26/6 2013 was supposed to be my wedding day... it was my dream. A dream I had been waiting for for my whole life. A big white wedding 👰🏼 where I was supposed to say I do to the man of my dreams. I had everything planed I knew exactly how I wanted it in the smallest detail. But it never happened. One week before he died I sat with the wedding dress thinking about if I should order it or not. But something made me wait. Maybe I was thinking I was gonna found a better one I don't know. And then he died! He died!!!! I don't know how many times I have said this out loud and every time it feels just so unreal. It like a story a story that was told when u were a kid but with no happily ever after ending. I still can't believe it. It hasn't happened. It I can't figure out what was the dream. My life with him or my life right now. Cuz one of them is not true. Today I've been crying all day. It's 9 years ago sense I met him now. 9 years!!!! And I'm still sitting here alone no wedding no husband. Why did this happen? I was happy. We were happy. I can't stop crying and every year seems to be worse.
How do u get over this? I don't know I have tried everything. Nothing works and I feel like my life is falling away from me. Today was my wedding day but it never happened... 😭

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Ever movie has something that reminds me of my past some more than others. Tonight I watched a movie about a girl who lost both her parents as a young girl and how she grow up without them. How traumatized she was. I know I had a good life and I'm grateful for that. But I'm also traumatized. The things I've seen the things I lived through and how I ever day carrying everything with me and how it affects my life... this movie was about the girl how she in her youth was trying to fill her hole in her heart and soul with alcohol and boys.. different boys all the time. I didn't used to drink. I didn't drink for many many years... and then he died.. it's horrible but alcohol is a quick way to make u feel better for a wile. It makes u forget. So u drink, and u feel better. So u drink again and again... later h feel lonely so u want company. Boys are easier then girls. They don't ask questions. They don't ask why u want company or why u look sad. And they don't stay around to make sure u r ok. So then u start all over again.
I know it's sad but it's not just a movie it was my life for a time as well. And it's many girls reality all over. But it makes u feel better for a wile and it helps u forget.
Life is cruel and it's so unfair. U might look on someone and think "god she has it all" or "she has everything I want" but it's not true. We all fight a battle every day. But every day I go up I try to put a smile on I hide my pain and I keep fighting for a brighter tomorrow and the future I so desperately want. Cuz that's the only way I know how to survive... and that's what he would have wanted me to do. But it's hard... and I cry everyday. Mostly in silence at night or under my sunglasses but my heart is still bleeding! Maybe u are jealous of me but trust me u don't want my life u don't want to walk in my shoes everyday. I only try to survive. And doing the things that keep me going. That keeps me alive. And that puts a smile on my face. We all need to smile. So before u say something bad about me or to me. Try to walk in my shoes and remember your words could kill me!
I love u Jon now and forever. Xxx

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Sometimes I just cry and cry and cry. As it seams for no reason.. but it can be a movie a song a smell or a memory. Tonight was the first time in my life cried so much so I wanted to go to my parents.. but I know it's no point. They won't understand... my mom would say something really un sensitive and my dad would be angry for some of the things I would say...
For all my new readers if there is any, I lost my fiancé 4 years ago! The love of my life! He died in my arms at the age of 27! I watched him die and it's the hardest thing I can ever imagine! We were planing our wedding it was only 6 months away when he died. It changed me and it changed my life forever. I'll never be the same again. I'm trying to make a life for me and I'm putting my whole heart and soul into my profession to be something and to make him proud of me. But it's so hard to live every day without him! He was my soulmate and i would do anything in the world to have one more day with him...
😪xoxo / H

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