I'm losing I think. Losing my mind, losing sight of the good, losing confidence... yeah I think I'm losing my mind. I'm going crazy and yes of course I know it's all my own fault. Why can't facts and emotions be on the same page?
I know facts but my emotions tells the opposite... it's so confusing! So yes I'm losing my mind. Driving myself crazy, hurting myself.
I've had good confidence lately, but now I'm losing that too... so I'm just losing. I don't want to lose my confidence, it have felt good having it. It's like I feel okay with my body but not with face.. so for the first time ever I feel better with my body than with my face.

Sometimes I wonder what guys go on. Good body or pretty face? I guess it's different from person to person but still. I'd like to think it's pretty face but I don't know?

Last night wasn't the best night really... a typical situation with knowing facts yet emotions take over and say opposite. One thought that kept coming back was that. Am I more than my body? I hope so but since my confidence is dropping it's hard to believe myself.

Yeah driving myself crazy, losing my mind. Great!

Lots of love
Kiss&hug 😘❤

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I'm an incredibly emotional person... and I really wish I wasn't. I wish I didn't say as much feelings as I do because there is one thing I've learnt and it's that you'll hurt yourself for it. Telling small things that shows you care crazy much or miss someone or love them and not really getting back. It hurts and it's painful so I'm constantly hitting myself. I just really wish I could be less emotional, less feelings... just less.
I can tell fast when I like someone or love someone. In can tell things to fast and then I just feel so stupid after because I said it and then I beat myself up for being an idiot and that leads to me hurting myself.
It's not other people's fault I say so much feelings and can't say it back. I just don't know how to turn it off...
the times I try turning it off makes me just back off so much and closing myself in again. I don't know how to just bring it down a bit. I either close and sound all mad or I say to much to often.

I wish I could turn off... I don't want to feel stupid for liking/loving or caring for someone. Guess it's nothing I can do really. It just sucks when you hurt yourself and you know you are yet can't change. I'm trying so hard to change but if I do I'll lose part of myself. I am an emotional person who express feelings a lot and yes maybe to much. I can't really change that but I am trying and it's tearing me apart trying to change something about me that should be something good. Well of course it's not good always but mostly it is.

I just don't want to feel stupid for letting people know when I feel something special for them...

Kiss&hug😘❤

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I'm not sure my best will ever be enough. It will always be that voice saying "you should do better" "you should be better". I know facts, facts is I will be good enough one day (I hope) feelings is not on the same page as fact. You know the feeling when you're really trying? Trying to fit in to someone else's world, trying to just be good enough, trying to be different...
I know there is only one of me and being me is enough... I just don't know if I believe it right this second. I've been struggling lately a lot.. maybe I'm just loosing my mind? I want to fit in in a world that's not mine and it tears me apart...
I want to be the girl who don't need to hear surten things all the time, that one time and I just rely on that but I'm not. I have so much emotion and feelings that if I don't hear it I freak out and question myself. Things like "I love you" or "I miss you" or "I'm thinking about you"... things like that I need to hear often because if I don't I freak out and doubt every single thing on myself.
Does anyone else feel this?
I want to be enough as me and I know it may sound desperate that I need to hear some things often but it's not. I can't help it. I'm trying so hard to not need it, to not freak out when I don't get it for a few days.
It's all about being comfortable in your own skin and that is so hard. To rely on yourself as you are the only you on this planet. Don't give up on yourself... even if it feels easiest. I'm in that now so I don't know how the journey will look but I'm sure it's worth trying for.
I'm trying to be enough for myself and everyone else. Maybe should start with just myself?
Don't give up guys. Keep trying!

Kiss&hug 😘❤

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I don't know rather I believe in this or not. I don't think a fairytale exist really. I mean there is always something more to it. It's like all people have things they don't tell, things they do that not all need to know.
There is things you have so sacrificed, give up to have a fairytale, it's not for free. Same with people, good people didn't get good for nothing. And they have their secrets to that might not impress you.
That's life, no fairytale comes easy or for free.
This is not a sad negative mindset, this is reality and if you don't like it you are in trouble.

People hide things for a reason, not all need to know everything. Something's aren't for everyone and that's a good thing, you share different things with different people.

And if you want a fairytale, you have to be prepared to give things up, to compromise, change. None of that is easy, so I suggest you find someone who's worth it!
Don't chase the wrong fairytale.
Find something and someone that's worth it! Worth the heartache, the ups and the downs, the struggles, the darker path. Then and only then will you find a true fairytale!

So I don't believe in just getting a fairytale, it's not easy, it's difficult and painful. The real fairytale is when you've found something or someone who's worth it❤

Kiss&hug ❤😘

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When you come in the position when you don't know if you should or can fight anymore or if you should just let go. Stop fighting. Not necessarily give up but just stop. Lately some things have happened and shit it played with my mind. I went from being proud for how far I've come in my journey to thinking there must be something wrong with me and i won't be respected for simply being me. I won't go in on details cuz it's none of anyone's business!
But it's a little connected to sex. To pictures etc. It came up last week with two different people and the thing is, I could not care less what other people do, I focus on my decisions etc. But when people I almost never talk to come to me talking about it, not only talking, putting me in a position where I don't belong I get hurt. Do what you want with sex, have it or wait, ask for pictures or don't, send pictures or don't, I Don't care. But don't bring me in to it like it's nothing when we barely talk anyway!
So I was put in a position where I don't belong and in a position I haven't been in a long time.

So do I fight for humanity, that there is guys who will see me as me first and then a women?
Or do I let go of it pretending it didn't happen?

It wasn't to nice and I should of dealt with it better, I said no and nothing happened but I did it in a to nice way is I'm a very polite person and don't want to make it awkward when I meet them again? Even tho they disrespected me!

Enough about what happened. It's time for ALL of US to put down the foot and not be so polite. Don't be a bitch but bring some attitude if someone disrespect you! Even if it's not a big thing, do it anyway. Most things starts off very small. You don't have to be polite to people who disrespect you. Tell them with s little attitude that you want and deserve respect then when they accept it you can be all polite again or they won't accept it and then they have no part in your life. You deserve to be respected for who you are! Don't forget that!

I had a friend tell me that a guy first needs to see you as you then as a women. If he first sees you as a women it won't work. They first need to see you as a person, get to know the person then see you as a women. If you see it for gender first it's most likely just sex.

So now then? Fight for it or let go?
Fight for the respect or let go because it was just a small thing?
Fight for what YOU are worth or let go because you're polite?

You are worthy of so much more!! You deserve to be respected for who you are!

Lots of love ❤
Kiss&hug 😘❤

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That's just it. I'm emotionally drained and it's killing me. I've cried like 20 times today, from no where the eyes just tear up and I can't stop it. Then when I've wiped all the tears away I just start crying again. This have been such a shit day... beginning of this year have not been in my advantage. I have no energy what's so ever at the moment, nothing at all. I feel like I'm alive but I'm not living. It's just like I'm breathing but I'm not here. I don't know what to do really, I'm falling apart. It's painful and it sucks.

My one escape I have always been able to count on is my riding but I'm not allowed to ride at the moment and I don't know when I will be allowed again... so I haw my five year old horse that should be ready in may and I've barely started training. So how should this end?

I'm so tired, so lost, so done. I'm just so emotionally drained. I need something good to happen, I need just something to kick me up.

I know, I'm supposed to keep the shine up here, tell you something that can help you guys but right now I have nothing. It will get better. I can say that. And the hardest roads always lead to the most beautiful destinations.
The things that is hard now, the struggles, eventually it will have been worth it all.
Or that's what I'm telling myself at least. Keep the tiny hope up and just hope this gets past soon. It will pass eventually.

Anyway, I just needed to write.
I do have some hope just not much shine at the moment. It will change!
I love you all guys ❤

Kiss&hug 😘❤

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Sometimes I feel like I take the love for myself for granted... like it's not important?
It should be the most important thing in life really. Self love, self worth.
But we're people and needs too feel it from others. Well we don't need it really but we feel like we do. I can feel that it's easier to love someone else and a lot harder to love myself. I think it's because with others you don't know all the flaws, you don't know the whole story so really we don't have to come and love all because we don't know all. With ourself we know everything, we know our thinking, we know all of our looks and we see ourself everyday, every single pice of our selfs we know and maybe that's why it's hard to love ourself?
I don't know if I have any good coming from today's writing but I've just thought about it lately.
What about self love?
Why isn't it important? Why do we find it so hard?
People say you can't love anyone else unless you love yourself. True but I don't love myself everyday but I love others everyday so it's partly wrong? Or?
I more think we can't believe someone else can love us if we can't love ourself.
To get secure in yourself we need to love ourself, we get more independent then. We get stronger. But it's so hard!!
It's really a struggle for me at least.
I do love myself mostly but I have a really hard time thinking someone else could love me for real as for me it's "what about me is it to love"? It's not that I think people lie to me if they say they love me it's more a "how?"

Like I said, I don't know if any of this helps at all or make sense... I just had to at least try to express it!

Love you guys ❤️
Kiss&hug😘❤️

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I don't buy the "new year new me" if you can't change all the other days of the year you won't be able to change now either. So what's up with that really? You say all this thing "I will start training this year, I'll get Healthy" etc. Most of the people saying that start in January and keeps it up for what, like a month?
I'm not saying this is all people but most.
Why have new year become a day where you're almost have to have New Years resolutions? You can change and decide any day?
I didn't do any New Years "promises", I want to keep going, getter better, find who I am but that's my promise every day of the year.
I want to achieve things, I want to push myself and do better. But not because it's new year?

Anyhow, hope you had an amazing new year and got a New Years kiss :*
My new year was very nice after all. It was a good night^^

Happy new year guys ❤️
Kiss&hug 😘❤️

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There is a lot happening at once!! But... it could of been worse.
This Christmas have had it all for me. Exactly everything in one long weekend. Insane yes.
That's not really what I wanted to talk about though. Christmas was great!
Hope you all guys had an amazing Christmas among family and friends ^^

Anyhow, to business. It could of been worse. I can't decide rather that's a positive thinking way or not. I mean to always think that might help or break. Yes it could of been worse, but for me it not sure it makes me feel more positive? It can always be worse so why think it? Should be better to just be, i don't know.. it can help sometimes maybe, make you more positive. I don't think it sounds that positive. "It could of been worse" well yeah it could but it doesn't make the bad thing that did happen better really? Then again maybe it does? It could make the bad thing that happened seem less bad cuz it could been worse.
This plays with my mind a lot at the moment. Could it be worse and by thinking it do you get more positive or not?
I'm not sure it really helps me.. if you constantly think that it could be worse you might as well think it could of been better? And that might not help to much.. it might make you fight more or it makes you give up.
It can always be worse and it can always be better. You'll always find something that could make the thing worse or better. And thinking it all the time will drive you to madness!!!
I think you should just let what was be. It was one way and then you don't need to think more if it could be worse because it could be better to. It is what it is. Make the most of it!
Just don't let the "it could be worse or it could be better" destroy you, it will if you always think like that!

Take care my loved ones and let what Is be, it is what it is ❤️

Kiss&hug 😘❤️

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Let's do the things we want to, who cares what others think?
Does it make you happy?
Yes then go for it if no then don't
Is it good for you?
Yes then go for it if no then don't

But live!!! Don't sit back waiting for others so approve of what you want to do. You know yourself way better then you think. You know what's good for you, you know what makes you happy even if it doesn't feel like that all the time.
Thursday I didn't get in to college and that sucked... I got really disappointed.. it did sort of ruin a bit of my day but that was wrong. It's just material and life goes on. Maybe this is not my year to study? Maybe I'm not ready anyway? Maybe I'm not supposed to?
Sometimes you get so in to what you think is the best for you but you know you can be wrong. I believe in God as you know. And I think he has a plan. I just don't know it yet but I will and life will work out.

Right now maybe I just need exactly what I have now? I am happy and I think I am doing what is good for me. Still need to learn a lot haha but I will get there.

So I've gone to a psychologist once and I'm going tomorrow again. I haven't told people about it really because they don't need to know. I know and I'm the one who's going so that's sort of enough. Well now all my readers know, it's not that I'm ashamed really just that it's terrifying for me and the last I need is others to comment on it. I've told the people I know will support me for real.

Anyway that was a little side object!

My point is, do what's best for you and then don't care. And I know, we don't always know what's best for ourselves but we do know ourselves more then we know. Sometimes we just try to rethink because we're scared we know ourselves wrong. Maybe we do but maybe it was worth the trip to figure that out?

So live, because you won't be here forever
Love, we don't get enough of that in the world
Laugh, we need more of it

I believe when you love someone a little extra, I'm talking feelings now, tell them. We don't know how much time we have. So tell them! Make them feel loved and even if they don't feel the same back, you will still have made a difference and you don't have to feel "I wish I told him/her when I could"
Some chancyou only get once!
It sucks to tell someone you love them and they don't feel the same back but somehow I think it's worth the heartache. People fight with things you have no clue about. So maybe it's just as simple as they just can't. Maybe they do love you back but it's not as simple as that.
Tell them you love them while you still can.
You might already know the facts, the logic that you won't end up with that person, that it's just not going to happen even if you do love them, love doesn't hurt.
Illogical love.
Love has power and you never know what happens. You could change the way someone sees the world because you give love. You might save them from being with someone who wouldn't love them or save them from being someone they are not supposed to do.
Don't ever underestimate the power behind love. And miracles happens you know❤️
Don't give up.

Live a little more
Love a little deeper
Laugh a little higher
And don't regret!

I love you guys 😘❤️
Kiss&hug ❤️😘

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