Here I come crawling back again. Haven't written in months and I have a feeling that the last things I posted were downers. My life has been very dramatic and I'm at a point where I'm just starting to recover from it. Relationships, travelling back and forth, jobs and finally deciding to move to Brighton. I think I can just rest down here for a bit and then maybe build myself up again or whatever. I'm doing ok.

The school I'm working at now is quite different from the one in Oxford so I'm learning some new things. But it's yet too early to tell how things are going to be like because apparently this place explodes in September when the students come back. I want to see how that's like because at the moment the residence is pretty empty. I live in a room quite close to my office for now. I am supposed to get a flat sometime next month. I am looking forward to that because it's no use getting settled in if you know you're going to move immediately. So once that's in order I'll start creating a home or something. I don't like my room very much. It's alright and all, but stuff is everywhere (again, no need to unpack my stuff) and the window is painted grey so I don't accidentally expose myself or something, because my room is on the ground floor.

I have started taking ukulele lessons so I can finally start playing something that has more than three chords (four and I'm a rockstar, right?). I found a good teacher on top of a massive hill. When I walked there the first time, google maps made it look like a walk in the park... well, there was a park, actually, but after one kilometer of walking at a 30 degree angle. I was spent when I got there! But I learned a lot so I'm definitely going back.! I also took a singing lesson, but the teacher advised me to go to another teacher, because she was a bit intimidated by the fact that I've taken lessons for some years before. But she didn't give me my money back xD So yeah, I'll have to keep looking. I'm already in touch with another potential singing teacher, so I hope that works out.

I'm going to sound a bit cheesy now, but I'm kinda happy to be in this uncertain stage in life. New place, new job, new everything. I've been terrified and felt lonely, but that's just one of those things that grows on you once you start thinking you're all alone and stuff. I can't change the world in day. All I can do is tell everyone that bugs me to chill down, because that's where I am now. Resting in the unknown. At least I'm doing something I like - working with international students. I like indulging in their lives and feeling like you're making a difference and you learn from their cultures. A saudi arabian boy has taught me fascinating stuff about the Grand Mosque in Mecca. Apparently people walk seven laps around a giant cube (Kaba) in the centre. And this morning a russian boy sat down to have breakfast with me and told me that if the weather drops to below -30°C, students under 10 years old don't have to go to school. For the rest of the students, it's if temperature falls below -50°C! And he said that the worst thing you can do is blaming public transport for being late, because everyone else who came on time will of course call bulls*it. And last week I spoke to a German girl about someone in her life being overprotective and we had a good conversation about it and the next day she came back and said she had called said person to come over because she missed that person. So yeah, this is why I'm here.

Bye Oxford...

Hi Brighton!

//Findus Krantz

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Hi everyone,

You've probably noticed I like making lists about stuff. The truth is that sometimes adding stuff together makes more sence as a whole than just individual stuff. And lately I've felt uncomfortable about these kinds of comments, because there's just nu proper way of responding to them.

Exhibit A: Stating a season to your clothes.

Friend: Is that a new dress?

Me: Yes! Yes it is.

Friend: It's very... summery.

WHAT. DOES. THAT. MEAN?! I get it if it's a super warm day and you add something positive to the statement, like "I like it - it's very summery!". This gets even more confusing if it's said only as a statement AND there's no sun out (or not, in fact, summer). Am I supposed to apologize if it's not summer? I like flowers. So what? Now, you're probably thinking "omg, Findus, you are sooo sensitive". I guess I don't like feeling like I am left out. Does anyone? But, yeah, this really does confuse me. At least add a smile or something so I know it's not just said as a statement. At least that gives me a direction on what to answer. Or something... hmm. I actually don't know how much that helps. Am I even making sense?

Exhibit B: "Faith in humanity RESTORED"

Okay, so this is usually used online in forms of memes, but still. People seem impressed by the smallest things (I guess this is a good thing too, but nevertheless confusing to me).

*Picture of a car nicely parked* - "FAITH IN HUMANITY RESTORED".

Call me cynical... but is THAT something restoring your faith in a world full of racism, white privilege, patriarchy, inequality and violence. Someone who fucking knows how to park... Ignorance is bliss indeed. By all means, show me REAL stuff to make you feel warm at heart. Proper parking is not enough for this bitter lady xD

//Findus Krantz

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Here I am again. Sitting listening to the same song over and over again like I did in my days of teenage angst. So much is the same like then, yet diferent. I want to skip to the end, know the answer and yet still learn my lesson. Life is so surreal. It feels like someone lead me astray with a nice offer that then lead me straight into a cage. The cage then opened up somewhere else and although you're happy to be out, you just want things to go back to the way they were. But where you happy or where you in need of something to lead you astray in the first place?

Questions like these are the reason I'm not alright. Among the reasons. I just feel so fooled somehow. Like this wasn't what I signed up for. I know I just have to hold on until I move to Brighton in a month. But I'm scared. Will I be happy there or feel even worse? Can I be happy anywhere or am I destined to come back to the same place over and over. I hope I can just flip to the end and someone could tell me things will be alright, but actually knowing it will and not just saying it. I am overwhelmed easily these days. When you've been boiling under a lid for a while, anything that closes the air around you just a tiny but will make it boil over. So sometimes I just want a temporary sollution to release the pressure just a little bit. Overdosing on caffeine and anxiety pills and drinking with friends. Because if I laugh just once in a day the day wasn't worthless and I can continue. Living is a lot like writing. Some days there's a lot going in and you know that you've had an important day. Or at least a productive day. Other days you have to force yourself to take the tiniest step and then you push yourself to continue, because what's the alternative? Word after word after word. Repeat.

Get older. Get wiser. Learn. At least you're not 15 anymore. Forget the pain. Forget the hurt. Ignore the faces in the windows, it's never who you think it is.

//Findus Krantz

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