Hello!


What have I been up to the past few days? Well, last weekend I was on a mini trip to Stockholm. Such a nice way to end this summer since I have to get back to the capital next weekend. It's so nice to get away from all the familiar for a change and get away from routine and just go wherever you want, even if it's only for a day. So much fun!

So now I only have one week left of this summer and then it's back to school. Lol I'm not looking forward to it at all... because I haven't come up with any ideas for my bachelor's degree and I'm starting to get concerned that my brain has stopped working or something. Fuck this shit.


As long as I feel okay about everything between us it's okay, but as soon as I do anything wrong all of our problems is my fault. Life is complicated I know and everything goes to shit if one only tries to find faults in others. Forgiveness is the key to happiness. and not to forget: life is fragile and every day should not be taken for granted.


So with these very wise words said, I'll write to you again soon.



Heidi






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Hi there.

I don't know if it's the fact that a new semester of studies is around the corner that gives me motivation to write a little again. Tomorrow I have my last day at work and I couldn't be more happy about it right now.! I feel both frightened to go back to all stress and studying, but at the same time excited to start the last year of uni. Man, these past two years have gone by so fast. I can still remember the first nervous days and the insecurity that every one had. 


I can say after these past two years that I've grown as a person, learned a lot about my future profession and learned that some people are super two faced. I still know that I haven't seen everything yet, but I'm pretty sure that I have figured out something about people and life. Okay, so I don't know what I'm trying to say here... I know for sure that I'm still deep inside this insecure human being who has way too high expectations about herself and kind of the reasons that I stress so much about not being better at everything. I mean, it does drive me crazy when I'm trying to write an essay on any subject and I have to re-write it. That does kill me inside.. Literally, takes out every last piece of motivation that is left. Phew, I know that it would help to talk to someone about these super beat-myself-up-thoughts , but have not had the guts to do it. I have these moments when I have to wrap myself into my own shell and I start to doubt everything I do and everything I am. I can hereby say that I'm forever going to be a pessimist. I always have something negative on my mind. Sometimes all I can come to think of is negative. This state of mind happens when I'm super stressed and I do hate it. The weird feeling of having to throw up, but it actually never happens. To top it all off, I start to avoid people and public places. Avoiding situations where someone will think you're weird when you haven't said a word for fifteen minutes. Instead of facing these situations I go home. Cry. Breathe. Cry some more. Then listen to some sad music. Eating myself full of sugar or something I find. Yeah, and then also the anxiety and panic on top of that. Man , I hate all that. I hope that I won't stress my brain out when I'm starting to write "the big essay". FML. Likaväl slår jag mitt huvve i väggen. Eller ba sitter på golvet och gråter. Panic attack crying is unstoppable if you don't talk to someone who can calm you the hell down. 


Okay I have no idea why I wrote this, I'm just going to stop here okay bye.



I will write you next time I have something more happy to write about. Like that will ever happen.



Bye,

Heidi


Heidi







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Hi there.

I had this dream last night, from which I don't remember anything else but the feeling I always get after it. It is a feeling of insufficiency, that I can't help the situation and that there's nothing to be done anymore.

Otherwise here is nothing new going on, I'm working five days a week and I see all the days passing by. Hell, soon it's August and I'm back studying again. I can't believe the fact that every summer goes by so fast and I haven't done anything fun. Yeah, I don't count working as fun, I just do it because of the money, hah. I'm happy to say that I'm stress free right now, it only took me two weeks to calm my nerves down after a reaaally stressful Spring.

Right now the only thing I'm slightly stressing about is the bachelor's thesis. I mean what the fuck am I going to write about or research about?!? Omg, a few people in my class has already everything figured out like always. Then again, why do I make this into such a big deal, I mean 30 pages is not that much. Okay I'm just kidding that's a freaking whole lot to write. I can't just come up with an idea two weeks before the deadline. Oh shit, my brain is just laughing at me right now because I'm such a loser. and a worrying kind. I've heard it several times, the fact that I'm a worrier and just making all decisions so difficult. Like it doesn't matter if I make some bad decisions sometimes. I just have to work on that.

Okay I will have some serious problems getting my shit together regarding the student association that I'm a member in. My position as culture- and sport liable wasn't such a great decision I made at the beginning of the year. I mean, my motivation has hit rock bottom when it comes to arrange different events. It's like the worst post you can take on in a student association board. Phew, luckily I only have to be on board until December. Hurray.


Okay bye for now,


Heidi

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Hello!

I'm back in business again. After a really relaxing Christmas holiday, I'm happy to be back studying again. Luckily I was smart enough to invest in something I've missed for couple of years now. By that I'm referring to dancing. I can feel it inside me because I have so much more energy and I feel happier.

I do somehow feel that this year will be a different in so many ways. Hopefully everything will be different in a positive way. Now I'm just waiting for spring and the sun so that I can get a little bit of color in my face. In winter I always look like a ghost who hasn't seen daylight for 50 years... Now I'm kidding, it's just how the winter effects me. But over all, my studies are going well and my life is gooood.

As my blogpost's title is saying 'dance', I have to tell you what kind of new dances I've started. It's twerking and dancehall fusion. I've never tried these dances before and after the first lessons I haven't been able to walk normally cause my thighs are sore. I'm feeling like an old grandma when I walk somewhere in public. I hope my muscles get used to this very soon. haha.




That was everything for now. Bye.



Heidi

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Time goes by too fast... I mean soon it's December. I'm so happy for gaga's new album!! I had to buy it the first day they released it in the stores. What else.. I have tons of schoolwork but that is stuffed that I'm used to. Stuff I'm not used to is people who get pregnant in my age...Yeah, one of my friends is expecting her first baby and she and her boyfriend are studying so I'm kind of wondering how that is going to turn out.. 😄 anyhow I've been thinking how it'd be if it happened to me and how terrified I would be of the thought. I do have a thought of first study-then work for a while and then kids.... maybe. Life is so unpredictable it freaks me out a bit. Also the fact that people can say that they want to have kids before a certain age makes me irritated. Just live your life here and now.. don't be so future fixated for heaven's sake..

Another thing I've been thinking about is panic attacks. Why I have them more often when I'm drunk rather than when I'm sober. The first time I had one attack was sober at the gym... Back then I thought it was a heart attack. The difference between these to is the crying. I cry during the panic attack when I'm drunk. Not that 'I cry cause I want sympathy" kind of cry. It's rather the kind of cry where it feels like your out of breath and just want somebody to come and hug you. I don't know why I'm telling you all this but it calmes me knowing that I'm not the only one having this kind of problem. So that's why I write about it, rather than be ashamed about it.


Until later,

Heidi

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Hi! I have had a lazy Sunday and done some school work. Ready for the next week, simple as that!  😊

Until laterz,

Heidi

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Hello there.


I haven't written anything for a while. I have no other excuse than lack of motivation to write about my daily life. I know that it helps me to go through my emotions and feelings. When I'm writing this I'm just being overwhelmed by everything. I feel alone in my home because there are no one I could turn to in this town with these thoughts. Well enough of this crap. I'm here in the capital this weekend because I'm going to be serving food and drinks on a "sitz" tomorrow. From what I heard we're going to get some kind of revenge from the ones organizing it. Whoopsie.. We didn't think it through when we forced the waitresses on our sitz to drink 1,5 liters of champagne haha.

So today I've been to the gym, been to the market square and to the market hall. I tasted the world's best cupcakes. One of them had Marianne on the frosting. Delicious! Perfect for procrastinating all school work. Luckily all I have tomorrow is time so I will be more productive then.

Oh and I've started taking dance classes again. This time it's a new dance style. Reggaeton! So it's pretty hard to shake that ass to be honest.

​Take care,


Heidi

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So hi.


I don't really know why I'm writing this but it's making me feel better to get it written. I have had a lot of stress recently and still have. I really have to say I'm procrastinating just to avoid everything I have to do. School deadlines and now this new tutoring thing which involves a lot of planning and writing. Then I start overthinking and then I come home crying with a feeling my chest is going to explode. *almost a panic attack* So yeah there you go. That was last week.

I had my first panic attack two months ago and I didn't know what it was about. I was at the gym at the moment and thought I would have a heart attack or something until I realized that everything had to do with panic. I think that my panic and stuff has had to do with stress and me thinking I'm failing every essay because one failed and I have to write it again.  That failure feeling is really the worst. All these 'what if'-thoughts is killing me inside. And the worst thing I have experienced was being drunk and getting a panic attack. Maybe I shouldn't drink when I feel like crap. But whatever if people cry in public? I mean it's nothing wrong with that... people just stare and think WTF is wrong with that girl? Well, let's be clear here.. Life isn't dancing on roses and those who really think that they should open their eyes and realize that life isn't like in the movies.....

I'm fine, everything is ok..... No I'm not okay always.. Last time I felt like shit was yesterday and I felt like I could throw...

So dear readers, if there are any, I will be much happier when I have written every deadline which are too many right now, I will try to be happy about summer. Although I don't have a summer job. I'm just going to relax and not stress about aaaaanyything... Such an honest post.. wish I had written about this sooner. 




So long,



Heidi

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Hello!


Last time I wrote something here was about two months ago. Haha.

I have been working in a kindergarten for three weeks and yesterday we had our last lecture before the summer holiday! Those three weeks in the kindergarten was wonderful and made me more convinced that I've chosen the right subject to study. Children are so cute.

I only have a few deadlines left and then I'm free from the stress.

I'm really excited because I'll be tutoring the new first-year students next fall! I'm looking forward to it.


See you later,



Heidi


I have to recommend this place, Lone star restaurant in Turku.

Nice views in Ruissalo!

I just got to say I love this song ♥ here's a link to my own video from their concert --->

 https://www.dropbox.com/s/5p21sui9tw26izf/20160416_230337.mp4?dl=0 

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Hello!


So here's a recap of everything what I've been doing these past few weeks. I thought it would be nice with pictures instead of me writing humbug. I've celebrated my birthday with my friends here in Helsinki and in Turku. Last weekend was really fun with L and J. I've also bought new shoes, high heels in fact and new overall badges which I should glue onto the overall when I have got the time.


But now back to studying!



Take care,



Heidi​

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