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This is a shorted intruduction to what is happening now:

I started playing in a team near me when I was like 6 years old. When you were that young you played with guys and they always used to tease me and bully me and I couldn't take it so I stopped. When that club started a girls team I joined (around 8 years old) and I played for some years and I loved it, the feeling and everything. But one thing was missing, I wanted to play in goal, I wanted to be like my dad. Back then thy let anyone "try" to play a game and I did. Short story, we lost, like always, and I got the blame. It was really hard for me to hear that I shouldn¨t play in goal and I wasn¨t good at it and I started to realize nobody liked me there. It was more of an inner battle because I believe those girls don¨t even know how they hurted me. I started loosing intrest and eventually I stopped playing. But that didn¨t mean I didn¨t like playing soccer. I can say now. If I had some more friends on that team, if I wasn¨t bullied, I would never stopped playing because soccer is my life and it has always been that. Anyway I came back when I was around 14 years old nearly thinking it was too late. But I came back to that same team and it was good for a while. I loved my first coaches but then we switched and we got some younger girls in and things weren't the same anymore. When spring came I was desprate to find another team because things happened and the new team wa better. I started playing goalkeeper and thing wen't forward. I got better and better and the team was great and all until now.

I haven't played a game since 1 of june and even that game they didn't really want me. The game they "wanted" me last was 1 of may and I played one hell of game when I saved a shot from going in with my face leaving the score at 2-2. Anyway, I train really hard, I push myself really hard and I am at nearly every traning and be nearly I mean I only been away one time since we started up again after the summer. We are 3 goalkeepers and we have three trainers (one head trainer, one second trainer and one goalkeeper trainer). The only person on this team who likes me is my goalkeeper trainer which he points out many times because the thinks I am good enough to play and he sees how hard I work and how progress over time faster than many others. My teamates don't like me and and my other coaches doesn't either. So because this has been going on for a while my parents decided they wanted to talk to my two coaches so they sat down and here is nearly everything my coaches said:

My parents asked why I didn't get to play and my head coach answered that he sees that I get better and better but that doesn't matter because I haven't played as many years as the other goalkeeper, even if am better than her it doesen't matter because I haven't played as many years as her. Well excuse me if I can't help that I have been bullied into quiting and that she hasn't. How can that be my faullt?! So it doesn't matter if I'm better or if I am training more than her, it doesn't matter. So she can miss nearly training and still get to play instead of me who fights thru injuries and pain to get play. Yeah, she get's play because she has played longer. That is bullshit. My head coach also maid a point that he just likes the other goalkeeper more than me. I got no words for that. My head coach also said that he knows nothing about goalkeeping, then how the hell can he choose who get's to play or not and clearly he is not listening to the goalkeeper coach.

This is my parents words to discribe him since I wasn't in there talking to avoid conflicts:

They said that he acts like we are some proffesionally club that is so good and we play in championes leauges or something like that. He acts like he is this great coach who coach f**king Barcelona or something. Let me tell you this coach: We play in the worst women's leauge (Division 4) in the area and we are nearly last and I am not even asking to play for the A-team. I'm asking to play in the ladies youth team where players who isn't good enough for the A-team get's play which apparently my coach thinks it has to be great and we have to be best and because of that we can't play me since I haven't played as long as she has. I understand you have to have experiance to play but you can't get expreriance as long as you don't get to play, you can't learn everything in training. The other agreed but didn't say so but you could see it in his eyes my parents said but oh my head coach comes and says that we aren't a youth team and we can't play her blah blah blah. Are you kidding me?! We have a youth team, but no, we have to be the best there yeah. Let me tell you something coach, we are the second last in that leauge so you shove that up your ass because we aren't good and we are so not competing for the first place which doesn't matter because it's a f**king youth team. He thinks so highly of the other goalkeeper and she is sooooo good. Let me tell you something coach, she let in 12 goals in one game, 12 goals, in one game. Oh, how proffesionally we are. 

This wasn't easy for me to hear, let me tell you. I screamed, I cried and I hit the walls. I was pissed and I still am. I am lagally not allowed to leave this club to another one untill after this season according to my coach. So I'm legally trapped here in this team. It doesn't matter if I train or not. It doesn't matter if I am good or not. It doesn't matter because I will never ever play because I haven't played for as long as her for obvious reasons. Reasons I can't help, I can't do anything about, I can't turn back the time and I don't have a chance to make up for it. Peope says things get better but right now things just seems like shit which it already has nearly my whole life. But let me tell you this. Everyone knows I am good enough if not better to play for this team and I will not quit, I will not give up on my dream, even if it seems so far away right now...

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I remember the last time I stood in goal in a game. It was june 1 and the only reason I got to play was because our other goalkeeper couldn't play. No, it wasn't a good game but that wasn't my fault. I had no defenders who really played good and the team wasn't playing good. It took some time to get over it but I am now.
I have in my recored 5 played games this season and one of those I only got to play 10 minutes. How the coach can say he split up mine and an other goalkeeper games equally is just sick since she has now played 16 games this season. 16 and I have played 4 and 1/2, is that a right split coach?
Some can say based on these facts that I don't train as much as she does which is false. I have prove of that I only missed one training since we started again now after the summer break when she has missed two and the time I wasn't training I was on a plane back to Sweden and couldn't train and she didn't train either that time. I have trained every training since then.
Some can say based on these facts that maybe I don't prove myself in training, maybe I just jokes around and don't take training seriously. This I can say is false. I take training very seriously and I never talk about my private life when I'm on the pitch and I never joke around either. I have gotten stronger and stronger and I don't give up in training either.
Some can say I'm not good enough and maybe I'm not good as she is. This I can say is false since my goalkeeper trainer said I deserved to play more. He couldn't believe I didn't get to play more. He talked to my coach about it, nothing happened.
I am as good as she is if not better. I may not have experiance as she has but how can I get experiance when I don't get to play?
One other thing. My coach don't treat me the same as he does to the others. My parents can say that themselves after they watched (in secret) how he complimented the other goalkeeper and how he didn't say anything to me. The only thing he did was give me crap for things I did wrong when all he did to her was saying "try again" and things like that. I'm so used to it now that when my mom told me I didn't know because I'm trying to focuse on myself and I didn't recongnized it because I'm used to it.
And now we have a game the day after each other (sunday and monday) and she get's play both, how nice...
This isn't about if I am concidered good enough. This is discrimination against me. Because I am good enough, I am worthy a shot. This isn't right.

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This is story about how I started playing soccer. Why I quit and why I came back again:

My biggest supporter is my parents and especially my dad. My dad was a goalkeeper before I was born and little when I was born. When my mom was pregnant with me my dad broke his leg after a player slided into him. He came back from that injury and played a little when I was born. But soon his back was bad and he had to quit. He had to quit the thing he loved the most and the sport he played for his whole life. I can't imagine how hard it was for him. He is nu supporter forever because he knows how it feels to do what you love.

I always loved soccer and I was really a sporty girl already from a young age. When I was six I started playing and we were playing both girls and boys in our team. I remember I always got called names by the guys and they weren't very nice to me. It was really hard because the girls weren't much better than the guys. I played there for a couple of months before I couldn't do it no more. Yeah it was hard doing that but I felt like I had no choice. So I quited.
Two years later my mom hears that the club started a team for girl that were born 98, 99, 00 (I'm 99), I was eight years old and I hadn't stopped playing soccer, not completly, I only played at home. Anyway, when I started we were a lot of girls. So many that we had nearly split the team. Those who were good in one team and those who were worse in the other, I was placed in those who were worse. There was also those girls that the coaches liked and they were concidered "good" got to play in both, they got to play every game in other words. At the age of 8 the coaches have to play everyone because we are so young and he did but the question is how much? I remember sitting on the bench with all these other girls and we were watching our team playing. I saw people getting switched and switched exept for those who were concidered "good" and it was rarely that they sat on bench. I was switched on the field sometimes, got to play for 2 minutes top, switched in again. Got in it other half again, same there, in, play 2 minutes top, sat on the bench again. Every game was like this and I nearly didn't got play much. One day I decided I wanted to play goalkeeper as my dad and I wanted to make him proud, I practiced in goal at home and sometimes on the training. This was also the time were everyone wanted to be in goal and the coach had to let us try it out, even if we had a starting goalkeeper. The feeling of standing in goal is something I can never explain and I got play in one game. We were team that always lost, we lost big, sometimes we lost 15-0 and 20-0. I got stand in one half of a game and I remember we lost with the score 11-0, I wasn't so sad about that because I found the thing I loved. But the feeling dissapeared when I got in the locker room. Teammates told me not to play in goal and people said how bad I was and some more, the coach didn't allow anymore. I was like 9 and I found the thing I loved but people mocked me for it and the coach didn't want me in goal. I took the bullet and trained as an outside player even if I was only allowed on the bench. I lasted a few years longer but I stopped playing.

Soccer never dissapeared from my life even if I tried. If it was a game on the school yard I wanted to play, I often wanted to play in goal and sometimes I got to. People never tried to get my back to soccer even if they saw how much I loved it.

The reason I came back was really suprising really. I was 14 and the year was 2013. I was watching the women't euro cup and I was chearing for Sweden. I watched them before so I knew little about them but this opened my eyes to it. It was in the summer and I sat on the couch when Sweden got the bronze and I ran out and I told my mom that I wanted to play soccer. I wanted to be like them. I wanted to do the thing I still loved. My mom agreed and called the coach I got ready for my first training. I met with a lot of girls I either school with or had played with. I found my love again. But I still had scars so I didn't ask if I could play in goal. Not that it would matter because I wouldn't get a chance. When we played once again I sat on the bench, the times I got to play I played for maybe only 4 minues of an 80 minutes game. I tried to ignore it because I really wanted to not qiut again, I loved soccer. But things got worse. I was near playing a whole year when things just fell down. The coaches were idiots and people in the team were fighting. My parents and me started looking for another team I could switch to so I wouldn't quit doing the thing I loved again. We found a team about 20 minutes away with a car from were I lived. I said I was just going to complete this season and attend the cup we were going to. But things doesn't go as planned. I got shit from my coaches and teammates. First we had a game and I was on the bench, ending the game playing not even 1 minute. I was pissed and not that but I got shit from my coach. He hated me and I only got shit from him and the other girls. I said fuck it and I tried to forget about it. But then I got shit in training. The girls wanted to fuck with me so they decided to scream at me, make me feel like I couldn't do anything right, and then when I screamed back, I was the bad guy. I walked home. Thru my bag and everything on the floor and kicked everything. Then I broke down infront of my parents and after that I didn't come back to training, I decided to switch team early so I did that without my team knowing. After two weeks were I loved my new team I said to them over a text that I switched team. That got me in the shit. Since everyone in my old team went in my school and some went in my class I got a lot of shit. People who laughed at me for chosing that team and people who trashed talked my team. I still have to listen to the trash talk. But things they will never know. I walked away from that team with less than 8 minutes played in a whole season.

The new team made me feel wellcome. After the first season went by and after 3 months of waiting I was finally writen over to this team. But one thing was missing. I wanted to play in goal. We only had one goalkeeper so it was a good situation for them. My coach allowed it and I started training. We didn't have any goalkeeper trainer so my dad coached me when he had time which wasn't often but he tried as hard as he could. I was near the chance of playing in goal when something happened. On a training one evening I saved a shot but got this really bad feeling in my hand and everyone saw the save, it didn't look good. They to rest and I did. When I got home I didn't think about. I had the pain but I wasn't going to let it stop me, not now. I was playing right back the next game. I still had pain in my hand but I ignored it. My coach asked me how it felt and I lied and said it felt good and he smiled, knowing I lied but still wanted to play. The game was really hard but good. I stood strong in defense the time I got to play. When they had switched I stood against a bigger stronger girl and she came free with the ball and I was stopping her. We crashed and she fell onto me and then when she moved I screamed louder than I ever did before and I had so huge pain in my hand. I couldn't get up because of the pain. They helped me up and sat me on the bench. I was shaking and crying from the pain. It hurted so much. The coach noticed how much I was shaking and he called my parents there so they made me go to the hospital where I found out that I had a bleeding in my hand and they asked me how I could handle the pain for so long because that injury feels exactly like how you would feel if you broke your hand. I got a cast and couldn't come back to soccer before the season ended. It was hard and everything felt like shit. When I searched for a new school because you do that when you in that age I searced to play soccer. When I got to when they where going to see if you were as good as they wanted, they laughed. I had to compete against three other guy goalkeepers and they guys and the coaches laughed at me. The coaches then asked me what I was doing there. I said "I love soccer and I am here because I want to become something". I didn't get the chance. I didn't get to go to that school and it was really hard. When I came back to my team we had to go together with the women team because the weren't a league for our age. Just after the first trainings I feel empty. After going thru two hard things and come back to having to compete with two older much better goalkeepers was hard so I quit. 

Or I wouldn't say quit. I took a brake. I asked myself if I wanted this and if I could do this.
I was gone for one season and when I came back I fought, hard. I didn't give up. I fought hard even with a coach that didn't really like me. I only trained as a goalkeeper. I made that very clear to my coach that it was my spot. I didn't want to play back or as a forward. I'm a goalkeeper, nothing else. The season came and went and I didn't get to play but my coach said that if I just fought I would get playing minutes. Off season training was hard and that was also the time I hurt my knee. Did the rehab and came back stronger and now I'm still fighting.

Hope it wasn't to complicated to understand. This is my story.

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I remember the pain, the feeling that you just lost. I remember it all.
It was in late january and in beginning of february and it was in the off season. It all started on a sunday and we had indoor training. In indoor we have regular gym floor so not grass and I was goalkeeper as usal. I threw myself on the floor to catch the ball, over and over again. And one time I threw myself on the floor and when I was about to get up I feel the pain, the pain in my right knee. I could nearly not stand on my knee. I managed to stand there and throw myself on the ground. I told myself it was only a bruise, nothing worse.
I felt the pain everytime I walked but I couldn't affored to not train, especially when we just got a new goalkeeper who were competing for my spot.
The next day we had indoor training again but this time only running and diffrent things without a ball, when we ran I felt the pain. I told myself it wasn't anything, I could do this. I wasn't quiting, I couldn't. I finished training barely but the pain was much bigger.
Two days after that (and yes, off season we have lot of trainings) we had an outdoor training and I had goalkeeper training. Imagine if I already had so much pain and I kept training and now I had goalkeeper training which meant dive dive dive throw myself on my sides. That was the moment I realized that now I can't do it. I started to wonder what the pain really was and I also talked my trainer because the pain dug in my knee, I couldn't walk, I couldn't run and I couldn't dive without feeling the pain in my knee.
After training I sat in the car with my parents. I started shaking, my body started shaking and I'm not kidding about this. My whole body was shaking, I wasn't freezing, I was in huge pain. My parents wanted to drive me to the hospital but I refused. Then they forbid me from training anymore, which I good bless them for and I'm going to explain why.
I was in school the day after and the pain was so though, I couldn't sit down, I couldn't walk. And imagine a school were we have to walk up and down the stairs after every class. I texted my mom, she told me to go to the school nurse and I did. The school nurse saw how bruised and bad my knee looked like. I was completly green and brown and much colors and it was really swollen. The school nurse sent me to a doctor in my small town and they sent me to a hospital further away. My mom picked me up and ee sat in the hospital for 8 hours if not more and the doctor took all these tests to find out what it was. They told me it was an internal bleeding in my knee and I could train again in a week or so and I was happy but a bit confused since I had that before and it didn't feel the same.
We got another time for another doctor a few weeks later and I was still forbiden to train by parents because it still hurted like hell which was confusing since an internal bleeding goes away pretty quickly. I got a few tests there at thst doctor and he said that I had a knee ligament injury in grade two of three. Grade one means the ligament may streatch but isn't teared and it is belived that I got that in the beginning and later got grade two. Grade two means the ligament tears but not completly and it also means 6 weeks of physiotherapy. Grade thre means the ligament is tears completely and often leads to other knee injuries and may lead to surgury and you could be gone for a year. The doctor said I was lucky, if I had continued training I could have torn it completely. I got lucky. I thank my parents for making me not train.
This doesn't mean it wasn't hard. Every physiotherapy was so hard and sometimes I felt like I couldn't continue. That I would never get back to soccer and get back to being a good goalkeeper but I did. After 5 weeks, one week before what most people heals I was done. I could come back. I fought back and sure, I'm still fighting. I still feel my knee sometimes but I will always remember my journey and how I fought thru it. I had my breakdowns where I cried and when I needed to be pushed back up and my parents did that. My friends and teamates will never realize how hard it was for me under that time but I will always remember it.

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I had always a feeling that I was different even from my childhood. I didn't know back then but maybe I should have realized it. When I was a child and we played mommy daddy and children, I always wanted to be the guy. I was it so often that my teachers tried to make me be the girl. I wasn't a very girly child even from young age. I often wanted to be like the guys which often got me in trouble. One time when I was like 7 the guys in my class started to wear the pants down so their underwear showed and of course I wanted to try that as well and when I did the teachers yelled at me, not any of the guys no just me.
When the time came that the girls started to like guys I didn't feel anything. I started to lie to myself that I liked every guy and wanted to date them when the truth was that I never liked any guy. I actually was together with one guy that I never felt anything for to be honest. But I didn't want to end up alone so I created false feelings.
I grew up in a house where the mention of gay never really came up and if it did it was bad. But I never thought about the bad things my family where saying because I was in my own world.
I grew up to be a tomboy and I got shit for being that. Not only from my classmates but also my family. My mom always wanted this girly girl that wore dresses and I refused to wear them and if I wore them it was to make her happy. I wanted to be myself and not be judge for it but the truth was at that age I didn't even know how much I didn't know about myself.
In 2013 I was 14 years old and I started having feelings for this girl in my class. I didn't know about those feeling because I still didn't know what gay was. I imagined myself that those feelings was not those and they were there because she was popular and I wanted to be like her. Before the school stopped for the summer one of the guys in my class told me that my classmates said I was gay and liked that girl, that was hard. So hard I can't even tell you about. I fell down, I cried every night. And over the summer I realized that I liked her and I also found out what gay was and I quickly realized that that's who I am, I like girls. But this wasn't the ending.
When school started again I found it hard to be around my classmates because they made this thing up. I wasn't gay was I? I also found out that my parents didn't like this and that made me so afraid. But when I realized who I was (still 2013) I told my ex boyfriend who at that time where my best friend and let's just say he didn't take it good. But that was only because he still had a crush on me, why, I don't know. After a while he accepted it and I told another friend and he accepted it and I was happy at that time or as happy as I could be. My two friends pushed me into talking to my mom which wasn't good. First thing I was really nervous and I wasn't ready for it but they pushed me and I told her. She didn't take it good. She told me that it was just a face and I wasn't like that. That I should keep this for myself and not tell anyone and then she left and we didn't talk about it. Don't get me wrong. I love my mom and dad and they are amazing and now I realize how hard it was on her. The time went by quickly and in 2014 I told some other girls and they weren't suprised and then in early 2015 I told the whole class and I didn't hide it any more. I only hid it from my family and I kind of still does.
But a couple of weeks ago my mom asked me if I was gay and I told her the truth and now she accepts me but we don't talk about. The rest of the family doesn't know yet. I still can't be myself which is being gay and wear some guy clothes. But I hope with time this changes. This was a part of my coming out not only to others but to myself

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