journal.

when i was younger, i remember my friends telling me that being in a relationship, crushing on a boy was just about the best feeling ever. and when i turned fifteen, i got my first real boyfriend. i remember how hyped my friends were. this was it, they said. this is what it's all about.

the boy i liked was amazing, he was kind, funny and we were the couple everyone in school knew and talked about. all our friends and even the teachers used to tell me that we were the perfect pair. he played the guitar and i had the voice. we would sit and just sing duets in our spare time. i loved it, it calmed me down. i was going through a tough time at home, constantly fighting with my family. he was the escape i needed. but i still felt that something was missing, and when he said those three words that was supposed to make my heart beat faster, i knew that it wasn't right. i couldn't say it back, and i broke it off.

every relationship i've had since then were the same. they were more than ready to love me, but i just couldn't open that piece of my heart up for them. i couldn't give them the love that they asked for. i won't lie, the guys i dated have been perfect, in everyone else's eyes. my friends were always jealous that every guy that fell for me were a true prince charming, but i still couldn't feel it.

and then a little over a year ago, this one night, in some strange way, fate made me meet this guy. when i met him that night, i could never have guessed that he would mean this much to me today. people talk so much about love, and the feeling of falling in love, but nothing, and i mean nothing could ever prepare me for the feeling of being in love with him. he literally just crashed right through that wall that all the other guys tried so hard to break through.

i could sit here all night and try to describe the feelings i have for him, but it just wouldn't do him justice. this guy is my world and i can't even imagine a life without him. he became my best friend after just a few weeks and suddenly about three months of friendship, we got into a relationship. i mean i knew i had feelings for him only just a few weeks after meeting, but i wasn't used to that. i never felt anything like this for anyone and i was so scared that i was going to lose him. i backed away around the first two months of our relationship, but after those months, we were talking about something that turned into us admitting how much we meant to each other and i think that's kind of where we truly realised that we were in a relationship. from that point, everything changed.

the kisses, the hugs, the sex, all of it. i cannot even begin to describe the feelings running through my body in those weeks after. and i thought that maybe after a little while, i would get used to it, that my feelings would calm down and i would be able to make sense of them, but no, not even close. it's been eleven months since he became my boyfriend and i swear, my heart still feels like it's gonna explode because of the strong feelings i have for him, and i didn't even think it was possible to fall in love with him more that i already was, but damn, i fall more and more everyday.

i have no idea just how much he loves me, but i love him more that anything. when we're laying in bed and he's holding me in his arms, i can't imagine any other place that could make me happier than exactly where i am. being in his arms, is where i belong. it's my home. i never thought that i would ever love a person as much as i love him, but he proved me wrong.

i would do anything just to see him smile. if he's sad, i'm sad. when he's happy, i'm in heaven. i swear, when he smiles, the world could be falling apart around us but i wouldn't even notice because i'm too busy looking at him. and that something that was missing in my life before, is right in front of me. i have everything i need and it's him. i don't need anything but him.

i found the one i'm going to spend the rest of my life with, i couldn't ask for anything better.

i'm happy, i'm content, i'm home.

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journal., pic of the day.

i guess there are times in life, when you wonder who you are and what you want but since i was a teenager, i always knew what kind of person i was and what i wanted in life.

i pitied the ones who spent every waking moment trying to find a someone. i never believed that a person could change so much. like how it was possible for people to be happy just because they had a partner. i had so many friends, i had my job and i was happy. or so i thought.

then he changed everything. suddenly i would give up everything just to have him forever. i thought i had my life figured out, and then he shows up and everything else in my life felt so irrelevant, so unimportant.

all i want now in life is him. i have never loved someone so much, it kind of hurts.

my feelings are so strong that they even scare me. and i have no idea what to do with them. i'm terrified that he'll leave me one day. that he'll realise that i'm not what he wants anymore. sometimes i just get this feeling inside that he's getting tired of me, because i know i'm so clingy. i can't get enough of him and i never want him to leave me. if i could, i would handcuff him to me so we would never have to be apart.

and it's pathetic how much i feel for him, cause i'm pretty sure that my feelings are stronger than his.

i'm just hoping and praying that he will love me forever, because i can't imagine a life without him.
he has become my everything and more.

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journal., pic of the day.

everything in life is pretty much amazing right now, and it's going better than ever.

for once, i can honestly say i'm happy and satisfied with how my life is going.

so why the hell do i have this awful feeling in my stomach that something really bad is gonna happen? im just hoping it's not serious and i'm just imagining things or overthinking it.

given my history of luck, I'm just waiting for the bad to come. cause to me, everything good always follows with bad.
like I could actually be happy for a long time, right? no I'm doing my best to not let my guard down, because as soon as I do, everything might just come crashing down and I am nowhere near ready.

I'd like at least a few more months of happiness and love.
I've never been so comfortable and relaxed with someone, never had a person feel like home until around 6 months ago.

I had a lot of friends, those who I thought were real. then he showed up, taught me a lesson and suddenly I'm free from all those "friends" and the ones who I still talk to and see from time to time, are the ones that I bet my life will stick with me through it all.

It kind of helps that he also is my best & closest friend. only thought that only existed in movies, but I guess luck wanted to give me one chance.

biting back the pessimist in me and trying my best to think happy thoughts just hoping the bad feeling will take off soon.
hopefully yesterday...

xo

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journal., pic of the day.

​when you find someone that makes you smile, laugh and feel alive, just thinking about them. don't ever let that go.

i can't explain what love is, and i don't think anyone can really explain exactly what it is or how it works. 
it's different from person to person. people show love in their own way, depending on how they are as a person.
i never really thought that i would one day get to tell someone that i love them, because i never really believed in it.

seeing my mom get her heart broken over and over, and then watching my friends all cry out all their tears for guy's who didn't care. 

to have someone control your emotions without even knowing it, it's scary. knowing that you no longer have any control over your own emotions anymore. that the one person that can make you the happiest, can also be the one that makes you cry. putting your trust in someone and hoping that they don't betray you. 

it's like handing someone a gun, then trusting them to not shoot you. it's terrifying. 
i have always been so safe and never let anyone get so close to me.

but now, i finally understand. to feel so strongly about someone, that you don't want to go a day without talking to them, or being sad by just the thought of them leaving you. i never thought that it would happen to me, i'm kind of still waiting for the wake up call. 

when he's happy, i'm happy. when he's sad, i'm sad. when he smiles, i smile. 

but i'm scared, i'm scared that one day, he'll wake up and realise that i'm not who he wants anymore. i'm not perfect. actually, i'm far from perfect and for years, i thought that i was better off alone because no one could ever love me. 

i never opened up to anyone like i do to him. i never wanted someone as much as i want him. i really can't get enough. one day without him seems like a whole week. i'm a trainwreck inside my head. 
and for the first time, i'm jealous. just the thought of him with another girl, makes me sad. 

if someone told me 6 months ago that i would be feeling all of this, i would literally smack them in the face. it's ridiculous, to think that i was once a closed-off, emotionless pessimist. 
it's weird for me to miss someone so much, even if i saw him just a few hours ago. it's absolute madness that i finally found someone i would do anything for, literally. 

the fact that i swallow my pride when it comes to him, show's how much i love him, because my pride is everything to me. 
it's the one thing i've never changed. so many break-ups, fights and lost friends because i refused to swallow my pride.
then suddenly he comes along and i'm literally turning gay. i don't do cute, puppy-love. it's gross and scary.

though, i guess, meeting the right one makes you do and say things you never thought you would. 

it's funny how love works.

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journal., pic of the day., qoute of the day.

everytime i meet someone, i for some reason try to find the negative things in that person. a reason to not be with him.

but now, i have him in front of me, and i can't find anything wrong with him. he is perfect in every way. i can't even find the right words to describe how he makes me feel. it's everything at once, which is a first.

no one has ever made me feel this before. i'm so happy that i could shout it out to the whole world. i walk around with a smile on my face all the time.

he is the most annoying guy i've ever met, and he makes me so damn mad all the time, always testing my patience. most of the time i just want to strangle him, but then right after i want to kiss the life out him. he brings out every god damn emotion in me and i have to admit, it terrifies me. this is so new to me, and i never thought i could feel like this.

there is no one else in this world that i can imagine myself with but him at the moment. i love him. 

it's the most perfect relationship i've ever had. i see myself in five years still wrapped in his arms. i see us living together, cuddling on the couch, watching a movie he picked out (because my choices in movies suck), me poking his face cause i know how much it annoys him, while he has his hands on my sides, tickling me every now and then.

i see us fighting over who's the best out of the two of us. i imagine us engaged, probably not even planning the wedding because honestly, i'm lazy as fuck.

the point is, i finally found someone that i'm 100% comfortable with, and i will do my best to never let that go. i would walk on fire for him and at the same time maybe even push him in the fire.


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