Hi I’m sitting here in the middle north of Sweden the light goes down at 2 a clock in the afternoon. I’ve been here for two days now and it’s already driving me crazy. I have no idea what time it is and I just feel like sleeping all the time. People here are also a bit weird I came to see my family and spend time with them and my friends but I haven’t seen anyone so far... everyone is out on there things but no one invites me to join them or anything. It makes me a bit sad. They all know I’m here to see them to spend time with them but no one wants to see me. It breaks my heart a bit. I go crazy here sitting in my house alone with me thoughts and all the memories. Beside this I do really remember why I moved from here. This morning I wanted to go to the gym in the city but it wasn’t so easy. I have a car that I got to borrow from my dads company. It was really nice of them. But this morning I unlocked the car but the doors had frozen completely so it was impossible to get in. I hade to go back in and take the keys to the horse vane instead. I started the car and realized the window was completely frozen and no ice scraper to be found anywhere. When I finally got the ice away I tried to put the gears in. But the reverse was stuck and I couldn’t go anywhere. I really don’t understand how people cope. In the end I got it going but it was not so easy. So sense 5 I’ve been sitting here alone in this massive house watching tv and just waiting to be tiered to fall a sleep. I don’t belong anywhere in Barcelona my partner always are very angry with me and think that I want bad things for him. Witch is not true. We can’t communicate and always fighting and I’m crying. I feel so bad. I don’t have any friends to talk to about this and my family are only interested in themselves so they don’t want to listen to me. So believe me when I’m saying that I miss John so so much he was my reason to live but now I got no reason anymore 😔 no one cares anyway. I would do anything in life to have him back in my life. There are no more guys in this world like him and I’ll be forever alone. I feel like I don’t belong anywhere and I have no purpose on earth anymore. And if I stay in the country for a long time I’ll go crazy for real.
Happy holidays folks. Bless u all ❤️

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I hear a lot of people saying that 2017 is the worst year they've had. But be careful cuz u never know what's about to come. I agree 2017 is a very bad year for many people with a lot of terrorism and things.
2012 I though I had a bad bad year. I lost a lot horses people and had so so many problems all that year. So on New Year's Eve I stood in the stable along with some friends and we were talking about what a shot year we've had. Little did we now what was yet to come... we said that next year can't be worse it has to be better. The next morning 1/1-13 we woke up to a flooded house. It was water everywhere and most of our things were destroyed. We were renovating the house and the builders had taken off the roof. But cuz we live in Sweden where it's snowing they but a plastic to cover it up with and that normally works. But cuz of the have snow we've had and then the change in temperature in just a few hours all the snow melted and got so so heavy on the plastic so it broke and the water was just poring in from the roof it was like it was raining inside. We said ok god sorry for hoping for a better tomorrow. Two days later came the biggest hit of them all Jon died!! It's nearly 5 years ago but it still feels weird to say it out loud. So my point is never think u have a bad day or a bad year unless the person u love the most in this world dies, it can get worse. I sometimes thinks that I had a "bad" day but in the end of the day no one died so it's not so bad after all. It's important to put things in prospective. The night when he died, about 1h before he died I thought I had a really bad day and I was a bit upset for how everything that day had turned out. But atletas I had him I had the love of my life. But 1 h later he was gone and my nightmare started. Nearly 5 years has gone bye and I still can't feel true happiness. I feel that I have nothing to live for. Maybe one day I'll find something again and that's what keeps me going. And I hope he stands by my side every day I really really hope so 💔rip my love 😪I miss u deeply

  • Jon

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I'm so sad and disappointed in the human raise. Everyone keeps failing me. The only one who keeps by my side is Isaac and my family ofc but in this world it's not enough I need someone I can trust and who wants to work with me and not living me in the shit in the end of the day. I have this girl a chance! A chance to a good life with money and somewhere to live. I treated her good and with respect even tho her job was not the best. But I believe in people and I trust them to be faithful to me and committed to there work but clearly I'm wrong agin... one day this will make me give up my work and my passion for this sport and animal. I really really trying to reach my dream and my goals in life but each time when I get somewhere i fall back to square one again. It's so exhausting and for some of u it might sound stupid and pathetic but for me it's a big big issue in life. I trust in people and I expect the same from them...

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26/6 2013 was supposed to be my wedding day... it was my dream. A dream I had been waiting for for my whole life. A big white wedding 👰🏼 where I was supposed to say I do to the man of my dreams. I had everything planed I knew exactly how I wanted it in the smallest detail. But it never happened. One week before he died I sat with the wedding dress thinking about if I should order it or not. But something made me wait. Maybe I was thinking I was gonna found a better one I don't know. And then he died! He died!!!! I don't know how many times I have said this out loud and every time it feels just so unreal. It like a story a story that was told when u were a kid but with no happily ever after ending. I still can't believe it. It hasn't happened. It I can't figure out what was the dream. My life with him or my life right now. Cuz one of them is not true. Today I've been crying all day. It's 9 years ago sense I met him now. 9 years!!!! And I'm still sitting here alone no wedding no husband. Why did this happen? I was happy. We were happy. I can't stop crying and every year seems to be worse.
How do u get over this? I don't know I have tried everything. Nothing works and I feel like my life is falling away from me. Today was my wedding day but it never happened... 😭

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Ever movie has something that reminds me of my past some more than others. Tonight I watched a movie about a girl who lost both her parents as a young girl and how she grow up without them. How traumatized she was. I know I had a good life and I'm grateful for that. But I'm also traumatized. The things I've seen the things I lived through and how I ever day carrying everything with me and how it affects my life... this movie was about the girl how she in her youth was trying to fill her hole in her heart and soul with alcohol and boys.. different boys all the time. I didn't used to drink. I didn't drink for many many years... and then he died.. it's horrible but alcohol is a quick way to make u feel better for a wile. It makes u forget. So u drink, and u feel better. So u drink again and again... later h feel lonely so u want company. Boys are easier then girls. They don't ask questions. They don't ask why u want company or why u look sad. And they don't stay around to make sure u r ok. So then u start all over again.
I know it's sad but it's not just a movie it was my life for a time as well. And it's many girls reality all over. But it makes u feel better for a wile and it helps u forget.
Life is cruel and it's so unfair. U might look on someone and think "god she has it all" or "she has everything I want" but it's not true. We all fight a battle every day. But every day I go up I try to put a smile on I hide my pain and I keep fighting for a brighter tomorrow and the future I so desperately want. Cuz that's the only way I know how to survive... and that's what he would have wanted me to do. But it's hard... and I cry everyday. Mostly in silence at night or under my sunglasses but my heart is still bleeding! Maybe u are jealous of me but trust me u don't want my life u don't want to walk in my shoes everyday. I only try to survive. And doing the things that keep me going. That keeps me alive. And that puts a smile on my face. We all need to smile. So before u say something bad about me or to me. Try to walk in my shoes and remember your words could kill me!
I love u Jon now and forever. Xxx

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Sometimes I just cry and cry and cry. As it seams for no reason.. but it can be a movie a song a smell or a memory. Tonight was the first time in my life cried so much so I wanted to go to my parents.. but I know it's no point. They won't understand... my mom would say something really un sensitive and my dad would be angry for some of the things I would say...
For all my new readers if there is any, I lost my fiancé 4 years ago! The love of my life! He died in my arms at the age of 27! I watched him die and it's the hardest thing I can ever imagine! We were planing our wedding it was only 6 months away when he died. It changed me and it changed my life forever. I'll never be the same again. I'm trying to make a life for me and I'm putting my whole heart and soul into my profession to be something and to make him proud of me. But it's so hard to live every day without him! He was my soulmate and i would do anything in the world to have one more day with him...
😪xoxo / H

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