It's crazy. As I'm typing this I have tears streaming down my face, trying to make sense of my emotions on a day like this.

Nov 13, 2016. On this day, 8 years ago, I lost my best friend Jameson. My cat. I don't care about your opinion about cats, but hopefully you will understand some of the grief I'm going through by keep reading this.

Thanks to Facebook, I get notified every year about what happened on this day. And believe me when I say that Nov 13, 2008 was a massively traumatic day in my life. I don't care if you're religious or what, but I'm spiritual. And I was bugging my boyfriend at the time when I had insane visions in my head of my cat dying. One day I even called him from work and asked him "Have you seen Jameson? I'm worried something will happen! Something is gonna happen to him, I know it!". And my lovely boyfriend kept trying to keep me calm by saying "It's OK, he's here now, you're freaking over nothing".

Then, on this fateful morning 8 years ago, I was awoken by a knock on our door. I literally tumbled out of bed and ran to answer, knowing exactly what had happened. It was our neighbor. She said a cat had been run over by a car, and she thinks it's Jameson. The panic that ensued... oh my god.. My boyfriend was already awake and aware of what was going on. Him and I ran across the road and spotted our BELOVED, beautiful cats body, lifeless on the side of the road. The shock that followed, the denial and enormous grief is hard to put into words, but let's just say I cried and puked nonstop, the rest of the day, and particularly while digging a grave for our Son in the garden, to give him a place to sleep, in the place he loved the most. (We 'rescued' Jameson from a neighbor who didn't want him. At the time of my boob job, this amazing feline spent all his time sleeping on my chest. I am entirely positive that thanks to his love, I healed up safely after surgery. It was his 'thank you' to me for bringing him into our home, and letting him stay)

My boyfriend at the time was a touring musician (still is). That was always fine by me, but the relationship me and Jameson had became so unique to the point that when Robin went away, Jameson knew when to sleep on Robins side of the bed. Jameson was never just a 'cat' or a 'pet' to me. Jameson was a friend, a healer and a soul that connected with my own soul. The bond we had was above most (if not all - well, alongside with my dog) connections I've ever had with other beings - human or animals. I understand it's hard for some to understand, but he showed me that true love can come from anywhere, anything and anybody. 

This is why, on this date every year, I struggle to understand why my beautiful friend had to be taken away from me, in such a cruel way. The driver didn't stop. We had to pick Jameson's almost cold body from the street, wrap his bleeding head and body into his favorite blanket and put him in the grave we lovingly made for him. I swear, I changed that day. It's hard to explain, but this animal showed me that there's a bigger sense of love in the universe. You have to feel, and connect in order to understand how the world works. He surprised me. I didn't even want a cat!

I'm still crying typing this. The love I have for this boy will never die or end, but at the time I still had so much love to give, and the void in my heart pointed me to a cat, on a rescue website, in another city. A cat that had been hit by a car, left for dead and had his teeth knocked out and tail amputated. He couldn't even walk.I felt that I needed to help him.

A few phone calls and volunteer drivers later, this beautiful cat was in my house. I named him Owl Capone - his face looked like an owl and his markings/fur like a husky dog. Owl Capone. I was told to never let him out as he wouldn't last a day - he went from strength to strength and now completely recovered and happy.   I am convinced we healed each other... So, on this day, the date I l lost my Jameson, seeing as we never knew when Capone was born or how old he was, I decided to make it a positive thing, and a special day to celebrate both of them. I have asked Robin to light a candle on Jameson's grave, and my friend Tania to give cuddles and birthday love to Capone today 

Rest in peace beautiful Jameson. And happy birthday my gorgeous, happy little boy Capone. I LOVE you both so dearly it's hard to describe, but I had to put my feelings about this into words to make some sense of it all.

I have so much more to say but I'm gonna leave it like this. Maybe a friendly advice in there somewhere... - FEEL THE LOVE... regardless where it comes from... it might teach you something new..

Goodnight sweethearts. Love you, always forever <3

Hugging me this way while he sleeps...

OWL CAPONE!

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....between knowing that you're perfectly happy the way things are going, safe in the knowledge you don't need, or have to rely on, anybody for anything... yet, miss that absolutely free, basic human desire of an occasional emotional -and sometimes physical- feeling of comfort & belonging.

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It's important to pay attention to, and appreciate the little things in life. Even though day-to-day living is no doubt a  source of stress and worry, we should always take a few moments to remember the things we need to be grateful for.

The more we notice the amazing things that happens to us every day, the easier it is to live a happier life.

The other day, someone said to me:

​"There is something so special about your soul, that I've never seen in anybody else before. There is something so genuine about your heart".

​I will never forget those words. Especially coming from somebody that doesn't even know me that well, someone I don't really hang out with or am romantically involved with.  It made my day.

I hope I made someone else's day too,, on that day.

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This summer, I went to L.A 3 times. I just had to, I was in love. Not with a person, but with a place, commonly known as the City of Angels.

And tonight, on this slightly cool and dark October night, I look back on all the amazing memories I made there with my friends, new as well as old. It's a city that fills me with curiosity, inspiration & excitement. It has so much to offer, yet it's not for everybody. City life can be hard, but I miss it. The music scene is awesome, and i love hanging out at the Rainbow with all the old school rockers.

I smile/facepalm when I think of all the stupid shit that went down on my birthday trip. From hanging out at the Rainbow with all sorts of rockers, punks and ex-pornstars, drinking everything in sight, up to no good in the cave, falling down stairs, afterparties and hilarious cab journeys, to daytime sightseeing (not everybodys cup of tea - some of us were way to hungover to even breathe on some days!), to discovering new amazing restaurants, food, museums, hills, views, sunsets and sunrises...

One of my fondest memories from the summer is sitting on the balcony in our rented Hollywood apartment, looking out on the nighttime sky and all the silhouette rooftops, palm trees and stars, with my English friend Sam, wrapped in warm blankets, drinking red wine and talking for hours about everything and nothing, while the other 2 were sound asleep in the other room. Little moments like that make the most special memories to last a lifetime. Felt so blessed and serene knowing I had all I needed in that very moment. (I think we felt rather worse for wear the next morning though....we have a tendency to not know when to stop, or rather, we do know - we just don't!)

Either way, Los Angeles, I miss you! I shall be back as soon as time & money will allow me too, hopefully accompanied by some of my finest blonde besties. I miss this view... goodnight!

XOXOXOX


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"Better" (Guns ' Roses)

No one ever told me when 
I was alone 
They just thought I'd know better, better

The hardest part 
This troubled heart 
Has never yet been through now
Was heal the scars 
That got their start 
Inside someone like you now

For had I known 
Or I'd been shown 
Back when how long it'd take me
To break the charms 
That brought me harm 
And all but would erase me

I never would 
Or thought I could 
No matter what you'd pay me
Replay the part
You stole my heart 
I should have known you're crazy

If all I knew 
Was that with you 
I'd want someone to save me
It'd be enough
But just my luck 
I fell in love and maybe 

All that I wanted was 
Now I know you better 
You know I know better

So bittersweet
This tragedy
Won't ask for absolution
This melody

Inside of me

Still searches for solution

A twist of faith

A change of heart 

Cures my infatuation
A broken heart 
Provides the spark 
For my determination

No one ever told me when 
I was alone 
They just thought I'd know better, better

All that I wanted was

Now I know you better 
You know I know better 

I never wanted you to be so full of anger
I never wanted you to be somebody else
I never wanted you to be someone afraid to know themselves 
I only wanted you to see things for yourself 

All that I wanted was

Now I know you better 
Now we all know better
All that I wanted was 


If I were you
I'd manage to
Avoid the invitation 
Of promised love 
That can't keep up 
With your adoration 

Just use your head
And in the end
You'll find your inspiration
To choose your steps
And won't regret
This kind of aggravation

No one ever told me when 
I was alone 
They just thought I'd know better

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