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What is a personality? What defines you? Who am i and where do i belong? I don't get it, I can act like i always do and then without any reason i can understand someone can say "That so unlike you" or "Didn't expect that from you" and so on. I just don't get it, i can buy a shirt with a design i like and when i get home mom can say "That's not your style". I don't understand what's going on.

​Fuck me, right?

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I've had any luck with romance, I've loved two girls - one who thought i was joking when i told her how i felt. She truly is beautiful and has an amazing personality, she always strives towards her goal and never seem to be faltering , no matter the obstacle she always overcomes it and smiles the entire time because she knows that even if she were to fail she can always try again.

The second and most recent girl in my life i still love with all of my heart, If she isn't an angel then angels does not exist. Shes a true idol whom much like my first love also strives towards her dreams, She knows what she wants to do and who she wants to be and does what it takes to follow her dreams. unfortunately for me, This means that she's going to the other side of the world without me, she's studying abroad in Kenya while i'm here stuck in Sweden.

​I never actually confessed my love to Second, Wish i could.

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I've got a lot of spare time with myself, whereas i do nothing but browse the internet and think about life, friend family and such. This spare time is what's killing me from the inside, the more i think the more fucked up my world becomes. The longer i look into the darkness of my room the darker my room becomes.

Has the world always been such a evil place?
I'm scared of losing memories.
I'm scared of the thought that when i wake up tomorrow i might not be me.
Why does everyone have to be so violent and mean?
Why does inflicting someone pain bring you happiness?

​Why is the world so fucked up?

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Lately I've been having a hard time being happy, i just can't seem to bring myself to it, whenever i'm with a friend or colleague i just keep on faking everything just so that i don't stand out. I'm not sure if they notice that my laugh is fake, that my smile is made up and that my sentences are adjusted to them so that i always agree with them.


I wonder if people are genuinely happy or if they are all faking it just as me.
I wonder if everyone is faking happiness or if i'm just depressed.
I wonder if i even have a personality, if so i don't remember it, i'm always adjusting to the situation.
Why can't my feelings ever be mutual`?
Why does it always feel like i'm valuing people more then they value me.
Whenever i come home from school, work or from being with a friend i always get the feeling that they hate me and didn't enjoy our time together.

I hate my lonliness

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