The year I focus on myself and my dreams and goals!

I have said it so many times before but I always seem to jump in that ocean of love over a boy. Falling so easily and getting all caught up in the problems where my need for solving others problems and wanting to help the world kicks in, and oh I lost myself again..

But not this year. This will be an all casual year, in regards to boys and dating.

I am devoting this year to myself, listening to the universe, meditating, doing yoga, dancing, doing things I love, adventures, good food and more.

Ended last year by dropping a few very heavy rocks that has weighed me down for the past 6-7 months, so that I got a fresh new start of 2018!


"The only thing I´m committed to right now, is bettering myself"

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När den där bubblande känslan tar över hela magpartiet, från nedre delen av magen upp till svaljet och sen ner igen.

Själsfränder finns inte bara av det motsatta könet, dom finns runt om oss, lite överallt och dom är alla dom som får dom där bubblorna att bubbla upp som varma små fjärilar i magen och bara skrika -JAA JAA JAA. Till allt denna underbara energi tycker och tänker, när man känner sig varm av igenkänning och man ÄNTLIGEN känner sig förstådd, på riktigt...

Själsfränder, ja dom finns lite överallt, men dom är få. Det är få förunnat att finna dom där ovärderliga varelserna som bara får en att känna att man hör hemma på jorden, att man inte är totalt missuppfattat och missförstådd. När man känner att, vi två är dom enda som fattar något i hela universum och allt annat är bara en grå dimma som är för tjock för att ens orka försöka sig ta sig igenom.

Dom som bara förstår allt man säger, utan att man ens säger något.

När det säger "klick" vid första mötet, klick som när två magneter möts med rätt sida mot varandra.

Det är dom man ska ta mest till vara på, vårda och ömma för.

Själsfränder är det mest fantastiska som universum skapat åt oss små varelser.

Själsfränder är det bubbligaste som finns.

När själen hittar hem...


"My dear, our souls met long before our eyes did."

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Allt är så förvridet, kan jag verkligen tolkat allt så fel? Går igenom allt om och om igen i huvet men får ingen rätsida på det! Det kan inte vara en misstolkning, det är han som utnyttjat situationen.

Det är han som sagt och gjort allt för att få mig att tro och hoppas, allt för att få mig att fastna och längta, till längtan är över och han sliter loss mig utan förvarning, utan förklaring.. Jag är så arg på honom att jag vill slå sönder väggar men samtidigt kan jag inte vara arg på honom för jag är så kär och vill bara vara hos honom. Eller är jag det? Är det verkligen honom jag är kär i, eller är det kärleken? Jag ville så gärna att det här skulle vara det stora "det" och allt pekade på att det kunde vara det, alla runtomkring hejade och tyckte sig alltid ha sett det, så då måste det vara så? Eller hur? Många onda aningar i magen om att det kanske inte var så, men dom har jag bara skjutit undan för alla säger åt mig att jag är rädd för att satsa, rädd för att vara lycklig.

Rädd för att vara lycklig? Rädd för att bli sårad och vara olycklig snarare, rädd för att ge hela mig själv och inte få tillbaka.. Det är inte jag som gjort fel i att hoppas och vilja, det är han som har gett mig falska förhoppningar. Han som är för feg för att satsa och våga vara lycklig.

Men innerst inne vet han kanske också att vi inte är bra för varandra... För det är inte honom jag är kär i, utan min version av honom. Den han jag vill se, men det är inte den jag fått, det är inte den jag känt.

Jag tycker mig ge av hela mig, men vet inte om det är sant? Jag tycker mig vara så öppen och ärlig och sårbar, men är jag det eller väljer jag att inte visa det jag egentligen borde? Satsar och vågar jag verkligen? Jag vet inte...

Det kunde blivit så bra, om vi båda bara slog sönder alla murar och vågade.


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So this is what it feels like, huh?

Hopeless romantic

Locking for it in the most odd places

Traveled the globe in search for it

Turning rocks

Flipping pages

Wishing

Hoping

Dreaming

Almost lost faith in it

LOVE

And were do I find it

Right back were I started

And it´s one for the books

First chapter is written

Can´t wait for the rest

Everything I have ever done has brought me here

To this moment in time

Where my insides sparkle like fairydust

My heart is pounding like a drum in a rockband

My head is spinning like a spiral

If this is what I have been waiting all my life for

Then it was definitely worth the wait..


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Been a heck of a second semester for me. Don´t know if it´s because I miss home, my family and friends, or because school is so tough and professors are just awful and condescendant, or my mental illness and the fact that my soul always want´s to go where it isn´t, or because of a boy.... Or probably all combine...

I used to have a dream (among tons of other dreams), a dream to live in LA. That dream has now been reality for a while, and that dream is not at all what I dream of. Sure it´s all fun and games some of the time, but there are so many things with this city, this country and the people that not only disgust me, but kind of scares the hell out of me (and not in the good way, where you are supposed to fight your fears). I often question and worry about where the world is going, and it becomes pretty god damn clear when you are in the middle of all that is shallow that most people think of themselves only. This is not where I want to be...

When I fall out of place or worry to much, when anxiety takes over, listening to good old music helps me fall a little back in place again. Today it´s "TRUE COLORS".

You with the sad eyes
Don't be discouraged
Oh I realize
Its hard to take courage
In a world full of people
You can lose sight of it all
And the darkness inside you
Can make you feel so small

But I see your true colors
Shining through
I see your true colors
And that's why I love you
So don't be afraid to let them show
Your true colors
True colors are beautiful
Like a rainbow

Show me a smile then
Don't be unhappy, can't remember
When I last saw you laughing
If this world makes you crazy
And you've taken all you can bear
You call me up
Because you know I'll be there

And I'll see your true colors
Shining through
I see your true colors
And that's why I love you
So don't be afraid to let them show
Your true colors
True colors are beautiful
Like a rainbow

If this world makes you crazy
And you've taken all you can bear
You call me up
Because you know I'll be there

And I'll see your true colors
Shining through
I see your true colors
And that's why I love you
So don't be afraid to let them show

Your true colors
True colors
True colors
Shining through

I see your true colors
And that's why I love you
So don't be afraid to let them show
Your true colors
True colors are beautiful
Like a rainbow

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It´s okay to just LaLa around when you live in La La Land right?

Not that that´s what I´m doing, at least not most of the time.


Wandering the crowded streets with love music in my ears

Blocking all outer noise from coming in

Smiling as I go

Smiling for no reason

Smiling out of love

Smiling from joy

Smiling as my heart skips a couple beats thinking of him

and then reality hits

it never last very long

but I can live off of that feeling for a while

that feeling that is new to me

it reminds me of something

something I have dreamed of

only dreamed of

is this a dream?

or is it real?



"You are the first and the last thing on my mind each day"

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why does everyone hate Mondays? If you go to snapchat for example and you wanna ad a "happy Monday" emoji, good luck. All their is are sad, coffee drinking, sleepy face emojis and " I hate Mondays". why?

I LOVE MONDAYS!

New week, new start. I have always loved Mondays, I feel free and it´s a fresh start to what is going to be the rest of your life.

I love the rain too, and fall is my favourite season. I just love how the temperature drops a few and you can finally breath again, when all the leaves on the trees turn into a firework of color´s and then fall to the ground for you to kick around. I love how the candle season comes alive and drinking tea while binching my favourite shows. I love how you can just take a walk in the forest and find tons of mushrooms. And you start the countdown to the most wonderful time of the year- Christmas.

The countdown has begun and there are so many more things that just Christmas I long for now, and all of them are at home in Gävle!

"We learn what LOVE really is in the absence of it"

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Being human is just so hard and complicated pretty much most of the time.

Thoughts! Feelings! Emotions!

What are they really?

There are so many emotions floating around inside and how can you really ever separate them?

And if you can´t even figure out what and how you feel how can you know what someone else feel?

And what if they tell you one thing then act another or what if even their words contradict each other?

If he calls you just to talk, does that mean he misse you? Or is he just bored?

But what if he says he misses you, but then brush it off with something like "but like a friend".

Is he scared? Uncertain? Is he playing a game? Or does he simply just wanna be friends again?

I mean things happened, can you actually just go back to "normal" from that?

What if the gut tells you one thing and your head another, which one should you trust, if either?

How can you ever really know?

Then when you think you got it all figured out, the thoughts pop up, confusing you a little more..


"Too busy feeling feelings and everything around them"


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I don´t know if I should call Los Angeles my first or my second home now? When I go back to Sweden, am I going home or leaving home? And when I go back to LA, am I coming home?

What is a home anyway? Is it where you were brought up, where you have most of your family and friends, where all your things are, or is it a feeling?

Anyway.. I have been back in LA now for almost 3 weeks and it feel great. Absolutely love to be here and to have everything (literally everything) and anything happen just outside your doorstep.


Last semester was a bit hectic and I had a really hard time not to spend my money so promised myself I would do better this time.

And I am!

For starters my roommate and I go grocery shopping once a week at "food 4 less" (which actually is a lot more food for less) and we eat most meals at home.

And right now I am trying out pretty much any kind om gym, yoga studio, crossfit place etc that there is. See most places have a free tryout, some have a week, some 5 days, some 1 day or 1 class for free so just trying it all out til I run out, then I´ll decide if I or where to sign up or if I just wanna go hiking at all the beautiful trails around the corner (Runyon canyon, Griffith park) or use a different e-mail and try all the places again.. shh


"Dream as if you´ll live forever. Live as if you´ll die today" - James Dean

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it is both a blessing and a curse to feel everything so very deeply.

How is it that some people live without any sort of anxiety or feelings for that matter when that is all I am? My entire being is anxiety, all of me and then some. Can´t even deal with myself half the time and it feels like it is eating me alive.

This constant overthinking and worrying about things I have said or done, worrying what people think of me while I also couldn´t care less. It is all so bipolar and contradicting.

Someone asked me when it all started and what triggered it? But I can´t seem to remember, I think I have always been like this, or maybe not but then how come I can´t remember it.

I so wish that people could see and feel what I feel every hour of every day, it is so frustrating trying to explain to people about the virus that is eating me up on the inside.

If I could live one day without feeling a thing, bet that feeling would be the best feeling!

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