Reaching from everyone’s perspective on what not
I don’t know where to start there’s just many things I want to say and just blurt everything here, when I was in the shower I thought a lot and decided to share it with you guys and I don’t know why now that I’m typing here I couldn’t say the words. I guess this is nonsense crap to rant to, so just leave me be because I’ve got a lot to talk about. I don’t know where this is heading I can’t even figure out where, I kind of contemplated a lot on what I should be doing with my life, I wasted so many years, a lot of years but the problem is I don’t know what I should be doing, what I want to be doing. I see people and I envy them because they know what they want, they are composed and know what they really do desire in life, I mean I know they’ve got struggles along the way but they just carry that up in a professional way.
I know you guys are gonna say that I should get over it but it’s not, for me it’s a hard decision because the thing that’s keeping me up on most part is that I don’t know what I want, I mean really want. I see things from a point of hazy greys and I thought it was there that I know what it is and then it’s not, you might think I’m losing my sanity but believe me I think the same too. So the crap I’m talking about is that I’ve got so many things that I planned on ahead but I can’t show them you know, it’s like I’m just capable of being limited not limitless or anything else, I’ve got so many talent that I want to actually convey but they are not within my reach.
I feel very very unsatisfied and kind of empty all these years and for most part it kind of drains the life out of me, I’m heading to a point where I could be in a tip of a glass and just break myself and just bleed myself to death because I hate this. There’s a lot of things and places I actually wanna do but it feels like I’m not capable of it and that I should stop here because I am not allowed to go any further.I actually have been planning to make things work and just be me you know, I want to do new things and not just be limited as what was stuck in my head throughout these past years.
I want to just achieve that feeling that I don’t even know what it is, I know I’m ranting shit out but for most part this is big deal to me. Ranting this shit not even related to my blog is kind of destroying what’s in it. So I’m very sorry. I want to be everything in this world, I am small girl who is after the big stuff and I wanna figure out what is missing along the way, I need to figure that out. I’m unsatisfied and uninspired right now actually and I don’t see the point of going any further.
Hey, I’m not perfect. I’m also human just like you guys. I still feel shitty and unattached to myself as a whole. I’m sorry if some of you are waiting for my written works because lately I feel like everything is draining me and I’m always uninspired at the same time I want to do lots of things not only writing but also do some new things but I can’t actually do them because of some low-self-esteem and anxiety.
I know this will later on destroy the blog feels that I have in my blog and that my feelings of being unsatisfied will later destroy me because I posted this rant, I mean the contents in my blog are on point. I know sooner or later this blog will just fade away I mean this blog is just mostly shitty pieces that I made with myself it’s not the same as those blogs in the label of a “BLOGGER” mine is kind of different, altho at some point I did that blogger stuff but along the way it just made me realized that isn’t me. I have been brainwashed by expectations, I see people who has this different labels on their blog and it feels like mine is just crappy and dull and I know some of you don’t want that.
I’m finding something that would reach your expectations but that isn’t me, whether I post stuff that isn’t like OOTD and all that stuff, the content I need to post and what I have to do is basically getting me nowhere. And some of you are stating what I have to do to become a real “BLOGGER” I didn’t get anywhere to that, I actually tried that but it’s not what I want right now. For me I want my stuff to be kind of aesthetically pleasing to read and see arts that I posted. I’m not saying I’m not going to that point but what I’m trying to say is I want to stick to this, to my expectations altho I’m empty about it but instead I am now choosing the ones I want to live by.
I want to create a content that inspires me, that I am proud of and having fun making. And talking about this rant, this post. I’m removing my actual perspective in my blog because this is the kind of stuff I want you guys to see and appreciate, I want to show you what is real, It feels like posting the right things is my obligation to do so and it’s making me more anxious and I don’t want that. I want you to see the good and the ugly because it’s okay to have both. I feel like I’m so caught up in my blog with me being so overly perfect about it, always focusing on the right things.
I want to change this things because I don’t want to be caught up on what to post, I want you guys to see the real me who is also struggling a lot of things and I just want to let everything out on most days. This blog is my safe haven anyways, I finally got to talk to you guys to say these things after suppressing them for so long I wanted to let you know. Just incase you also need the push, to realize that it is okay to change what you don't like about yourself. Also, so that you all don't get confused by my future post. Etc.