View tracker

It's so frustrating... it's like if I'm happy for to long I just have to get sad even if I have nothing to be sad over?
Does anyone else feel this?
For me it's like the light just get turned off or like you just hit a wall. It can be all so good, I can be so happy then with no warning I just hit a wall or the light just get turned off...
it's killing me to be honest. I want to be happy but it's really like it's "you've been happy for to long now so let's drown you in thoughts so you get sad and broken again"... I don't know how to deal with it. I'm hoping to learn soon and get the help I need. But that's not something I want to talk about because it's a fight I have with myself.
It just hurts a lot and sometimes when all the thoughts just comes part of me just want to give up and stop trying to swim.
A lot of people don't understand this and that's why I don't talk about surten things because I get the reply like I'm a freaking idiot. So I keep
It to myself. I've tried of course, to talk about some things that crosses my mind and it's always the same thing. Still the closest tell me I can say everything to them. I do believe them
I guess it's just to heavy for them to understand which I'm sort of happy about in one way? You have to have had the thoughts yourself to get it. It just hurts to not be able to talk about it and when I've tried I get the response I'm most afraid off... that I'm stupid. The "you can't think like that" "why would you say something like that"... it's difficult and it's killing me. It's not like I like thinking like that? Not like I'm doing it on purpose? I don't mean to think them things but I do and I have no one to tell them to simply because it's to heavy or something.

It's not always easy to fight a war that's against yourself. Your own thoughts... it's hurtful.
Yet yourself is the best person to tell all to because you won't get the reply like you're an idiot etc. I think you have to be your own best friend to survive. I know what I'm going through, I know how it feels, I know me. So I won't be judged to tell myself.
I know you need others to talk to as well, that's it's not good to keep it all to yourself but it's definitely easier when you've tried to tell others and felt like an idiot instead. I usually think like if I tell others it could hurt them to and I don't want anyone else to hurt. When I love someone I would literally go through hell for them. I would do anything. So to tell someone something that might hurt or ruin things I keep it to myself instead because I know I can deal with it.

I'll wrap this up now, I'll link a song to that I for the moment love!

Kiss&hug beloved ones 😘❤️

Listen to the song is my recommendation!

Design your blog - select from dozens of ready-made templates or make your own; simply “point & click” - click here!

Likes

Comments

View tracker

When you do your best,
Try your hardest
Keep pushing
And nothing you do feels good enough.

It hurts, deep. Sometimes I wonder why I even try. It's not going to be enough anyway. I'm not going to be enough.

You try so hard to show with words and with actions and nothing you do shines strong enough. When you're competing with the sun but your simply a star.
It's there, it shines, but never the way the sun does.

So I do wonder how when we do our best we still feel that we're not good enough?
What is there left to do? We can't try harder then our hardest and if that's isn't good enough then what is?
Then again how do I know? If I'm not good enough for myself obviously I can't be good enough for someone else.

And why even try to compete with the Sun? That's something that's a useless race.
Be your own Sun so you always are good enough! Shine strong enough for you.

One day someone else will see you as the Sun, and you will be good enough for more people then yourself.

Me for one can't wait until I'll be good enough for someone, well to be good enough for myself even...
I guess it'll come eventually but right now it's just yeah... it's just that.
Nothing.

Me like so many other people need to work on myself, I'm so far from perfect and think low of myself most of the time. Like I'm never good enough, and I might never be. That's my thinking so I'm working on myself constantly. As all of us should. Always strive to be better for ourselves.

I just simply don't feel good enough right now. Probably because I'm competing with a Sun when I'm only a star, if I'm even that.

Kiss&hug 😘❤️

And try not to compete with a Sun, be your own Sun and compete with yourself!

Likes

Comments

View tracker

Here's something to think about, are you true to yourself? Are you doing what you want? Are you who you want to be? Yes then screw what other thinks if no then change for you.
So simply are you true to you?

You can cheat on yourself to, don't forget that... cheating isn't just in relationships with your partner, boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife. Cheating is in the relationship with yourself to.
If you are not who you want to be that is cheating.

I think I've just started to be true to me. I wasn't before, I wanted to be like other ladies wanted me to be. I'm trying to stop cheating on myself. I don't need to make up excuses for no one, never less myself. To be honest I feel more like me then I ever have before.

I saw a quote not long ago that went "I think I like who I'm becoming" and that's exactly how I feel at the moment.
I like where I'm going with myself.

I'm not in a relationship, but for you who are, you can't be true to someone else unless you are true to yourself. It's not easy I know that, but it's worth frighting for. It's worth the heartache, it's worth the confusion. If you get true to yourself it will be so much easier to be true to someone else. To be yourself.
If you can't be yourself with yourself how should you possibly be able to be yourself with someone else?
So be true to you first!

I love you guys❤️

Kiss&hug 😘❤️

Likes

Comments

Be happy and enjoy life. It won't last forever so make the most of it ^^
I do want to write a long meaningful text but I just went blank!
I've been thinking a lot lately, about so much different things but I just went blank this exact second...

Anyhow, I'll show you guys some pictures of me and Nixon, my handsome man ^^

Kiss&hug😘❤️

Likes

Comments

Just like it says. I'm not done, I have not even started. Shit my life is not perfect but it's getting back together. I can feel it getting back together slowly! When I say slowly I mean really really slow but still. So I've not started yet. It feels kinda great.

Sometimes the mess is exactly what you need. Mine is just all over haha and I don't know at all what's happening. I do think that's okay though! The mess might be exactly what you need. Mess turns to mistakes and mistakes to memories. Not always good but can be. I'll tell you something, I've been terrified of being in a mess all my life. Now it feels like I'm in the middle of a tornado, it's all just spinning and nothing is in place. But I can't do much about the mess. If I think about it, the mess sort of has it's charm. Does any of this make sense?
Probably not.
I can't make sense to myself anymore. I have no idea what I'm doing with life at the moment. I have a five year old horse who needs training everyday and I've never trained a horse that young, I've started to see a chiropractor and turns out I have issues more then in my lower back, I don't have much work left and might or might not get in to college. I don't really know at all what I am doing or what I should do.

It's okay to be lost, to be a mess, to feel like life is a tornado.

To be honest I'm not ever sure what my point is with this writing today and I have no clue if any of it makes sense.

So let's just end with this:
I'm not done, I have not even started!

A sentence worth remembering! Your life starts when you decide it's worth living and when you step up the fight. So I'm far from done even if I thought myself I was done, turns out I've not even started yet. I'm facing fears and doing what feels right. I'm letting my mess be a mess. I've spinning around in the tornado instead of trying to put things back in place. I'm living the mess instead of trying to fight it.

Kiss&hug 😘❤️

Likes

Comments

I haven't been in much simply just because I haven't had the energy... I'll be honest, I'm struggling. Life is hard and I do get in periods where all my energy just goes away. Where I feel like I could sleep for a week even when I'm not doing anything. No it's not a lazy thing it's actually a real issue. I'm not okay. I struggle everyday, always in a war in my head. So I am sorry that I haven't been in for ages but I've simply not been able to. My mind is smashed with things.
I want to update more often but when I get in my depressions I just can't.
Yes I do think I actually have depression problems...
I'm not going to tell all because I don't want to talk about it.

Anyway, I know the struggle some of you are up to. I know the war inside, I know how it feels to be on top of the world one moment and the next lower then lowest. I know. And it sucks. Its not easy, it's not going to just disappear and it's for sure isn't just "a thing". It's real, and you need to do whatever to get back on your feet..

If that means seeing a psychologist then you need to do that. Seeing a doctor do that. You don't need to tell all your friends. Tell the closest ones. The rest don't need to know. But you do what you need to get back on your feet.

It will get better but it won't be easy. It will be a fight, it will be awful and you will have days when you want to give it all up. It's okay.

I just really want you ALL to understand that it's not just "a thing" it is real and you have to fight for you on your own.

Kiss&hug ❤️

Why am I posting pictures of me crying? Simply because it's okay to hurt. And it's not something that's easy to allow yourself. I don't mean you should go post pictures all over the social media where you cry, just want you to know it is okay to be hurting.

Likes

Comments

I'm so tired of bullshit. Why can't people just stand for whatever and not just blame it and find excuses for everything? Be honest to others but most importantly, to them self?
I'm not saying I don't say bullshit to myself because I do, but I'm still sick off it!
It's so annoying... Don't say shit you know isn't true. Is that so hard? Is it that hard to just mind your own? I've come to realise that most people do whatever to get attention from anyone. If it's so to say a lie to force a reaction, wanting people to feel sorry for you so all you do is complain and pulling bullshit, telling your whole life story to anyone you meet so they can give you a reaction and stay in your life out of guilt. It's sick today.
Sure lie but you won't win in the end anyway and I'm a girl who have been lied to a lot in my life. I know how it feels but you know what? Im doing okay, I'm still standing and I know that in the long run the people lying to me is the ones that will lose.
I know attention is something everyone wants, special young people but getting it from just complaining and saying things so people feel sorry for you? Don't do that to yourself! Don't get attention through petty. It's not a win for yourself. I know how it is to have the need to get attention so desperate you'll do almost anything. I once did. I've told you before, I spoke to so many guys just for some stupid compliment that they probably didn't mean but said to get what they wanted.
And don't tell your whole life story to anyone you meet? Don't make people feel guilty to stay because of your past. Yes your past can be horrible and don't keep it all to yourself but find one or two people that are close to you to know it and struggles you have. Everyone doesn't need to know. If you make people stay in your life out of guilt it won't last? And you'll end up losing so much more than necessary. Your life story is privet and your struggles are as well. Everyone you meet aren't ready for what you have been through or your struggles.

Find true attention Instead of chasing false. I know we all need attention in some way. That's because we are humans. Though no good will come from chasing it. I know that. It's better to be alone then false attention.
People will say and do things just to hurt you, be careful with who you let inside your skin, who you let see you.

So I'm just tired of bullshit simply because I've got so much from other people. And it sucks! Don't tell things that aren't true, don't blame all on other people, stand for your actions and don't walk around telling your life story when your still fighting with it. I know I wrote about my abuse here some time ago. I didn't do that out of petty or out of attention seeking. And I didn't do it because I'm over it because I'm not. It's still a fight I'm fighting and it's exhausting. So right or wrong to post it I don't know. But I did want you guys to understand that I know more about the real world. That I do understand pain. I don't know it all and I haven't had it bad. And it wasn't my whole life story.

Anyway, please people stop with the bullshit!
Don't say lies to get what you want it will fire back!
Don't get attention through petty!
Don't get friends through guilt!

Fight your fight and choose carefully who you decide to have your back in the war. The thing about betrayal is that it never comes from an enemy.

And on that note I'll end.

Kiss&Hug😘❤️

Likes

Comments

Sometimes we want things to happen at once. We think we have to take one big step to be successful. That the further we can take one step the more successful we will be. Small steps, for me at least, feels like a kind of failure. That's not good enough with small steps. It takes to long to walk with tiny steps. But let me say this
Small steps are better then no steps
So yes it might take longer, no you're not less successful and you are for sure not a failure.
I say this just as much to myself as I am to you.

Maybe you need to take baby steps to move at all? It's pointless standing still until you can take that giant step because you won't go from zero to fly. One thing at a time. Find a start, then go from there. You can't go from start line to finish line in one step.

Think like this, when a baby walk, it doesn't go to fast, small steps, they may fall over, lose their balance but gets back up again within a short time. So baby steps doesn't mean you won't fall or get stuck, but it's not to far to get back up.
I love the different ways you can understand and see the saying of baby steps.

Sometimes we can't take one big step, sometimes we need ten baby steps instead. And that's okay. Take them baby steps with pride!

Don't let anyone else get to you, if they're walking faster, they take bigger steps, they push you to hard. You walk in whatever speed you feel you can. If that speed is baby steps in that area then baby steps it is. I'm facing a situation in life right now where I can't take normal steps, it is frustrating yes but I am moving. Yes I take baby steps and yes I still fall but I'm finally moving! I'm trying to move forward after years of sitting.

I've said it before and I will say it again
Take them baby steps with pride!

Lots of love!
Kiss&hug😘❤️

Likes

Comments

My biggest fear, my biggest worry, my biggest issue.
Rejection
That's what breaks me, it's my demon. Because of everything that I've been through rejection is the big basic issue..
I've just came about to figure that out, I've never thought of i would get scared for this long for what have happened before. The tiniest bit of rejection and I break apart. This is a real problem and I'm working on it.
I'm constantly afraid of rejection, from friends, family, guys etc. It's always there.

It's not fun to have this issue. I don't want to but it have gotten to the stage where it kicks in automatically. I know I shouldn't get affected but I do.

Anyway, I don't want this to be all about me.
But I do think it's important to say fears you have. To say them loud is a first step to recovery. If you don't like sitting saying them to someone find a way to make it easier for your heart. I blog, I use the art of writing to make life easier. Being constantly afraid of being rejected is shit. I know I am because I've been rejected to much. It's Tu hurtful.

It will get better and no one should be afraid of being rejected, being loved. You won't end up alone, you are not unloved. It's just fear in your mind playing you. Well I think the devil use the tiny bit of fear to break us from the inside. He's clever and he dose it in such small ways you barely notice until it have gone to far. To the point where you can't control it. The devil is all about distraction. He want to destroy us humans. From the inside and out.

This is about what I had to say, not really I have much more I need to get out so I'll be back with something new soon again ^^

Kiss&hug❤️😙

Likes

Comments

Shit!!!
I'm so sorry for being so bad with updating... No excuse at all!!!

I've been on my beloved roadtrip now. Finally that dream came true, but I'll tell more about it when I've got the pictures Hanna took.

I can easy say a lot have happened lately... It's a bit crazy. Most good crazy but a lot. I've had some mind war.. Nothing to bad but they have been there and I have so much thoughts to write out but right now I can't because I'm working in the morning all day and it's getting late also I'm just really tired.

Had to give a quick update and I promise one more will come tomorrow or latest Monday!!!

Kiss&hug❤️😙

Likes

Comments