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There’s this one guy… or to be honest, there are actually lots of guys, guys/men/boys/males/dudes. And all I can say is that I want you to back off. Especially late at night, or actually, now when I think about it, it would be quite nice if you could back off whenever I want you to. When I’m walking home from the shops, when I’m just going around the corner to grab a coffee, when I’m walking back home from the gym, walking from the station back home, when I’m drunk, when I’m sober, when I’ve been out dancing with my friends or even if I’m just getting back home from work late at night or even when I’m in the playground or on my way home from there, I want you to back off. Because I want to be able to do all those things above without you shouting, catcalling, making noises, telling me how nice my ass looks or looking at me from bottom to top, telling me that you’d like to push me against the wall and all the things that goes with that. You guys/men/boys/males/dudes who does this, you all become this one guy, this one guy who makes me not want to leave my house without having my phone glued to my hand, texting my friends, forcing friends to be my fake boyfriend for the short while it takes me to go from the bus stop to my house.

It should not be like this, not at all. Because I want to be able to go outside my house, not feeling scared or worried. And right now I can’t.

The other day when E and I was walking down the road, on our way to the park, we walked past this man who turned around, looked at me from bottom to top, stared into my eyes telling me exactly how badly he wanted to fuck me against that wall right there at that exact moment. The three year old girl I’m looking after is NOT supposed to grow up hearing that when the two of us are on our way to the park. Because it si not the first nor the last time it’s gonna happen. It has happened before, people catcalling on me whilst walking with her. And she knows, so incredibly well that something is wrong whenever it happens, because she can see it and feel the entire vibe. She is NOT supposed to grow up with that.

I’m tired of being scared, knowing that I can’t walk in old, gross, oversized pyjama shorts and a hoodie, without wearing any makeup and having the hair looking greasy in a messy bun, to the café just around the corner to grab myself a coffee in the morning, because I will get catcalled on, hearing stuff I don’t want to hear at all, from anyone. But most of all I’m sick of being scared when walking home when it’s dark outside, having guys following me to my door. It freaks me out e v e r y single time. My heart shouldn’t be able to beat that fast those 200 m I’m walking from the bus stop home. I can wear anything from gym gear to a dress and heels to jeans and trainers, I still get followed, having guys pulling up in their cars, wanting to have a quick chat about my ass or how lonely I look, if I want to get to come with them. But I do not want to.

What I want is to be able to wear whatever I’d like to, having my hair as greasy, messy or perfect as I feel like having it, wearing a ton of makeup, having that eyeliner and those lashes on point, not wearing any makeup at all, looking my best or looking my worst, without worrying that I’m going to be followed home, being asked to show you my pretty smile, because you just gave me a compliment about my good looking ass or told me exactly in detail what kind of dirty things you’d like to do with me.

So dear guys/men/boys/makes/dudes who thinks this is okay, grow the fuck up.

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Hiiii, I'm alive. I do promise you all that!

I've been having lots going on lately, it's been quite mental I must say. But I did something about it, I handed in my notice and now I'm not a part of the lovely GBK fam anymore, I know, it's heartbreaking. And I already miss them all, but it was for the best I guess, I didn't challenge myself enough and worked to the potential I know I've got. And I can't spend days/nights/shifts being unhappy, it's not that fun (believe me).

What else has been going on? London Cocktail Week happened, aka my fam came here to drink heaps of nice cocktails, and spend time with me (obvi obvi). We had such a nice time and they brought lots of goodies that got me and my sweet tooth excited, as well as my crisp bread & sparkling water loving heart. So yeah, quite satisfied I must say. Also decided that mum's coming back with me after New Years (wohooooooooo!!!!!), because I'm obviously going back to the fam over Christmas and New Years.

Last week my cousin was here as well, and he brought tons of sparkling water, happy times! It was so so incredibly nice to have him here for 5 days, I've missed him loooots!! Found a new fave cocktail place, took him to all my favourite spots in London, had lots of good food and just had the best time ever, fooling around (as per usual).

Little EP has been super ill this week, with a high temperature and all, so we've been spending this week at home, in the sofa having Disney marathons with lots and lots of oranges and naps included! But other than E bing ill I've had such a good week!

Right now though, I'm sitting on a bench in the middle of a park, taking a little break from my walk back from Spitalfields/Brick Lane. So yeah, I guess I'm quite alright actually.

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Hahah, this blog has become somewhat a joke. I’m so not good with this anymore. I aaaaalways tell myself whenever I’ve got some time off, that I’m gonna take some time to write a post. Yeah…. like that has happened…

Sooo, hi. This is me trying to kind of sum up the last couple of months, aka the summer. There’s not really been much going on, or at least nothing super duper important or interesting, apart from that I finally managed to get myself a part time job (yaaai, *cheering*). I figured that since I got shitloads of spare time (I finish at 4PM), I want to meet other people and actually speak a decent amount of English, I got myself in to the very lovely restaurant branch, aka the burger branch. So yes, from McDonald’s till in Sweden I’m now on the floor in GBK (Gourmet Burger Kitchen). Do we like it? Of course we do!!! Although I reeeeeally need to get some training going on, it feels like I'm developing backwards and kind of not developing my personal skills, which absolutely is very important. I do miss the till, looooots! That’s absolutely the best contact you get with people, at least in my opinion, it is a bit more personal than just saying ”Hey guys, have you been to a GBK before? Ok, so we’ve got all of our specials on the pin board in the back, your table number is __ and you have to remember it, since you have to order everything at the bar. Also, give us a shout if there’s any questions or so. Cool? Cheers!”. Haha, I could possibly seat people in my sleep now, oh, and of course, set the tables to perfection!

What else?

My absolute best friend has gone back to Sweden, as you know. I miss her so damn much!!! It feel so weird to not have her around though, but thankfully I’ve got Amanda in London for about a month now before she’s leaving, as well as lots of other friends who’s back from holiday and getting into routines again!

I've also cut my hair off and done a new, fresh balayage at the best salon in London, Samantha Cusick. Goooooood that was worth every single penny!

How are things with little E? Well, she’s not so little anymore. She just turned 3, and oh my god. She’s been so damn cute lately, I love her to pieces and I’m never gonna leave her (mohahaha).

But right now I’m actually on my way back to Sweden, only for a coupe of days. But it’s gonna be so nice to relax and not do anything at all, apart from relaxing and spend time with my beloved family!! Quite desperate for a mummy-hug, I must say! Such a good job of me to forget my bloody headphones at home, on my bed. AMAZING. Guess who almost started too cry when she realised? Oh, can’t be me…..

See you soon Sweden!

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Det är varmt. Sommar, det är en sommarkväll i London. Linn och jag strosar runt i Shoreditch, velar lite, funderar lite och strosar vidare runt tills vi hamnar på Box Park’s roof terrace. Öl, vi bestämmer oss för öl. Camden Pale Ale, asgod! Varför har vi aldrig druckit öl innan? Jo, vi kommer på det, det är egentligen inte något vi intalat oss själva att vi gillar. Det är varmt, vi njuter, musik, vattenpipor och massa människor. Gud vad vi njuter.

Ska vi gå hem? Nej, vi går en bit. Bestämmer oss för att ta en cider med en kompis, hans kompis och prata lite. Börjar bli sent nu, vi tar bussen runt hörnet hem till mig. Landar hemma, bort med sminket, snabbt som bara den. På med pyjamas och dunsar ner i sängen.

Det vibrerar, inser att någon ringer. Svarar.

”Frida, hjälp mig”

Tusen frågor i huvudet.

”Hjälp mig, jag tror jag har blivit drogad”.

Hon är i tårar, hon spyr, hon är helt lost. Vi tar på oss skorna, bryr oss inte om pyjamasen. Försöker få reda på exakt vart hon befinner sig. Försöker vara lugna, försöker lugna henne. Pratar med min värdpappa som är vaken. Han hjälper oss, ger oss pengar om vi behöver taxi. Vi beställer en Uber. Pratar med henne hela tiden, låter henne inte avbryta samtalet. Hon har slängt sig ur taxin vid ett rödljus, på väg hem i en taxi med en kille. Han har sagt att han är militär, att dom är på väg till hans camp. Camp, här? Det finns inget jävla camp här. Jag ber honom låta henne vara, gör för helvete inget med henne. Hon är ute, ute ur taxin. Hon sitter vid vägen, spyr, gråter, skriker. Panik, hon har panik.

”Frida, det går förbi massa killar, jag kommer bli våldtagen, jag är rädd!”

Jag ber henne prata, prata med oss. Det kommer en kvinna, hon tar över telefonen. Jag ber henne stanna med henne, tio minuter. Vi är där om tio minuter. Tio minuter, max en kvart, det är allt jag ber om, allt jag begär av henne är att hon stannar där och håller henne vid liv i en kvar till, så jag kan ta över.

Vi hoppar in i vår Uber. Pulsen är hög, högre än innan. Högre än någonsin. Jag är rädd, vi båda är rädda. Men vi är på väg. Vår chaufför har noterat att jag sitter i pyjamas, ingen av oss har smink och att vi låter stressade. Vi förklarar, han gasar. Han kör för snabbt, alldeles för snabbt. Bryter lagar, regler och allt. Han är vår hjälte. En hjälte som gör allt, a l l t, för att vi ska komma fram så snabbt som möjligt. Vi säger tack, tusen gånger om, springer ut ur bilen och springer så snabbt vi bara kan. Hon är där, kvinnan också. Hon har ringt ambulans, det kan ta upp till 45 minuter. Vi säger tack tusen gånger innan hon går. Jag håller koll på henne, så att hon andas och lever, pratar med henne, ser till så att hon är vaken. Linn springer över vägen, köper vatten, ringer taxi, håller min värdpappa uppdaterad.

Killar, snubbar och män går förbi, frågar om dom kan hjälpa till. Jag svarar nej tack, vi väntar på taxi till sjukhuset. Den kommer, vi försöker resa henne upp. Hennes muskler är helt avslappnade, hon är som en docka, helt livlös, men hon andas. Vi kommer in i taxin och är framme vid sjukhuset på nolltid.

De tittar på oss så fort vi kommer in, alla tittar på oss. På henne, på mig, på Linn. Jag sätter mig med henne, Linn pratar med kvinnorna i receptionen, säger att hon blivit drogad, att hon lyckats ringa oss och att hon bara har druckit fyra glas. Jag ser hur de tittar på oss, på Linn, tillbaka på oss och tillbaka på Linn. Vi får bara vänta. Vänta i två timmar. Sen får vi komma in.

”Hon stinker alkohol, hon är bara full”

Vi försöker förklara igen, hon har druckit FYRA glas. Inte mer, inte mindre. Hon har blivit drogad. Läkaren suckar, jag och Linn stirrar på varandra, vad fan håller läkaren på med? Hon upprepar sig igen, som om vi skulle ha svårigheter att förstå.

”Hon är som sagt var bara full, hon stinker alkohol, sprit. Kroppen reagerar inte såhär på Rohypnol”

Aldrig att vi tänker vänta fyra timmar på läkare som kan undersöka, aldrig. Vi går hem. Går ut från sjukhuset, går bort från deras dömande blickar. Vi vill ut. Lyckas köpa bananer, något att dricka och hittar en taxi, en taxi hem till mig. Hon lever, hon andas och jag är bara glad att vi faktiskt inte hade somnat.

Det var Rohypnol, alla symptom stämde överens. Hon var inte full, man blir inte så full av fyra glas mellan 20-03.

”Frida, jag var försiktig. Jag hade koll, jag lovar!”

Det är aldrig ditt fel, hur fan skulle det kunna vara det. Det spelar inte någon roll hur mycket koll du har eller tror du har på ditt glas, det kan hända. Även då. Du ber inte om att bli drogad, inte ens när du har klänning, sneakers och bara är ute för att ha en jävligt rolig kväll. Det spelar ingen roll vad du har på dig, hur du ser ut. Det kan hända ändå. I London, Jönköping, Stockholm, New York, överallt.

Men aldrig, aldrig någonsin är det ditt fel. Hur mycket du än tror det.

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Sometimes things turns out exactly as you want and need them to be, sometimes not. And once in a while, they turn your world upside down, your mind inside out and make you feel a little bit shattered.

It’s been planned, planned since late May, talked about since September last year and dreamed about since forever. But this didn’t turn out to be somewhat what I wanted it to be. Not at all, actually. This was supposed to be good, to be great and unbeatable. But no.

I don’t even know how many hours, days and minutes I have put down to make sure that I could afford it, to know the areas I wanted to live in, to set up a budget, to get myself a part time job, to do my research, to save up for a god damn deposit. And most of all: to never give up on myself. I started to apply for a few jobs that last day of May, when I got back home from setting up a budget. I got one, two months later. The first one I applied for. I got it, so I could afford the plan that seemed so perfect to me.

Mail conversations and phone conversations to all sorts of estate agents and landlords. Effort put in, viewings booked in, viewings I’ve been to and more viewings to come.

I’ve been wanting this for so long, since I understood the whole thing of moving out. I told my parents that just for their information, I was gonna end up in either Stockholm or London. But my mind was secretly set here, on London.

At this very moment I am gutted. I am gutted, sad, upset, angry and mostly disappointed. Because if you’ve put so much effort in one thing, planning it to 99%, constantly waiting for the other part to put some effort in as well, when you get a text about two weeks before you were planning on moving in together, saying that that other part, is moving back to Sweden. That is frustrating.

It’s frustrating in a way that I can’t describe it, because words are not enough right now. I wouldn’t come any further than this, even if I sat down and really tried. Because I have tried, tried to explain it all to myself, and I have failed. It hit me so hard that I bursted in to tears, in the very corner of my bed. It has kept me up for hours, when I should’ve slept. I can’t feel anything. Nothing at all. But I did, a week ago, when I got the text. All I wanted to do at work was to lay down on one of the sofas, bang my head against the wall or something, and just cry. But again, I didn’t.

I hope that every single one of you, who never believed in me though that this was gonna be the end, that I have failed now and are going back to Sweden. But I’m just gonna laugh at you for never believing in me, because guess what?

I have been here for a year, I have lived in the UK, In London for a year now, or actually, it’s a bit over a year now. And I’m not gonna let this, this whole thing make me leave.

No, this is not me being on the move. Absolutely not, and honestly, screw y’all who though that. I love it here, I do, to 100%. This town and this country is amazing. Bloody amazing. And the people here? Don’t get me started on how much I love them, those polite bastards. Bloody love them all.

And what amazes me most of all, is that I know people who has been waiting for this day, to see this happened, to see the other part of this whole moving to our own flat/studio/what ever just crash. Fun times, eh?

And guess what? You can still find me in London, for god know’s how long. Because I’m not giving up on my dream, not now. Not with a part time job in a restaurant, not with a full time job with the best kiddo ever and not even with the best host family and friends, supporting me. They all believed in me, and so should you have done.

Maybe I am a bit shattered, at least for a while now. But I've got plans, and this time, they're not gonna be completely destroyed.

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I've been off now, for quite a while. For a whole week. And I do got my reasons. Number one: I've been super tired and not had any inspiration at all to actually sit down and write. Two: last Thursday was a pretty hard day. And I still think I'm not quite okay.

I don't know if you've read it or not, but as I was home in Sweden for my holiday, our family friend passed away. Which still hasn't really sunk in yet, and I don't know if it ever will.

But Thursday last week was his funeral, so I had to do something to get my mind of things, therefore E and I went down to the Thames, to play, run around, have nice food, laugh and obviously take cute photos.

Sunday a couple of Swedes and I went to Dalston Yard for some Street Feast, which was amazing! We had some nice cocktails, beer (hey, yes I drank beer....or corona if you please), but we had fun! I absolutely know where I'm gonna spend a few of my summer nights now!!

What else has been going on? I've fiiiiiinally met up with Linn! The new Linn, the one who's been stalking my blog for the last six months or so, yeah she's crazy! No, I'm so happy that we get along, she's as mental as I am, haha!

But we've been to Joe And The Juice, strolling around Hampstead and having a pizza party in the park. Just been hanging out with E, really. And obviously E confirmed today that Linn absolutely is better than I am, so I guess it's a yes from both of us, hahah!

Yesterday E and I went to see Kajsa, G and his sister O for some adventures before they went on holiday! We ended up getting back to ours, making a cozy corner in my bed with fairy lights, pillows, duvets and a film for O whilst the little kiddos were asleep. But after a while we decided to make some nice cookies as well as having a bit of a marshmallow fight. The sweet life of being a nanny I guess, haha!

After work I met up with Karolina for a few drinks, gossip and casual conversations about McDonalds, which we both ended up getting on our ways back home! Also discovered that they had a frickin beach hut in the bathroom in the first bar, as one of the stalls. BUT there were two toilets in it (kompiskissa eller vad?!?!). Totally wort going there again just for the experience, eh!

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So, weekend included fun, more fun, breakfast for dinner and friends! Thumbs up for that, eh?!

Friday after I finished work I went down to Brick Lane to meet up with Gayle, a Singaporean friend of mine, to have dinner/snack at Cereal Killer Café!! Oh my, another thing on my bucket list now ticked off! YAAAI. Oh, and it absolutely won't be the last time going there. I will be back, hehehe.

But yes, Cereal Killer Café was so good, if you're ever in London; GO THERE. I had some cereal cocktail and oh my god, two different chocolatey cereal, caramel milk and rolo. Like if that didn't sound good to you, then bye!

After CK, Gayle went for some bagel, I didn't because I was so full haha. But we had a quick walk through Spitafields and then we said bye. I continued my bus journey to Westfields, waited for Amanda, had some Starbucks, some pizza and lots of laughs before we went home.

On Saturday morning I met up with Sally, finally!! We bought some flowers for her flower crown, made our flower crowns, put our makeup on and rushed to the tube, haha! Got to Marble Arch, got chocked that Sainsbury's were gone!? So we had to walk for 5 mins to buy our picnic, hahah!

But we managed to get a pretty nice midsummer after all, it's not midsummer if it doesn't rain! Nice picnic, the loveliest of friends, lots of Swedes, alcohol and Helan Går, obviously.

E and I have just been doing nothing at all the past couple of days, other that going to the park, which is so nice. And we met up with Kajsa and G yesterday as well, for a playdate in Vicky Park.

Tuesday after work I met up with Emma and her sister for some cheeky Nando's and quite a long chat about everything from cute napkins to dessert, so it was pretty good I must say!

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Oh hi, it's been sunny all day today?! I'm NOT lying at all, sunny, warm and cloud free y'all! If I've got a bit of a sunburn, lots of freckle and have been outside all day? You bet!!

Today we've spent the morning in Vicky Park with Emma, Kajsa and G, celebrating G's birthday with a little b-day picnic. If he was happy and all excited to see E? I'm not even gonna comment on that actually, haha. He also got so so happy when he saw his gifts that E and I got him. Cuuuuutie!

So we had a bit of picnic, whilst the kiddos were running around we adults (haha) were chatting away in the sun. After a while they started to mow the lawn so we had to change from exotic flowers to a sandpit, where both E and G went craycray. Those two are seriously the cutest and bestest of friends and they always makes me so incredibly darn happy!!!

After a while Emma, E and I decided to head back home so E could have a nap. But before we headed home we both decided to gab some Subway to have as a afternoon snack rather than lunch, hahah. After E fell asleep Emma and I had our subs, chatted, planned our future and laughed at inspirational prints, had some ice cream and laughed a bit more about how expensive furniture are.

When E woke up, we packed some snack, water and walked to the café to grab some iced lattes and a babychino before we went to the playground closest to us. Sadly enough, Emma had to leave us there, but we had a few cuddles, E kissed Emma goodbye on her leg and I managed to get a few snaps of my besties before one of them leaves me for two weeks, since she's going to Cornwall with her host family!

What else? Yesterday E and I went on a little trip to Westfield just to buy G his presents. It took us a good few hours to get a pirate puzzle, a book and some nice wrapping paper that E picked herself! She looooves going on little trips at the moment, and I love her company, such a great combo, eh?

This weekend I also had a lovely time meeting up with Therese, a new au pair. Strolled around Shoreditch and Southbank for a bit, had some Nando's and laughed lots goofing around! Met up with Linn as well, went up to the viewpoint by St Paul's Cathedral. Can't complain really!!

Now I'm on my way to see Amanda, aka Mandzzzz, for some Starbucks, gossip and other stuff.

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