I'm sick. Sore throat, coughing, hacking, my voice is suddenly very low and raspy. My mom was like look Minnie Mouse is gone! I asked her if I sound sexy now and she said yes. Thanks mom. ;) But forreal. It sucks. So in April, my mom got sick, then my sister, then my dad, then my sister again, and she got so sick that she developed an ear infection and had to take antibiotics for it and it was kind of hilarious. HOWEVER. Because she took those anti's, her immune system was lowered, and she got sick again (mildly this time) with a cold or some such, and SHE GOT ME SICK. I LIVED IN THAT HOME WITH THREE SICK PEOPLE AND DID NOT CATCH A THING, AND I GET SICK NOOOOOW? Give me a break. But I've been so sick the past two days that I missed my scheduled pill times and now I'm off. I don't like it because I am already off (usually) because I don't fill the scrapts the same day, I do it later when I can get to walmart because it's the closest place that takes medicaid. No big deal. But now I'm like a whole week off from my appts. It's minor. It's minor. I know.  But holy hell does that bother me. This post is all over the place, I'm sorry. But back to me being sick. It's a little funny because not taking the Vyvanse for two days in a row made me sort of instantly irritable and I was like overreacting to everything and my family was like literally cleaning up after me. At one point, I was scooping some green beans up on to my plate to eat and one fell on the floor and I was just this dramatic, devastated person. Like it sent me over the edge and I was about to cry because everything was awful and my sister is like "It's okay, sissy it's okay, it didn't even happen, see? No bean on the floor. It didn't even happen." She picked it up and threw it away while I was busy cursing everything in my life. My family is so patient. Anyway, here's a picture of me where I accidentally turned into a mermaid. Mermaid hair nails oops I mean, look at that hair. Those nails? TOTALLY MERMAID HAIR AND NAILS.

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picstitchIt looks even brighter in the sun. I LOVE IT. MUCH BETTER. I'm gonna take even more pictures to show how fucking bright it is! Also here's the results of my totally awesome henna tattoo I gave myself and let flake off naturally: Photo I had to edit that picture to even get you to see that there is a slight orange tint on my skin. Note to self: The mix you choose to use for your hair will not stain your skin as much, because you decided lemon juice was too much for your already damaged hair. You dumbo.

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So. It's May. I have since been upped to 60mg of Vyvanse. I think it's really working. I take it in combination with 50mg Zoloft and I no longer have any irritability issues. I also haven't had any problems with my stomach or anything. Still steadily losing weight, and my Dr is definitely going to say something soon, which is soooo upsetting. I like being thinner! I still have my ups and downs with depression, but it's not as often as it used to be, so I think I'm getting better. I really just need things to do, otherwise I feel useless and just beat myself up. Anxiety is still being managed with Klonopin and it's still kind of out of nowhere. I can't hear anything. Heh. It's happened before; for like 1-2 weeks, my ears just decide they only want to work at half-speed and so I'm going around all "What? WHAT? Wait are you talking? Crap. Wait say that first part again? I didn't know you were talking to me," And so on. They don't feel any different than normal. Nothing is changed, but now I can't hear as well and in a week or so it'll suddenly clear up and whatever. It's super bizarre. Not bizarre enough for me to go to the doctor for it though! Bleh. So here I sit, with another 20 pounds of henna on my head to fix/enhance the first batch. I used a different recipe too. And I made more, but I ended up with leftovers, but not enough for another application so I stuck it in a bottle (and also used a toothpick) and drew a design on my arm. IMG_1678 It's so bad! Hahahahah I am definitely not a henna artist.

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I know I said I would resume posting regularly again, but I decided to wait for this last appointment of April here and then I could give you a big 'ole round-up of what's been going on. It's tomorrow, so even though I know you are all so desperately waiting on me (heh) I'll be posting my experiences again soon. Until then, have this picture. I call it: stop yelling at yourself FullSizeRender copy The picture is very grainy because I am too impatient to find the best light settings on my iPhone so I just picked one and said fuck it, you can see me, you can see the sky, you can see enough basic details, we're good. I will also tell you that I have since henna-ed my hair after that picture was taken and It Is Quite Bright. Also, it is incredibly difficult to do and it smells terrible and I had a headache from the smell of it plus twenty pounds of goop on my head for several hours. And as usual, the same spots I always miss (OR INSANELY don't seem to take ANY hair color) are still dark blonde. So once this oxidizes I am going to do a small "retouch batch" to fix these spots. And I think next tome I won't use any lemon juice. Or maybe just a tiny amount. My hair was already very damaged because I dye it a lot, but it feels dry as hell right now. Need to get to some deep conditioning, yo. Fortunately I never feel better than when I am a redhead so the brightness doesn't bother me. I just need to get used to the henna process, fine-tune my method for what works best for me. PS: I think I accidentally splatter-henna-ed some more freckles on my arms. Hahaha! :)

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In descending order, I give you: Why I've Been Gone for Basically a Month.
  1. Here's the thing about living in-between mountains. Any and all service is completely unreliable. Cell phone service? Internet? Television? Don't count on it. Don't rely on it. Make sure you have other things you can do at all times because you never know if you will have service.
    1. My point is, for our wonderful mountain valley, the internet went out for everyone in roughly a 20 mile radius. I mean, it's like the internet was deleted for everyone. You couldn't get it through cable, satellite... other common methods...People couldn't even connect to the internet using their 3G/4G/etc. service on their phones. Occasionally you'd hear about someone getting service on their phones and it'd be dial-up-era slow.
  2. After nearly two weeks, the internet got fixed. I don't know how, I don't even understand how it was gone, but it was fixed. Well, this outage fell during our pay the bills time and since we didn't actually have internet, my mother was not reminded to pay the bill. (And we were kiiind of behind on that to begin with.) So when it came back, we hadn't paid, and we still didn't have internet.
  3. My phone doesn't actually have a data plan. I've never been able to use my phone for internets unless there was wifi available for me.
  4. Lastly, by the time our internet was reinstated, I'd fallen out of habit of blogging. I'd sit in bed and think huh, I could be blogging right now, but I wouldn't get up and do it because once I break a habit, it is incredibly hard to get back into the swing of things.
IMG_1671 Here's a screenshot of my phone right now. I'm sitting in my room and it says I don't have cell service. There's no reason for this! I don't have a dead spot in my room, I normally have full range in my apartment. Mountains just suck. Regular posts to begin again. I promise. Well, I promise I'll try.

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Well. So I haven't posted in over a week now. Sorry. I think I'm my own worst enemy at the moment. I am so scared of spiraling downward that I am probably sending myself down that very spiral. I need to be more positive. I need to. I need to stop being so hard on myself and I need to stop being so negative with myself. It's hard. It's very defeating. I don't want to do anything because I am psyching myself out. I've got a Dr. appointment tomorrow, so there'll be an update then. And now, here's the late weekly update. My appetite has dwindled down to total zero. I have switched from attempting "reminder meals" to grazing, because actual "meals" are just too much. It's too much food and it makes me nauseated as hell and then I don't end up eating. If I just graze, sometimes I still feel nauseated but mostly I end up getting food in. I know I have weight issues, but I'm NOT looking to be anorexic and just not eat altogether. Do I like that I'm losing weight? ABSOLUTELY. But I'm not trying to risk my health, I'm not trying to use this as a means to be perfectly skinny and wonderful. It seems that switching my eating tactics is working because I was dropping pretty steadily and now that has stalled. I don't know what to do about tomorrow, however, because I've lost a lot in three weeks and I don't know what my Dr. is going to say about it. It's unfortunate because I still feel really optimistic about this Vyvanse and it just sucks that I might be taken off it. On a different note, I've only had one instance of complete, total irritability. I think this light dose of Zoloft is working well for that. Thankfully! I actually subbed for 3rd graders the other day because I felt comfortable and that I could do it without getting angry or having some outburst on some poor little kids. I don't believe in prayers or anything, but if you do feel free to send some positive energy my way. I could really use some positive energy sucking superpower right now. Just be all like oh, you're super happy? SSSSHHHHLLLLLLLUUUUUKKKKKKK thank you for your energy buh-bye.

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I can already hear you all groaning at my latest complaint. I can hear it. You're like "Erin, of all the things to complain about, this is such BS. You're a bitch."                     As far as side effects go, my worst one is... the fact that I don't get hungry at all, and I have to ask people if I've eaten anything.                   I know, I know! It's ridiculous. I have a love/hate relationship with it. I mean, who wouldn't love never feeling hungry? But I do know that my body cannot sustain itself that way and I have to eat something or else a week from now I'll have no energy and a massive headache and wonder what's wrong with myself. HMMMMMM. I do enjoy my brain now. it's like, I can do anything! But I also feel myself sort of slipping into depression-mode, and I am so insanely terrified of what might happen if I find myself depressed and motivated. I've mentioned this before. It's still just a big fear of mine right now. I still don't have any irritable outbursts. Except when it comes to my upstairs neighbors. Speaking of whom, they are killing me. I just don't understand how you can let your kid scream his head off at you or at his xbox all while knowing you are having "sound" issues with your surrounding neighbors. SERIOUSLY? And how can you still drop shit constantly and move furniture constantly (?!? WTF is up with that, though) and vacuum after midnight constantly. They piss me the fuck off and I have never, never been so mad at neighbors before. It's an apartment building! You don't live in a house, so you HAVE to be considerate of other people.

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You will never believe it. IT'S FRIDAY THE 13TH AGAAAAIIIINNNN! Because the last one was in February so that means the days are exactly the same! Yay! Unfortunately, this comes with some bad news. My black cat, who was plotting mischievously last month on Friday the 13th... kittyfri13-edit appears to have escalated her plans. Today, I caught her walking under a totally not pretend barstool-turned ladder, and with a hammer next to a mirror, clearly intending to smash it. She's devious, I tell you! IMG_1607 Sneaking around... IMG_1618 Oh no! She's been caught!

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I skipped two whole days of blogging! What a tragedy*** for you guys! You must have been devastated! Just kidding. Truth is, I've just been sick. Caught a cold or something and I've been laying in bed all day Mon/Tue shivering my ass off and since that's boring as ALL HELL I got up and wrapped a blanket around myself to keep warm while still sitting at my computer.

*** Side note: I actually wrote "travesty" here first, but it didn't look right. So I googled it and it totally does not mean what I thought it meant. The weird thing is, every time I've heard it being said, they used it as "something terrible, tragedy, devastating" etc. A few entries down on UrbanDictionary confirms this, but wow. I've basically been using this word wrong my entire life. End side note. :)

So I found out something completely MAJOR about my dad. When we lived in CA, we used to go camping a lot. I loved camping. It was great. I loved playing outside in the forest/woods and playing in the water of waterfalls and trying to catch critters to bring home. Well, there was one camping trip that we took with uh... three or four of my dad's "friends". Quotes because my dad... I dunno. He's doesn't particularly like like these people (or anyone really) but he also doesn't like having no friends so he still associates with people he love/hates. Anyway, we went camping with them. My sister's gotta be 3 or 4, so that makes me about 9 or 10 at the time. Apparently, completely unbeknownst to me, his friends brought mushrooms (yes, the magical drug kind) on the trip. My dad partook with his friends while my mom watched after my sister and I. I couldn't believe it! My dad let it slip in a conversation a few days ago, and my mom clearly still disapproves. As in, she wants to pretend it never even happened because otherwise she just gets mad at my dad. It's not like at that age I was to know what someone high as fuck was like, but apparently there was a lot of laughing and goofing off and acting like they were dumb teenagers, and I don't recall that at all. I have very pleasant memories of this camping trip. I don't remember my dad being out of it or acting strangely at all. Additionally, it completely changes how I see my dad. I knew he smoked pot a lot before I was born, but he quit because my mom didn't want it around the baby (aka WONDERFUL ME) and threatened to leave my dad if he didn't stop. So, he did. I know he has since partaken a few more times, but on the whole, he's not really done pot since. I guess I've always kinda been daddy's little girl and it just shocks me to know that since my sister and I have been alive, he's actually still done drugs. In a completely recreational way, but... I don't know. I know he's human. I know he's not perfect. I don't expect him to be. I guess I just assumed that once he earned the title "dad" he stopped all the "bad" stuff and slowly began acting like a dad. Which he totally has, there's just the addition of occasional drug use. I just can't seem to wrap my mind around it. I always knew that many of my problems (anxiety, depression, addiction) stemmed from his side of the family, because there have been suicides and alcoholism and drug addiction on that side of the family. My mom's side has anxiety, too, but I think that's about it. So I knew that there was always this possibility of slipping down those roads if I wasn't careful, and hey look at that, that's exactly what happened to me. He's still the same person. Nothing's changed except what I know about him. But it doesn't feel the same. I need to find a way to incorporate this new information into the same "MY DAD" brain file I got going on.

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So this is a little different because I've only been on my new meds for 4 days now. Including today. I feel pretty okay. 40mg Vyvanse might be a good stopping point. Maybe 50mg. I probably won't need to go up to the full 70, or even past that. I'm still wearing off too quickly, so I don't know how that might affect my dosage. Like, would you lower me to 30 twice a day? That doesn't seem effective if 50mg works until it's gone... so it'd have to be 50 twice a day. And now that just seems like a lot. I know with medicaid I wouldn't even be able to do that until I fulfill certain criteria, so it's not something for me to worry about for a while anyway. The Zoloft I'm on is 25mg, I think I mentioned it before. Maybe I'm just giving myself a placebo effect, but I think it's worked right away. Just something to take to tamp down my anxiety to... more reasonable levels. I have noticed that when I realize the Vyvanse is wearing off, I no longer have that "Sudden Moody Teenager" hour where I am so completely irritable and I feel like a psycho. I mean, that experience of Vyvanse has been the worst part of my day, every day. Because it's not like I'm just going "aww, nothing is going my wayyyyyyyy" *stomp stomp stompy*. Like I'm not whiny and complaining, I am full on I WANT TO PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE YOU ARE IRRITATING ME SO MUCH RIGHT NOW. Every time someone would knock on my door or talk to me if I left my room during that "hour", I would immediately be like "WHAT. WHAA-AAT??? I DON'T CARE. LEAVE ME ALONE." [caption id="attachment_385" align="aligncenter" width="151"]Karen pout BSC Couldn't just be pouty. I felt like a monster.[/caption] And I couldn't even control it. I had a pretty good idea of when it would happen. Assuming I took my meds within the 7-8 time frame, I would turn into a monster around 2 or 3. So I just did my best to lock myself up in my room from about 2-4 in the afternoon and hope for the best. It's only been 4 days, but I don't have that anymore. The only downside is that I don't know if that is the Zoloft fixing it or the fact that I went up on Vyvanse. I haven't mentioned my weight in a bit, I think. It's because I haven't steadily been losing weight. When I bumped up to 30mg, I dropped about 3lbs instantly, I think, and then I've been pretty steady. I think it's because even though I don't eat a lot (I never really ate a lot, but I eat even less now,) what I do eat is junk food. I love candy. It's still candy season so there's still shaped Reese's to buy and the Lindor Truffles are still doing the milk chocolate with white filling. Yesterday we found a place that happened to sell fudge so I bought some peanut butter fudge and it was delicious and worth it even though it was probably 4000 calories in the slice. Well, along those lines, I've lost two pounds since bumping to 40mg, and then nothing. Maybe it's the candy. Maybe my body adjusts to the weight loss side-effect quickly. I'm terrified that the Zoloft will make me gain weight. When I got home after filling the prescraption, literally the first thing I did was hop on my computer and look up "Zoloft weight loss gain" to see what the general consensus was. It's terrible. The consensus was basically 50/50! Some websites would say "Generally ____, ____, and zoloft are least likely to cause weight gain" and others would say "Zoloft can cause a weight gain of 10lbs or more"! I know it's because everyone is different and some people have effects that others don't, but there isn't even a real like agreement. From what I've gathered on Actual-Factual Real Medical Websites, regular forums, and other normal websites that may or may not be facts, you can fall into three groups. 1. Gained weight. 2. Lost weight. 3. No weight change. And it's fairly even and random on which group you will fall into. No group is larger than the other. That's so terrible! I hate, HATE not knowing. All I can do is pray that I do not gain weight because of this. (Or eat less to offset the weight gain. Y'know. That.) Remember those cute little Zoloft ads with the little Zoloft balls? zoloft_hill_group MAYBE THEY WOULDN'T BE FAT LITTLE BALLS IF THEY WEREN'T TAKING ALL THAT ZOLOFT. MAYBE THEY WOULD BE CUTE LITTLE STICK FIGURES OR SOMETHING LESS EXTREME THAN STICK FIGURES BECAUSE THAT SOUNDS LIKE I AM advocating for skin and bones -- anorexia-style and really I am not. Anorexia is serious. I just can't think of anything in between balls and stick figure drawings. FIN.

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