Es un silencio que grita. Que te desgarra por momentos. Es un silencio inquieto, la sombra que te persigue sin descanso. La que te recuerda que no debes fallar, por qué si fallas, caes en ese vacío inmundo. En ese vacío que te recuerda cada error cometido. Ese vacío que te aleja de casa. De todo lo que conoces.
Me levanto pidiéndole a Dios una explicación. Será el tiempo, dicen algunos. Será tu actitud dicen otros. Es pasajero me confirman todos . Pero cada segundo que pasa es eterno. Es aterrador. Me miro al espejo y no reconozco mi reflejo. Veo a una niña cansada, de ojos llorosos y corazón partido. Es desamor propio. Es falta de ganas de seguir andando intuyendo el camino . Es la inseguridad que se ata a las cadenas que arrastran mis pies.
Le pido a Dios el perdón divino. Le pido que me enseñe a andar otra vez, ya que siento mi rostro contra el suelo y mis rodillas en carne viva. Siento que no tengo alma, que no hay espacio para ella.
Otro grito en el silencio. Otra tormenta sin rayos, solo truenos. Otra vez soy marea baja, enseñado todo lo que conservo por dentro. "Es basura" susurro mirándola con asco. Todo lo que hay en mi es basura y aún así, la llevo conmigo. Como recuerdo que advierte lo que va a suceder si vuelvo a caer. Si vuelvo a desvanecer aún estando presente. Son los restos que en su momento brillaban como oro macizo y ahora dejan a la vista un bronce oxidado, moldeado con cada ola. Soy mar y marea, en busca de un faro. Soy cada corriente marina convirtiéndose en maremoto. Soy la ira de Irma. Soy la hija de Poseidón. Soy la sangre derramaba por Atenea. Soy el peso del mundo en los hombros de Atlas y cada serpiente hambrienta en los cabellos de Medusa. Temed al desastre, temed. Pero con compasión. A sabiendas que la calma me espera, que volverá a reinar en este reino sin pueblo donde solo estoy yo. Volveré a ser yo misma. Quizás esta eternidad desaparezca y el tiempo recobrará su ritmo acelerado. Quizás volveré a ser marea alta escondiendo otra vez más, todo lo que hay en mi, destruyéndolo con cada ola. Quizás y tan solo quizás así el silencio volverá a ser mudo, los rayos bailaran con el ruido del trueno y le haré espacio al alma. Quizá rompa las cadenas con todo este revuelo. Quizá pase de ser marea a ser tierra firme.

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Its a screaming silence which tears me apart at times. It is a restless silence in form of a shadow that pursues me without rest. The one that reminds me that I should not fail, because if I fail, I will fall again into the filthy emptiness . Is that little voice that reminds me of every mistake I ever made . That emptiness that keeps you away from home. From everything you know.
I raise up asking God for an explanation. It might be the weather, some say. It might be your attitude I hear other saying . It will go away, they all confirm . But every second that passes, time freezes and becomes eternal. It's frightening. I look in the mirror and I don't recognize my reflection. I see a tired, teary-eyed, heartbroken child. It might be the lack of self love. It might be the lack of desire to keep walking while  intuiting the way. It is the insecurity that is tied to the chains which my feet drag.
I ask God for divine forgiveness. I ask him to teach me to walk again, since I feel my face hurting against the ground and my knees in a inexplicable pain. I feel that I have no soul, that there is no room for it.
I hear another cry in this loud silence. Another storm without lightning, only the sound of a million thunders. Again I turn into low tide, showing everything I keep inside. "It's rubbish " I whisper, looking at it with disgust. Everything in me is rubbish and I still carry every bit of it. As a reminder which warns me what will happen if I fall again. If I vanish again even though I am still present. They are the remains of what once glittered like solid gold and now reveal a rusty bronze , molded with each wave. I am sea and tide all in one , in search of my own lighthouse. I am every sea stream becoming a tidal wave. I am Irma's anger. I am the missing daughter of Poseidon. I am the blood spilled by Athena. I am the weight of the world on the shoulders of Atlas and every hungry snake in Medusa's hair. Fear the disaster, I dare you all to fear it . But with compassion. Knowing that the calm awaits me, that will reborn in this kingdom without people where I am alone, where there it's just me. I'll be myself again. Perhaps this eternity will disappear and time will recover its fast pace. Maybe I'll turn into high tide again , hiding everything in me, destroying it with every wave I cause. Maybe I won't feel lost.
Perhaps and only perhaps the silence will be muted again, the lightning will dance with the noise of thunder and I'll make room for my soul. Maybe I'll break the chains with all the disaster I'm making. Maybe Il'l go from being tide to becoming solid land finding my true self again.

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El amor es como ese cigarrillo en un día gris, que poco a poco va desvaneciendo entre calada y calada, dejando las cenizas de la llama, que en su día fue encendida. Poco a poco se va apagando hasta que de pronto, sin previo aviso, decide volver a encenderse. Nunca se apaga por completo; ya que siempre existe ese intento de alargar esa última calada. Esa que nos da esperanza, serenidad. Las que nos calienta el corazón bajo la lluvia fría. Esa que baila sobre el compás de los suspiros. Y aquellas cenizas que va dejando a su paso. Cuántas historias guardarán en secreto, cuantos pensamientos, en busca de solución. Cuantos toquecitos las habrán dejado caer con el índice y algunos, aquellos, los más delicados, más sensibles, con el dedo corazón. Que bonitas las cenizas, dijo el ave fénix. Que bonita moraleja, "nacer de lo que comienza quitándote la vida". Y al fin y al cabo todo lo que nos da vida, a la vez nos la quita. Por que no hay justicia sin remordimientos, no hay victoria sin pérdida. No podemos coexistir sin nuestro antónimo. No somos nada. Si no todo lo contrario. Volvemos a nuestro punto de partida, aquel cigarrillo, que tanto nos hace divagar en el pensamiento abstracto, y será que de lo abstracto pasamos a lo concreto. A la idea coherente y precisa. Pero dime, si aquel cigarrillo tuviese poder del habla, que nos contaría? La verdad absoluta y definida? o tan solo una hipótesis de lo que creemos que es la verdad?. " No te apagues nunca" le susurré inocente y aventurada a la llama de aquel cigarrillo. No te apagues nunca por que me das vida. Y una vida sin amor no es vida. Si no es un limitado sin vivir. Es un juego en el que sabes que vas a perder. Es el infierno de hielo, que mientras más frío, más quema.

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You were home. You were that part of me that i thought i lost on the field, which it perfectly fitted the path with all those hundreds of broken pieces inside my chest that i called my heart. You were the patience which heals a wound, the last breath of a poet who has finally finished his masterpiece. The smell of summer after a cold winter. You are the music I hear that shakes me and rocks me down and makes me film calm all of a sudden. You gave me life, you made every single day, worth living. I was born again, wiling to take my first steps.

And i guess that was my biggest mistake, the one we usually call  , "the wrong time and the wrong place", no matter how much you want it to work, it was already broken from the beginning. And if I'm completely honest, I really wanted this to work, but I can´t stop falling between those obstacles you decided to put in our way. You are so easy and so difficult to love. You hurt and please at the same time.

I once read that if you love someone you must let him try his own wings; And that is all i have ever done. But every time you decide to leave me and start your journey by flying away so high that you could almost touch the sky , I was left in solid land, wondering if you would ever come back. I became afraid every time you decided to spread your wings. There is no place for fear in living, otherwise it just isn't living anymore. Maybe I´m just tired of waiting for you halfway, because of your idea of refusing getting into the end, fearing what you might find. Your could find yourself heartbroken. But that isn't a excuse for not trying. We are humans my dear, and our job in this world is to feel, this is what makes us the way we are. there is no point trying to avoid the fact that you will get hurt. Because you will. But why would you stop yourself of being human? Because the brave is not the one who faceses the unknown, but the coward that even without knowing, so fool of him, takes a risk and tries to get the best of it. And that was my plan from the beginning. try to go with the flow. Until you came.

And well, who knows you maybe find that person whom you can call home someday. Whoever makes you lose the fear of the worlds unknown and you finally decide to give it a shot , not having a care in the world, but trying to make her as happy as she makes you. Prioritize her. You might find her at the right place in the right time. Or perhaps you lost her during the time you were putting all these obstacles in our way.

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cambios. A veces lo único que necesitamos, es un cambio. Algo que nos haga dar un giro de 180 grados, y sentir que aunque se vuelvan a dar los 180 restantes, el punto de partida no va a volver a ser el mismo. Nadie dijo que fueran fáciles, o que no estuvieran ligados al miedo. Porque ese es el gran problema de todos los cambios que nos planteamos hacer. Que de una manera u otra, nos dan miedo. Miedo a enfrentarnos a lo desconocido, a salir de esa rutina que poco a poco hemos creado sin querer, que se rompan los esquemas, y que nada vuelva a ser lo mismo. A veces hay que elegir el camino que nunca nos hubiésemos planteado caminar. A veces hay que decir adiós a todo lo que conocíamos y simplemente, cambiar.

Cambio de olores, de sabores y de ti. De mi. de aquel nosotros que siempre fuimos, y ya nunca volveremos a ser. De ese viaje el cual partimos cogidos de la mano, y que ahora camino sola, sin ti a mi vera. Pero debo decirte querido tu, que me has dado inspiración para cambiar, para no quedarme de brazos cruzados y atreverme a lo que quizás, contigo nunca me hubiese atrevido. Gracias por darme esa soledad que tanto necesitaba, y a la que tanto temía. Fui tu musa y tu mi Picasso, y me dibujaste a través de ojos tuyos, intentando hacerme ver lo que tu veías. Pero hoy me hago duena del pincel , me miro al despejo desnudándome el alma y pintando cada detalle que veo por primera vez con mis propios ojos. Y es hermoso. Es único. Es yo. Un yo, creado por mi. Un yo, tan mío, que me asusta despegar la mirada tan solo un segundo, por miedo a que desaparezca, a que se vuelva a perder. A que regrese a su punto de partida, y vuelva a ser el mismo que ayer. Los cambios, dan miedo, pero no por ello debamos dejar de cambiar. de crecer. El miedo es temporal, y yo quiero mentirme y convencerme de que la felicidad, puede ser eterna.

Aquí os dejo mi voz..

Changes.. 

Changes. Sometimes the only thing you need, is a change. Something that would make us spin 360 degrees to go back to the starting point, where we once found our self's at and that it will never ever be the same as it was. No one said it was easy. No one said, that they don´t go hand to hand with fear. If we think about it, that´s the biggest problem with changes. That we fear them to death. We fear the unknown, breaking the routine we once made, without even noticing it. fear of accepting, that even if we try our best, we maybe wont be the same person as we once upon a time, were. Sometimes we decide to take paths, which we never even thought of taking. Sometimes you have to give the final good bay and simply, change.

Change of scents, flavours and you. And even me. Even the us we once were and will never ever be again. The trip we, together, started which now I do by myself. . But I must say, dearest you, thank you. thanks to you I see myself inspired for a change, for not wanted to stay with my arms crossed, and daring to do, everything I wouldn't have dared to do, with you by my side. Thank you for giving me the loneliness witch I needed, but feared the most. I was your muse and you were Picasso, and you painted me through your eyes , trying to make me realise every detail you saw in me. But today, Im becoming the owner of the myself, undressing my soul in front of a mirror and painting for the very first time every single detail Ive missed. And I must say, Its beautiful. Its unique. Its me. A perfect reflection, which I´ll never get tired of seeing and wishing that it wont disappear. fearing that it would get back to that starting point, and becoming the same as it was yesterday. Changes are as we said, scary. But we cant let fear stop us from them. From growing. I believe in temporal fear, because I once fooled myself that happiness, could be eternal.

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Hoy, es el día, en el  que de una vez por todas, te dejo ir. Te abro las puertas de esta jaula en la que has estado cautivo, quizás más tiempo del previsto, y te digo adiós. Un adiós definitivo. Un adiós, sin remordimientos, quizás porque en el fondo se que es necesario. Un adiós sin lágrimas, ya que no me queda ninguna por derramar.

Y al fin y al cabo, tu ya te fuiste por voluntad propia, hace mucho tiempo, y yo sin darme cuenta, quise creer que aun permanencias callado, encadenado a mi, compartiendo y reviviendo, un recuerdo, ya casi ficticio, y cada vez más lejano. Pero hoy es el día, que rompo mis propias cadenas, y te dejo ir lejos, dónde ya no pueda ni siquiera sentir que no estás, lejos, dónde tu ausencia pase desapercibida, y tu voz se apague con el murmullo de la gente.

Hoy es el día en el que  no solo pasaré página, sino quemaré el libro, y echaré sus cenizas al mar. Puede que así por fin, pueda arrancarme tu recuerdo de lo más profundo de mi ser, y seguir avanzando. Porque al final, no hacemos otra cosa, que avanzar.

Hoy es el día que a su vez, tomo las riendas de mi vida y me dirijo a aquel lugar llamado felicidad. Donde esta misma toma protagonismo, y reniega de una vez por todas ese papel secundario,el cual se le ha sido otorgado, y sin reproche alguno, le ha tocado interpretar.

Hoy es el día, que no me pesan las alas, y toca echarse a volar. Hoy, es el día, que dejo todo atrás, y empiezo a tomarme la vida, y los sentimiento que consigo lleva, menos en serio. Y ojo, que esto no significa que me niegue a sentir, o que decida sentir menos. Si no a sentir bien y mejor,a quien de verdad se lo merezca. Así que, si algún día notas que la distancia emocional entre nosotros, es cada vez más llamativa, es hora de replantearte si de verdad mereciste mi atención y todo lo que conlleva. Si de verdad fue mutua. Si extrañas lo que era, y ya no es.

Y por último, hoy es el "día de año nuevo"de cumplir aquellas promesas que en su dia no pude cumplir. De ser egoísta y ponerme a mi misma en primer plano, sin importarme lo que esto pueda causar, ya que te has mal acostumbrado, a verme feliz a través de ti. Y hoy no me da miedo la soledad, ni librar guerras sin armadura y con solo una espada, sabiendo que el recuerdo y la añoranza de esa realidad ficticia que creamos, me gane todas y cada una de las batallas. Hoy toca afrontar que me vendiste, sin escrúpulos, por una mera victoria, guiada por tu simple vanidad. Fui ese tronco, y tu esa orquídea, parásito divino, del cual dejé ciegamente alimentarse de mi. Y es hora de arrancar tus raíces, enredadas con las mías, de tantas historias que en su día compartimos y dejarte ir.

Y ayer, fue el día que dependí de ti. Y hoy, es el día, que aprendí, a depender solo y exclusivamente, de mi.

Today is the day..

​Today is the day which once and for all, I let you go. I now  open the doors of the cage in which you've been captive, perhaps longer than I did ever expected, and give you a farewell with a sincere goodbye. A final goodbye.  A goodbye, without remorse, maybe because in the end , I know deep inside that it is necessary.  A tearless goodbye because I dont  have any tear left to shed.

And after all, you  left voluntarily, long time ago and without me realizing it. I wanted to believe that  you did stay, quietly  and chained inside me, sharing and reliving a memory, almost fictitious, and increasingly  becoming more and more distant. But today is the day I break my own chains, and let you go free. Far away. Where no longer I can feel, that you really aren't here by my side. Far. Where your absence goes unnoticed, and your voice start disappearing  with the murmur of people.

Today is the day which  I would not only  turn the page into a new chapter, but  burn the whole  book, and cast the ashes  into the sea. Maybe  finally,  I  can rip your memory off  from the depths of my being, and move forward. Because at the end, we do nothing, but moving always  forward. Today is the day which I finally take the reins of my life and I drive myself into  this place called happiness. Where my happiness itself,   will take the first role  , and renounces once and for all,  this secondary role, which  it has been forced , and without reproach, taken.

Today is the day,  which i will no longer carry this  weight on my  wings and finally start to learn to fly . Today is the day I leave everything behind and start to take life, and the feeling It  leads, less seriously. But watch out , this doesn't  mean that I refuse to feel, or  that i have decided to feel less. Is  just trying to feel more and better, to those who really deserve it. So if someday you start to wonder why  the emotional distance between us is increasingly striking, it's time to rethink if you really deserved it from the beginning  and all its entails. If its really was mutual. If you miss what it  was and  no longer is. 

And finally, today is the "new year's day" to fulfill those promises which I couldn't fulfill before. Is the time of being selfish and putting  myself in the frontline , no matter what this may cause, because you have this bad habit of thinking that my happiness depends of yours. 

And today I'm not afraid of loneliness, or fight wars without a shield and with just one sword , knowing that the memory and longing of this fictitious reality which we together created,  will win each and every one of these battles.

Today i face that you cowardly sold me, unscrupulously, for a mere victory, guided by your simple and disgusting  vanity.  I was the the tree trunk and you were the orchid,  that divine parasite, which i blindly  feeded.  And it's time to tear apart your roots , which are still tangled into mine with so many stories that we once shared.

 Because yesterday was the day that I depended on you. And today is the day I learned to rely solely and exclusively  on me.


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