Been a heck of a second semester for me. Don´t know if it´s because I miss home, my family and friends, or because school is so tough and professors are just awful and condescendant, or my mental illness and the fact that my soul always want´s to go where it isn´t, or because of a boy.... Or probably all combine...

I used to have a dream (among tons of other dreams), a dream to live in LA. That dream has now been reality for a while, and that dream is not at all what I dream of. Sure it´s all fun and games some of the time, but there are so many things with this city, this country and the people that not only disgust me, but kind of scares the hell out of me (and not in the good way, where you are supposed to fight your fears). I often question and worry about where the world is going, and it becomes pretty god damn clear when you are in the middle of all that is shallow that most people think of themselves only. This is not where I want to be...

When I fall out of place or worry to much, when anxiety takes over, listening to good old music helps me fall a little back in place again. Today it´s "TRUE COLORS".

You with the sad eyes
Don't be discouraged
Oh I realize
Its hard to take courage
In a world full of people
You can lose sight of it all
And the darkness inside you
Can make you feel so small

But I see your true colors
Shining through
I see your true colors
And that's why I love you
So don't be afraid to let them show
Your true colors
True colors are beautiful
Like a rainbow

Show me a smile then
Don't be unhappy, can't remember
When I last saw you laughing
If this world makes you crazy
And you've taken all you can bear
You call me up
Because you know I'll be there

And I'll see your true colors
Shining through
I see your true colors
And that's why I love you
So don't be afraid to let them show
Your true colors
True colors are beautiful
Like a rainbow

If this world makes you crazy
And you've taken all you can bear
You call me up
Because you know I'll be there

And I'll see your true colors
Shining through
I see your true colors
And that's why I love you
So don't be afraid to let them show

Your true colors
True colors
True colors
Shining through

I see your true colors
And that's why I love you
So don't be afraid to let them show
Your true colors
True colors are beautiful
Like a rainbow

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It´s okay to just LaLa around when you live in La La Land right?

Not that that´s what I´m doing, at least not most of the time.


Wandering the crowded streets with love music in my ears

Blocking all outer noise from coming in

Smiling as I go

Smiling for no reason

Smiling out of love

Smiling from joy

Smiling as my heart skips a couple beats thinking of him

and then reality hits

it never last very long

but I can live off of that feeling for a while

that feeling that is new to me

it reminds me of something

something I have dreamed of

only dreamed of

is this a dream?

or is it real?



"You are the first and the last thing on my mind each day"

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why does everyone hate Mondays? If you go to snapchat for example and you wanna ad a "happy Monday" emoji, good luck. All their is are sad, coffee drinking, sleepy face emojis and " I hate Mondays". why?

I LOVE MONDAYS!

New week, new start. I have always loved Mondays, I feel free and it´s a fresh start to what is going to be the rest of your life.

I love the rain too, and fall is my favourite season. I just love how the temperature drops a few and you can finally breath again, when all the leaves on the trees turn into a firework of color´s and then fall to the ground for you to kick around. I love how the candle season comes alive and drinking tea while binching my favourite shows. I love how you can just take a walk in the forest and find tons of mushrooms. And you start the countdown to the most wonderful time of the year- Christmas.

The countdown has begun and there are so many more things that just Christmas I long for now, and all of them are at home in Gävle!

"We learn what LOVE really is in the absence of it"

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Being human is just so hard and complicated pretty much most of the time.

Thoughts! Feelings! Emotions!

What are they really?

There are so many emotions floating around inside and how can you really ever separate them?

And if you can´t even figure out what and how you feel how can you know what someone else feel?

And what if they tell you one thing then act another or what if even their words contradict each other?

If he calls you just to talk, does that mean he misse you? Or is he just bored?

But what if he says he misses you, but then brush it off with something like "but like a friend".

Is he scared? Uncertain? Is he playing a game? Or does he simply just wanna be friends again?

I mean things happened, can you actually just go back to "normal" from that?

What if the gut tells you one thing and your head another, which one should you trust, if either?

How can you ever really know?

Then when you think you got it all figured out, the thoughts pop up, confusing you a little more..


"Too busy feeling feelings and everything around them"


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I don´t know if I should call Los Angeles my first or my second home now? When I go back to Sweden, am I going home or leaving home? And when I go back to LA, am I coming home?

What is a home anyway? Is it where you were brought up, where you have most of your family and friends, where all your things are, or is it a feeling?

Anyway.. I have been back in LA now for almost 3 weeks and it feel great. Absolutely love to be here and to have everything (literally everything) and anything happen just outside your doorstep.


Last semester was a bit hectic and I had a really hard time not to spend my money so promised myself I would do better this time.

And I am!

For starters my roommate and I go grocery shopping once a week at "food 4 less" (which actually is a lot more food for less) and we eat most meals at home.

And right now I am trying out pretty much any kind om gym, yoga studio, crossfit place etc that there is. See most places have a free tryout, some have a week, some 5 days, some 1 day or 1 class for free so just trying it all out til I run out, then I´ll decide if I or where to sign up or if I just wanna go hiking at all the beautiful trails around the corner (Runyon canyon, Griffith park) or use a different e-mail and try all the places again.. shh


"Dream as if you´ll live forever. Live as if you´ll die today" - James Dean

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it is both a blessing and a curse to feel everything so very deeply.

How is it that some people live without any sort of anxiety or feelings for that matter when that is all I am? My entire being is anxiety, all of me and then some. Can´t even deal with myself half the time and it feels like it is eating me alive.

This constant overthinking and worrying about things I have said or done, worrying what people think of me while I also couldn´t care less. It is all so bipolar and contradicting.

Someone asked me when it all started and what triggered it? But I can´t seem to remember, I think I have always been like this, or maybe not but then how come I can´t remember it.

I so wish that people could see and feel what I feel every hour of every day, it is so frustrating trying to explain to people about the virus that is eating me up on the inside.

If I could live one day without feeling a thing, bet that feeling would be the best feeling!

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I have this tendency to feel lonely in the company of others, not feeling like I belong.

I have always craved a lot time to myself and I very much enjoy my own company even though it´s driving me crazy sometimes to be alone with my head and the thoughts going mental in there, like a virus spreading and breaking loose.

Thoughts are the most dangerous when they are left to gallop on their own and very hard to control. If only my head where the only thing to mess me up, but then there is the anxiety, that takes over your body and it is so painful that you feel like the only thing that can safe you from it is dying. It´s a crazy thing life, love, believe. What is what and what is real?

How do we really know what we feel or that what we feel is right? Where do we belong? How can you feel like you don´t belong in a world full of people?


" Can I die just for tonight? I want a temporary death"

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At least that is what society is teaching us isn't it? Happiness is all we should thrive for and if we don´t find we must pretend to have found it, god forbid we ever express any feelings of sadness!

I don´t know which of these I feel the most, it goes from one to the other and then back, in a matter of seconds. It doesn't surprise me anymore but it still hurts just as much.

I have travelled the world to find what I´m looking for, the only problem is, I don´t think I know what that is.. Most of the time I live in a fantasy world, movie scenes playing in my head, longing for that love you find in movies, that place in the world where I can finally feel at home and stop that search for happiness and a rested soul. Am I waiting and looking for something that doesn't exist or will it come to me when I am ready for it? Will I ever be ready for it?

How can it be so simple to some people, no searching, no longing or loneliness, no dreams or goals. And why do I have all of that? I have felt happiness many times in life, real happiness, at least I think so, it feels like it byt then sadness hits like a grenade on a sunny clear blue skye day and I forget all about that good feeling. All that is left is razer blades in my heart.

Pretending and adapting are my biggest personality trades, and it´s what gets me by most of the time. But hiding behind a facade, pretending that everything is okay is more stressful than anything else... Being a Highly Sensitive Person is the best and the worst thing in the world!


" It is both a blessing and a course to feel everything so very deeply"

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Det faller sig alltid så fint att man träffar intressanta människor strax innan hemfärd, när man minst anar det.

Den här gången kom han till mig en vecka innan terminen var slut. 3 dygn ihop spenderade vi tillsammans från första mötet, jag kände mig som 16 igen. Vi rökte vattenpipa på kvällarna och åt glass i solen på dagarna, han hjälpte mig plugga för finals och jag kände mig hemma, han lät mig köra sin Mercedes och drog runt mig i kundvagn, sena promenader på stranden och massvis med djupa konversationer.

Precis när jag skulle åka hem över sommaren så dök han upp, helt främmande med sitt mörka hår och tydliga dialect kom han ock kastade alla mina fördomar ut genom rutan. Nu ville jag inte åka hem längre!

2 månader blir jag borta, vi ska höras men det är svårt med tidsskillnaden, jobbscheman osv. Långdistans is a bitch och vi får se om vi klarar av henne!


"The best relationships are the ones you never saw coming"


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This place does not only have adorable interior, but their coffee and Acai-bowls are on top!!! Rawberri, LA!

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