A broken girl falls in love but she’s too afraid to take a risk and she’s too doubtful if she’s being played or if she’s taken seriously, she’s been cheated on, stepped on, used, left behind and the list goes on.

She can’t differentiate the real vs the fantasy, or if she’s dreaming that someone actually does like her. When a broken girl falls in love she falls to the pit and she finds it so hard to go back to where she started from and that is the hardest part, is when she wants to take a dive and be able to just love without any conscience that she’s gonna get hurt again, she just wants to be free.

She wants to take that dive but she’s too afraid that she’ll drown and she knew, she knew very much that no one would save her, no one would take a risk and save her from the sea.

She realized that she couldn’t love again like the way she used to love before, she couldn’t do that again. She just couldn’t. How many boys have hit her up, showed her some efforts but she couldn’t bring to believe them.

She just couldn’t take it. Everything about her was hard to believe, she couldn’t bring to believe in herself and she was dying from the pain every day, all she wanted was to love and be loved but the chains kept her from doing so, her pain fucked her up so bad.

| excerpt from a story I'll never write •

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To the one who will love me next

The day you will meet me will be the day you will see how independent I am, It will be the day wherein you’ll see how valuable I am to myself and when you see this I don’t want you to worry and be unconscious of yourself, I am not a high maintenance kind of girl I appreciate every effort you will give me whether big or small, I don’t care how small you have achieved in your life I will help you achieve it through thick and thin, I will build buildings and castles with you starting from scratch.

I aim to be good enough for myself and if the time comes I will also aim to be good enough for you. I ask of you to be calm when I change my mood at times I can be stupid and angry and at times I’d explode and take it all out on you, I’d bawl my eyes out and won’t accept any comfort I can be cold and harsh but please be patient with me, I can be jealous to the people around you but I won’t be that girl who will take it all on her own, I can take care of myself, I love myself a lot and yes, I am too independent but please when the time comes I will surrender myself to you and I will let you take care of me.

I will give half of myself to you since the other half of myself is for me to take care of. Prepare yourself for I act crazy and selfish at times I may be stupid on the small stuff and make it a very big deal but please understand, that is just the way I am.

I will write you a lot I will describe every little detail about you, every corners on your being every love and inspiration you give me, despite of my independent self I can fully pamper you and shower you with love. I’ll annoy you to death and you’ll explode how annoying I am but don’t get angry because it is my way of showing my love for you.

I overthink a lot and sometimes jump to conclusions and I’d get very sad about it, I’ll think every girl will see what I saw in you and I’ll get scared that someone might see all of the things that I adore about you and It will drive me mad. I may be independent but I have my flaws too, I get anxiety every day and panic attacks but please when this starts I want you to comfort me or give a reassurance that you are there and will always be with me, a hug can also help too.

I have insecurities on my face and body and will also think that you find every girl attractive because on how white their skin is and how beautiful they are, and whenever I point out my flaws do kiss my forehead for this is my what I hate most about my face. I’ll be with you through it all I will never leave you or cheat on you and when everything is rough I want you to share it with me and we will get it through together.

I may not be perfect at times but I can give you everything when you need it the most. I will make you the main character on my art pieces make you my world in every paper I can write you on, I will show every bit of pieces of me, apart from this please show your true intentions of me because I sometimes expect a lot that you’ll return the favor of having mutual intentions and if not please say it to me that you’re not staying long and you’ll soon be leaving because I attached myself to people sometimes and that’s what makes it so hard. And if you are worthy I’ll surrender myself to you whole heartedly and show you enough of what I am to be.

To the one who will love me next, I am not asking for much but please be patient with me.

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Depression is not cute, don’t even think about labeling yourself that you have one just because you think it’s cute and that everyone will pity you for it. No, it’s not cute it’s not amazing it’s not fantastic. Depression eats you up every day, it’s a struggle every day.

As soon as you wake up you feel like you wanna die because it just hits you so hard that you have to do another cycle where it actually exist and no one even sees it, only you. It feels like as soon as you wake up your energy is already drained just the thought of surviving the day. Praying to the Lord and hoping that it will go by fast, that the day will go by fast.

Just the thought of getting up leaving your bed already pains you to death because you just want to curl up and just forget the world for a while. But no, you are forced to get up and continue living and some would say “it’s just part of life” “everything will be okay” “Don’t be so weak!” “Everyone goes through it” “everyone has bigger problems than you”, But none of that helps, hearing that will just make it harder and self-pity will come and destroy you.

Depression just drains everything out from your entire system and it makes you the most useless human being on earth. It’s painful and excruciating, it feels like you are stuck in a loophole and the more you run and run but you just can’t reach that exit, the more it prolongs the agony.

It just knocks everything out from you. Like you are laughing having great time with your friends and just being happy and then the next second you are completely in a daze wanting to disappear, Like you are waiting in line waiting to order some food and then it just snaps and there you go thinking about why am I born, I want to disappear or die.

It is a painful process you have to go through it every day and not even Prozac could help it, not a person, a thing, an animal,not any medicines. None of that could help what we have to go through every day and no one seems to understand it and some just judge what you have been through, judge what you are and all what they see in you.

Depression crashes my self-being it is a cycle every day, it doesn’t go away, it doesn’t choose a time, it is not my fault that I am like this, and it cannot be controlled.

Sometimes you ask why I have to be born and to be in this situation that you don’t even know why your depressed, what was the reason, the why’s and the how and the when. Because I don’t remember it entirely, that maybe being born was my punishment that it is a long process to be healthy again both emotionally and spiritually.

Some of you would say that “she wants attention” “she’s an attention seeker” and all that stuff but you see when you feel this way everyday it just never go away, I am stuck in this state of mind and the game of struggles begins and I fall in deeper and deeper.

I am not looking for an attention, I don’t glamorize that I have a disorder I do not want this and if this feeling could be taken away then I would be willing to give this to you because I don’t want this. I never wanted this. It is painful and agonizing, it pains my family too but I can’t help it.

There are just some days when I just completely shut down and I don’t feel like going out of my room and eating and doing stuff, I just want to sleep for hours and hours and just contemplate, and some days would be terrible at night wherein I had to just give up on being tough and just cry my heart out because for most days I feel like I have been holding it up for too long and sometimes I am beginning to get numb from everything.

It’s not only depression but anxiety creeps in and eats everything inside of me, hating my body from head to toe is hard for me too. And you feel as though you’ll never be happy again, everyone will not understand you no matter how much they try and you destroy relationships and just back away just shutting everyone off, you are ashamed for everything, what you are, what you’ve done and what you will do next.

There are days when you want to be positive you see the positive side and you dwell for it for a while, you want to meet people and do productive things but you know deep down that it is short-lived and it won’t work out anyway.

You slowly become aware that there is a massive gap between you and your friends, family, cousins, and you see yourself different from all of them. In the end you just choose to shut down and be alone in your comfort zone.

The hardest part is that no one even notice it and being sensitive being over the line, all of that will just kill your insides. The low self-esteem that I have and the lack of purpose becomes unbearable and it kills me so much. I just can’t go on anymore.

You see, depression does not go on its own, instead it comes on its own, it is not healthy, some would rather deal just killing it off but I deal it by getting used to it every day and it hurts each and every day but I am already used to it. Tick by tick...

(courage I did, I am about to burst being judge by my scars literally.. and so here it goes. I am sorry for having a battling scars I am greatly ashamed by myself)

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I don't even know where to upload them since they I have been sitting in my gallery for far too long and looking at it makes me so hungry.

So I thought I should upload it here instead.

Brace yourselves for a bunch of mouth watering food.

(Above food are from kelsey's, located at pala.o Iligan city)

(D-dhons restau)

I didn't get the chance to take some photos of the main course because we were so hungry and he had to gulp the food in an instant!

The food was so good tho!

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Reaching from everyone’s perspective on what not

I don’t know where to start there’s just many things I want to say and just blurt everything here, when I was in the shower I thought a lot and decided to share it with you guys and I don’t know why now that I’m typing here I couldn’t say the words. I guess this is nonsense crap to rant to, so just leave me be because I’ve got a lot to talk about. I don’t know where this is heading I can’t even figure out where, I kind of contemplated a lot on what I should be doing with my life, I wasted so many years, a lot of years but the problem is I don’t know what I should be doing, what I want to be doing. I see people and I envy them because they know what they want, they are composed and know what they really do desire in life, I mean I know they’ve got struggles along the way but they just carry that up in a professional way.

I know you guys are gonna say that I should get over it but it’s not, for me it’s a hard decision because the thing that’s keeping me up on most part is that I don’t know what I want, I mean really want. I see things from a point of hazy greys and I thought it was there that I know what it is and then it’s not, you might think I’m losing my sanity but believe me I think the same too. So the crap I’m talking about is that I’ve got so many things that I planned on ahead but I can’t show them you know, it’s like I’m just capable of being limited not limitless or anything else, I’ve got so many talent that I want to actually convey but they are not within my reach.

I feel very very unsatisfied and kind of empty all these years and for most part it kind of drains the life out of me, I’m heading to a point where I could be in a tip of a glass and just break myself and just bleed myself to death because I hate this. There’s a lot of things and places I actually wanna do but it feels like I’m not capable of it and that I should stop here because I am not allowed to go any further.I actually have been planning to make things work and just be me you know, I want to do new things and not just be limited as what was stuck in my head throughout these past  years.

I want to just achieve that feeling that I don’t even know what it is, I know I’m ranting shit out but for most part this is big deal to me. Ranting this shit not even related to my blog is kind of destroying what’s in it. So I’m very sorry. I want to be everything in this world, I am small girl who is after the big stuff and I wanna figure out what is missing along the way, I need to figure that out. I’m unsatisfied and uninspired right now actually and I don’t see the point of going any further.

Hey, I’m not perfect. I’m also human just like you guys. I still feel shitty and unattached to myself as a whole. I’m sorry if some of you are waiting for my written works because lately I feel like everything is draining me and I’m always uninspired at the same time I want to do lots of things not only writing but also do some new things but I can’t actually do them because of some low-self-esteem and anxiety.

I know this will later on destroy the blog feels that I have in my blog and that my feelings of being unsatisfied will later destroy me because I posted this rant, I mean the contents in my blog are on point. I know sooner or later this blog will just fade away I mean this blog is just mostly shitty pieces that I made with myself it’s not the same as those blogs in the label of a “BLOGGER” mine is kind of different, altho at some point I did that blogger stuff but along the way it just made me realized that isn’t me. I have been brainwashed by expectations, I see people who has this different labels on their blog and it feels like mine is just crappy and dull and I know some of you don’t want that.

I’m finding something that would reach your expectations but that isn’t me, whether I post stuff that isn’t like OOTD and all that stuff, the content I need to post and what I have to do is basically getting me nowhere. And some of you are stating what I have to do to become a real “BLOGGER” I didn’t get anywhere to that, I actually tried that but it’s not what I want right now. For me I want my stuff to be kind of aesthetically pleasing to read and see arts that I posted. I’m not saying I’m not going to that point but what I’m trying to say is I want to stick to this, to my expectations altho I’m empty about it but instead I am now choosing the ones I want to live by.

I want to create a content that inspires me, that I am proud of and having fun making. And talking about this rant, this post. I’m removing my actual perspective in my blog because this is the kind of stuff I want you guys to see and appreciate, I want to show you what is real, It feels like posting the right things is my obligation to do so and it’s making me more anxious and I don’t want that. I want you to see the good and the ugly because it’s okay to have both. I feel like I’m so caught up in my blog with me being so overly perfect about it, always focusing on the right things.

I want to change this things because I don’t want to be caught up on what to post, I want you guys to see the real me who is also struggling a lot of things and I just want to let everything out on most days. This blog is my safe haven anyways, I finally got to talk to you guys to say these things after suppressing them for so long I wanted to let you know. Just incase you also need the push, to realize that it is okay to change what you don't like about yourself. Also, so that you all don't get confused by my future post. Etc.

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My heart feels heavy and sad, there is so much that I am feeling and I find myself not knowing what to do with it all. I know I must face what is inside but I'm afraid, I'm afraid that it will be too much. There is so much longing, desires,disappointments,fears and Questions.

I constantly find myself afraid to lose the ones I pour my heart into only because it has happened before, and I know these expectations are false beliefs but I just can't help them sometimes. I have allowed my heart to partner itself with another in the past, and it left me broken.

I fight these thoughts, telling me it will happen again and it is hard but the truth remains.

And I don't even know what it is..

Excerpt from a thought I wrote//strmchsr

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I want to forget you but I can't,

I want to break free from you but I can't,

I want to let you go but I can't,

I want to unlove you but I can't,

I want to go wherever you are but I can't,

I want to hug you but I can't,

I want to hold your hand but I can't,

I want to say I love you everyday but I can't,

I want to pamper you but I can't,

I want to be yours but I can't,

I want to know your demons but I can't,

I want to kiss you whenever I want but I can't,

I want to see you 24/7 but I can't,

I want to feel your warmth but I can't,

I want to hug you but I can't.

I want to be by yourside but I can't,

I want to message you but I can't,

I want to tell you everything that is happening to me but I can't,

I want to take care of you but I can't,

I want to tell you how much I adore you but I can't,

I want to listen to your talks,issues,strange talks but I can't,

I want to hear you sing but I can't,

I want to tell you that I'm always here that I'm never leaving but I can't.

It's not that I can't its just that you wouldn't let me because someone is already doing that for you.

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It was 8/20/15 the clear blue skies made no chaos and that morning was peaceful as anyone could ever imagined, I can clearly remember the time when you told me you wanted to see me, As you said to trust you and that you got everything ready. And you said to meet you at the designated place, as I arrived I saw you standing waiting for me, you were busy fidgeting with your phone and as I came towards you, you look up and you smiled. I can remember the warmth of your hand, as we compared the size of our hands we laughed as your hand were bigger than mine, you stared into my brown eyes as I stared into your hazel eyes, I felt like no one could ever destroy us. And then I remembered The clouds went dark and it rained, the warmth that I thought was always there was gone and you turned cold and everything turned hazy in an instant, you let go and we parted ways after the cuddles and the broken kisses but most of all the promises that we made was gone. And that was the day I lost you.

Excerpt from an unfinished memory//storm chaser

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Thank you for being honest, for saying your intentions towards me involves something else, for not putting flowery words and for cutting the chase that you just want to fuck.

For showing your true colours, for only seeing me as a sex object, for not taking me seriously, for taking advantage of me. Thank you for being real with me.

But above all, thank you for being honest. For not respecting me one bit, for letting me know that I don't deserve you, for fucking up my thoughts ever since you came back, for making me believe with your sweet lies.


I'm sorry because, you could not see the rainbow in me, the purest love that I have for you, the amount of respect I have for you, the golden heart that I could give you.

I'm sorry because I let you take over and destroy me, only because if I did that then maybe you wouldn't leave me but you were too dumb to care.

But still thank you, because you don't deserve a girl like me, for you never saw my worth, for you never saw how much love I have to offer, for you did not saw my beauty, for you did not saw the feelings I wanted to convey.


Thank you, for you did not saw how forgiving I am. For I forgave you on what you did without you knowing, for not seeing how much I have to offer in this cruel world, and for letting me find you that after all this time, it was still you.

Thank you for letting me go without you knowing that I was for keeps,I forgive you anyway.

Thank you, for you lost me.

(This piece has been sitting in my draft closet for so long and I had to think about it and finally I had to publish it since it would be a waste not to.)

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This is my first music review as I’ll start from our lovely city and ofcourse in order to support our indie local bands. I may be new to this but this is my own perspective and taste to my lovely indie ears of mine.

Lately I’ve been loving our local bands aside from loop, my current addiction is “TWINR” or they are known as “The World is not Round”

(below is the picture of the band)

The world is not round just released their album last june 22, 2016 as this album is entitled "Alpha Rhythm"


Once you get to listen to their music I bet your Replay button will be raped many times I’m not exaggerating tho it really is addictive, the intro of their songs sure is addictive as it starts with the drums banging and then the guitars afterwards creating the intro a blasting addictive key to the ears, “eargasm” I say and then followed by the lyrics as the vocalist sings its 1st lines of the lyrics.

You are far most captivated as you listen to the lyrics, you could further relate to it, I bet you’ll be imagining situations that happened based on the songs.

For further ado, these are my favorite songs from their digital album “Alpha Rhythm”

                           1. Falsified Fantasies
                           2. Priam
                           3. Sherlock’s Ghost
                           4. Downward Disposition
                           5. First Date
                           6. be there tonight

Do I need to go to the why’s on why I like the songs that I listed above?

No.1 falsified fantasies gives me the vibes of seeing myself being a lil overdose to having a full trust to giving my heart to that someone and yes, I’m in the guilty category of being swallowed by the mind of my other half and I guess wanting to know what’s his intentions and all the lies but despite all of that you already know that all of it was just a “Falsified fantasies” and yet you hold on. (Dumb thing to do I say)

No.2 Is the make-believe part wherein you thought you could survive grasping a thin hope that you’ll make it alone despite being lost in your own self. (This my dear reader is depressing for me but addictive in a way )

No.3 Sherlock’s Ghost kinda talks about a forbidden love wherein the people that surrounds them are more or less against them and with every move the guy makes is being watched. ( I gotta say I raped this song)

No.4 As you listen to the lyrics you could say to yourself that you need a peace of mind or being set free from the grasp of the people including in a toxic relationship wherein the other half gradually brings you down.

No.5 First Date!! This song is no.1 on their album altho I listed it no.5 randomly, this song falls in knowing what she is like but instead you took the risk of loving her and then comes breakup and believing the issues that surrounds you, hatred then comes in the door.

No.6 "be there tonight" I could literally say this song talks about my current situation but dang, this song hit me hard. And if you’d want to know why exactly I’d want you to listen to this song and understand the lyrics very clearly! (Make sure to hit me up and let me know)

Boy was that long? Well I find it very sublime and fulfilling to share my own perspective to each songs that I listed above, but that’s not all of their songs.

There are 12 songs in their album, I couldn’t list all of them because I wanted to share my top 6 faves to you guys and explain the “why’s.

For you my Dear Reader I'll post the list of their songs below,

I'm sure you're curious by now base on the title of their songs then I suggest you listen to their songs and maybe have a Kind heart to buy their album and also please do, Rape the Replay button because I know for sure you’ll get addicted by their songs.

And if you can, please do a review or Share their songs to the others and spread the love you have for them. Don’t miss out and be sure to keep updated to them, you can find them on Facebook as The world is not round. They also have a youtube account and make sure to subscribe!

You can find their album in this site, the link is below.

website; www.theworldisnotround.bandcamp.com

SUPPORT LOCAL BANDS ALL THE WAY ❤

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