Oh my gosh, my mom caught me. I said i had to go to the bathroom, as usually, and while I'm sitting on the floor with the toothbrush gagging I hear her! I hear how she's slowly coming up the stairs, I stop immediately and sit down on the toilet pretending to pee. She comes closer to the door and asked me what I was doing, while replying I'm just on the toilet she goes in to my room across the hall and sit down on my bed. I come in to my room to find her pissed out, she was yelling about how the fuck I could be doing this etc. I know she wants the best for me but can't she see how I look, that this is what helps me. She also said that my arms looked thinner, I don't think she understands how much of a trigger that is! Like if someone notice that I'm loosing weight that's trigger me to keep going, and if people don't notice that triggers me to push myself even more.
I get that she's worried but I can take care of myself and I only wanna loose some kg then I'm good. But know today she and dad took me out to dinner, good they don't get how much it hurts, it's like I can feel the fat crowing on my body. Just let me feel beautiful and I will be happy..

Blog using your mobile phone - One of the best blogging apps on the market - click here!

Likes

Comments

Well after last nights breakdown I feel stronger now. I haven't had anything for either breakfast or lunch, maybe I make it today. But deep down inside I know this isn't right, that I shouldn't do this. I have read pages after pages about how dangerous this is and what will happen to my body. Would it me my best friend I would do anything to make her/him stop, tell them how bad it's for them and so on. But now it's me we are talking about, and I can't get the warnings in my head. All day long my head I stuffed whit what I will eat, when and how. I know how hard it is to love someone who is mentally sick, and that's what's make me hate the fat on my body even more. Because if I would be skinny I wouldn't have to do this to myself, and I would be easy to love.

Likes

Comments

Well hi again! I just needed to write this down so I don't forget it, because I do that kinda often haha. Maybe it's just me but I often have the urge to tell someone when I haven't been eating or when I've been throwing up, I guess it's because I feel so proud. Proud over loosening weight, proud over doing something that makes me look beautiful. I used to be very sad before, self harm and suicide thoughts were very common, but not anymore. Witch have been very delightful, but I start to feel sad again. It's like even if I smile of happiness every time I purge I still fell so empty, shouldn't I be happy now when I'm loosing weight?! It's a forever debate in my head..

Likes

Comments

Guess who just had a sandwich and feel disgusting, well if you guessed me you were right. I had no self control, god im such a failure. What am I doing, no god damn food tomorrow!

Likes

Comments

I was so hungry, that's what disappointed me the most. And dinner were so good, or maybe that's what it becomes after not eating for 24 hours. And I ate, I had some self respect and didn't eat so much but trust me I felt so fat afterwards. I felt so big, so as usual I went upstairs to purge, and because I have kinda of hard time to throw up I tried something new. I chunked a big glass of water and that did magic, It worked really good.
But now we are here, its dinner time and my family expect me to eat e normal dinner. And it's almost makes me a bit mad that they don't see how big am actually is. I guess I'll be drinking a lot of water at least.

Likes

Comments