So I will just write this one in english.
I failed the GMAT last week, not just a small fail, I failed brutally. Never have I ever in my whole entire life failed at an exam. I have always been top of my class. My averge score for my bachelors is good, and at Saint Mary's I got 5 straight A's. So aiming for a GMAT score of 650 and end up getting a low 360, it totally destroyed me.
But I am not giving up. I quitted my job last week and have been laying in bed for the last couple of days, I am depressed. But I am re-taking the exam in August 29, and if I fail then I will not be allowed to do the QTEM exchange. And then what? Well if I pass the exam, good for me and I am finishing my masters at Hanken + the QTEM exchange. And if I fail? Well then I am probably dropping out from Hanken. (will still do the student association job until about January) and then? Well ever since I got home from Canada, I am thinking about the life I had there, every single day. I am going back, one way or another, I want to do a masters in Canada, and to get accepted you have to have a GMAT score about 500-600, and a minimum of two years work experince. So why take a masters here, then work for two years and then take another masters? If I fail the exam, I will work abroad for minimum 2 years and then apply for schools (and during the time, get the GMAT score that is required). It all depends on how this other GMAT exam goes. But one way or another it will all work out.
So why do I have to get away from here? When I was still in Canada I had this countdown on my phone, and every single day I was sad that the time was running out. (still happy though over beeing there) I lived a wonderful life there. I had a lot of friends, I enjoyed school (never skipped a single class!) and I loved the culture and the Uni-life with cross-country. One of my strongest memories was when we were at the xc-championships, and before the competition they played the Canadian national anthem, and the Canadians were all so proud of beeing Canadians, and I was soo jealous. I remember thinking about why am I not born here? I want to be a part of this. Another strong memorie is when I was sitting in the plane at Toronto airport before takeoff, crying, because I had to come home to Finland.
When I got home I was alone. Most of my close friends lived abroad, and others were busy. To escape from all of this, I took on a lot of classes, and went to a lot of events. I remember this stress started around February, when me and a friend went to a annual ball. I felt out of control, and so has everything continued until this GMAT exam day. Before this exam I worked 8 ½ hours a day and then studied for about 6-8 hours and slept for like 5 hours, for about 3 weeks. That I failed the GMAT brutally was no wonder, I have destroyed myself, my brain did not work anymore.
The first days after the exam I slept for about 15h/day. Sunday was the first day I felt kind of "normal". I am now taking a couple of days off and then I will focus 100% on the GMAT, and then we will see how my future turns out. But I am going abroad, that's for sure. Why? Because ever since I got home, I am not happy anymore, the food does not taste, colours are grey, music doesn't sound the same, and I feel no happiness in anything I do. I used to love sports, but for now I just force myself to do it, I don't enjoy it like I used to. School used to be important for me, now I just don't care. Thinking about the fall makes me tired. (part of the reason is that last fall was amazing, and I am sad that I can't re-live it again). But I have to take small steps every day and look forward, and I want to move aborad to start over. Finland is the place where I am born, but it will not be were I will live for the rest of my life. Call me naive, but I will try to find my happiness somewhere else in the world.