I slept yesterday with a half heart filled with emptiness and happiness, I guess its a way of saying that I fell asleep yesterday knowing I was not worth it, not worth to fight for and not worth to love for.

I woke up this morning with a heavy feeling of happiness and sadness, happiness because we walked together to the dark and sadness because we only exist in the dark

I fell asleep midway, knowing you don't even care about last night and that hug meant nothing to you with tears in my eyes I continue to fall asleep

I woke up at 3pm, the day was still going but the warm welcome of the afternoon sunlight reminds me that I was the only one thinking of you

You never thought of me have you? You only remember me when you need me. I figured that out easily, I'm not that dumb after all

But you completely knew that I will go through miles for you because this is how I am, one call and I'm there

I wanted to sleep its the only way to keep me distant from you, being awake can only lead me in looking for you and wanting to talk to you

It is not right to get attached and to love someone so much because they don't feel the same way and my heart will only shatter from knowing they don't feel the same love that I have for them

|| excerpt from an unrequited love

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a parallel universe they said, that we amount to a billion things that we did, the choices that we made, the questions that we feared, the risk that we did and in this we did.

in another universe we jump to courage, we held hands
not fearing the opinions of the others,
in another universe we took the risk, we love eachother,
in another universe we fight for what we wanted,
in another universe we did not end up together,
in another universe we are strangers,
in another universe we love secretly,
in another universe we both ended up with different people,
in another universe i died and you lived, you met someone else while I met you in afterlife

In another universe we make a perfect pair,
In another universe you showed me how worthy it is to live
In another universe we are just friends and because of this we lasted longer,
In another universe we made love like how the stars were formed
In another universe we had our whole life ahead of us
In another universe we never ended things
In another universe you and I are against the world
In another universe your love died and I continued loving you from afar
In another universe my love died and you continued loving me from afar

and in this universe to where I am right now, Iwished we ended up together, I wished we could say exactly how we feel, no fears, hesitations, judgments, nervousness, just love, flowing out of our mouths. I wish in this universe you fought the courage to tell me how you feel, to say all of it without regrets, I wish we end up together in this universe.

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When you look at me you think that I have my life together, because i dont express what I feel, I listen to everyones rants and just a chill person.

You must think that I must not have any care in the world or with my life too. But my demons are expecting  to be worn like a pin that you'd actually go missing without it, and people assume that if they cannot see it then it is not there, I'm talking about pain.

My pain, As if my pain does not exist, unless you are hospitalized or bleeding or injured or just dying, but sometimes the most painful demons are the ones you cannot even see.

So I learn how to smile, how to actually fake my shit together, how to not fall apart in every second, how to just pretend that you are okay because in reality nobody likes to talk about the tough things, truth be told I don't even like to talk about the tough stuff either.

I have anxiety, it feels like every cell in my body is moving so fast that my veins are shutting off that despite the consistent beat of my heart it becomes inconsistent in just a moment.

Its like listening to a drum that keeps on beating the only thing is the beats wont stop and it keeps on getting louder and louder and faster, like a static from a tv that won't stop and even if the tv is turned off that static is still there,

I don't even realize that my hands and feet are getting cold and I start to have a cold feet even though im not performing anything even though Im just sitting with my friends, and then I crack my knuckles so many times that I lost count of it,

my hands are not in the right place and It wont stop moving, I play with my rings and i keep on twisting it and it feels like im on the edge of dying, i hold on, realizing that Im between life and death,

im not gonna lose the reality that im standing here and im avoiding people I just want to be alone not because I hate them.but because im scared that i might lose myself and everyone will think that im not in the right mind,Im losing to function.

Im listening to you but my mind is battling inside and I cant keep up, one must have to stop and I choose my mind to stop, I choose to distant from you because Im on the verge of breaking down again and my palms are sweating I dont even know whats wrong because there is no reason why i am acting like this,

I somehow forgot to speak because my voice won't clear up and I dont know how to interact with you anymore, I stutter and stutter and because of this I break glasses within me, my anxiety feels like a fire thats about to burn the whole house down,

In turn, I become explainably hot and restless and frustrated, scared, shy, angry, sad, and so on, the emotions keeps on piling up, as I look into your eyes or anyones eyes i look at my reflection and when Im alone I stop and look at myself as if Im finding a solution as if I know how to stop this.

It feels like im walking and well, but on the inside Im burning at the same time drowning and overdosing it just stays there over and over again, Im moving faster than the clock and Im glad that im fast, yeah Im fast but Im dying.

All the time im overlapping the clock,what Im actually saying is, there is no solution to this fucking problem, there is no why, how, when, what, or where because the problem or even the reason does not even exist because in reality I am feeling all the emotions all at once, in that moment.

Other times is better than any days, some are worse. And there comes light but light is depression.

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When you speak of love, specks of rainbows and unicorns comes out of your mouth, it’s like heaven caving itself out of your lungs, it becomes a love that carries out emotions and disguises itself as tragedy in the end.

because when you speak of it, it comes out as a bad karma for some, others for good but for me, I don’t know which it is, maybe, maybe it’s the latter but I’m quite sure, poems comes out of my mouth, poems are not meant to be understood but it is meant to be felt as it is to be alive and yet again its complicated,

poems are not meant to understood but to understand its delivery to understand its words, it doesn’t make sense right? Because yet again it doesn’t have to make sense. And that is what comes out from my mouth when I speak of love.

It’s intimidating its dying at its finest. How wonderful it is to truly find someone who speaks of the same language and so is someone who doesn’t understand a single language you speak of, neither both, love is only felt not to be understood.

I also speak of war and guns and drugs, you name it, weed ,cocaine, meth, cigs,  you see love is quite addicting when all else fails you seek for those things that can destroy you, love has many faces, love from family, friends, God, neighbors, pets, all of those things can destroy you.
As you alter it, everything collapses including yourself and so you overdose in the end.

I speak of love as it is unhealthy to the well-being, as it destroys your individuality, love is beautiful but it can wilt any day, you have to find someone who is worth all of those things, who can hold your hand and say “I got you”
Finding someone who is well aware of those things is a reassurance to every self-doubt, who will build together with you and jump oceans with you, who will drown with you as you continue to fight those things that continuously ruin your life.

I don’t entirely know where I’m getting at but when I speak of love, dust and polluted air comes out from my mouth, toxicity at its finest, hell comes out of my mouth not heaven nor is paradise, rotten lies and hatred comes out, as you can see different people from my life destroyed me and I don’t know where they went, they must have been showering with gold and a shit ton of good karma and yet they continuously stab me with thousands of knife.

I dare speak of it a thousand times, I can only utter good karma from them but everything seems to be too much and so I speak of heavens including hell, sinners and saints, Good karmas and Bad karmas, violence and peace, drugs and rehab. I speak all of those things when I speak with love and that is how I feel when I worship you and love you.

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Every lover has its world on their own
Every lover has this massive spark that can't run out
Every lover share its memories together
Every lover keeps each other safe and sound
Every lover doesn't want to fall to someone else arms
Every lover gives me hope that love exist after all
Every lover that I adore makes me want to live fully
Every lovers love blooms perfectly

and that is what makes it so special because you see them grow and appreciate each other, you see them look at each other with fire in their eyes on how lucky and blessed they are to have one another.

And its not just a mere story to tell on how they met but its going to be a part of their lives from the moment they laid eyes on each other, their love just gives you a story so honest and raw that it makes you want to be a part of it, that you saw it with your own eyes, that its there and its real and that it exist.

There is no jealousy nor hatred that exist because all you want for them is their love to last and you hope, you hope, from the bottom of your heart that their love won't disappear,that they won't grow apart.

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what have I been doing the past months?

the trees are growing older day by day, years will pass by and I won't even know that they are slowly dying too.

the freedom seems to be so addicting that I somehow forgot goals to be achieved.

a straight road leading to the right one but instead I chose to go to the path of nowhere.

I cant go back anymore, I can't go back from the beginning, completely the starting point, I cant go back anymore.

from where should I go? from where should I start? I don't know where, I don't know how, I don't know when.

everything seems to be a blur, I just wanted to make things right from now on, the regrets that I made from my past never seems to leave me.

I keep forgiving it to make it all go away but it seems like a slap in the face that it will always be there, that I can't do anything about it.

past regrets haunts me till this day, making things right won't change anything, I'm still the same old dust that will never be a star.

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The night starts to echo, the world is asleep. The tick of the clock hurts as it starts to pass by within a long awaited silence.

The world starts to spin and Im drowning on a deep darkness, not an ounce of light that I can see and I'm laying here in my room, trying to get a hold of myself.

I am not alone in my room for my demons is here, and the silent murmurs echoes, its getting too long to stay here but I cant sleep no matter how hard I try to.

I dont know who I am anymore, one thing to define me is another thing to destroy me, the list is a never ending one, with no periods or any other things.

The long paper that said the words is keeping me into a strange feeling, I dont know if I can do this anymore, or any less having my feet getting back up on the ground.

People have already given up on me and there's no reason why I should stay here much longer. I dont even know if I'm still me or if I have become a monster again, or if I'm in between.

I try to be everything else in return, I try to be this sweet little pea that everyone adores but then this sweet little pea self destructs again, going back into a deeper relapse.

Turning herself into a monster again and she did not want to become that monster again, it was not her choice, she did not have a choice, she was doing so great at being so good but then it came back for her, the monster came back again.

And so today, I wish not to be alive, nor die. So today, I wish to disappear.

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And his words cut through deep into my soul, my heart ached as I hear those words coming out from his lips. And he was just another one who shattered me into pieces.

You are a cold heartless human being with the intention of playing my feelings and no good intention from the beginning to love me.

It was leaving me free from the cage that you once created within me that you let me revolve my world around you

That was your plan from the very beginning and I was at the palm of your hands, the day when you gaze at me, thats where it all started

From the different forms of love, comes the different forms of hate and that all came from you, I was not naive

I saw ahead of you, played hide and seek with our feelings, catching breaths in between, and making you fall from your very own game

You see, you either catch the lamb first before feeding it to the wolves and that's how I do it, I let you fall to your very own game and made you think that I lost but I actually won

You were too busy catching the lamb while I was busy creating an escape route, little did you know you were at the palm of my hand going round and round

Must be tiring being a lil goody two shoes with a two face personality, but sad to say this is how you die

You lose, its a dead end.

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I used to think what comes after us is not a happily ever after but rather pain and torture of our memories,

regretting of the time that we both wasted on each other. Our lips that kissed the wrong person,

that slid through every parts of our skin from the forehead to the neck to the collar bones to the chest to the soft breast, to the belly ring, in between our legs, upto the toes,

and how we feel guilt as we take a shower, how we touch a part of our skin and feel a disgusting feeling that you once loved that part of my body

and how it once belonged to yours. A dizziness of some sort because we felt the urge to see each other but cannot do so,

even if we still longed for each other but the toxicity is overwhelming to continue our relationship and so we cant.

Destructive relationship, that was us. We were just high of being together and it was not healthy anymore, our egos was racing,

we were more likely in a competition than loving each other, we hoped for the best but what we hope was for the worst.

we both know that not lust and love can save us, we just woke up one day and realized that we should have ended things than make it more time consuming of being together,

being together will just be a waste. We just could not do it anymore. Hopeless love, we found it in a hopeless place.

And then we just threw our relationship in the gutter and called it quits.

How we felt disgusted on what we have become, how we both know that were better off each other, that I will become better but not with you.

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I don't know where I am exactly heading in my life I haven't figured out that yet and it just baffles me on how I'm still here not moving and sometimes I feel like I'm moving but I dont know where I am.

everyone seems to know which way they are heading and where they are in their life while Im just here and that scares me.

it keeps me up at night and it got me thinking every single second and all I just want is to reach my goals and to achieve something that they could be proud of but its just too far away and too much at the same time.

Im not complaining Im just literally figuring where i am, what i am doing and how I see this things that others do not see nor feel and know.

sometimes I feel like I moved but that thing or path or goal was not for me that i have to let go. Im just too lost right now, everything is confusing, everyone is ahead of me and I cant keep up.

I know the saying that if its not the right time for you in that moment then time will come it will open doors and that will be the right time in the right place.

I guess that saying is just utter bullshit I mean why wait when you can open doors and if its not the right door then you can always open many doors and find new things.

that is what I am doing as of right now, but you see here, my emotions and mental state is just not okay, I dont even know what I want anymore and theres this things that I want and I have to do that and this and yet again it all seems so blurry.

Im lost again and I just want to let this go but the hunger of something tells me that I should not let it go because in the process I might find it.

you might say Im a lost cause, aren't we all? were all a lost cause others has just achieved what they were looking for and yet they seem so empty and I dont want that to happen to me that is why I crave for something I dont even know all these years.

I am a lost cause who is searching for the unknown.

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