Header

I bet you didn't expect two posts on the same day, but weheeey. Here we go!

So, I actually took my mum back with me to London! I think we've talked about this for a bit over a year now, so both of us were super happy to finally make it happen! We spent some time wandering around Covent Garden, had the worst PizzaExpress experience (haha), checked out Liberty, laughed a ton, cooked the best cannelloni ever and made a kick ass key lime pie, went to Breakfast Club, played with E, went to Camden, and spent all the time we could squeezing each other a tad more than usual, bursting into laughter and just relaxed. Absolutely wish she could come here more often, and the rest of the fam obvi haha!

Last week was a normal one, had plenty to do with E, had playdates with Therese and L, also had a spontaneous pizza party with the two cuties just mentioned. After a couple of weeks off the gym, I'm back there as well, more motivated than ever (strangely enough, haha).

What else has been going on? I finally met up with another Swedish au pair, that I've been writing to forever, and now she's finally moved here. SO we decided to meet up and grab some food at Jamie's Italian. Took us about 30 mins to actually decide on what to order since we constantly fell back into conversations about everything else. Totally worth it though! Food/cocktails/desserts were totally amazeballs, and I do like her, so I mean, it's absolutely not the last time I'm meeting up with her, hehehe.

Spent the weekend at Therese's. Met up quite early on Saturday to go for a quick stroll through Broadway Market, since she hadn't been yet! Grabbed some treats and a quick breakfast before we walked back to mine, packed my bag and headed to Brent Cross, where we weren't alone. Gosh, sooooo many people in the same shopping centre with the sales still going, it was mental, we got incredibly hangry and then decided to grab a GBK before going back to Therese's. Our original plan of going turned into a girls night in with cheap wine, snacks, chatting, laughing and me falling asleep to Fifty Shades. Was invited to a Sunday Roast there as well, which I couldn't say no to, and omg. The best thing everrrr.

And now I'm sat here, about to fall asleep any second. Got an early gym sesh tomorrow with Connie, which is now my gym-buddie instead of wednesday-french-toast-breakfast-buddie. I mean, it's a good swap, but I do miss the french toast. Lots. Hehehe.

Likes

Comments

Time flies when you have lots of fun, and I guess that's what happened from Christmas and onwards. But yes, going back for some holiday was amazing, not just because I needed it, but also because I got to see my fam and lots of friends that I hadn't seen in forever!!

Starting it off with Christmas, it was such a cozy one. We got ready and headed to my auntie for some lunch, snacks and just to hang out, which we rarely do. Got to cuddle all of the doggies as well, which you can't really complain about, since they're the best doggies ever!! But after lunch, some Trivial Pursuit (with two very competitive teams), the fam and I left the doggies, aunties, the cousin and my nan for some cozy time at home in pj's and some gift exchanging. Literally as soon as we got in everyone ran to put their pj's on, so yeah the excitement was real. But yeah, everyone was happy with their gifts, and I was super happy to spend time at home, in pjs, having cuddles, sweets and Christmas soda with the fam!

Then on Christmas Day I met up with Ida for a power walk/breakfast/catch-up/mini Christmas before heading back home for a change and then jump in the car to pick Amanda up. Gosh, I was so happy I could cry!!! Must admit that my heart broke a bit when she left London for Sweden, but our friendship is one of a kind and I absolutely love that one to pieces. So yeah, we kinda squeezed each other, a ton, had some Christmas lunch with the fam who finally got to meet her and then had a mini Christmas. And guess who almost cried because she got pick&mix as one of her gifts? Yeah, I mean why would it have been me? Don't actually know what you were thinking there....

Ida picked us up and we went to grab some snacks and have a girls night in at mine, which consisted of silly snaps, laughs and a damn nice selection of snacks.

Went back to Amanda for a couple of days, which were so damn nice! Went to see fantastic beasts and DAAAAYM, that film!!! 10 out of 10 for sure!!! Go see it now, if it's still available to see in the cinemas. It's the best!

Got back home, met up with Kajsa, one of my closest friend from school. Had a shopping spree and grabbed a coffee/late dinner. Looked trough d conversation and laughed a lot when we looked through every single pic we had sent to each other. But it was so nice seeing her, since I've missed spending time with her, lots!

New Years we spent at some friend's with a Champagne Brunch, and then stayed there for a cozy gathering afterwards in pj's, having nice dinner and just relaxing, which was amazing!!

I also met up with my fave Aussie (Rach) whom I hadn't seen in forever!!! Gosh, how I'd missed her, we're talking lots! So we squeezed each other a ton, had a fika, strolled around a bit before we had to say good bye again! Hopefully it won't be 2 years until we see each other again!!!

And that's about what happened in Sweden, apart from the usual stuff and me chopping my hair off.

Likes

Comments

This year has been one of a kind. Good, bad, weird, frustrating, fun, sad, hot, cold and ahh, I don't know really. Time flew by, and now we're here, this is the end of 2016. I started the year of in London, the first second of 2016 was in London. And it felt so good, despite the fact that Jennifer and I had to walk thought half of London in bloody heels, with champagne in our hair, but it still felt good. And I was so incredibly happy.

Even though it started so incredibly good, I somehow couldn't cope with my mental self. What started so incredibly good had gotten me to having my first ever anxiety attack at a club. In just a couple of hours I had gone from being happier than ever founding my new favourite club, dancing, singing out loud, to all of a sudden feeling panicky, trapped and alone, in the club where I just seconds ago had the time of my life. It felt so weird, to go from top to bottom in such a short amount of time. But I did, and it felt weird.

Apart from being an emotional wreck, I hung out with friends all of the time, every single weekend. Sleepovers, Sky Garden, Camden, Breakfast Club, Broadway Market. We were always up to something, and always discovered our own perfect little spots, such as Waterstones Piccadilly. We had our bits and pieces that made us happy, even if it was just posing in front of houses painted in pastel colours.

Spring came and I felt a bit better. I went down to Bournemouth to some family friends, to spend the weekend there, which was so lovely. Along with spring, Easter came, which meant having my brother here for a whole week. I felt safe and unbreakable, because he's the best. My lil' bro. Brighton, more Breakfast Club, went on dates, strolled around in the sun, went on carousels, ate cotton candy, had a birthday party, then I turned 20.

I turned 20, a huge deal, but then again, not massive. Had the best day ever with brunch, besties and my lil bestie. Got to spend the night with my closest friends, had drinks and got surprised by my family, auntie + her hubby. I felt so happy, so incredibly damn happy. And I couldn't believe that they managed to surprise me, but as soon as they walked in to that door, and I realised that it was them, I burst into tears. So I got to spend time with the ones who I love the most, for a couple of days, celebrating my birthday. And it all felt good.

Even more time was spent with my friends, went on spontaneous cinema visits, stopped dating, discovered new parts of London who made me fall in love a bit more, met new friends, had picnics, enjoyed the sun and had my absolute best friend from back home over for a week and got to show her all the gems, the best bits of the town I love the most, fell in love with Vauxhall and Battersea Park, sat next to two of my "celeb" crushes, went to the O2 and danced all night long to Macklemore, set a budget for my future life here, applied for a thousand part time jobs.

Spent the beginning of the summer with my best friends, got addicted to Candy Kittens, spent hours outside in different parks with E and went back to Sweden for some holiday, jumped right in to mentally prepare myself that a close friend to my family could pass away any day, couldn't really prepare enough and got the call. Cried, took care of his daughters, spent time with my family, got myself another tattoo.

Came back to the UK, got disappointed with the results from the EU referendum, celebrated midsummer in Hyde Park with hundreds of Swedes, went on adventures with E, met even more new friends, had lots of cocktails late at night, ate pizza in parks with friends, got myself a part time job at GBK, was so happy I could die, because I was one step closer to actually fulfil my dream of living here together with my best friend, had playdates in parks with paddling pools and picnics, drank beer on rooftops, saved a friend who got drugged, spent evenings and weekends strolling along the Thames, drinking iced coffees and talking lots, found some new favourite spots along the Thames, took E to Battersea Park, fell in love with it even more, and somewhere along there I kinda lost it.

I lost it all, along the Thames on a bike when I all of a sudden had gotten a text saying that I had a double shift, which I didn’t know about. Apart from that I stepped in dog shit and later on my bag got stuck in my wheel, which got me on the ground with the bike over me. One broken phone, one squashed phone a smashed lip balm, and a limping Frida later I completely lost it. I sobbed, because I was a bit broken. I had gotten my dream a bit smashed and I felt shattered. A bit like a bauble who’s on the floor in a million pieces. She had decided to move back to Sweden and that was absolutely everything I had been looking forward to for the past couple of months; moving in together with my best friend in the town I had continued to fall in love with again and again. But now I couldn’t, because she was going back, back to Sweden.

But I continued to do stuff, constantly being busy, just so I did not think about it. So I went to Brighton all alone, treated myself, bought new shoes, spent time in the sunshine on my breaks with a milkshake in my hand and a podcast in my ears, got so incredibly drunk during a shoot for an ad, had little E back from holiday, went on a staff party, booked an appointment at the salon I’d been dreaming of doing my hair for so long, said good bye to Emma and cried lots the day before she went back to Sweden, celebrated E’s birthday in Frinton with ice cream, fish & chips, prosecco and sand castle building on the beach and then I fell in love with London a bit more during Notting Hill Carnival and played mini golf with a laughing audience consisting of Amanda and every single person who played mini golf that evening.

Fall came and we continued to spend as much time as we possibly could in the park, catching as much sun as possible, I finally had my hair done and got treated like a princess with cocktails and glittery popcorn, went on the first overground from Hackney C to catch an early flight back to Sweden, reunited with my best friend, sat outside having tapas with the family, babysat my cousin’s dog, laughed so much at the airport that the security who walked by laughed at my mum and I, caught a very delayed flight back to London, spent all the time we could outside in parks, discovered red velvet pancakes, found a new favourite café, spent most of my spare time with Amanda, started French-Toast-Wednesdays at the new favourite café, got up super early to watch the sunrise from Primrose Hill with a kick ass breakfast and Amanda, went on a day trip to Brighton with E, had a goodbye-lunch with Amanda before she went back to Sweden, went out partying with Connie, had pizza on Leicester Square at 4am, met up with new friends and made lots of cinnamon buns.

My family came for London Cocktail Week, had lots of cocktails, laughed lots, took my brother to the Harry Potter Studio Tours and said ”See you in December!”. Sorted a gym membership out, found a comfort zone, a place to be happy, partied a bit more, had more amazing brunch, posed in front of pastel coloured houses in Kentish Town, found the perfect frozen yoghurt, handed in my notice to GBK, had my cousin coming over, had even more cocktails, showed him around London, did all the touristy things, had lots of nice food and felt so comforted by having him here.

Went on a couple of dates, started giving 100% at the gym, discovered 26 Grains aka porridge heaven, went across London to save a friend, came up with dance routines to guilty pleasure songs, met even more new friends, partied a bit more at KOKO, booked tickets home for Christmas/New Years, stared practicing with the choir for Lucia, had playdates, made gingerbread houses, celebrated a birthday with food, cocktails, girls and karaoke, started gaining more confidence and slowly kicking my anxiety’s butt, had a couple of days off, made myself feel pretty, went to Winter Wonderland, went on a few more dates, spent time with my new friends, spent time at Winter Wonderland, made saffron buns, felt happy, did our first Lucia performance in Brighton, started planning out a new dream, performed in both Westminster and Southwark Cathedral, bought a ton of christmas gifts, wrapped them all, spent some cosy time with E, took her to the cinema, had a gift exchange with friends as well as my host fam and then set off to Sweden.

This is it, really. It’s been a hell of a year, and I must admit that I am kinda happy that 2016 soon is over. Since Amanda went back to Sweden I’ve been feeling down, lonely and a bit crushed. I mean, it’s not that strange after all. Because I had it all planned, all set up. But things don’t always work out how you’d like them to. And sometimes it takes a bit longer to actually settle and put a new plan together, get things clear. I’m not really 100% there yet, but I am also fine with that, maybe because I don’t want to stress with decisions that has to be made. I might just have to take one day at a time and plan something new, something unbeatable and something where I actually can allow to put myself first.

But I’ve been so incredibly happy this year as well, it’s been the best. I’ve made so many new friends, close friends that I love to pieces. And memories, gosh I’ve got lots of new memories as well, lots of special ones, some who makes me giggle and some who immediately fills me with positivity. It’s nearly impossible to describe how thankful I am to all of the ones who’s been there for me, there with me and who’s absolutely made this year into what it turned out to be. I really am happy to have such amazing friends who’s there with you discovering gems, finding happy places, crying in McDonald’s, showing up to your door with snacks/cuddles/support, having breakfast/lunch/dinner/late night drinks at Starbucks. It amazes me every single time how supportive every single one of my friends are, without you I don’t know what I would’ve done. You have been the best, even though you’ve moved back to Sweden.

I think all of the things who’s happened in 2016 has shaped me a bit more. Shaped me into a less anxious, more confident person. And I’ve got both family, friends and the gym to thank for that. I’ve finally found something that I enjoy doing, even though I feel like dying on the inside. But I feel happy when I’m there, in the gym, having a red and sweaty face, pushing myself to the limit. It’s such a strange feeling when you find yourself feeling happy, more energetic as well as stronger both mentally and physically. This might actually be a part of me, a part of me that I’ll keep. Not because I want to prove people wrong, because it makes me feel so much happier, and that is a key.

To be completely honest, though, I still haven’t found myself. I’m only 20 and I know that I wouldn’t be happy if I tried to stress something. Right now I’m more than happy to work with E, planning out a new dream and future one step at a time and slowly making progress. I still don’t know if I want to study or not, because I’m not quite sure that I feel like uni is something for me. The best part is that I know that I’ve got time, time to think everything through a billion times more. I have time to figure out what I want to become when I grow up, even though I deep down inside wish to become a princess.

All I know now is that I’m gonna start the very first second of 2017 in Sweden, with my family. And it feels so good to know, that I’m gonna be surrounded by people I love with all my heart, inside out.

2017 already feels so good, because I’m slowly making progress into shaping myself as the person I want to become, not the person society wants me to become. Focusing on things that makes me happy, forming the future I want, or at least for now. Let’s not stress anything, though. Let’s just be happy with what we have and who we are. I know I am, today, tomorrow and hopefully 2017 as well.

Likes

Comments

There's something about airports. Seriously, they make me so darn happy every single time! And I might have mentioned this before, but it's true! So yeah, if you haven't figured it out yet; I'm on my way back to Sweden, for some holiday! Gosh I'm so so so so excited about it. Not only 'cause I'll spend lots of time with the Fam, Amanda's coming over and I'm going back to Nybro with her for a couple of days! Also V excited to come home to a fully decorated house and wake up to the smell of christmas tree. And speaking of Christmas: E told my host parents that I'm the queen of Christmas, lil cutie!!

December has been hectic af. Lucia performances, planning stuff, working lots and buying tons of christmas gifts. Actually bought the last one yesterday, which has never happened before. I'm always the one who's done with everyone's gifts within the first week of December, but not this time!

This weekend I've had a little mini-Christmas with Therese and Helena. We had some nice gingerbread, cake, saffron buns and some tea to feel super festive. Also fully learned the choreography to Jingle Bell Rock, so yeah, guess you could say that Helena and I are slowly making progress (this time not including any vodka or wine in our choreography making, hahah). But yeah, after our little tea-time we exchanged gifts and ended up with glitter everywhere from the wrapping paper I used, lol! But we were all very happy with each other's gifts and I'm so thankful to be their friend and, of course, to have them as my friends! They're the best! Went to Costa for some hot choc, bought some hair dye and dyed Helena's hair before I had another mini-Christmas with my host fam! They loved their gift and I absolutely loved mine!

Monday and no swimming for little EP, because I had promised her a day out including cinema and babyccino! So we went on the train/tube to the O2 arena, strolled around in there, picked a restaurant, strolled a bit more, had a babyccino, skipped to Pizzaexpress, where we had some lunch before we went to see Moana (and obvi buy some popcorn, because cinema without popcorn is no fun). I've never seen her so incredibly excited and happy! All of little E was so full of energy and excitement and oh, those eyes just sparkled! I chose to take her to the cinema as her christmas gift partly because she's got absolutely everything a 3 year old possibly needs, but mostly because around 3,5 years old is when you start to make your first memories, and I wanted her to have one V special with me. So we went all out and had the best day! She absolutely loved Moana, and I highly recommend to watch it!!! It's such an amazing production as well as a lovely story (also, it's Disney, who doesn't love a good Disney movie?).

I've still got a few hours to kill here at the airport, so I'm gonna start to stroll around here, maybe maybe maybe buy something nice for myself. But we'll see. Hopefully I'll remember my laptop this time and do not leave it by the MAC counter, haha!

Likes

Comments

There’s this one guy… or to be honest, there are actually lots of guys, guys/men/boys/males/dudes. And all I can say is that I want you to back off. Especially late at night, or actually, now when I think about it, it would be quite nice if you could back off whenever I want you to. When I’m walking home from the shops, when I’m just going around the corner to grab a coffee, when I’m walking back home from the gym, walking from the station back home, when I’m drunk, when I’m sober, when I’ve been out dancing with my friends or even if I’m just getting back home from work late at night or even when I’m in the playground or on my way home from there, I want you to back off. Because I want to be able to do all those things above without you shouting, catcalling, making noises, telling me how nice my ass looks or looking at me from bottom to top, telling me that you’d like to push me against the wall and all the things that goes with that. You guys/men/boys/males/dudes who does this, you all become this one guy, this one guy who makes me not want to leave my house without having my phone glued to my hand, texting my friends, forcing friends to be my fake boyfriend for the short while it takes me to go from the bus stop to my house.

It should not be like this, not at all. Because I want to be able to go outside my house, not feeling scared or worried. And right now I can’t.

The other day when E and I was walking down the road, on our way to the park, we walked past this man who turned around, looked at me from bottom to top, stared into my eyes telling me exactly how badly he wanted to fuck me against that wall right there at that exact moment. The three year old girl I’m looking after is NOT supposed to grow up hearing that when the two of us are on our way to the park. Because it si not the first nor the last time it’s gonna happen. It has happened before, people catcalling on me whilst walking with her. And she knows, so incredibly well that something is wrong whenever it happens, because she can see it and feel the entire vibe. She is NOT supposed to grow up with that.

I’m tired of being scared, knowing that I can’t walk in old, gross, oversized pyjama shorts and a hoodie, without wearing any makeup and having the hair looking greasy in a messy bun, to the café just around the corner to grab myself a coffee in the morning, because I will get catcalled on, hearing stuff I don’t want to hear at all, from anyone. But most of all I’m sick of being scared when walking home when it’s dark outside, having guys following me to my door. It freaks me out e v e r y single time. My heart shouldn’t be able to beat that fast those 200 m I’m walking from the bus stop home. I can wear anything from gym gear to a dress and heels to jeans and trainers, I still get followed, having guys pulling up in their cars, wanting to have a quick chat about my ass or how lonely I look, if I want to get to come with them. But I do not want to.

What I want is to be able to wear whatever I’d like to, having my hair as greasy, messy or perfect as I feel like having it, wearing a ton of makeup, having that eyeliner and those lashes on point, not wearing any makeup at all, looking my best or looking my worst, without worrying that I’m going to be followed home, being asked to show you my pretty smile, because you just gave me a compliment about my good looking ass or told me exactly in detail what kind of dirty things you’d like to do with me.

So dear guys/men/boys/makes/dudes who thinks this is okay, grow the fuck up.

Likes

Comments

Hiiii, I'm alive. I do promise you all that!

I've been having lots going on lately, it's been quite mental I must say. But I did something about it, I handed in my notice and now I'm not a part of the lovely GBK fam anymore, I know, it's heartbreaking. And I already miss them all, but it was for the best I guess, I didn't challenge myself enough and worked to the potential I know I've got. And I can't spend days/nights/shifts being unhappy, it's not that fun (believe me).

What else has been going on? London Cocktail Week happened, aka my fam came here to drink heaps of nice cocktails, and spend time with me (obvi obvi). We had such a nice time and they brought lots of goodies that got me and my sweet tooth excited, as well as my crisp bread & sparkling water loving heart. So yeah, quite satisfied I must say. Also decided that mum's coming back with me after New Years (wohooooooooo!!!!!), because I'm obviously going back to the fam over Christmas and New Years.

Last week my cousin was here as well, and he brought tons of sparkling water, happy times! It was so so incredibly nice to have him here for 5 days, I've missed him loooots!! Found a new fave cocktail place, took him to all my favourite spots in London, had lots of good food and just had the best time ever, fooling around (as per usual).

Little EP has been super ill this week, with a high temperature and all, so we've been spending this week at home, in the sofa having Disney marathons with lots and lots of oranges and naps included! But other than E bing ill I've had such a good week!

Right now though, I'm sitting on a bench in the middle of a park, taking a little break from my walk back from Spitalfields/Brick Lane. So yeah, I guess I'm quite alright actually.

Likes

Comments

Hahah, this blog has become somewhat a joke. I’m so not good with this anymore. I aaaaalways tell myself whenever I’ve got some time off, that I’m gonna take some time to write a post. Yeah…. like that has happened…

Sooo, hi. This is me trying to kind of sum up the last couple of months, aka the summer. There’s not really been much going on, or at least nothing super duper important or interesting, apart from that I finally managed to get myself a part time job (yaaai, *cheering*). I figured that since I got shitloads of spare time (I finish at 4PM), I want to meet other people and actually speak a decent amount of English, I got myself in to the very lovely restaurant branch, aka the burger branch. So yes, from McDonald’s till in Sweden I’m now on the floor in GBK (Gourmet Burger Kitchen). Do we like it? Of course we do!!! Although I reeeeeally need to get some training going on, it feels like I'm developing backwards and kind of not developing my personal skills, which absolutely is very important. I do miss the till, looooots! That’s absolutely the best contact you get with people, at least in my opinion, it is a bit more personal than just saying ”Hey guys, have you been to a GBK before? Ok, so we’ve got all of our specials on the pin board in the back, your table number is __ and you have to remember it, since you have to order everything at the bar. Also, give us a shout if there’s any questions or so. Cool? Cheers!”. Haha, I could possibly seat people in my sleep now, oh, and of course, set the tables to perfection!

What else?

My absolute best friend has gone back to Sweden, as you know. I miss her so damn much!!! It feel so weird to not have her around though, but thankfully I’ve got Amanda in London for about a month now before she’s leaving, as well as lots of other friends who’s back from holiday and getting into routines again!

I've also cut my hair off and done a new, fresh balayage at the best salon in London, Samantha Cusick. Goooooood that was worth every single penny!

How are things with little E? Well, she’s not so little anymore. She just turned 3, and oh my god. She’s been so damn cute lately, I love her to pieces and I’m never gonna leave her (mohahaha).

But right now I’m actually on my way back to Sweden, only for a coupe of days. But it’s gonna be so nice to relax and not do anything at all, apart from relaxing and spend time with my beloved family!! Quite desperate for a mummy-hug, I must say! Such a good job of me to forget my bloody headphones at home, on my bed. AMAZING. Guess who almost started too cry when she realised? Oh, can’t be me…..

See you soon Sweden!

Likes

Comments

Det är varmt. Sommar, det är en sommarkväll i London. Linn och jag strosar runt i Shoreditch, velar lite, funderar lite och strosar vidare runt tills vi hamnar på Box Park’s roof terrace. Öl, vi bestämmer oss för öl. Camden Pale Ale, asgod! Varför har vi aldrig druckit öl innan? Jo, vi kommer på det, det är egentligen inte något vi intalat oss själva att vi gillar. Det är varmt, vi njuter, musik, vattenpipor och massa människor. Gud vad vi njuter.

Ska vi gå hem? Nej, vi går en bit. Bestämmer oss för att ta en cider med en kompis, hans kompis och prata lite. Börjar bli sent nu, vi tar bussen runt hörnet hem till mig. Landar hemma, bort med sminket, snabbt som bara den. På med pyjamas och dunsar ner i sängen.

Det vibrerar, inser att någon ringer. Svarar.

”Frida, hjälp mig”

Tusen frågor i huvudet.

”Hjälp mig, jag tror jag har blivit drogad”.

Hon är i tårar, hon spyr, hon är helt lost. Vi tar på oss skorna, bryr oss inte om pyjamasen. Försöker få reda på exakt vart hon befinner sig. Försöker vara lugna, försöker lugna henne. Pratar med min värdpappa som är vaken. Han hjälper oss, ger oss pengar om vi behöver taxi. Vi beställer en Uber. Pratar med henne hela tiden, låter henne inte avbryta samtalet. Hon har slängt sig ur taxin vid ett rödljus, på väg hem i en taxi med en kille. Han har sagt att han är militär, att dom är på väg till hans camp. Camp, här? Det finns inget jävla camp här. Jag ber honom låta henne vara, gör för helvete inget med henne. Hon är ute, ute ur taxin. Hon sitter vid vägen, spyr, gråter, skriker. Panik, hon har panik.

”Frida, det går förbi massa killar, jag kommer bli våldtagen, jag är rädd!”

Jag ber henne prata, prata med oss. Det kommer en kvinna, hon tar över telefonen. Jag ber henne stanna med henne, tio minuter. Vi är där om tio minuter. Tio minuter, max en kvart, det är allt jag ber om, allt jag begär av henne är att hon stannar där och håller henne vid liv i en kvar till, så jag kan ta över.

Vi hoppar in i vår Uber. Pulsen är hög, högre än innan. Högre än någonsin. Jag är rädd, vi båda är rädda. Men vi är på väg. Vår chaufför har noterat att jag sitter i pyjamas, ingen av oss har smink och att vi låter stressade. Vi förklarar, han gasar. Han kör för snabbt, alldeles för snabbt. Bryter lagar, regler och allt. Han är vår hjälte. En hjälte som gör allt, a l l t, för att vi ska komma fram så snabbt som möjligt. Vi säger tack, tusen gånger om, springer ut ur bilen och springer så snabbt vi bara kan. Hon är där, kvinnan också. Hon har ringt ambulans, det kan ta upp till 45 minuter. Vi säger tack tusen gånger innan hon går. Jag håller koll på henne, så att hon andas och lever, pratar med henne, ser till så att hon är vaken. Linn springer över vägen, köper vatten, ringer taxi, håller min värdpappa uppdaterad.

Killar, snubbar och män går förbi, frågar om dom kan hjälpa till. Jag svarar nej tack, vi väntar på taxi till sjukhuset. Den kommer, vi försöker resa henne upp. Hennes muskler är helt avslappnade, hon är som en docka, helt livlös, men hon andas. Vi kommer in i taxin och är framme vid sjukhuset på nolltid.

De tittar på oss så fort vi kommer in, alla tittar på oss. På henne, på mig, på Linn. Jag sätter mig med henne, Linn pratar med kvinnorna i receptionen, säger att hon blivit drogad, att hon lyckats ringa oss och att hon bara har druckit fyra glas. Jag ser hur de tittar på oss, på Linn, tillbaka på oss och tillbaka på Linn. Vi får bara vänta. Vänta i två timmar. Sen får vi komma in.

”Hon stinker alkohol, hon är bara full”

Vi försöker förklara igen, hon har druckit FYRA glas. Inte mer, inte mindre. Hon har blivit drogad. Läkaren suckar, jag och Linn stirrar på varandra, vad fan håller läkaren på med? Hon upprepar sig igen, som om vi skulle ha svårigheter att förstå.

”Hon är som sagt var bara full, hon stinker alkohol, sprit. Kroppen reagerar inte såhär på Rohypnol”

Aldrig att vi tänker vänta fyra timmar på läkare som kan undersöka, aldrig. Vi går hem. Går ut från sjukhuset, går bort från deras dömande blickar. Vi vill ut. Lyckas köpa bananer, något att dricka och hittar en taxi, en taxi hem till mig. Hon lever, hon andas och jag är bara glad att vi faktiskt inte hade somnat.

Det var Rohypnol, alla symptom stämde överens. Hon var inte full, man blir inte så full av fyra glas mellan 20-03.

”Frida, jag var försiktig. Jag hade koll, jag lovar!”

Det är aldrig ditt fel, hur fan skulle det kunna vara det. Det spelar inte någon roll hur mycket koll du har eller tror du har på ditt glas, det kan hända. Även då. Du ber inte om att bli drogad, inte ens när du har klänning, sneakers och bara är ute för att ha en jävligt rolig kväll. Det spelar ingen roll vad du har på dig, hur du ser ut. Det kan hända ändå. I London, Jönköping, Stockholm, New York, överallt.

Men aldrig, aldrig någonsin är det ditt fel. Hur mycket du än tror det.

Likes

Comments

Sometimes things turns out exactly as you want and need them to be, sometimes not. And once in a while, they turn your world upside down, your mind inside out and make you feel a little bit shattered.

It’s been planned, planned since late May, talked about since September last year and dreamed about since forever. But this didn’t turn out to be somewhat what I wanted it to be. Not at all, actually. This was supposed to be good, to be great and unbeatable. But no.

I don’t even know how many hours, days and minutes I have put down to make sure that I could afford it, to know the areas I wanted to live in, to set up a budget, to get myself a part time job, to do my research, to save up for a god damn deposit. And most of all: to never give up on myself. I started to apply for a few jobs that last day of May, when I got back home from setting up a budget. I got one, two months later. The first one I applied for. I got it, so I could afford the plan that seemed so perfect to me.

Mail conversations and phone conversations to all sorts of estate agents and landlords. Effort put in, viewings booked in, viewings I’ve been to and more viewings to come.

I’ve been wanting this for so long, since I understood the whole thing of moving out. I told my parents that just for their information, I was gonna end up in either Stockholm or London. But my mind was secretly set here, on London.

At this very moment I am gutted. I am gutted, sad, upset, angry and mostly disappointed. Because if you’ve put so much effort in one thing, planning it to 99%, constantly waiting for the other part to put some effort in as well, when you get a text about two weeks before you were planning on moving in together, saying that that other part, is moving back to Sweden. That is frustrating.

It’s frustrating in a way that I can’t describe it, because words are not enough right now. I wouldn’t come any further than this, even if I sat down and really tried. Because I have tried, tried to explain it all to myself, and I have failed. It hit me so hard that I bursted in to tears, in the very corner of my bed. It has kept me up for hours, when I should’ve slept. I can’t feel anything. Nothing at all. But I did, a week ago, when I got the text. All I wanted to do at work was to lay down on one of the sofas, bang my head against the wall or something, and just cry. But again, I didn’t.

I hope that every single one of you, who never believed in me though that this was gonna be the end, that I have failed now and are going back to Sweden. But I’m just gonna laugh at you for never believing in me, because guess what?

I have been here for a year, I have lived in the UK, In London for a year now, or actually, it’s a bit over a year now. And I’m not gonna let this, this whole thing make me leave.

No, this is not me being on the move. Absolutely not, and honestly, screw y’all who though that. I love it here, I do, to 100%. This town and this country is amazing. Bloody amazing. And the people here? Don’t get me started on how much I love them, those polite bastards. Bloody love them all.

And what amazes me most of all, is that I know people who has been waiting for this day, to see this happened, to see the other part of this whole moving to our own flat/studio/what ever just crash. Fun times, eh?

And guess what? You can still find me in London, for god know’s how long. Because I’m not giving up on my dream, not now. Not with a part time job in a restaurant, not with a full time job with the best kiddo ever and not even with the best host family and friends, supporting me. They all believed in me, and so should you have done.

Maybe I am a bit shattered, at least for a while now. But I've got plans, and this time, they're not gonna be completely destroyed.

Likes

Comments