite my low-self-esteem, who made me laugh and the one who regained my smile

You felt like home and in there I stayed, I stayed not because I couldn’t love myself, I stayed because you were there, you loved me at my worst and my best, loved my flaws, my thinking that I wasn’t good enough and the way I see myself. You loved all of it

The arms that I was yearning for, the home that I was hoping to stay so long and maybe forever, the smile that made me fall so hard, the laugh that made me think I couldn’t ask for more, the touch that I wished to never forget

But the home that I was in love with, fell apart and went to a different direction. It just vanished, collapsed in front of me, and I still stayed. Reconstructing every pieces that I could do, didn’t gave up and stayed by his side

Until the home that I was constructing was no longer willing to be fixed, no matter how much I tried to fix it. The home that I wanted to stay so much, was no longer there. I tried my best I tried everything to be with him but he was no longer willing

And he didn’t exist anymore. My home left me.



I make the crap out of everything and I make the dead stars turn to dust and be reformed again by being alive, ours was not mine to decide

The vast ocean never intended for us to fall so deep or was it just I, who was allowed to drown and you were at the land looking for someone else

The deep ocean that you made, the deep love that you made for us, I was the only one drowning, waiting for you to save me

How much I loved the night until I met you that day, the air turned crisp between us, we were staring back and forth. We knew where this was heading

To a love that we thought would last, much more than any bonds that could create, we believed our love was far different than anyone could ever imagine

Too naïve to think back then, we were going so fast we felt like everything was going to be stolen including me and you, we were torn apart by the thoughts and chaos surrounding us

The universe wanted it this way, they were putting us in a state whether we could handle it or not, day by day drifting us apart and what we should do

Finally, deadline. This was the day, the day that I feared will come and no matter how much I fought fate, it would always win

The stars no longer beamed of light, the air was dead, the moon became weary, the rain became heavy and it stings of hatred and the coldness had eaten him

I could no longer fight it and so I let it become what it will be and so it did, he left and I became a driven soul that lost its way to a meaningless world.



It has been raining for days and sometimes the sun comes out giving us a ray of hope in the midst of chaos, my grey days has been going roller coaster rides lately but it stopped at the tip of the topsy turvy spot, the same time I found out that you’re back in the arms of a past lover.

What they say is true after all, it really is a small world. It really is a small city where we live in, words come and go until it reaches to that one person, the person you’d always deny, past lover, me. Eyes have seen. Ears have heard, people ask about us, they talk about my mess as you have eventually told them lies.

You don’t care if it hurts me as long as the person you love doesn’t know about us, deny deny deny. People think it was easy for me, for loving you so deeply and you leaving me without a word. They don’t think it pained me a lot.

They say you’re back with her, I’m happy for you. I really am. I just don’t want to see you both, I don’t want to meet her, are you gonna feign yourself with her till the end?, I actually don’t want to see her in my spot, resting in your embrace, holding your hand.

"I’ve been strong for so long but I don’t think I’m not that strong enough, it hasn’t been that long since I was the one in your arms."

Ever since you left I couldn’t remember myself being sober anymore, I lost count how wasted I was just to forget you. Because being sober will only hit me, the reality that you’re gone, our moments stays as a memory now, you never coming back, your scent lingers, places that we’ve been hurts. Everything hits harder when I’m sober.

Although it was your choice to leave me, I held on for so long like a dummy. Hoping that it could be fix but it can’t be changed, I gave everything to you, I didn’t lack any love because I gave it all but I wasn’t enough from the beginning, I can’t shake your calm voice saying those words that you want to end everything between us.

Just like I never meant anything to you. They say you found a new love but it was actually an old love, but I’m glad she makes you strong and helps you through hard times, be with you through thick and thin, gives you the love that you’ve been yearning for because that job was once mine.

I really am happy for you but I’m not yet ready, it’s better to be wasted than sober, because being sober hits me harder. I’m standing in your place but that was a past memory, the one in your embrace is her now. My home was you, her home is you now. You’re back together, I am genuinely happy for you, I just don’t want to see you with her. Because It hasn’t been that long since I was the one in your arms.




I look at her and didn’t know where to start, I just want to say these things and get it over with.

I've been practicing this words over and over again in my head and now that she's here in front of me I got to be frank and stand firm.

“I know I am only going back and forth and hanging my head to directions that limits my answers and you've been waiting far too long, you were starting to think that I was hiding the truth because I left you hanging but it's not that. this is the truth I hope you believe every word I have to say,

I don’t love you anymore, I’m ending what was between us, I’m sure you already know this by the cold treatment that I have given you. Even when you are shedding tears beside me, my heart doesn’t ache anymore seeing you cry. I don’t love you there’s no other reason why. I don’t even want to say I’m sorry or forgive me, I mean why should I? The way that I feel or even felt is not my fault. This is how I really feel. “

And in his expressionless face and the cold dead air between us, the straightforward voice he has became colder by every word he said, this is where I lost him.

▪ Excerpt from a memory I'll never write #3



All these years her heart is always ahead, her mistakes grows bigger without any breaks, she came to her destination but where is she? The nights where she spent walking as the cold air blowing through within her it’s as if it’s telling her that she can’t do it. The city lights that held no hope made her shudder with fear.

The nights used to be her bliss became her companion of sorrow. Every night the little writer was scared, she forgot what made her happy all these times, she forgot how to write in each sheet of paper, the words that used to eat her up every second, every minute, every hour was lost.

Each words that she wanted to use she couldn’t process it anymore it’s no longer reaching every soul that she wanted to reach. Her heart talks too much these days but today it was silent like it was fading away.

Her sin is a heart that speaks so loud that she can’t barely contain and it’s painful, the more she wants to decipher each words the more painful it becomes, this is her curse to write every pain every agony in this world, to reach everyone with words that they cannot let out but despite all of it.

The little writer never gave up needless to say she was happy as long as she was able to hold her pen and write the words that she wanted to convey but her emptiness was filled with these small dreams, to the point that she couldn’t breathe, the writings that she made, made her heart weak and the voice that can’t say what it wants to say are echoing back at her.

Her sorrows are wiped away, these days her every day is filled with the fear of tomorrow, the people who smiled by her side was worried that their little star has lost herself beyond the universe. her family and her friends who were happy for her more than anyone else was about to give up on her despite all of that she was still thankful for their care but suddenly it’s making her more sleepless, her mind wouldn’t let her sleep anymore.

The words were too much to bare and so she exploded with all her emotions being kept hidden. The little writer wanted to die with every pain she encountered, every heartbreak, every sadness, every love that faded in front her, every painful deaths of emotions that occurred in this cruel world ate her alive but despite all of it she continued on living even if she falls down even if she is still lost, she will keep walking and she will keep writing for you.

The little star wanted to fight beaming with rays of light called, hope.




The road was narrow and the other side was pretty much a dead end, it was a river rather. Going straight pass to dozens of houses, wooden chairs were lined near the creek. I could say that the place was clean but despite the cleanliness it was painful to look at. The memories there, it was a painful one.

It began to get cold or was it him? I know he didn’t even know where to start or what he should say, he wasn’t ready much more or less he was confused. And I looked at him, his face was stone dead and expressionless, the silence was awkward.

And he began to say those words,

“I don’t love you anymore, I’m sure you already know.”

I fought for us, told him that we could make this work and all will be well again but I knew that it was too late, he already gave up and someone else was making him happy now.

I was crying beside him, everything hurt.

Then he continued without any remorse.

- excerpt from a memory I'll never write #2



And I hate to admit that I still miss you from time to time but it stops there, nothing else.

I hear your name and everything flows like a symphony that I’ve been searching for so long

I see your name on social media and my heart hurts from reading it, like a storm that’s been taken over and the damage that was left behind

I see your face as I close my eyes and I remember the happy moments that we did, all of it was wrecking into a peaceful love that everyone was jealous of

I smell your scent and made me think the first time that we met, the time stopped for the first time and it allowed me to bring back to that time, whenever, wherever your scent appears

Your glazing and addictive attitude I see in everyone that I encounter and wishing it was you whom I see infront of me

Your smile that could make every girl head over heels, that could make the gloomy day become a sunny and brighter one

Your humor that could lift my sadness away became my daily cravings, from morning till evening I search for your words

Every part of your dislikes that I see as beautiful as the diamonds and the treasure that has been found, all of your flaws is what I fell in love with

From head to toe you shine like every part of you is made of gold and pearls that can’t be found from this world except I’m the only one who can see it because you shine the most out of all the people that wants my attention

I miss every part of us, the places that we tainted, the memories of you exist in every places we’ve been through

Even when we’re apart I still think I could exist forever in your arms, the way that I love you still exist for eternity and I guess when you lose someone you love a part of you is taken and you still love them as life continues to move forward

I miss you from time to time but it stops there, nothing else.