'I need a new start and i think if i go now it would be more than just a good start.'

I haven't posted for a some time now, i know. I haven't been busy, i just haven't time (?) or inspiration.

We were September 22nd in Helsinki with my class. We were in Ateneum and we went there by airplane. It was actually very good trip and i had a lot of fun there!

I have to say thay i've felt bad about playing piano. Or not i mean bad, i've felt fhrustrate of it. I did have a lot of bad playing days so it made me feel that but now i think i don't feel it anymore, i'm not sure because on this week i felt so bad it so let's see in next week how i'm going at my lesson.

I wanna tell you btw that i want so so so much going to exchange student somewhere. I have think about German, Spain, Denmark but i don't know where i want the most. The number one place i want to go is Norway but i'm too young to go there so i can't go there but niw i've think about them. I still wanna more alternative so i'm still thinking. I'm at 8 grade now so i've thought if i go when i'm going to 9 grade, like in next year but my mom said yes so i hope god help me that my mom say yes that i can go in next year because i don't wanna go after 9 grade.

But let's think about my exchange student dream later. Now let's talk about my crush. I've one crush at school and he isn't the one who i asked out before this autumn, he is someone else but i don't wanna talk about him because yes he's lovely and i actually like him because the feeling when i'm close to him is so amazing and adorable. But i wanna talk about my celebrity crush who is also my number one crush, Marcus. He was in Finland, Helsinki on Monday and i was so happy for that and i tried so much to go there but my parents didn't let me go and i was so mad about that. I think i can't ever meet him and his brother, it's my biggest dream at the moment so i hope i can meet him. But hey guys it's amazing how hot he's all the time and i'm so freakin' excited for November!! The concert gonna be lit and i hope so much i can meet them or Marcus because i wanna talk with him long time. But let's put thumbs up and hope it happens, i really wanna meet him and i think i deserve it because the year is been hard.

I promise post again soon!!

xoxo

Design your blog - select from dozens of ready-made templates or make your own; simply “point & click” - Click here

Likes

Comments

'I see you in front of me laughing with your friends and i really want you, just you.'

Oslfksözlgfff. I don't know. I love him, still. I asked him out on last week (we were in Norway then, the trip was horrible but i don't regret anything or i don't wanna change anything there.) and he lied to me because he though we were truth or dare and i was so angry when i heard he lied. But now everything is fine. I don't hate him, i don't wanna hate him. He is important for me because he's my longest crush ever. I'm not sad about that he doesn't wanna go out with me, i just FELT little bit angry but not anymore because i don't wanna be angry for him. But i'm still crush on him, or in love, i don't know this is so hard.. but i can't let go.

So like i said the trip was horrible but i'm not regret anything because it changed me. I'm again happy me, and i'm the person again who loves live and who enjoys her life! And i'm so happy for that because i've missed me soooooooo much. But i don't wanna talk about the trip anymore because it's behind now and i don't wanna remember it. There happend bad things but also the good things too. It was so messy trip.

'Can we be more just friends? I think i need it.'

Likes

Comments

'Thank you so much that you made me remind me who i really am. <3'

I'm atm sitting in the train going back to Oulu. I had so much fun with my two friends <3 they we're so nice and it was so nice to see them!

On Friday we just chilled on my friend's house and we went to the shop and we went out with my friend's dog and yeah. We didin't do anything important.


On Saturday we went to the shopping center to Tornio. I bought there one couple of jeans and i'm very happy for that because i've needed them so much and so long time! They are just basic black jeans. Nothing special.

We went to international market where we tasted Belgium's puncakes. They aren't so good what we though it could be, because the apple jelly wasn't good and some of the berrys too. But it was nice to taste it.


It was nice weekend. Now i'm still sitting in train. Soon i'm at home and then i've to pack my stuffs to the Norway's trip.

xoxo

Likes

Comments

'I know you think i'm sometimes stupid, and yes i know, i'm little bit a hard person.'

I talked with my teacher yesterday and i promised to her that i'm coming to Norway even i don't want. She said that it's her fault if the trip is horrible for me. So, it's her fault if it happens.

Now i'm sitting on the train because i'm going to other city to my friend's house. This weekend is gonna be so fun! On Sunday i come back to there and then i have to pack what i need there in Norway, because we're going to there on Monday. I gonna take so much pictrues there so i gonna post something about there, so see you soon!!

xoxo

Likes

Comments

'I'm feeling i'm good when i'm with he, but when i'm with other people i feel i'm bad or the worst.'

I gonna learn how to play on piano Linkin Park's - In The End, Imagine Dragons - Believer and i'm so excited about that because i love the two songs! My teacher asked today what kind of songs i want to learn and then i said the Imagine Dragons' song and then i told how i found Linkin Park's song's chords and he asked do i wanna learn it and i said yes and i'm so excited! And we're going to play guitar on fall too and i'm so excited about that too! And we're play on the our music class ukulele and i've learned it easily so i asked for my mom can i buy one so we're going to buy ukulele for me, i don't know when but hope soon.

I've very conflicting thinks about my piano. Like am i enough good or something like that. When i'm at the lesson with my teacher i feel myself so fucking good but when i'm somewhere else (like my music class with my classmates) i feel i'm so bad in it. I don't know is this normal or what but this makes me feel so anxiety and bad about everything and i hate it. This happens nowdays so often so i've think about that i should stop my piano hobby. But i haven't did that because it's so important hobby for me.

I feel so bad about the Norway's trip. I just don't wanna go. I can't go. I don't have friends and i've cried about that i gonna be there alone, i'm scared and i just don't like to go.

'I'm just feeling bad, all the time, right now and i wanna go away, i wanna start over again.'

xoxo (maybe)

Likes

Comments

'It feels good when i get eyecontact with you even i turn my look very soon from that..'

I DON'T KNOW WHAT I AM FEELING. Lol i've felt this the whole year because i just dont know. The guy in my class is cute, and yes i think i like him but sometimes it feels i don't, oh my.. today i got eyecontact with him and it was so lovely and the feeling was best ever <3 and yeeaaah.. I've think that when it's last day on 8 grade i gonna tell my feeling for him if me and my family are moving some new place, i mean new city because my mom is though about that so much and because my brother is maybe going to move his own house a year from now and i'm okay with that if he moves and if we move but we're not sure are we movin' or not, but if we're i wanna tell about my feelings because i know that when i'm adult i regret that i didn't tell him so i feel i've to do that, but not yet, if we're moving and.. hahaha it feels like i'm scared to tell and maybe i'm, a little but it's normal but anyway..

My class is going for a week to Norway on next week and i just don't want to go. I don't have any friends (mean good friends with who i wanna be there) on my class and i'm very sure (100%) that the trip isn't going to be a nice because i don't have friends. I've tried to ask my mom and dad and teacher can i stay here, Finland but i haven't got a real answer so i don't know what i do. Let's hope i can stay here, i have to talk with my parents and my teacher once again so let's put thumbs up and hope i can stay here.

And btw i did my homeworks like a half hour ago! And WITHOUT complain, i'm so proud of myself because now days i'm so bad to do my homeworks, i think i'm too lazy, hehe. And actually it was nice to do my homeworks! This is nice feeling but i promise this is not continue feeling, i promise my little friend.

I wanna talk about in this post about October and November, omg. I'm going to Helsinki (Finland's capital city) 4 times on fall, that's little bit weird to me but at the same time nice because i love to be somewhere else than in Oulu. First i'm going on September with my class there. It's not so cool because my class, heh. Then i'm going to there on October because how i told, Robin's concert so i gonna post there, i promise because it's important and i can think about that how much i gonna cry there. Then i'm going to two times on November to Helsinki. First i going to week before Marcus and Martinus' concert because my big brother's idol is in Finland and me, my brother and mom are going there. Me and my mom aren't going to the concert but my brother is. We're just having fun there and yeah. But it's a big day for my brother because he gonna meet his idol (he's from USA) first time, it's so cool and i'm so happy for him! And in the next weekend is Marcus and Martinus' concert so i'm going there too, wii. I'm exciting for Robin's and M&M's concerts! It's gonna be so much fun! But now i going to do some food for myself and my mom, bye, ily <3

xoxo

Likes

Comments

'I've always knew it this going to happen, and i'm glad it happens now, because i need it too.'

This week is been very hard and heavy. On Monday i heard Robin is going to take a break. On Tuesday i was in a little panic that i don't get VIP-tickets for his concert. On Wednesday i was broken because i though the public health nurse purpose to tell my stuffs for my parents. On Thursday i was scared if she is did it but she said she aren't going to do that.

I was so scared, broken about Robin's break because i though i can't meet him before that but then i got know about VIP-tickets and now i've them and i gonna see him 28/10. The break is good for him because he is worked so hard and so much so it's good to take a break. And i've think about if i start to break, like break to concerts and now i've to do that because he is going to do it too. I've think about break because i feel like it's not my place, be in the concert. It feels like concerts are my thing but being there not. This is good for all of us, for me, for Robin and for other fans.

I was on Wednesday talkin with a school's public health nurse about my anxiety and now i'm going to psychiatrist on next Thursday. I've on Thursday a test on my first class and at the same time i've the meeting so i'm going to the meeting and after that i going to do the test. I'm little bit scare because i don't know does she wants to tell my things for my parents. My parents don't know i've went talk with a public health nurse. I think they don't need to know, because we're not close and they don't care do i am feeling well at school or not so i wanted to something with myself.

Today were a nice day at school. We just learned little bit Norwegian and English and it was fun. And btw i think i'm not crush on anybody on my class. BUT I AM CRUSH ON ONE GUY ON MY THEATER CLUB. He isn't in the same group than me but he's in the same with my brother and they're friends and oh my he's so hot. So freakin' hot. And i can't understand that we were on Sunday at the theater place (my group and my brother's) and we had same practice and when we had some like this: that we had to walk around the room with a pair and my was some nice girl who is in the same group than my brother and we know eachother little and then we had to walk next to other pair and we went to my brother's and this guy's and then our had to walk around the room together and sometimes we had to change pairs and then it happened. He toke my hand a little time. He walked next to me and our hands touch eachothers hands and he toke my hand like a couple of seconds and i was going crazy about that because oh my gosh it was amazing!!! But this is bad because i don't know does he has girlfriend or not, i'm not sure about that :( but i was so happy then omg

But now happy weekend, i going to watch netflix and see ya <333

xoxo


Likes

Comments

'Why always when i need you i can't see you?'

Hi, sorry i've been busy so i haven't posted anything. I've just think about school. Today i wasn't at school because i've fever and i felt sick and i didn't want to go there, because my spring's anxiety is came back, so. I'm going to school in next Wednesday because our school's community health nurse is then in there and i want to go talk with her about my anixety because i need to do something about that, i wanna do something.

But yeah. I've miss the guy again, okay i can tell his name, he is Robin. Robin Packalen. A singer from Finland, Turku. He is the guy who i talk about on my first post. He knows me because i've met him so mony times and i miss him atm because i can tell my thoughts for him. He's very important to me and i saw him last time on 2 months ago (6/18 and today is 8/18 omg) and yeah. I don't know when i see him next time and it hurts, i just miss so much him. :/

Okay this is boring post because i just gonna tell i miss him so i think i gonna stop this in this :D

xoxo


Likes

Comments

'I don't wanna show it, but i love you still. You're the crush who isn't ever gonna fade away.'

IT FEELS SO GOOD. To see him. To see him looking at me, damn. I didn't remember how much i missed the feeling. He's adorable omg. I've love this boy 4 years and this is mine 5th year. When i came to this class i crushed to him and now i'm still crush on him. In last year i was crush on some other guy. Or actually i was crush on this guy who i'm now on autumn (august and september) but then i crushed to my ex bestfriend (he was a boy) and or actually i wasn't crush on him, i just thought so :D but it was so a big messy oh my, i don't wanna remember it, it was just a big messy because i told him it and oh my.. but yeah. In the end of the last school year i crushed to someone else again and he's cute but i don't like him anymore and it wasn't a big crush. My one classmate (a boy) asked me one day on summer who is the nicest boy on our class (like who is my crush) and i told him who i was crush on the lastest weeks on school and he promised that he doesn't gonna tell him but i don't care did he it or not because i don't like him anymore. But same time when i was crushed to them, the two boys, i was crush on this boy who i am now crush on. But it wasn't so big thing in last year so i didn't do anything (i tried to tell him my feelings on autumn and I'M SO HAPPY BECAUSE I DIDN'T because my feelings fade out so soon or they aren't so big anymore) but now i'm crush on him again.

He has been crush on me, and i think he is still, or i hope so. I've tried to forget him but it's very hard so i think he is my 'the crush who never gonna fade away' because everyone have someone like that who you gonna love always, and he is mine.
But he's cute, shorter than me omg, but actually i don't care, he is perfect who he is, and i love him like he is <3

But my school started today and wow he looked me so mony times oh my, i jusy can't because i thought he doesn't like me anymore but i think it's possible that he does! Let's see how school starts etc. Btw this is little bit bad thing because he thinks i'm dating with someone even i aren't, hehe, but soon he gonna know what's going on!

xoxo

Likes

Comments

'I miss the time when everything was fine. I miss it when you were together and i want it time back. I wanna go back the time and i wanna be close with you again.'

My parents. They don't know me. They seem they don't like me. They don't listen to me. They don't care about me enough. I love them and i know they love me even they aren't said that often. They are my parents so they have to love me. Love isn't the same thing that care about someone or be interest about someones stuffs. I have one year older big brother and he is close with our parents and they listen to him always. But it isn't the same thing with me. I think they think i'm stupid and my brother isn't. Me and my brother likes a lot of same kind of stuffs. We both wanna do music someday. And I actually don't like it that he wants to do it too because i've felt so much that i'm bad with everything and i'm only good with music and music is the hobby what i've done the longest time what the other things so i feel i'm jealous if he is better in music than me. So i haven't told my parents what i wanna do when i'm older because i think they don't belive me because they belive my brother. It hurts because i wanna be good with some thing without my brother.

And the time when i've felt bad (this and others stuffs) i haven't ever talk about it with my parents, because we're not close. They're notice that i'm different and i think they don't like the 'new me' and actually i don't like it also. I'm horrible human now. I lie to my friends (i don't have friends so wtf i am talking about haha) and i've cutted to school and i don't know. I just don't like my personality. I was on child very shy and kind and now i'm liar but still kind (or i think so). I wanna my personality be different but i don't know how to change it. I wanna be different human now. I don't like me. I'm okay with how i'm looking in outside but in inside.. ew, i hate it.

Okay this is maybe too deep (or is it?) so i think i stop this now and i going to sleep, gn

xoxo


Likes

Comments