I’m feeling angry today for no particular reason but my chest feels like it’s heavy - Like if I breathe too hard it’s going to explode & I will die. Not to be dramatic or anything but I feel that way almost all the time. It’s hard to get out of bed when that happens & today is one of those days. I’m confused about my feelings because last night something nice happened. Friends I haven’t seen in 2 years came to visit me, like they really drove all the way over here to hang out with me. Seeing them after so long felt like a big warm hug but for some reason I felt very uncomfortable, like I didn’t belong with them anymore. I kept thinking about how I couldn’t say anything & how I couldn’t sit a certain way because I wasn’t comfortable. Of course after a while I felt more comfortable but it got me thinking about change & how much of a bitch it is sometimes. Like when I take my life from 2 years ago & compare it to now, it almost feels like it never was mine. All the things I experienced & felt seem so far that I can’t even remember most of it. Now they experienced things without me & no matter how many times they try to describe their experiences with me, I’ll never really get it because I wasn’t there. All I really get is a tiny glimpse of it, a tiny speck of it & all I can really do is take that tiny speck & blow it up & shape it into something else. It’s hard to explain but I saw a light in their eyes when they talked about everything they’d done without me & I felt jealous. I used to lay down on a blanket at 2 in the morning with them & watch meteor showers while listening to bon iver. I used to take care of them when they got too drunk & vice versa. I can’t describe it but in those moments, I felt like it was going to last. But as I’m laying here I’m figuring out that I haven’t been around them in so long & their bodies have experienced 2 years worth of things without me. Things change & people change, as cliche as that sounds. They are different in every way & so am I & all I can really do is try to get to know them again. I’m glad they came to see me because seeing them made me realize how much I truly used to love people & how my life keeps moving & moving & moving.

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Whenever I read murder cases I always feel a deep sadness in my chest & I carry it with me all day. I’m currently at a bar with a couple of my friends, they’re dancing to really bad music but they manage to make it look good. I drank a little bit - I’m not fully drunk but I feel alive. There’s beautiful colors bouncing off the walls & everything feels real but of course I’m sitting down on the floor scrolling through twitter. That’s such a bad habit of mine, I’m never present even though I always complain about wanting to be present. Anyways, I came across an article of Kim Wall she was a very loved journalist who touched many lives. The way she died seems so unreal, like that kind of stuff shouldn’t happen. Knowing these things really makes me think about life & everything that’s happening at once. The day she went missing I was fighting with my boyfriend about something stupid & it’s weird to think of life that way. Everything is just merged together & happening at the same time. Everything that seems like a big deal to me, isn’t a big deal at all. Like right now, my friends are alive - They’re breathing & enjoying themselves & I can’t help but think about what awful thing is happening right this second. It’s a morbid thought & I feel guilty for being able to have the opportunity to dance & be where I am right now while others are probably dead or suffering. Like, Kim Wall was not only talented but she was loved & content with her life. She was traveling the world & doing things she enjoyed. Her life goal was to be a journalist & she managed to do that at such a young age. That kind of hard work & dedication shouldn’t go unnoticed, I’m sure it definitely won’t but back to my point - I am not doing much at the moment while she did so much & was going to do so much more but her life was cut short because of some terrible person. It makes me feel so grateful for everything, like the ground I’m sitting on & the friends that are telling me to get off the floor to dance with them. Life is constantly showing me how short it is & how fast something can be here then be gone. The horrifying death of Kim Wall is a tragedy for various reasons but it makes me so sad that she had so much to offer & give. It’s weird how people who murder other people don’t think about that kind of stuff. People are more than just their bodies, they have goals, memories, thoughts, etc. We are definitely more than the sum of our parts. So as I am sitting down, I am feeling grateful for my life & the people in it. I’m listening to the music playing & enjoying the vibrations in my chest & the smell of alcohol. Life is fragile & so is everything around me. The world is moving & so am I.

My deepest condolences to Kim’s family & friends. I’m sending every bit of my love their way.

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I usually tend to abandon all my blogs because I suck at sticking to one blog & I always feel pressured to write good, maybe because of the websites I pick. I don’t feel this way with tumblr because it’s mostly reblogging, well, I don’t usually reblog. I’m a writer, not a good one but I love expressing myself whenever I’m upset or happy. So, I decided to try to actually keep a blog where I can just write, doesn’t even matter who reads. I just want to write. I wish I could’ve done this sooner because I’m currently in San Francisco. I came here last month & I wish I could’ve documented my feelings & adventures. I guess better late than never though. I don’t feel like leaving anytime soon even though I have to because my family expects me to come home, which sucks. I don’t like when people expect me to do anything, I just want to be present & do whatever my body feels like doing. My job gives me the freedom to do whatever I want, not in the sense that I can just fuck off & travel the world but I have the freedom to pick a place & work from that specific place. So I took advantage of that, this is actually my first time going somewhere alone. Life isn’t too bad right now, I’m pretty content with what’s going on so I’m going to start writing more & taking more pictures because I want to remember my youth. When I’m older I’m going to want to remember all of this & that’s actually what drove me to make this.

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