All these years her heart is always ahead, her mistakes grows bigger without any breaks, she came to her destination but where is she? The nights where she spent walking as the cold air blowing through within her it’s as if it’s telling her that she can’t do it. The city lights that held no hope made her shudder with fear.

The nights used to be her bliss became her companion of sorrow. Every night the little writer was scared, she forgot what made her happy all these times, she forgot how to write in each sheet of paper, the words that used to eat her up every second, every minute, every hour was lost.

Each words that she wanted to use she couldn’t process it anymore it’s no longer reaching every soul that she wanted to reach. Her heart talks too much these days but today it was silent like it was fading away.

Her sin is a heart that speaks so loud that she can’t barely contain and it’s painful, the more she wants to decipher each words the more painful it becomes, this is her curse to write every pain every agony in this world, to reach everyone with words that they cannot let out but despite all of it.

The little writer never gave up needless to say she was happy as long as she was able to hold her pen and write the words that she wanted to convey but her emptiness was filled with these small dreams, to the point that she couldn’t breathe, the writings that she made, made her heart weak and the voice that can’t say what it wants to say are echoing back at her.

Her sorrows are wiped away, these days her every day is filled with the fear of tomorrow, the people who smiled by her side was worried that their little star has lost herself beyond the universe. her family and her friends who were happy for her more than anyone else was about to give up on her despite all of that she was still thankful for their care but suddenly it’s making her more sleepless, her mind wouldn’t let her sleep anymore.

The words were too much to bare and so she exploded with all her emotions being kept hidden. The little writer wanted to die with every pain she encountered, every heartbreak, every sadness, every love that faded in front her, every painful deaths of emotions that occurred in this cruel world ate her alive but despite all of it she continued on living even if she falls down even if she is still lost, she will keep walking and she will keep writing for you.

The little star wanted to fight beaming with rays of light called, hope.

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The road was narrow and the other side was pretty much a dead end, it was a river rather. Going straight pass to dozens of houses, wooden chairs were lined near the creek. I could say that the place was clean but despite the cleanliness it was painful to look at. The memories there, it was a painful one.

It began to get cold or was it him? I know he didn’t even know where to start or what he should say, he wasn’t ready much more or less he was confused. And I looked at him, his face was stone dead and expressionless, the silence was awkward.

And he began to say those words,

“I don’t love you anymore, I’m sure you already know.”

I fought for us, told him that we could make this work and all will be well again but I knew that it was too late, he already gave up and someone else was making him happy now.

I was crying beside him, everything hurt.

Then he continued without any remorse.

- excerpt from a memory I'll never write #2



And I hate to admit that I still miss you from time to time but it stops there, nothing else.

I hear your name and everything flows like a symphony that I’ve been searching for so long

I see your name on social media and my heart hurts from reading it, like a storm that’s been taken over and the damage that was left behind

I see your face as I close my eyes and I remember the happy moments that we did, all of it was wrecking into a peaceful love that everyone was jealous of

I smell your scent and made me think the first time that we met, the time stopped for the first time and it allowed me to bring back to that time, whenever, wherever your scent appears

Your glazing and addictive attitude I see in everyone that I encounter and wishing it was you whom I see infront of me

Your smile that could make every girl head over heels, that could make the gloomy day become a sunny and brighter one

Your humor that could lift my sadness away became my daily cravings, from morning till evening I search for your words

Every part of your dislikes that I see as beautiful as the diamonds and the treasure that has been found, all of your flaws is what I fell in love with

From head to toe you shine like every part of you is made of gold and pearls that can’t be found from this world except I’m the only one who can see it because you shine the most out of all the people that wants my attention

I miss every part of us, the places that we tainted, the memories of you exist in every places we’ve been through

Even when we’re apart I still think I could exist forever in your arms, the way that I love you still exist for eternity and I guess when you lose someone you love a part of you is taken and you still love them as life continues to move forward

I miss you from time to time but it stops there, nothing else.



I’m letting this love go because I am choosing myself, I cannot afford to lose myself in someone else

I’m letting you go because I value myself more, I can’t torture myself anymore from the failed relationship we had

I’m letting you go because I deserved the very best

I’m letting you go not because I don’t love you anymore but because I love myself more and the only way for me to be free is to let myself go from our memories

I’m letting you go so that I can be free from all of this storm that you have caused

I’m letting myself walk away because I deserve someone who will treat me right, not just an option but a priority

I’m letting myself be free from someone who cannot decide if they want me or just trying to waste time

I deserved someone who is sure to have me in their life, someone who wants me, someone who won’t make me feel like I’m a waste of space

I deserved someone who gives me the very best

I can’t allow myself to be stuck in the same clock with you, knowing I can’t move forward if I don’t love myself enough

This is the hardest thing to do but I know it’ll be worth it someday

I deserve the love that I’ve given to anyone and I’m sure as hell deserve more than the universe

Letting you go and myself go is breaking my heart when I know there wasn’t a proper closure to the both of us

But I need to let myself go and find myself again, my compass is not broken and I will find my way back

This is not easy for me and I am still hurting but you can’t avoid pain and pain demands to be felt but I am doing this for me

I need to walk away from everything, from our memories that lingers inside of me, I need to walk away from that always haunts me, I need to walk away from you, I need to find myself

We weren’t a perfect match, you weren’t sure if you wanted me but I was sure of us and the universe didn’t liked that

Our love didn’t last and I’m thankful for that but I can’t be your prisoner forever

This is the hardest part but I deserve so much better, there may be relapses along the way but I will manage to get back up because I deserve so much more than any pain you have given me

Letting you go and walking away is the hardest part but I won’t allow myself to be stuck here anymore and so I’m moving forward

It takes time but I know I will find myself again. I deserve someone and that someone is waiting for me, and so I am moving forward

Progress has to be made and that starts with me walking away from you



I couldn’t sleep again today, I tried to close my eyes but I kept on waking up. I prayed to God again when morning comes I’ll feel better, I’ll be okay. But as morning comes, disappointment and depression welcomes me

And an aching chest that I’ve been dealing with the past few days, and as always I didn’t want to get out of bed all I wanted was to try to put myself to sleep until night comes

But sleep no longer helps, it doesn’t cover up the wound in missing someone so much that all you want to do is to be in the arms of that person

But how could you wish for something that no longer exist? No matter how much you try. He is no longer there, not even the sheets could cure the ache

And so for searching another remedies to make you numb, you turn to alcohol. You take a shot to make everything numb or better yet to release the toxic feeling that has been bottling inside

You take another shot and another and again, but all you could say was his name on repeat and you wonder why, supposed to be you take another one to forget his name not your name when you first met him

And so you convinced yourself that you can’t forget his name but you forgot your own instead as alcohol over takes the system in your body. And you bawl your eyes out and your heart hurts so much that it felt like being torn to pieces

Your friends look at you with pity in their eyes wondering why you were suffering so much just for a guy, they frankly don’t understand that he gave me so much more than anyone could ever have

When I settled down and promised myself to move forward to my next journey, I met you in the midst of all the chaos in my life. I met you

You were the one who changed my perspective in my life when I felt that I was better off dead. Simply to say God sent you in the middle of love for myself and to life

When I was battling with life you were there to give me moral support, when I could cross that ocean and simply to be put to rest after, you were the one I forgot to breathe

When I wanted answers about what life takes me far ahead you were there giving me your hand and so I held yours like we could conquer the world

You gave every meaning of my soul, mind and heart much more to my life a purpose when all I wanted was to have a normal life in the middle of wanting to die, you were there

And now as alcohol has taken every system of my body I still wonder why I could feel so much when I mention your name when it’s supposed to make me numb and forget about you

Every shot I take is supposed to forget your touch and your face and to every memories we had but it had the audacity to let me feel everything I had with you

And my friends would know how much love I had built around you but you simply put me away with no hesitation, our love would have gotten far but you gave up.

Intoxicated with alcohol but still your memory remains, every traces of your being haunts me mostly every day Until I fall asleep but to my disappointment you became my insomnia.



The person that you've always talked to till morning until dawn is no longer available. And all you want is to see their name appear on your phone or maybe waiting for their chathead to appear with or without expecting it, No matter how much you miss or want that person back it is always gonna be up to them if they want to talk to you then they would.

Missing that person sucks but you have to endure it until the day ends, there are times when you are still up until 5am because you just cant fall asleep no matter how much you try, the toss and turns from left to right is not helping you and all you could do is open up the messenger,viber,or even stalking them to their fb page much more to the extent of their twitter but no sign of them hitting you up.

And you'll see that they were active the minute before or even active now and until then your heart is going to break when you see that they haven't spoken to you in a while, they seem to be slowly disappearing from your life.

And you sit there and contemplate what you did wrong for them to treat you that way and tears start to fall and you start to breathe heavily and your heart is palpitating, you've been thinking about him for so long and you missed him so much but he seems to be just fine without you.

There are days when you know his not active and you wait till dawn because you know his not yet sleeping or maybe he just got home from hanging out with his friends and so you wait till he comes back because he always does that.

And maybe you fell asleep just a little while waiting for him to be active and maybe as you fall asleep you expect just a little that when you wake up he sends you a message but to your dismay there's none.

5am and you start to open his chathead but you couldn't send him a message because you'd know he will leave it on read anyway but even if he did you'd still send him a message because that's how much you care that you'll always be there even if he seems to be doing just fine.

All you could think of is to be with that person again, to feel his arms around you, to hear his voice, to see his smile,to touch his hands,to hear him laugh,to kiss him,to hug him,just to be with him.

But time won't allow and you're stuck with the memories, the cruel flashbacks and the craving of presence, everything hurts but you just bear with it day by day. Everything is no longer keeping you sane but you deal with it anyway.

But honey, It's not your fault. You filled up all the possibilities to be there for him, don't blame yourself for your lack of love because you have given so much of yourself already. And that's enough even if it wasn't enough to him.



Tanga ka at gago siya.

Gising ka na?
Sa katotohanan
Di pa?
Tanga ka talaga.
Ba't ka naghahabol sa gago?
Ah, dahil mahal mo?
Eh ikaw? Mahal ka ba?
Past na yun,di ka na mahal ngayun
Ganyan naman talaga pag mahal mo eh, masakit.
Kahit alam mo ginagago ka na paulit ulit,hinahabol mo pa rin sya.

Kahit alam mo sasaktan ka pa rin nya sa bandang huli , go ka pa rin ng go. Dahil mahal mo,pero kahit nalaman mo na,kahit na sa harapan mo na,masakit pa rin diba? Kahit nag handa ka sa mangyari, nasaktan ka pa rin.

Eh yung gago? Alam nya ang kanyang ginawa dahil tanga ka,alam nya kung ano ang gagawin nya para maging tanga ka pa rin sa kanya dahil alam nya na mahal na mahal mo sya,kaya ka nga nya pinaglaruan.

Oo mahal ka nya dati. Dati na yun di na ngayun, matagal na nag laho ang pag ibig nya sayo. Iba na ang gusto nya ngayun. Napaka bilis no? Di mo matanggap. Kahit gaano ka bigat di mo matanggap. Kahit araw araw ka ng umiiyak di mo pa rin tanggap,kasi mahal mo,kahit alam mo na nga na ginagago ka,go ka pa rin sa kanya kasi di mo kaya mawala sya sayo.

matagal na sya wala sayo di mo lang matanggap.Tanga ka kasi iniwan mo na nga ang sarili mo dahil hinahabol mo sya, di ka na nya babalikan.kaya wag ka ng maghintay at maghabol sa kanya.

Gago yun di yun makagising sa realidad na may nagmamahal sa kanya na patunay,na kaya syang ipaglaban,na kahit anong problema pa ang hahadlang di mo sya iiwan,na kaya mo syang mahalin kahit anong klaseng tao pa sya.

Pero gago sya di nya nakikita kung ano ang na sa harapan nya. Di yun mataohan. Tanga ka pa rin ba? Tiisin mo dahil alam mo kung ano ang pinasukan mo,nagmahal ka lang natural masasaktan ka din.

kahit i daan mo pa sa alak, yosi,iyak,sigaw at ibp.kahit ano pa yan, nandyan pa rin ang sakit. Kasi nagmahal ang tanga ng tunay. Kaso lang gago ang minahal mo.

Bagay naman pala kayo, tanga ka at gago sya. Wag mo ng pilitin ang ayaw,sya naman ang may nawalan hindi ikaw. Dahil nagmahal ka ng patunay at di nya makikita yun sa iba.

Oo, ba ka may dumating na may nagmamahal din sa kanya at mahal din nya pero walang makaka palit sa pagmamahal mo na pa tapat at tunay sa kanya, Bilib ako sayo eh,napaka tanga mo.

Hayaan mo darating ang araw na matauhan ka rin, husto na, itigil mo na dahil di nya pa rin malalaman ang tunay mo nadarama sa kanya. Gago sya diba? At tanga ka kaso matauhan ka rin sa bandang huli at may nawala sa kanya na tao na napaka halagang mahalin.

Kung baga bes, "its his loss and you won"

Tanga ka at gago sya.



They say taking a risk could lead you to another path, but taking a risk could also lead you to a thorn path and empty promises.

Getting attached to some and assuming every single detail that they had shown you can be the worst thing that could happen.

False love and false hope can mentally destroy you at the end.

Everyone’s too afraid to stay in love and everyone’s too busy to not love.

Assuming for the worst but hoping for the best,

Fighting to stay and fighting to let go,

Holding to what’s keeping you together and holding on to what’s keeping you apart,

Drowning yourself with self-doubt and drowning yourself with a two-faced assurance,

No secure love, as to no assurance to what it takes to love you.

Keeping both sides to understand each other but it could also mentally destroy both ways.

Feeding with love while feeling with hate.

And I guess everyone is too fucked up to take the risk.

But should I take the risk with you?



Zero as what started everything between us. Not a negative or a positive zero but just plain zero. I can clearly remember how we met, we started as mutual friends, I grew fond of you without telling you and we made plans to hang out with each other, just us two. But that never happened and one day out of the blue we met at some place, you asked me to go along with you since you’ll be meeting with your friends and introducing me to them wouldn’t give any assumptions but then it did, they teased us if we were together and you held my hand without any doubt and everyone started going insane that we were a perfect one as they say and I thought we were until months passed by you left me, only I was left hanging.

I kept everything between us, the holding hands at midnight, the cold rides at the highway, the 12 midnight kiss in the middle of the street, the going to the store to buy liquor, the laughing with your friends and the grabbing my waist suddenly, going to places we’ve never been before, stolen shots of you, of us, the cuddles because it was too cold, stealing your cap suddenly and wearing them, touching your long nose and squeezing them, making fun of people, the out of town plans,the conversations until 3am,everything about us that we did

All of that was going so damn well until you disappeared out of the blue. I thought we were going to make it but you left me hanging, you left me in the streets all alone, I could not even utter a single word you left me speechless by what you did and I guess I was the one to blame for believing all of those stupid things that made me whole. I tried leaving you, believe me, I really did. Went to places that didn’t exist of us, I smelled your cologne everywhere and it stings memories of us, I had no choice but to swallow what was left of us. And I did all I could to forget you but everything shattered only to know that you left me for someone else and I could not help but think that I wasn’t enough, big fucking deal that I wasn’t enough to make you happy

There were so many questions left unanswered that I want you to fill it up and I grew the courage to say it to your face but only I was left with a disappearing act. Funny how love works one minute you love each other to death creating endless memories the next minute the love is dead and gone including the memories that were made along the way. Funny how it happened to us

Your ghost followed me for months, cried myself to sleep for months, because you see, you completely knew me, my fears, my happiness, my soul, my mind, my depressive state, how fucked up I was, how scared I was to everything and you were always there to secure me that everything is going to be alright that I have you. You knew everything that I was and you knew very well that I badly needed you and you shattered all of that. I was smashed to pieces I was tearing up, I broke my walls for you including my state of mind, I broke my rules for you and all along I was wrong. And one day, just one day you called, saying how sorry you were but the thing is I never resented you instead I resented myself for being a fucked up who blew herself because of you

You showed me that no matter how fucked up this world can be, someone out there could treat you right with respect, that someone will hold your hand and say you got me, someone could lift you up and give you an assurance, someone could be the light that I was trapped in, someone could give you an amount of happiness and be the result of everything that happened. And now you’re gone and I’m back to zero,zero love, zero to negative emotions.



And we both deserved better. We both knew that deep inside, it was just we couldn’t bring that up. maybe because we were scared of losing each other. One day I took the courage to end everything with you but I was really scared on doing it, just saying the words that we should stop this silly thing that we both have. Maybe just maybe we would end up together someday but not now, no matter how much we try to make things work, it just wouldn’t. Fuck up situations will just step between us and make everything stop, I just couldn’t do it and I know you want to take every chance and maybe just by believing, it will turn out to be okay but what’s the use if the other one will not fight with you. It’s that I knew from the start that we obviously deserved better, better chances, better life, better love, better someone else.

It’s obviously my fault how deep it got and I made you fall for more intentions and in the end I was the one who couldn’t do it, who couldn’t keep promises and who let go. But I did it for the better, I know I will regret it later on but I did it for us. Because you see, we both deserved an amount fair of chances in life, an amount fair in taking things slow, an amount fair at happiness, an amount fair in taking things forward for our future, to figure out what we want, what we need. I already saw from the start on where we were heading and I tried to shake the thought off, I really did. But it kept chasing and chasing me, until I held it without a doubt and accepted it. But we both know we really need this, just to figure things out in our life but most of all, you need to figure out yours.

Baby you don’t need me, You need yourself. I’m letting go because I can’t fix you and I can’t fix myself either, I’m doing this because I know only you can fix yourself and I’m not the remedy, no one is. You might think by doing this is the wrong way but trust me, this is really the only way.  You have your situations that is in need of fixing and letting go, vices that needs to be fixed too. You figure yourself out while I find my way and fix everything about myself.

Our time together was short but I really did cherished every little memories we have, this doesn’t mean I am letting go on what we had it’s just that we both need some time to figure things out and make things work on ourselves and in each other’s mistakes that we need to correct. I want you to find out if we were strong enough, I want you to realize if this is just some sort of a play to you or you really want to make things work for both of us not just because you feel the need to want me and the desire to feel this thing called “love” because this is not a fair game that only you could do.

Baby, I deserved to be filled with consistency knowing how much we argue and hurt each other knowing that you’ll come back from it because you know that we still deserve each other, that we both deserved a chance to be in paradise or in hell because we both deserved to be with each other. To be together. We deserved everything in every emotions, the greater good and the deepest hell of emotions. And I want you to figure yourself out, if this is just a madness of yours or because you need this for your selfish desires.

And I’m not doing this because I wanted to, I’m doing this because I have to, I will still be by your side and support you in everything that you do, I mean I am your shitty princess after all and as you always say. Always remember that I adore the fuck out of you and will be there as you call me. Let’s find ourselves first and then maybe find each other by then. I know you always say “I love you” first even if I never say it back, I may not say “I love you” but always know that I always do.