'I don't wanna show it, but i love you still. You're the crush who isn't ever gonna fade away.'

IT FEELS SO GOOD. To see him. To see him looking at me, damn. I didn't remember how much i missed the feeling. He's adorable omg. I've love this boy 4 years and this is mine 5th year. When i came to this class i crushed to him and now i'm still crush on him. In last year i was crush on some other guy. Or actually i was crush on this guy who i'm now on autumn (august and september) but then i crushed to my ex bestfriend (he was a boy) and or actually i wasn't crush on him, i just thought so :D but it was so a big messy oh my, i don't wanna remember it, it was just a big messy because i told him it and oh my.. but yeah. In the end of the last school year i crushed to someone else again and he's cute but i don't like him anymore and it wasn't a big crush. My one classmate (a boy) asked me one day on summer who is the nicest boy on our class (like who is my crush) and i told him who i was crush on the lastest weeks on school and he promised that he doesn't gonna tell him but i don't care did he it or not because i don't like him anymore. But same time when i was crushed to them, the two boys, i was crush on this boy who i am now crush on. But it wasn't so big thing in last year so i didn't do anything (i tried to tell him my feelings on autumn and I'M SO HAPPY BECAUSE I DIDN'T because my feelings fade out so soon or they aren't so big anymore) but now i'm crush on him again.

He has been crush on me, and i think he is still, or i hope so. I've tried to forget him but it's very hard so i think he is my 'the crush who never gonna fade away' because everyone have someone like that who you gonna love always, and he is mine.
But he's cute, shorter than me omg, but actually i don't care, he is perfect who he is, and i love him like he is <3

But my school started today and wow he looked me so mony times oh my, i jusy can't because i thought he doesn't like me anymore but i think it's possible that he does! Let's see how school starts etc. Btw this is little bit bad thing because he thinks i'm dating with someone even i aren't, hehe, but soon he gonna know what's going on!

xoxo

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'I miss the time when everything was fine. I miss it when you were together and i want it time back. I wanna go back the time and i wanna be close with you again.'

My parents. They don't know me. They seem they don't like me. They don't listen to me. They don't care about me enough. I love them and i know they love me even they aren't said that often. They are my parents so they have to love me. Love isn't the same thing that care about someone or be interest about someones stuffs. I have one year older big brother and he is close with our parents and they listen to him always. But it isn't the same thing with me. I think they think i'm stupid and my brother isn't. Me and my brother likes a lot of same kind of stuffs. We both wanna do music someday. And I actually don't like it that he wants to do it too because i've felt so much that i'm bad with everything and i'm only good with music and music is the hobby what i've done the longest time what the other things so i feel i'm jealous if he is better in music than me. So i haven't told my parents what i wanna do when i'm older because i think they don't belive me because they belive my brother. It hurts because i wanna be good with some thing without my brother.

And the time when i've felt bad (this and others stuffs) i haven't ever talk about it with my parents, because we're not close. They're notice that i'm different and i think they don't like the 'new me' and actually i don't like it also. I'm horrible human now. I lie to my friends (i don't have friends so wtf i am talking about haha) and i've cutted to school and i don't know. I just don't like my personality. I was on child very shy and kind and now i'm liar but still kind (or i think so). I wanna my personality be different but i don't know how to change it. I wanna be different human now. I don't like me. I'm okay with how i'm looking in outside but in inside.. ew, i hate it.

Okay this is maybe too deep (or is it?) so i think i stop this now and i going to sleep, gn

xoxo


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'You make butterflies on my stomach, and i love it. You make me laugh, happy and always when i see you talking about it what you love i fall in love with you over again and again. And i love it. Even i haven't ever met you.'

My yesterday's post was it what i gonna post here. I gonna post my feelings and my thoughts and some stuff like that. But now first i wanna let you know something about me. I'm Finnish, so if you don't understand my English i'm sorry. I've learned 4 years English and next year is my 5th year learning it. My teacher said to me that i've very good English, but anyone isn't perfect, yeah? So i don't promise i've perfect English.

I think you wanna know my name and age but i don't wanna tell them. Or maybe i can tell my age, but still i don't gonna do that, hah. I don't wanna tell my name because i did this (or started) this blog because i wanna tell my feelings etc and i don't want that my friends, family or others who i know find this blog and then they get know this blog's writer is me, no, because i don't want so. I wanna tell my stuffs here without people i know. Or i just wanna tell my stuffs here, i don't care do i have readers, i gonna do this without them, because i think i need this.

I've played piano 5 year. Or i've been in piano lessons 4 year. I had brake in whole last year for the piano lessons. I played everyday at home without lessons but i can say i've played 5 year because i played it on my break so often, everyday. I started in January my piano lessons again with a new teacher, he is so good! He is amazing guy and i love to play with him. And i think i've maybe feelings for him, omg. Okay i think it's crazy but i think i've, sorry. And i think you can know more about him later.

I started last year's autumn's going to theater club (idk how to call it). But i think i gonna stop it now, before it starts or at Christmas, let's see. I gonna stop it because i wanna start play guitar again and maybe i want sing lessons too, who knows?

So, i love music, concerts etc. I've been in 83 concert. Like festivals and some of artist's own concert, so there is couple of same artists too. My last concert was at Qstock (Oulu, Fin) or it was actually festival. There was nice artists and it was a sold our festival but i still got tickets in first's day's night (it was somethin' like 10mins over 12am when my friend asked for me do i wanna buy the next day's tickets for him). And maybe you wanna know my celebrity crush? I don't know do you but i still wanna tell who he is because i know i gonna post about him sometimes. He is Marcus Gunnarsen. I don't know do you guys know the Norwegian 15-year olds twin boys Marcus and Martinus. Marcus is the older of them. He is borned 15 minutes before than Martinus. And i love Marcus, he is just.. just so nice and damn shit so hot (my opinion lol). And Marcus is also so good in singing, daaamn! But i haven't ever seen them before but i gonna see them in November because i'm going to their Finland's concert what's in Hartwall Arena, Helsinki. I think i gonna post about there then ;)

I am at the moment sitting in the train. I'm going from Turku to Oulu. I live in Oulu and i was five days in Turku because i was seeing my godparents there. There was fun and now i going back to home to get ready for school. Like what i said yesterday, i don't wanna go there, but i think i have to. Huoh, so, let's see, i gonna post something about school and about the firsts days there, so bye now.

xoxo

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'We talked, you say you're sorry, you peted me, you looked in to my eyes and you were sorry. We all were. I felt your hand on my shoulder and that's made me feelin' that i'm home, but i wasn't. You made me happy when you did that, when you said the things what you did. I'm glad about this day happened, but still i'm sad now, because i think i can't meet you ever again.'

Life is so stupid sometimes, i know you can't always get what you want, but still. I've waited the whole summer that i could meet this guy, but i can't. Always is something why i can't go, and i hate it. I miss him so much. He is the only one with i can talk about my feelings but at the moment i haven't talk with him like 5 months, and it sucks, it hurts, a lot. I love him and i just can't understand it that i can't maybe meet him ever again, i don't know. The reason why i can't meet him is my parents, they don't get it why he's so important to me. We aren't closer with my parents so i think this is something like punishment.

Now the summer is soon ending, i'm not happy for that. This summer is been so boring and stupid, i hate it because i haven't talk with him. Or actually we were met in June and we talked, but it was so fast meeting so we didn't had time to talk about how i'm going. But still i don't wanna go to school. My school starts on Thursday and i'm scared, and at the same time i'm excited. I'm excited because i see my crush (suprise lol) and i'm scared because the all of people there. My spring was so hard, and i didn't go school everyday (i cut class) and i felt so bad so often, almost everyday or everyday so i'm scared it's coming back, let's see, hope not.

I've cried mony times in this summer because this guy. No, i don't love him like the way, like i don't wanna be with him, i love him not like a friend but it's still kind of that way, but i don't wanna be couple with him, and he knows it. He is amazing and i think you can know him later, maybe if i gonna meet him i can post picture of us or something? Let's see.

'I told you how i'm feeling in March and i miss it how you made me forgot the bad things. I miss it how you made me happy, laugh and proud of you at the same time. I miss how we laugh together, how you wanted to make me smile. I miss last year because of you, because i saw you so many times in summer but in this summer i've seen you just once. My life is went just more and more down and i miss it how you bring me up. I'm scared if i can't see you ever again, and this is the worst part of this; i didn't have change to say goodbye.'

xoxo

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