When you look at me you think that I have my life together, because i dont express what I feel, I listen to everyones rants and just a chill person.
You must think that I must not have any care in the world or with my life too. But my demons are expecting to be worn like a pin that you'd actually go missing without it, and people assume that if they cannot see it then it is not there, I'm talking about pain.
My pain, As if my pain does not exist, unless you are hospitalized or bleeding or injured or just dying, but sometimes the most painful demons are the ones you cannot even see.
So I learn how to smile, how to actually fake my shit together, how to not fall apart in every second, how to just pretend that you are okay because in reality nobody likes to talk about the tough things, truth be told I don't even like to talk about the tough stuff either.
I have anxiety, it feels like every cell in my body is moving so fast that my veins are shutting off that despite the consistent beat of my heart it becomes inconsistent in just a moment.
Its like listening to a drum that keeps on beating the only thing is the beats wont stop and it keeps on getting louder and louder and faster, like a static from a tv that won't stop and even if the tv is turned off that static is still there,
I don't even realize that my hands and feet are getting cold and I start to have a cold feet even though im not performing anything even though Im just sitting with my friends, and then I crack my knuckles so many times that I lost count of it,
my hands are not in the right place and It wont stop moving, I play with my rings and i keep on twisting it and it feels like im on the edge of dying, i hold on, realizing that Im between life and death,
im not gonna lose the reality that im standing here and im avoiding people I just want to be alone not because I hate them.but because im scared that i might lose myself and everyone will think that im not in the right mind,Im losing to function.
Im listening to you but my mind is battling inside and I cant keep up, one must have to stop and I choose my mind to stop, I choose to distant from you because Im on the verge of breaking down again and my palms are sweating I dont even know whats wrong because there is no reason why i am acting like this,
I somehow forgot to speak because my voice won't clear up and I dont know how to interact with you anymore, I stutter and stutter and because of this I break glasses within me, my anxiety feels like a fire thats about to burn the whole house down,
In turn, I become explainably hot and restless and frustrated, scared, shy, angry, sad, and so on, the emotions keeps on piling up, as I look into your eyes or anyones eyes i look at my reflection and when Im alone I stop and look at myself as if Im finding a solution as if I know how to stop this.
It feels like im walking and well, but on the inside Im burning at the same time drowning and overdosing it just stays there over and over again, Im moving faster than the clock and Im glad that im fast, yeah Im fast but Im dying.
All the time im overlapping the clock,what Im actually saying is, there is no solution to this fucking problem, there is no why, how, when, what, or where because the problem or even the reason does not even exist because in reality I am feeling all the emotions all at once, in that moment.
Other times is better than any days, some are worse. And there comes light but light is depression.