I’m feeling angry today for no particular reason but my chest feels like it’s heavy - Like if I breathe too hard it’s going to explode & I will die. Not to be dramatic or anything but I feel that way almost all the time. It’s hard to get out of bed when that happens & today is one of those days. I’m confused about my feelings because last night something nice happened. Friends I haven’t seen in 2 years came to visit me, like they really drove all the way over here to hang out with me. Seeing them after so long felt like a big warm hug but for some reason I felt very uncomfortable, like I didn’t belong with them anymore. I kept thinking about how I couldn’t say anything & how I couldn’t sit a certain way because I wasn’t comfortable. Of course after a while I felt more comfortable but it got me thinking about change & how much of a bitch it is sometimes. Like when I take my life from 2 years ago & compare it to now, it almost feels like it never was mine. All the things I experienced & felt seem so far that I can’t even remember most of it. Now they experienced things without me & no matter how many times they try to describe their experiences with me, I’ll never really get it because I wasn’t there. All I really get is a tiny glimpse of it, a tiny speck of it & all I can really do is take that tiny speck & blow it up & shape it into something else. It’s hard to explain but I saw a light in their eyes when they talked about everything they’d done without me & I felt jealous. I used to lay down on a blanket at 2 in the morning with them & watch meteor showers while listening to bon iver. I used to take care of them when they got too drunk & vice versa. I can’t describe it but in those moments, I felt like it was going to last. But as I’m laying here I’m figuring out that I haven’t been around them in so long & their bodies have experienced 2 years worth of things without me. Things change & people change, as cliche as that sounds. They are different in every way & so am I & all I can really do is try to get to know them again. I’m glad they came to see me because seeing them made me realize how much I truly used to love people & how my life keeps moving & moving & moving.
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