I don't know if it's the fact that a new semester of studies is around the corner that gives me motivation to write a little again. Tomorrow I have my last day at work and I couldn't be more happy about it right now.! I feel both frightened to go back to all stress and studying, but at the same time excited to start the last year of uni. Man, these past two years have gone by so fast. I can still remember the first nervous days and the insecurity that every one had.
I can say after these past two years that I've grown as a person, learned a lot about my future profession and learned that some people are super two faced. I still know that I haven't seen everything yet, but I'm pretty sure that I have figured out something about people and life. Okay, so I don't know what I'm trying to say here... I know for sure that I'm still deep inside this insecure human being who has way too high expectations about herself and kind of the reasons that I stress so much about not being better at everything. I mean, it does drive me crazy when I'm trying to write an essay on any subject and I have to re-write it. That does kill me inside.. Literally, takes out every last piece of motivation that is left. Phew, I know that it would help to talk to someone about these super beat-myself-up-thoughts , but have not had the guts to do it. I have these moments when I have to wrap myself into my own shell and I start to doubt everything I do and everything I am. I can hereby say that I'm forever going to be a pessimist. I always have something negative on my mind. Sometimes all I can come to think of is negative. This state of mind happens when I'm super stressed and I do hate it. The weird feeling of having to throw up, but it actually never happens. To top it all off, I start to avoid people and public places. Avoiding situations where someone will think you're weird when you haven't said a word for fifteen minutes. Instead of facing these situations I go home. Cry. Breathe. Cry some more. Then listen to some sad music. Eating myself full of sugar or something I find. Yeah, and then also the anxiety and panic on top of that. Man , I hate all that. I hope that I won't stress my brain out when I'm starting to write "the big essay". FML. Likaväl slår jag mitt huvve i väggen. Eller ba sitter på golvet och gråter. Panic attack crying is unstoppable if you don't talk to someone who can calm you the hell down.
Okay I have no idea why I wrote this, I'm just going to stop here okay bye.
I will write you next time I have something more happy to write about. Like that will ever happen.