I know I've been bad updating I just don't know where to start as I have so much... so until I've figured that out here's my new favourite song.

Kiss&hug 😘❤️

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How does it even work? I don't understand at all. One day I'm confident to a hundred, I believe in myself and can say to people who has me they are lucky. Then the next day I don't even know if I'm worth knowing? Do I make a difference in this world even or just a great way to waist time for a bit.
I don't know myself, I don't understand myself and I'm not very sure I'm at any need. One day I get so far, I have confidence, I believe that people need me, I think they're happy to know me. My confidence is good and I know myself, I'm happy and you know, feel needed.
Then something happens and I get hit back to square one. Where confidence doesn't exist, that people need me is an impossibility, I can't in anyway believe anyone is happy to have me. So the confidence goes, I don't know myself, I'm not happy and you know, not needed at all.

Would I even be missed on this planet if something happened?
Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever find someone who cares about me like I care about others.
All I want it so feel needed, loved, missed. I know that's pathetic for many, and that it shouldn't be needed as you should be so secure in yourself you don't need it from others. But I don't feel that and even on the days I have confidence I just want some attention of "I miss you", "I'm so happy I have you", "I love you", "you're one of my favourite people".

I don't know myself and I get pushed back to square one every time I think I've gotten somewhere. I don't have confidence enough to believe in myself. I don't have confidence enough to be okay hours and hours of not hearing a word. I will get worried sick and freak out.

I'm trying, I'm trying to be enough. But I don't think it's a possibility. I just want to be enough for once, even if it's impossible.
I don't want people getting frustrated/mad/angry at me because I care so much, because I love so much, because I worry for your well being. I don't know what to do. I don't know myself.

Kiss&hug 😘❤️

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Painful
Not enough
Difficult
Draining
Hard work
Seems to never cover

Your best?
It IS enough!

Trust me, I know it's painful, I know it never feels like enough, I know it's draining you. But your best is enough and it's all ANYONE can ask from you. That includes yourself. You deserve to be with people who sees how hard you try. How much you're doing your best in the current situation. And yourself is probably the biggest enemy here. Realise when you've done your best and then give yourself a minute to cope.

It's so difficult and oh shit, it hurts like hell. Trying and trying and trying yet not sure anything you'll ever do will be enough. When you're pushing yourself to the limit but not knowing if it cuts it? If your best does it. It's painful.

I feel like if I'm pushing more now I'll just fall off the bridge. Lose the grip and slip. Do people recognise when you're doing your best?
Do you recognise it on yourself?

I'm trying so hard to do and say the right things yet it just doesn't come out right or something because no matter how hard I try, it ends worse.
I do my best to do right and happy.
Why does it turn to the opposite??

Guys... your best is enough and only the right will see how hard you try. Seems impossible I know. I'm struggling with it myself. Is it really possible to find anyone who understands?
Who really sees your effort and fight behind the actions.. does that exist I wonder.

I'm doing my best in my current situation.
I am hundred percent sure you're doing your best in your current situation too.

It might just be hard to see as we put on different faces.

Hang in there loved ones! And, your best is enough for me!

Kiss&hug😘❤️

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Last two weeks? Living hell.
I didn't leave home for a week. I actually didn't leave home in a whole week. And when I finally did leave it was for an hour and a walk Ina near by park with a friend. A miracle really I went out and even saw a friend?
So last two weeks. Living hell.
But I'm slowly getting back, I'll see a friend today again so I'm slowly coming back. I don't look sick anymore and my appetite is slightly better. So I'm slowly movies back to better. Well, you know. Better for a bit then it'll fall back but for now, I'm slowly getting back. For how long I have no idea. Might just be a day or two or a week? Who knows.

So I'm sorry for the bad updating but I was two down to even write. And that's new for me. I've locked out all feelings. I've locked in.

I'm not sure it's okay, but it should be. It should be okay to have bad weeks where you just shut out. It's not good in the long run but when you feel like you're losing everything around you. Losing the grip. It's hard to pull yourself together and staying home I don't need to pretend. I don't need to walk with a fake smile. It's been hell haha but I don't know how to deal with it.

So is it okay? Is it okay to close off everything?
I guess it is right? I has to be. And it will turn out okay. Life should somehow turn out okay? I hope it will at least.

Kiss&hug 😘❤️

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Just let me leave. I can't do this. I'm so tired it hurts. Mentally and physical. I'm just so tired I can't do life more.
I feel like I'm too young for my own life. Things are happening that shouldn't to a 20 year old! I'm to young for this and I'm not ready for these kind of fights either. Not sure I can make it this time.
I just want to go, leave until things are better again. Sleep until I'm not tired anymore. I just want to leave.

I feel more lonely now than I have in a really long time. I'm by myself and I don't how to make it alone. I'm not strong enough. I'm breaking a bit more all the time, well that's how it feels at least. I'm trying to just smile, all the time be happy. It's not that easy. I'm not ready for this life and these struggles. I want a break, an escape.

I am happy too, for shorter times. Then all just goes away. But no matter how big the smile I still want a break. I wish that was possible. I know... "it's not supposed to be easy, it's supposed to be worth fighting for".. the thing is. I'm not sure I thin myself is worth fighting for. Others yes, that's something I know is worth fighting for but this, this is a whole new thing. Fight for myself? Not sure it's worth it. I have people in my life I'd do ANYTHING for, but I'd not do that for myself.

I feel like I'm the wrong person for this life. I'm not strong enough for it, good enough for it. Like I'm just the wrong person for this life...

Kiss&hug 😘❤️

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I'll tell you why I blog. I know I've done it before but I'll do it again. I don't give shit about perfect pictures that's why I use just pictures I either found or just taken with my phone. I don't care as I don't want my blog to be about the pictures. So perfect pictures aren't my thing.
Second, I know my grammar isn't perfect, I know I have misspellings. But I don't care. You understand what I try and say and about 99% of the time when I blog I'm upset or angry, sad etc so perfect English isn't really at top of my mind... I see the wrongs as I tend to read it the day after when I've coolen off and if it's nothing major I just leave it.

So I don't give shit about perfect pictures or perfect English as I want a blog that's as true as possible. And life? It's not perfect! Neither is my blog. I want to reflect life as it is and not suger coat it.

My words are my world, I don't write to get perfection I write to get reality. Hopefully help someone. Or just make people think twice.

So, I don't give shit about perfect pictures or perfect English as most of the time I write crying. It's not important to me that's it's not perfect. I just want to be honest and have a safe place.

I love you, remember that!

Kiss&hug 😘❤️

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This picture, this is so deep, so sad and so true! Take a really good look at it, really look at it.
This picture spoke so loudly to me. What on earth are we humans even doing? We don't know people's stories, their struggles yet we treat each other like we don't have feelings. That we can't get hurt. I really feel this picture, it makes me sad though. Both how fast we are to judge and how good we are to hide the truth.
I hide things too, a lot. I keep it to myself as that's just easier. Hide the truth. Pretend everything is just all good! I truly wish it was all good. That it wasn't just a face. I guess you learn to live with it.
It's amazing how one picture can make you feel a thousand things. Reality scares me, this is the world we live in.

Why do we judge before we try to understand? Before we even ask if there's a reason? Before we take a closer look?
There of course is a reason why we all learn to hide things so well. It's because when we show it, not all listen to understand, some just listen to have something on you, they stamp on it like dirt. You open up your very soul and it gets stamped on like it's dirt, worth nothing. I've been there and that hurts. That's pain. So we put an other layer with makeup on or another layer with clothes. All to hide the truth behind the smile that's fake.

Just because you smile doesn't mean you're happy. Have you ever thought of that?

We hide as we believe that's the best we can do. Secrets and hiding is a skill taught up by rejection, hurt, stamped on and judged.
Try and stay strong loved ones! Maybe it gets better and if it does that's not something you want to miss ❤️

Kiss&hug😘❤️

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So, here's some pictures from my birthday girls party. And from my birthday dinner. Such happy days!!

Puts a smile on my face. Don't ever think you don't deserve to have a good time!

Lots of love guys!

Kiss&Hug <3

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Hi guys!
I know it's been a while since I updated anything... why is actually simple, there have been so many things going on!! I've been through so many emotions and feelings that it let to not feeling anything. Nothing but numb.. so it's been hard to blog as I so badly want to show pictures from my birthday etc but that needs happy mood to do and I've not been happy long enough to get the motivation to write about it.

So I won't really show birthday pictures today either as I have all on my computer. But it will come! Just felt that I really needed to write something to you!

I'll add some quotes to keep in mind though..

And loved ones, love is always worth fighting for as one way or another it will happen. I don't know much or enough to talk to much. But it just has to be worth fighting for.

Kiss&hug 😘❤️

  • life

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I want to leave, just leave... it's so much now, it's really difficult. It's not fair..
life isn't fair and it hurts it's not. Sometimes I wonder if some people are even humans at all as they can do really hurtful things. We humans should help each other, support, be there! If humanity is to live on we need to start acting like humans...
It's so hard to find people who wants good for you, tries to actually help you and ask for nothing in return, that wants to see you get better. Helping and supporting. And life? Yes life just rips it away from you. It's not fair. It's rare to find it and when you do it's even harder to keep as our world is so messed up. It just get ripped away from you and that's a scare that won't heal. A wound that will let you bleed to death.
It's not fair. And I want to escape. Take a break from life. Just stop ruining everything. There's no worse feeling than being broken and feel like you're doing everything wrong because you need help.

We should fight for humanity, start supporting one and other and help out. Being humans.

Kiss&hug 😘❤️

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