Dear eating disorder.
It’s been a while.
I’ve been trying my hardest not to listen to you. I’m trying not to take your calls, to not read your messages, but it’s really hard not to listen, to block you out, when you keep screaming in my head. You’re never quiet. Why? Why can’t you shut up, just for a minute?
You came to me, you chose me when I was 14, eager to tell me how ugly, fat, useless and unwanted I was. Since then, you haven't left. Why? Why can’t you find someone else to torture? Why can’t you make yourself feel this way instead? You make me hate myself, you make me do inhuman things.
Dear eating disorder, you are my worst nightmare. You make me my own nightmare. You make me lie to my friends, family and boyfriend. You hurt everyone around me, almost as much as you’re hurting me. You make me hide my food, tell everyone I’ve already eaten, count my calories and stick my fingers down my throat. Why do you do that? Can’t you see it’s unhealthy?
I go to bed with anxiety and I wake up with anxiety. I can’t focus, read or stay awake in class. You make me feel this way. And the worst part... you love it. It makes you satisfied. You tell me it’s ok. That it should be this way, that it’s all worth it. To look like the girl in the magazines, that doesn’t even look like the girl in the magazine. Because you tell me that’s perfection. You force me to think that way.
You force me to throw up my dinner. You make me cry myself to sleep. You make me weigh myself 20 times a day. You make me restrict, binge, fast and you make me drained. You make me so drained. I can’t walk up the stairs at home without feeling dizzy. I can’t laugh for more than a few seconds until my empty, foodless stomach turns. You won’t let me eat more than some nuts, a fruit or a piece of bread a day. It leaves me shaky, tired and hungry. So hungry, all the time. Don’t you realize that? Why are you making me do this? I have low blood sugar all the time, I could pass out any minute now. I have night sweats, I feel sick. I am sick. You MAKE me sick.
Why won’t you let me eat healthy and exercise, like someone my age would do if they wanted to lose weight? Why won’t you let me lose the weight YOU think I need to get rid of, in a natural way?
You won’t let me, you tell me it won’t help, and dear eating disorder, you are smart. Because you know exactly what to tell me. You know the right words to stir up certain emotions in me, and it works. All the time. Because I listen to you.
I don’t want to disapoint you, because I know how you will make me feel, and the things you will make me do. And I’m not strong unless you make me. You give me power, self esteem and happiness when I don’t eat, when I stay away from food. When I run until my legs fall and everything is spinning. When I’m weak. You make me strong when I’m weak.
You are my worst nightmare because I trust you, because I follow your words, because i depend on you, because you’re everything I am, because you are ... me.
And that makes me scared to death, because you can’t leave. How can you hide from yourself? How do I hide from myself?