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I bet she could never make you cry
'Cause the scars on your heart are still mine
Tell me that she couldn't get this sting
‘She can almost be the worst of me’
Too bad she's just eating off your dreams
Let me know when you're ready to plea
Maybe you just need to send for me

Been waiting on that sunshine boy, I think I need that back
Can't do it like that
No one else gonna get it like that
So I argue, you yell
But you take me back
Who cares when it feels like crack?
Boy you know that you always do it right
Man, fuck your pride

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Hello world/diary. 

God I fucking hate writing out my negativity but sometimes it's the only thing that makes me cope. I didn't understand what a panic attack really was until I was standing one day after a work shift in Chelsea and although I knew it was my last day working there I walked through the rain towards the bus, I had taken too many shots from customers and when closing the bar we put on Bon iver. How emotional and sentimental it could have almost been a cheesy rom-com. The rubbish men came on their nightly shift to empty our trash and passed us a bag filled with sushi; the guy I was working with grabbed some red bulls in exchange. He later on told me that they have a deal, a deal of humanity. Although it was no biggie I rarely see this type of friendly exchange that is completley not based on selfishness since I had been a kid in Moldova. 

I walked, it was pouring down, it was cold but I felt so numb. I realised I had started to hold my breathe and suddenly I was choking my own lungs, I cried and cried loudly. Who the fuck cares anyway? It was 3am in the morning in a prestigious shithole, nobody gave a crap. 

I knew the feeling had come up before but this was different, I realised that all the pressure that revolves in my head I let it be there. I create it, I overthink it and in the end the demons are my own making. And to this date I let the stress get to me everyday and I am so grateful to the few people who stand there beside me. But I don't believe in the materialistic kid I was at 15, I believe in energy, I believe in a inner drive and I believe in emotion. Cry if you need too, me and Mikaela had once made a deal to go scream off cliffs, write it out, tell someone, trust yourself because I can bet it can be temporary but at least you learn. Why are people so embarssed to talk about problems anyway, nobody is perfect. 


So tomorrow I should be going to my mock test, I don't have any clue if I will go or stay and study at home. I have worked my ass off the past weeks securing a summer job, working on essays due in 1 month, fixing presentations and studying. They say knowledge is power, but is one degree your fate? what you can fully become? or is it your chance to become an average citizen who lives an average life. I don't know maybe one day I'll figure it out.


adios.

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This month and the next 2 are going to be super stressful lots of work to do! I have a business presentation and essay, criminal presentation and 2 exams in public and tort....but the bets thing I have found out is that I end mid May after my final exams so I will have some time to work and save up for a nice summer trip (hopefully). :)


Right now The weekend's beautiful voice Is getting me through this workload! Here is a link to some of my favourite oldies. He seems like such a shy and completely romantic soul; a artist who truly expresses his deepest emotions through his singing. Man I miss him and Bella :( The last is my favourite! if only everybody had listened to Kiss land before the more commercial music came in :/ (haha I don't read the lyric

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​I read this on one of my favourite sites called Qoura which Is like a vamped platform of the yahoo answers equivalent and very insightful to read.

This post really touched me, it Is a post about the highlights and downfalls of a marriage. What one should consider before being with that partner.

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​sometimes life isn't a bed of roses but sometimes it is. The past month has been strange, sometimes good and sometimes bad. But like every teenager I feel stressed over what I want, what to become and what my future brings.

I have huge exams coming up and if I am to be completely honest uni isn't going as great as I had hoped, and I know you get to hear often that it's only the first year and that you should work through it but I don't believe in fighting for something that dosen't make you happy in the long run. There's just no point because if it isn't leading somewhere it never will and you will just regret all the time you spent focused on the wrong thing.

Right now I don't know if I want to keep doing this after summer, I have things that make me happier and maybe changing something I thought was for me since I've been 12 years old may not be as scary as It seems.

I want to run away and live on an island with the person I love, I want to live with him in a mansion and live that lush life, the next day I want to live poorly but happily unknown in someplace random. Why does so much of this stuff that makes you so stressed now not matter in 20 years?


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The acting is incredible, you can relate, the storyline is surprising just wow. Please watch these movies they are fantastic

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I know it's later and I have a flight to catch but sometimes my thoughts get the best of me and I procrastinate over the past.

I don't think about my first boyfriend a lot, infact very rarely. I don't love him anymore and I don't have any lust towards him, but I see him as the first person I was intimate with emotionally and physically. Man we were two kids in love, Romeo and Juliet. WE had so much passion and drama and we always had fun even when we did get mad. He was definitely my best friend, his family took me onboard like no other and we had our many firsts together.

There is really no better nostalgic feeling then me and him riding on his shitty moped through the salty vaxholm summer nights, we sped along the roads meeting his friends, my friends, bathing in the cold sea water at midnight, going to the small bridge by his house to have our little deep talk where we talked about anything, really anything. I was soooo involve and so sure he was the one, well maybe he wasn't the one but he was the one I am happy to have been my very first boyfriend.

Giggles when his mum was in the kitchen and we would run outside in the garden getting high on a badly rolled up joint, buying snacks at the Statoil and gazing at stars. True romantics. Man we had fun, he inspired me in a bad boy type of way and it lasted on and off for about 3 years. It was great and we share so many fantastic memories. It sort of died and ran out in the sand, the spark but in my mind he will always stay.

IT's funny how things change, how we meet new people and different stories come to tell from them. How every person teaches you a lesson in life. Sometimes I regret some of the persons I have met and other days I don't, because in the end who have made me into who I  amtoday if it weren't for them?.

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