Aahhrggh!!!
I don't even know what to say?!?!
What's going on. I don't know anymore. One second it's all perfect, life is just great and perfect then it change and you question everything in life. It's exhausting.

Get me out of here...

No but, I really don't know what to do. I feel nothing yet everything. I don't want anything yet more. It's like. I'm lost.

Maybe I am? Maybe I've taken a detour? Maybe I'm actually a little lost?

Haha I go from confident queen to shy farmer, like what? What is that.
I go from attitude to begging for forgiveness? Like I have no self respect at all? Though that's kind of true. I don't really have self respect..

Can someone please just help me out of this...

Kiss&hug 😘❤️

Move your blog to Nouw - now you can import your old blog - click here!

Likes

Comments

So for the first time, well first time I can remember at least, I have been bad updating because I've been so happy!! I've just not had time because of all the joy. Went to Gothenburg last Tuesday with Hanna, then came come and had my birthday party, then I had my birthday and then at work two days ago I got flowers DELIVERED to work from someone!!
One step at a time though so Gothenburg. I went with Hanna as I said, had a nice hotel, went to a theme park, shopping, out eating and just living life!
I'll tell you something.. I was supposed to meet a guy up there. Not for interest but friendship. Yes it was just for friendship! Anyway, we had spoke about it before as we've been talking for a little while. I wanted to meet him because I wanted to prove to myself that there can be good guys on the internet too. I thought this would give me a sense of closure. Make me think I was less stupid five years ago when I fell in the, man who abused me, trap he had set up. For believing in every guy who wrote me after had good intentions. For giving guys so many chances... so I thought seeing this guy, as a friend, would give me closure and peace. Prove me that good guys does exist on the internet too as I actually met him on tinder (I have deleted my account since a while back). He anyway stood me up in a way. We didn't decide decide time but i did give him an opportunity. He didn't come and he didn't text that he wouldn't make it. And I was so torn before as part of me wanted to meet him and part didn't. So I left it to God. I gave him a time and a place and if it was really so important as I thought God would make him be there and if not he wouldn't. And he didn't show. So I realised, you can't chase closure. I won't get closure from hoping to meet a good guy online. God will give me it. He will help me.
This gave me peace though, I won't try chase closure, it will just happen.
So that's Gothenburg, perfect trip with perfect company!
Then we have my party that was SO much fun!! Had a girls night with some girls and I had a lot of fun, hoping they did as well. First time I could celebrate my own way and I loved it.
So my birthday happened too and we went out for dinner me and some friends, then life went on and Tuesday the 1/8 I got this HUGE flower delivered to my work with just one note in saying "forever". That made me smile, it didn't even say who it was from?!
So I've been on cloud nine times ten lately and that's why my update have been so bad. Apologises to you guys ❤️

I'm going to leave this on that I've been on a high lately to start and finish a post just positive! The rest we can take some other time!
I'll post some pictures too from all^^

Kiss&hug 😘❤️

Likes

Comments

I've been thinking way to much lately though, not been good lately.. so that's why my bad updates. It's been hell lately with everything. I feel like my brain is on fire. I must have cried an ocean so much I've cried.. the thought of not living crossed more than a few times.
It's been hell lately like I said before.. it's to many thoughts. I don't know how to deal with any of them really but I'm on my way back now so it'll get better again for a while. It's been so much lately and gosh how I wish I could be enough everywhere..just that in every thing I do and stand in I could be enough. It's a fantasy dream I know..

I've come to figure this out, the more I learn to like myself the more others dislike me... it's not fair but it's the truth.
My clothing is like it is and I'm starting to feel comfortable in my own skin!!! But I've got shit for that lately.. part of me laugh at it as it's ironic and part of me really got hit and hurt..

You know, It's easy for a person to judge by what they see and then they get their own opinion and idea why you're like that. But they don't come up and ask for an explanation? Usually there is one. It's just what they see that matters and forms their thinking but not what's inside what they see..

I think you should find your style and go for it.
Be strong and be you to every price!

Kiss&hug 😘❤️

Likes

Comments

If I could just get a break from myself. If I could just disappear for a while. If I could just be someone else for a second. Maybe things would have been different then?
I really want a break from myself. Why can't you have that.. not forever just for a while. I do though think a lot would be better and easier without me. But that's not something you can say as people get pissed when you do. Well here's a news for you who get pissed. It doesn't help! Getting pissed makes it worse???
Do you not understand that it takes courage to say something like that loud? It takes trust because people don't tell just anyone that. It's an honour of someone dares to open themselves up with "I don't want to exist, I want a break from myself, I don't feel anything but empty, not sure I can fight this again" if someone tells you this, listen. Yes it's impossible to understand if you've never felt it. But getting pissed or frustrated makes it so much worse! It makes you feel stupid for saying anything in the first place. You crawl back in your little hole and hide until you can pretend you're all good again.
I understand it's for you is "stupid" if someone says they want a break from themselves or they want to be someone else. Like why would anyone think that. But for us who does think this? It's an ongoing battle every day and sometimes we let someone see it in hope they'll get a sword and get in the battle to fight it with you! Not to hear "that's stupid, just stop".
Yeah because if it was that simple to stop we sure still wouldn't. It's for fun right?...

It's not easy and I really mean it. When someone says to you they're done fighting, they're to tired, they want a break from themselves, they don't want to exist, I want to be someone else. Take it as an honour and don't get pissed or frustrated because in you're mind it's all just stupid. Try get in and fight with them or for them. It only makes it worse to get pissed or frustrated about it. I can guaranty 100% that it makes it worse for the person who dared to open up about it and it will make them crawl back and let these things grow in there mind with no one knowing. So listen! It's not that hard to just listen. You don't need to say much, just don't say "well that's just stupid". Like I said before it takes courage and trust to open up about those things and it doesn't happen often.

For those who think in the terms of wanting to give up or leave it's not stupid, it's their reality In their mind. It's an ongoing battle.

Try and remember this, think twice before saying the first thing you think. It's not stupid it's a hell.

Kiss&hug 😘❤️

Likes

Comments

To get to know a person you need to know there is two in one. Two sides. One princess side and one "dark" side. I don't think anyone has just the princess side. You have your secrets, your hidden things, you dark thoughts. I think actually a real princess is the one who has come to terms with the darkness within. That have come to peace with the monsters in your mind. This might just be my opinion.
I'm not saying it has to be this huge darkness inside, that you're a bad person. Just simply, there is always more to a person than a tiara and smiles.

I believe there is always two sides to a person and you need someone who knows both sides and still loves you. Loves you for the monsters, for the thinking, for the anger, for the tiara, for the smile and for the glittery eyes. The princess side is easy, the darker side is not as easy. The right person will tell you "you're not that hard to handle", "you're worth it", "if I'm not here for the hard part I don't deserve the good".
Someone who isn't afraid of the dark so they can sit with you in the dark and hold you. I doubt that is easy to find but it must exist. I believe it does.
You need to find a prince that's also the brace knight who fights the dragon. The monsters you have inside.

Be a princess and when you are, don't let the crown slip. You've worked hard to get it, don't lose it. You can do this. You can become one with the darkness inside you. You can be friends with the monsters. You can be a princess and you will find a prince and knight to do everything with you. Who sits with you in the dark.
Of course, guys, you need a princess to rest on, a princess to take care of all of you. Be the royal couple.

Kiss&hug 😘❤️

Likes

Comments

Yes, I'm going all positive today, feel like I don't do that to much.. today I will, need to mix it up and I don't want you guys to think I'm unhappy! I struggle yes and some days/nights/weeks are just SHIT. But I have perfect in my life too. I have positive. I am happy.
So today we go with positive, we go with no complaints and no just writing off.
I have some really good friends, weird friends that makes me laugh, makes me do things. So today, it's all about the pictures!
And loved ones, find you a soulmate, your person, it only takes one real friend!

Kiss&hug 😘❤️

Likes

Comments

You know the whole getting sad for no reason, tired all the time, this constant pressure and guilt I put on myself. It's not just "things" I can stop with. It's difficult for me all the time. Constant exhaustion.
If I could stop I would.
It do sometimes feel like people think I'm just saying things as a "get away" like I want this... sure it's so fun to be all good then on my own in the car the tears don't stop coming.
I've never wanted to actually die but I do want to be gone until all feels okay again.
It's bullshit this and I can PROMISE you, if I didn't feel any of this I wouldn't say it. It's not like it's nice for me. I'm 20 and tired constantly, it's not fun!
I go from nothing wrong to crying because it gets to much for me and I don't even know why. I'm at this point crying when I'm not even sad. It just comes and I can't stop...

I'm just sick and tired of people not understanding!! If you don't understand that's all good because you haven't felt like it yourself but don't tell me "if you're tired just sleep" "is it even worth crying for" "it wasn't your fault"...
Yeah that's what you see but in my head, I'm exhausted body and soul for no reason, for me it's not like I decide I'll cry it just starts and I CANT STOP IT, and yes maybe it wasn't my fault but someone needs to take responsibility for shit because here's a news for you, most people are selfish and loves to put the blame on anyone and anything but themselves..

So I'm just not sure how long I can do this. Tired constantly, crying for no reason and always backing up others faults... I know no one asked me to take the blame but it's a constant voice saying "you did this, it's your fault, you should have done/known better"
I want nothing else than for it to just stop and go away. Trust me on that.

So please guys, think of each other!! There are wars and hidden battles in people's head you can't see... be careful with your words and attitude when people open up to you ❤️

Kiss&hug 😘❤️

Likes

Comments

What's okay to talk about?
How much is okay to say?
I've noticed that whenever I talk about my abuse, well this goes for most not all, anyway whenever I talk about the abuse people panic. I can see it in their eyes how they panic and get all uncomfortable. I understand why of course! It's not an easy thing to talk about and especially not with someone who have been through it when yourself hasn't. But I notice, people freak out because they don't know what to say. Or maybe they get worried on what I'll say next. The more I talk about it, the longer my sentence gets the more panic reflects in there eyes. Like I said I understand why as it's not easy. It's like people think about what I want to hear and to be honest that's simple. First if you read my blog you're welcome to talk to me, second I don't want anyone's petty? I don't need "it'll be okay" "I'm standing with you" "you can do this" because trust me, on a bad day when I feel shit those words don't get to me. The days where I feel weak it doesn't get to me when you say "you can do this". I have days when I'm ready to give up. Surrender. But I have some friends that polish my armour and sends me back to the war as I am the only one who can win it and fight it. It's my war to win. So really don't step on your toes because it get a little uncomfortable.
I don't need the thing you think I need. Say what you want and don't think about if you can. I rather hear "I have no idea how it feels but I bet it sucks" then "you'll be okay".
I'm not saying that those things are wrong to say but I do believe people tend to first think what they should say because I hear the same from so many but it just comes out like empty words. Say what you think. And people can ask me questions? I don't get angry about it. Yes I'm still fighting and maybe a question makes me sad but I know myself good enough to know which questions I can answer without breaking and to be honest I prefer you asking me if you now really care than that you just stand there staring at me hoping I'll stop talking soon as you panic.
I don't talk about it little because I can't talk about, I talk about it little because most times it feel like no one actually really cares. They walk on toes trying to just say the right thing but if the right thing isn't truth I don't want it.
I know it's hard I get that, but then don't say anything at all.

So really guys, sometimes a person in pain only needs you to say "I understand this sucks" don't talk about you know what the person have been through if you haven't gone through it yourself. But a simple "I'm sorry it happened to you and I bet it's really hard"
All the positivity can make it worse when everyone just say "what they should", there is no such thing.
I rather hear an honest "I bet it sucks" then a fake "I understand it's hard" because you don't.

Kiss&hug 😘❤️

Likes

Comments

It's so unsure it's insane.. I have no clue what to do with myself and my life. Everything is very unsure at the moment so how can I even try to plan a future?

I guess that's okay though, to not have it figured out. And if you think about it, the future wont go anywhere. No matter what we do now or how unsure life is the future will always be ahead so why stress about something that cant go away? Sure it might not be a good future, or it's the best future. Who knows what will happen. I just don't think we should hurry to plan everything. The future is as unsure as it feels simply because you never know what will happen.


I thought of something the other day on why I as well don't want to try plan my future or try figure it out. I want to figure my past out before I figure out my future. I want to be clear with my past so I can leave it behind and then try figure out my future.


To be completely honest I'm not sure where this writing is headed... Well since I'm now confession tings I might as well say that the future scares me. Sometimes I really, really just want to tell people I'm leaving. That I have no idea where I want to go but that I'm simply leaving. The future is not something I'm necessarily looking forward to. I as most people have an imaginary future i would really like to have, But part of growing up is to see the truth for what it is. Some things just simply can't be. Not even in the best of futures. I'm scared for what the future will be like because I know it's nothing that I'm hoping it to be yet I'm not even sure I am hoping for anything?

That's why I don't want to even try to figure a future out when I'm still struggling so much with the past. I want to figure my past out before i figure my future out.


This may just come across like a bunch of words and make no real point or sense. Well that just fit in with that the future is just as unsure as this post. We don't know what it may be. And the future will see pointless at times to be a part of but let's try and hang in there and enjoy life now. Take time to feel the sun on the skin, smell the flowers, smile. Try to be happy in the now regardless to what you want your future to be like. Have people love you for all of you. The future will be what it will be and it might be scary so try and occupy the now with being simply happy.


Kiss&Hug! <3

Likes

Comments

Listen to this one ❤️ oh gosh how I feel this! It's so good and so accurate!
So please, listen to it and really listen!

Kiss&hug 😘❤️

Likes

Comments