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They say taking a risk could lead you to another path, but taking a risk could also lead you to a thorn path and empty promises.

Getting attached to some and assuming every single detail that they had shown you can be the worst thing that could happen.

False love and false hope can mentally destroy you at the end.

Everyone’s too afraid to stay in love and everyone’s too busy to not love.

Assuming for the worst but hoping for the best,

Fighting to stay and fighting to let go,

Holding to what’s keeping you together and holding on to what’s keeping you apart,

Drowning yourself with self-doubt and drowning yourself with a two-faced assurance,

No secure love, as to no assurance to what it takes to love you.

Keeping both sides to understand each other but it could also mentally destroy both ways.

Feeding with love while feeling with hate.

And I guess everyone is too fucked up to take the risk.

But should I take the risk with you?

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Zero as what started everything between us. Not a negative or a positive zero but just plain zero. I can clearly remember how we met, we started as mutual friends, I grew fond of you without telling you and we made plans to hang out with each other, just us two. But that never happened and one day out of the blue we met at some place, you asked me to go along with you since you’ll be meeting with your friends and introducing me to them wouldn’t give any assumptions but then it did, they teased us if we were together and you held my hand without any doubt and everyone started going insane that we were a perfect one as they say and I thought we were until months passed by you left me, only I was left hanging.

I kept everything between us, the holding hands at midnight, the cold rides at the highway, the 12 midnight kiss in the middle of the street, the going to the store to buy liquor, the laughing with your friends and the grabbing my waist suddenly, going to places we’ve never been before, stolen shots of you, of us, the cuddles because it was too cold, stealing your cap suddenly and wearing them, touching your long nose and squeezing them, making fun of people, the out of town plans,the conversations until 3am,everything about us that we did

All of that was going so damn well until you disappeared out of the blue. I thought we were going to make it but you left me hanging, you left me in the streets all alone, I could not even utter a single word you left me speechless by what you did and I guess I was the one to blame for believing all of those stupid things that made me whole. I tried leaving you, believe me, I really did. Went to places that didn’t exist of us, I smelled your cologne everywhere and it stings memories of us, I had no choice but to swallow what was left of us. And I did all I could to forget you but everything shattered only to know that you left me for someone else and I could not help but think that I wasn’t enough, big fucking deal that I wasn’t enough to make you happy

There were so many questions left unanswered that I want you to fill it up and I grew the courage to say it to your face but only I was left with a disappearing act. Funny how love works one minute you love each other to death creating endless memories the next minute the love is dead and gone including the memories that were made along the way. Funny how it happened to us

Your ghost followed me for months, cried myself to sleep for months, because you see, you completely knew me, my fears, my happiness, my soul, my mind, my depressive state, how fucked up I was, how scared I was to everything and you were always there to secure me that everything is going to be alright that I have you. You knew everything that I was and you knew very well that I badly needed you and you shattered all of that. I was smashed to pieces I was tearing up, I broke my walls for you including my state of mind, I broke my rules for you and all along I was wrong. And one day, just one day you called, saying how sorry you were but the thing is I never resented you instead I resented myself for being a fucked up who blew herself because of you

You showed me that no matter how fucked up this world can be, someone out there could treat you right with respect, that someone will hold your hand and say you got me, someone could lift you up and give you an assurance, someone could be the light that I was trapped in, someone could give you an amount of happiness and be the result of everything that happened. And now you’re gone and I’m back to zero,zero love, zero to negative emotions.

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And we both deserved better. We both knew that deep inside, it was just we couldn’t bring that up. maybe because we were scared of losing each other. One day I took the courage to end everything with you but I was really scared on doing it, just saying the words that we should stop this silly thing that we both have. Maybe just maybe we would end up together someday but not now, no matter how much we try to make things work, it just wouldn’t. Fuck up situations will just step between us and make everything stop, I just couldn’t do it and I know you want to take every chance and maybe just by believing, it will turn out to be okay but what’s the use if the other one will not fight with you. It’s that I knew from the start that we obviously deserved better, better chances, better life, better love, better someone else.

It’s obviously my fault how deep it got and I made you fall for more intentions and in the end I was the one who couldn’t do it, who couldn’t keep promises and who let go. But I did it for the better, I know I will regret it later on but I did it for us. Because you see, we both deserved an amount fair of chances in life, an amount fair in taking things slow, an amount fair at happiness, an amount fair in taking things forward for our future, to figure out what we want, what we need. I already saw from the start on where we were heading and I tried to shake the thought off, I really did. But it kept chasing and chasing me, until I held it without a doubt and accepted it. But we both know we really need this, just to figure things out in our life but most of all, you need to figure out yours.

Baby you don’t need me, You need yourself. I’m letting go because I can’t fix you and I can’t fix myself either, I’m doing this because I know only you can fix yourself and I’m not the remedy, no one is. You might think by doing this is the wrong way but trust me, this is really the only way.  You have your situations that is in need of fixing and letting go, vices that needs to be fixed too. You figure yourself out while I find my way and fix everything about myself.

Our time together was short but I really did cherished every little memories we have, this doesn’t mean I am letting go on what we had it’s just that we both need some time to figure things out and make things work on ourselves and in each other’s mistakes that we need to correct. I want you to find out if we were strong enough, I want you to realize if this is just some sort of a play to you or you really want to make things work for both of us not just because you feel the need to want me and the desire to feel this thing called “love” because this is not a fair game that only you could do.

Baby, I deserved to be filled with consistency knowing how much we argue and hurt each other knowing that you’ll come back from it because you know that we still deserve each other, that we both deserved a chance to be in paradise or in hell because we both deserved to be with each other. To be together. We deserved everything in every emotions, the greater good and the deepest hell of emotions. And I want you to figure yourself out, if this is just a madness of yours or because you need this for your selfish desires.

And I’m not doing this because I wanted to, I’m doing this because I have to, I will still be by your side and support you in everything that you do, I mean I am your shitty princess after all and as you always say. Always remember that I adore the fuck out of you and will be there as you call me. Let’s find ourselves first and then maybe find each other by then. I know you always say “I love you” first even if I never say it back, I may not say “I love you” but always know that I always do.

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I know I caused you a whole lot of trouble during the days that we have been together and everything was pretty tough when it involved me, so I'm here writing you an apology and a thank you letter to all of us. 

Cheers to us, we did survived our nasty attitudes and our weird ones,conquered our craziness together and made a whole lot of difference during the tough days,

Now, I know I'm not the one to talk about these stuff,as unstable as I am you both really endured my awkward attitude and my cringe worthy days.


In this I encountered a lot of people, good people, bad people, fake ones, real ones,toxic ones and ofcourse the neutral ones. But I don't know if you felt it too but I felt a connection between us, call me crazy guys.

Now, I'm not talking about crazy like we were meant to be but more like crazy because I felt a spark to all of us which I thought only exist when lovers fall in love, but this time I felt the spark when I fell in love with all of you.

I may be this weird ass girl that you know but I reall am in love with all of us, much more than anyone could ever appreciate what we have been through and what you saw in me.


The maoy days, the kilig moments, the sad ones, the happy ones, the silly ones, the hungry days, the pulutan ones, the fucked up days, the red tide days, the protective days. The drunk days and the sober days.

I know we drained each others energy and sometimes ugot-tiis nlng tayo sa ugali nito kasi love natin sya eh, pero mga bes tang ina nasasaktan din ako but nothing could compare the days wherein we say, I don't even know why I'm friends with this loser.

I am really greatful and sorry that you met me, I know I may act stupid and immature sometimes but I really do care a lot and I really do give it all to you guys, you are legit my piece and my other side to begin with.


God knows where you've been and then the next thing you know he suddenly decided to collide our worlds and meet all of us, must be strange to meet eachothers odd little strings but I am very grateful.

Because without you guys I wouldn't have met such an amazing, stupid little creatures and real odd little fellas that would turn my world upside down with the real filters.

Thankyou.

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I see you in every past relationships you've been through


I see the reflection of you to every ex that I encounter


I see you in every past lovers you've been with


And when I face them


I see how you treated them


And


How they treated you


I see you in every person you interacted with


I see you in every thoughts you shared on social media


I see you in every videos you post


And


When I see your current lover


I see her in you


I see the guy


I want to be with


I see the guy I fell in love with


I see the unrequited deal in her


I see the guy whom I begged the heavens above


If they can't be together then send him to me


I see us as we make love


I see you in every eye contact


I see you as we made love, no care in the world


I see you and all I know is


I want to be with you


And


I Kept it to myself


Because


I can't lose you


Because


I see myself in you and I can't lose myself.


• excerpt from a lost memory #1

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A broken girl falls in love but she’s too afraid to take a risk and she’s too doubtful if she’s being played or if she’s taken seriously, she’s been cheated on, stepped on, used, left behind and the list goes on.

She can’t differentiate the real vs the fantasy, or if she’s dreaming that someone actually does like her. When a broken girl falls in love she falls to the pit and she finds it so hard to go back to where she started from and that is the hardest part, is when she wants to take a dive and be able to just love without any conscience that she’s gonna get hurt again, she just wants to be free.

She wants to take that dive but she’s too afraid that she’ll drown and she knew, she knew very much that no one would save her, no one would take a risk and save her from the sea.

She realized that she couldn’t love again like the way she used to love before, she couldn’t do that again. She just couldn’t. How many boys have hit her up, showed her some efforts but she couldn’t bring to believe them.

She just couldn’t take it. Everything about her was hard to believe, she couldn’t bring to believe in herself and she was dying from the pain every day, all she wanted was to love and be loved but the chains kept her from doing so, her pain fucked her up so bad.

| excerpt from a story I'll never write •

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To the one who will love me next

The day you will meet me will be the day you will see how independent I am, It will be the day wherein you’ll see how valuable I am to myself and when you see this I don’t want you to worry and be unconscious of yourself, I am not a high maintenance kind of girl I appreciate every effort you will give me whether big or small, I don’t care how small you have achieved in your life I will help you achieve it through thick and thin, I will build buildings and castles with you starting from scratch.

I aim to be good enough for myself and if the time comes I will also aim to be good enough for you. I ask of you to be calm when I change my mood at times I can be stupid and angry and at times I’d explode and take it all out on you, I’d bawl my eyes out and won’t accept any comfort I can be cold and harsh but please be patient with me, I can be jealous to the people around you but I won’t be that girl who will take it all on her own, I can take care of myself, I love myself a lot and yes, I am too independent but please when the time comes I will surrender myself to you and I will let you take care of me.

I will give half of myself to you since the other half of myself is for me to take care of. Prepare yourself for I act crazy and selfish at times I may be stupid on the small stuff and make it a very big deal but please understand, that is just the way I am.

I will write you a lot I will describe every little detail about you, every corners on your being every love and inspiration you give me, despite of my independent self I can fully pamper you and shower you with love. I’ll annoy you to death and you’ll explode how annoying I am but don’t get angry because it is my way of showing my love for you.

I overthink a lot and sometimes jump to conclusions and I’d get very sad about it, I’ll think every girl will see what I saw in you and I’ll get scared that someone might see all of the things that I adore about you and It will drive me mad. I may be independent but I have my flaws too, I get anxiety every day and panic attacks but please when this starts I want you to comfort me or give a reassurance that you are there and will always be with me, a hug can also help too.

I have insecurities on my face and body and will also think that you find every girl attractive because on how white their skin is and how beautiful they are, and whenever I point out my flaws do kiss my forehead for this is my what I hate most about my face. I’ll be with you through it all I will never leave you or cheat on you and when everything is rough I want you to share it with me and we will get it through together.

I may not be perfect at times but I can give you everything when you need it the most. I will make you the main character on my art pieces make you my world in every paper I can write you on, I will show every bit of pieces of me, apart from this please show your true intentions of me because I sometimes expect a lot that you’ll return the favor of having mutual intentions and if not please say it to me that you’re not staying long and you’ll soon be leaving because I attached myself to people sometimes and that’s what makes it so hard. And if you are worthy I’ll surrender myself to you whole heartedly and show you enough of what I am to be.

To the one who will love me next, I am not asking for much but please be patient with me.

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Depression is not cute, don’t even think about labeling yourself that you have one just because you think it’s cute and that everyone will pity you for it. No, it’s not cute it’s not amazing it’s not fantastic. Depression eats you up every day, it’s a struggle every day.

As soon as you wake up you feel like you wanna die because it just hits you so hard that you have to do another cycle where it actually exist and no one even sees it, only you. It feels like as soon as you wake up your energy is already drained just the thought of surviving the day. Praying to the Lord and hoping that it will go by fast, that the day will go by fast.

Just the thought of getting up leaving your bed already pains you to death because you just want to curl up and just forget the world for a while. But no, you are forced to get up and continue living and some would say “it’s just part of life” “everything will be okay” “Don’t be so weak!” “Everyone goes through it” “everyone has bigger problems than you”, But none of that helps, hearing that will just make it harder and self-pity will come and destroy you.

Depression just drains everything out from your entire system and it makes you the most useless human being on earth. It’s painful and excruciating, it feels like you are stuck in a loophole and the more you run and run but you just can’t reach that exit, the more it prolongs the agony.

It just knocks everything out from you. Like you are laughing having great time with your friends and just being happy and then the next second you are completely in a daze wanting to disappear, Like you are waiting in line waiting to order some food and then it just snaps and there you go thinking about why am I born, I want to disappear or die.

It is a painful process you have to go through it every day and not even Prozac could help it, not a person, a thing, an animal,not any medicines. None of that could help what we have to go through every day and no one seems to understand it and some just judge what you have been through, judge what you are and all what they see in you.

Depression crashes my self-being it is a cycle every day, it doesn’t go away, it doesn’t choose a time, it is not my fault that I am like this, and it cannot be controlled.

Sometimes you ask why I have to be born and to be in this situation that you don’t even know why your depressed, what was the reason, the why’s and the how and the when. Because I don’t remember it entirely, that maybe being born was my punishment that it is a long process to be healthy again both emotionally and spiritually.

Some of you would say that “she wants attention” “she’s an attention seeker” and all that stuff but you see when you feel this way everyday it just never go away, I am stuck in this state of mind and the game of struggles begins and I fall in deeper and deeper.

I am not looking for an attention, I don’t glamorize that I have a disorder I do not want this and if this feeling could be taken away then I would be willing to give this to you because I don’t want this. I never wanted this. It is painful and agonizing, it pains my family too but I can’t help it.

There are just some days when I just completely shut down and I don’t feel like going out of my room and eating and doing stuff, I just want to sleep for hours and hours and just contemplate, and some days would be terrible at night wherein I had to just give up on being tough and just cry my heart out because for most days I feel like I have been holding it up for too long and sometimes I am beginning to get numb from everything.

It’s not only depression but anxiety creeps in and eats everything inside of me, hating my body from head to toe is hard for me too. And you feel as though you’ll never be happy again, everyone will not understand you no matter how much they try and you destroy relationships and just back away just shutting everyone off, you are ashamed for everything, what you are, what you’ve done and what you will do next.

There are days when you want to be positive you see the positive side and you dwell for it for a while, you want to meet people and do productive things but you know deep down that it is short-lived and it won’t work out anyway.

You slowly become aware that there is a massive gap between you and your friends, family, cousins, and you see yourself different from all of them. In the end you just choose to shut down and be alone in your comfort zone.

The hardest part is that no one even notice it and being sensitive being over the line, all of that will just kill your insides. The low self-esteem that I have and the lack of purpose becomes unbearable and it kills me so much. I just can’t go on anymore.

You see, depression does not go on its own, instead it comes on its own, it is not healthy, some would rather deal just killing it off but I deal it by getting used to it every day and it hurts each and every day but I am already used to it. Tick by tick...

(courage I did, I am about to burst being judge by my scars literally.. and so here it goes. I am sorry for having a battling scars I am greatly ashamed by myself)

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I don't even know where to upload them since they I have been sitting in my gallery for far too long and looking at it makes me so hungry.

So I thought I should upload it here instead.

Brace yourselves for a bunch of mouth watering food.

(Above food are from kelsey's, located at pala.o Iligan city)

(D-dhons restau)

I didn't get the chance to take some photos of the main course because we were so hungry and he had to gulp the food in an instant!

The food was so good tho!

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Reaching from everyone’s perspective on what not

I don’t know where to start there’s just many things I want to say and just blurt everything here, when I was in the shower I thought a lot and decided to share it with you guys and I don’t know why now that I’m typing here I couldn’t say the words. I guess this is nonsense crap to rant to, so just leave me be because I’ve got a lot to talk about. I don’t know where this is heading I can’t even figure out where, I kind of contemplated a lot on what I should be doing with my life, I wasted so many years, a lot of years but the problem is I don’t know what I should be doing, what I want to be doing. I see people and I envy them because they know what they want, they are composed and know what they really do desire in life, I mean I know they’ve got struggles along the way but they just carry that up in a professional way.

I know you guys are gonna say that I should get over it but it’s not, for me it’s a hard decision because the thing that’s keeping me up on most part is that I don’t know what I want, I mean really want. I see things from a point of hazy greys and I thought it was there that I know what it is and then it’s not, you might think I’m losing my sanity but believe me I think the same too. So the crap I’m talking about is that I’ve got so many things that I planned on ahead but I can’t show them you know, it’s like I’m just capable of being limited not limitless or anything else, I’ve got so many talent that I want to actually convey but they are not within my reach.

I feel very very unsatisfied and kind of empty all these years and for most part it kind of drains the life out of me, I’m heading to a point where I could be in a tip of a glass and just break myself and just bleed myself to death because I hate this. There’s a lot of things and places I actually wanna do but it feels like I’m not capable of it and that I should stop here because I am not allowed to go any further.I actually have been planning to make things work and just be me you know, I want to do new things and not just be limited as what was stuck in my head throughout these past  years.

I want to just achieve that feeling that I don’t even know what it is, I know I’m ranting shit out but for most part this is big deal to me. Ranting this shit not even related to my blog is kind of destroying what’s in it. So I’m very sorry. I want to be everything in this world, I am small girl who is after the big stuff and I wanna figure out what is missing along the way, I need to figure that out. I’m unsatisfied and uninspired right now actually and I don’t see the point of going any further.

Hey, I’m not perfect. I’m also human just like you guys. I still feel shitty and unattached to myself as a whole. I’m sorry if some of you are waiting for my written works because lately I feel like everything is draining me and I’m always uninspired at the same time I want to do lots of things not only writing but also do some new things but I can’t actually do them because of some low-self-esteem and anxiety.

I know this will later on destroy the blog feels that I have in my blog and that my feelings of being unsatisfied will later destroy me because I posted this rant, I mean the contents in my blog are on point. I know sooner or later this blog will just fade away I mean this blog is just mostly shitty pieces that I made with myself it’s not the same as those blogs in the label of a “BLOGGER” mine is kind of different, altho at some point I did that blogger stuff but along the way it just made me realized that isn’t me. I have been brainwashed by expectations, I see people who has this different labels on their blog and it feels like mine is just crappy and dull and I know some of you don’t want that.

I’m finding something that would reach your expectations but that isn’t me, whether I post stuff that isn’t like OOTD and all that stuff, the content I need to post and what I have to do is basically getting me nowhere. And some of you are stating what I have to do to become a real “BLOGGER” I didn’t get anywhere to that, I actually tried that but it’s not what I want right now. For me I want my stuff to be kind of aesthetically pleasing to read and see arts that I posted. I’m not saying I’m not going to that point but what I’m trying to say is I want to stick to this, to my expectations altho I’m empty about it but instead I am now choosing the ones I want to live by.

I want to create a content that inspires me, that I am proud of and having fun making. And talking about this rant, this post. I’m removing my actual perspective in my blog because this is the kind of stuff I want you guys to see and appreciate, I want to show you what is real, It feels like posting the right things is my obligation to do so and it’s making me more anxious and I don’t want that. I want you to see the good and the ugly because it’s okay to have both. I feel like I’m so caught up in my blog with me being so overly perfect about it, always focusing on the right things.

I want to change this things because I don’t want to be caught up on what to post, I want you guys to see the real me who is also struggling a lot of things and I just want to let everything out on most days. This blog is my safe haven anyways, I finally got to talk to you guys to say these things after suppressing them for so long I wanted to let you know. Just incase you also need the push, to realize that it is okay to change what you don't like about yourself. Also, so that you all don't get confused by my future post. Etc.

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