Here we go. One of those uncomfortable, overly honest updates. Bare with me.
I'm depressed again. I am going through some changes now and I am not sure how to deal with it and all of a sudden I realize I'm not myself anymore. People start making weird comments about how I look (please don't do this as it makes me feel self conscious and sad) and some people start avoiding me all together (the latter is way more appreciated).
To me it just comes naturally to notice if someone who is upset wants to talk or if he/she wants to be alone. But I can't help but feel both anger and distress towards people who call you out in public or say insensitive stuff like "you look sad/tired". Thanks... I know... Do you hear me commenting on your bad posture, dirty shoes or your wrinkly shirt? No... exactly. That is the last thing I want to hear. Take me aside and ask if I want to talk/need a hug or something like that and do not wave in front of my face if you see me spacing out. I need to space out every now and then and allow my mind to rest.
I think just became like a list of what to do and what not to do. That wasn't my original intention. I'm talking to a friend about it right now. Somehow our depressions always synchronise (and don't you DARE suggest something like "autumn depression"; it's patronising... as if there isn't a legit reason behind it).
I am not going to filter anything. If you ask me how I am I will say that I am sad, usually followed by a "I don't want to talk about it". This is not to push you away; it is because I'm not ready or that I'm afraid of what you will say. If you say something insensitive about it I will not be kind back and pretend like it didn't hurt my feelings. I can however say:
I hope this depression will be kind to me. Not make me lose weight or straighten out my hair too much. I hope I will sleep properly and that people will not be mean about it. I also hope I won't think about the past too much. Everything usually tends to build up like a snow ball. Or it's more like... like everything that makes you sad or anxious get their own glass figurine sitting on a shelf. One figurine for a bad up growth, one for relationship problems, one for not feeling appreciated at work, one for feeling like you and a friend are drifting apart, one for worrying about your future etc. And eventually the shelf is so heavy it's starting to come off it's hinges. You keep telling yourself you can handle it because at this point you've been through so much you think "ah, that's nothing". But then eventually one figurine falls off, and another one, and another one... and eventually the entire shelf just crashes to the ground and you realize how much time you spent putting them there... on display. Maybe you just put them there because you felt like you didn't have the time or energy to deal with it. Maybe you thought "I'm gonna keep a straight face an pretend like these doesn't bother me". Regardless it's not your fault. You did what you thought was best at the time.
After so many years of struggling with mental problems I have finally learned that you can't avoid the problems or keep them at bay. I'm always gonna feel like this every now and then. It's just who I am. It may sound dramatic, but I feel like I can rest in this condition and be true to myself. A part of me is blaming myself and saying "after all these years of therapy you should be fine!". But I am doing my best to not think like that. I am not fine right now, but I'm sure I will be. I'm gonna have bad days and good days. All I need is space. Thank you for reading this. I care about you.