It is really late and I cannot really go to sleep. I have so much going on in my head, so many thoughts wandering around making me nervous, anxious and worst of all - making me feel like a complete useless piece of shit.
My friends say that I am being to harsh on myself and that I should be more positive, but the thing is that I am trying to be positive - I am positive on the outside, but on the inside I am dragging myself down so bad that I might not be able to cover it up anymore on the outside. My boyfriend has experienced it a lot lately, especially at night before I go to sleep, because that is when I am at my worst.
I used to sleep with loud music so that I would not be able to hear my own thoughts. Not really the best solution, but it helped at the time. I try to reason with myself that I am thinking way too much and that I should be going easier on myself, but easier said than done, right?
Things might be better in the near future though. I was at a job interview today for another part-time job. So if it goes well I will have two part-time jobs and more money to live on. I might be able to buy my family better gifts this Christmas, and maybe I will finally be able to give my mom an extra gift for being so kind and caring.
My mom is actually one of the best. She has helped me so much lately, and it is insane how she have not given up on me yet - despite everything I have done lately. (I dropped out of school and barely made enough money to pay rent. I had to ask her for help economically. I really hate myself for that because I did not want her to worry more about me.)
So hopefully tomorrow (and the future) will be better. I feel like giving up, but I am not going to. I am determined to make my parents proud of me. I promise mom, I won't be a failure. I promise.