Yes, I'm going all positive today, feel like I don't do that to much.. today I will, need to mix it up and I don't want you guys to think I'm unhappy! I struggle yes and some days/nights/weeks are just SHIT. But I have perfect in my life too. I have positive. I am happy.
So today we go with positive, we go with no complaints and no just writing off.
I have some really good friends, weird friends that makes me laugh, makes me do things. So today, it's all about the pictures!
And loved ones, find you a soulmate, your person, it only takes one real friend!

Kiss&hug 😘❤️

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You know the whole getting sad for no reason, tired all the time, this constant pressure and guilt I put on myself. It's not just "things" I can stop with. It's difficult for me all the time. Constant exhaustion.
If I could stop I would.
It do sometimes feel like people think I'm just saying things as a "get away" like I want this... sure it's so fun to be all good then on my own in the car the tears don't stop coming.
I've never wanted to actually die but I do want to be gone until all feels okay again.
It's bullshit this and I can PROMISE you, if I didn't feel any of this I wouldn't say it. It's not like it's nice for me. I'm 20 and tired constantly, it's not fun!
I go from nothing wrong to crying because it gets to much for me and I don't even know why. I'm at this point crying when I'm not even sad. It just comes and I can't stop...

I'm just sick and tired of people not understanding!! If you don't understand that's all good because you haven't felt like it yourself but don't tell me "if you're tired just sleep" "is it even worth crying for" "it wasn't your fault"...
Yeah that's what you see but in my head, I'm exhausted body and soul for no reason, for me it's not like I decide I'll cry it just starts and I CANT STOP IT, and yes maybe it wasn't my fault but someone needs to take responsibility for shit because here's a news for you, most people are selfish and loves to put the blame on anyone and anything but themselves..

So I'm just not sure how long I can do this. Tired constantly, crying for no reason and always backing up others faults... I know no one asked me to take the blame but it's a constant voice saying "you did this, it's your fault, you should have done/known better"
I want nothing else than for it to just stop and go away. Trust me on that.

So please guys, think of each other!! There are wars and hidden battles in people's head you can't see... be careful with your words and attitude when people open up to you ❤️

Kiss&hug 😘❤️

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What's okay to talk about?
How much is okay to say?
I've noticed that whenever I talk about my abuse, well this goes for most not all, anyway whenever I talk about the abuse people panic. I can see it in their eyes how they panic and get all uncomfortable. I understand why of course! It's not an easy thing to talk about and especially not with someone who have been through it when yourself hasn't. But I notice, people freak out because they don't know what to say. Or maybe they get worried on what I'll say next. The more I talk about it, the longer my sentence gets the more panic reflects in there eyes. Like I said I understand why as it's not easy. It's like people think about what I want to hear and to be honest that's simple. First if you read my blog you're welcome to talk to me, second I don't want anyone's petty? I don't need "it'll be okay" "I'm standing with you" "you can do this" because trust me, on a bad day when I feel shit those words don't get to me. The days where I feel weak it doesn't get to me when you say "you can do this". I have days when I'm ready to give up. Surrender. But I have some friends that polish my armour and sends me back to the war as I am the only one who can win it and fight it. It's my war to win. So really don't step on your toes because it get a little uncomfortable.
I don't need the thing you think I need. Say what you want and don't think about if you can. I rather hear "I have no idea how it feels but I bet it sucks" then "you'll be okay".
I'm not saying that those things are wrong to say but I do believe people tend to first think what they should say because I hear the same from so many but it just comes out like empty words. Say what you think. And people can ask me questions? I don't get angry about it. Yes I'm still fighting and maybe a question makes me sad but I know myself good enough to know which questions I can answer without breaking and to be honest I prefer you asking me if you now really care than that you just stand there staring at me hoping I'll stop talking soon as you panic.
I don't talk about it little because I can't talk about, I talk about it little because most times it feel like no one actually really cares. They walk on toes trying to just say the right thing but if the right thing isn't truth I don't want it.
I know it's hard I get that, but then don't say anything at all.

So really guys, sometimes a person in pain only needs you to say "I understand this sucks" don't talk about you know what the person have been through if you haven't gone through it yourself. But a simple "I'm sorry it happened to you and I bet it's really hard"
All the positivity can make it worse when everyone just say "what they should", there is no such thing.
I rather hear an honest "I bet it sucks" then a fake "I understand it's hard" because you don't.

Kiss&hug 😘❤️

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It's so unsure it's insane.. I have no clue what to do with myself and my life. Everything is very unsure at the moment so how can I even try to plan a future?

I guess that's okay though, to not have it figured out. And if you think about it, the future wont go anywhere. No matter what we do now or how unsure life is the future will always be ahead so why stress about something that cant go away? Sure it might not be a good future, or it's the best future. Who knows what will happen. I just don't think we should hurry to plan everything. The future is as unsure as it feels simply because you never know what will happen.


I thought of something the other day on why I as well don't want to try plan my future or try figure it out. I want to figure my past out before I figure out my future. I want to be clear with my past so I can leave it behind and then try figure out my future.


To be completely honest I'm not sure where this writing is headed... Well since I'm now confession tings I might as well say that the future scares me. Sometimes I really, really just want to tell people I'm leaving. That I have no idea where I want to go but that I'm simply leaving. The future is not something I'm necessarily looking forward to. I as most people have an imaginary future i would really like to have, But part of growing up is to see the truth for what it is. Some things just simply can't be. Not even in the best of futures. I'm scared for what the future will be like because I know it's nothing that I'm hoping it to be yet I'm not even sure I am hoping for anything?

That's why I don't want to even try to figure a future out when I'm still struggling so much with the past. I want to figure my past out before i figure my future out.


This may just come across like a bunch of words and make no real point or sense. Well that just fit in with that the future is just as unsure as this post. We don't know what it may be. And the future will see pointless at times to be a part of but let's try and hang in there and enjoy life now. Take time to feel the sun on the skin, smell the flowers, smile. Try to be happy in the now regardless to what you want your future to be like. Have people love you for all of you. The future will be what it will be and it might be scary so try and occupy the now with being simply happy.


Kiss&Hug! <3

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Listen to this one ❤️ oh gosh how I feel this! It's so good and so accurate!
So please, listen to it and really listen!

Kiss&hug 😘❤️

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So last night men in black was on tv. I watched for a little bit and he says "don't ask questions you don't want the answer to"
Shit that hit me haha, it's so clever and so simple.
I have so many questions but do I really want to know the answer?
If I'm afraid of the answer I probably think it is and I'm not prepared to hear the truth. It's such a different to think you know and then to hear it. I have questions I do know the answer to but I don't really want to hear it, I think it'll break me and hurt so deeply. I don't want to know the answer really.

So simply, to save ourself from the pain maybe just let it be? If it's good now, if it's working now why ask a question you know the answer to will take that away?
So if you're so scared of the answer don't ask. It really was so clever! How come I've never thought of that before? "Don't ask questions you don't want the answer to".
I for one am going to keep this in mind for the future.

If we don't want the answer, if we're not ready for the answer just don't ask the question. I have questions I don't ask because I know the answer will hurt to much to actually hear.

Kiss&hug 😘❤️

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So I've been thinking a lot. Well you know me, the usual. Lately things about the abuse have been hurting more than before. I figured out that maybe that's the case because I didn't dare to let me react before, when it happened. I didn't start seeing a psychologist until just recently? It's a few months ago, I don't remember exact date but I never went for help when I was really in it. I started long after to see help, talk about it, letting my body react how it wanted. I've cried a lot always since then. The abuse. But I'll be honest, I've felt a lot of anger too, disappoint, confusion. Never acted on it really, just crying at night when I'm alone in the dark. I've been so angry, with the whole situation, with what I was through, with what happened, with the fact he did this to so many girls. That this is something that happens in the world we live in. I've been angry and never let my body react to it. I've done that lately. The other day I had a bad breakdown, I have had this t-shirt since then, I had it on at one of the times the abuse happened. I've also had this picture, with my friends, love the picture but that night he was texting me constantly wanting me to walk home so he could see me in cam. So I don't really have good memories. I've wanted to get rid of that for ages but never let myself. So the other day I for the first time really reacted on anger. So I tore the tshirt apart and ripped the picture to pieces.

The thing is, I go through times of lighter depression. That's a fact. And I still break apart, I still cry for no reason. And lately I've let my body react the way it need to heal.
The truth is shit. It's hard. I keep getting the "it's okay to react, to scream, to cry, to feel bad"
I guess that's true. It's scary though, that I know have started to react on things I usually didn't. It's the same, I freeze and I panic as soon as I hear things about abuse or rape. I didn't do that before. So maybe I'm first now letting my body react. I think.

All I want it some peace.

Anyway, it's okay to be angry you know? Just don't hurt others to get it out. It's not worth that. But scream if you have too? Rip things... let your body react on things. Sometimes it's part of the healing.

Kiss&hug😘❤️

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...Losing my way, finding my soul.

Sometimes you need to lose your way to find your soul. Be lost for a moment. Try the wilderness to figure out what you want to do. What your soul is passionate about, where you want to go, who you want to be.
I think it's time, to just get out in the wild, follow no tracks and find my soul. I don't want to wake up in 5 years feeling I have no clue about my soul. I don't want to realise I've missed out on living.
We have this one life, live it. Love who you think is right, be someone you're happy with, spend time with people who makes you feel alive, do the things you want. Time passes by so fast.
And me for one, I rather wake up in ten years thinking "I can't believe I did that" or "I did live, made amazing mistakes" than "I should have done it" or "I wonder what would happen if I had done that"

So. It's time.
Into the wild I go: losing my way, finding my soul.

Kiss&hug 😘❤️

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I've said before I'm an emotional person, always have been and always will...
I tried to be a not emotional person and in that process I almost lost myself.
Being emotional is part of who I am. When in realised I was pretending so many things fell to place. Lately I've said a lot that I'm not sure if I like myself anymore. I get that now, I wasn't myself. I was pretending to be a none emotional person and I can't do that. I thought I was protecting myself. Truth be told, it made me hurt more than I ever have before.
I can't change what's part of my personality and I shouldn't need to? I should be happy and proud and so should you!
People just have to take that part of me if they want me in their life and deal with me having so much emotions. My emotions is one of the reasons I have such a big heart, that I care so much about others, that I have so much sympathy.
I won't change for anyone, not my personality, not things that makes me lose myself. Love me like this or don't bother.

So please guys. Don't lose yourself! Don't pretend and don't change things about you that makes you who you are. If people can't take all of you they don't deserve any of you. Be you and don't change ❤️
I promise, it hurts like hell to pretend and change something that is part of you so deeply. It's not worth it. Not now and not ever. You are you, and you will be loved for exactly that!

Kiss&hug ❤️😘

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There is this movie "Flicka" I absolutely love it. Connect with it in a very deep way, she, the girl in the movie says in the move that she's the same as the mustang. Misunderstood, free, alone. Mostly misunderstood. It got me thinking. We're all just misunderstood, I feel a lot like I am for sure, most of the time I feel like not even the closest to me gets me. I do things they question, things they wouldn't and they fail to understand why I'm doing what I am. Not all like my decisions or way of handling things. Like all. Others probably feel I do the same.
We're all misunderstood will say. We're all in this on our own. You have to find your own reason to live, there will always be lack of understanding from people.

I most of the time feel like I'm misunderstood, that people just don't get me. Maybe I'm right maybe I'm not. But this movie, I feel it so deeply. The way she connects with a horse for me is just what life is about. To connect and see yourself in a horse, get the trust between. It's indescribably...

So you do you, don't change that. People will misunderstand, they will fail to get you. Even the closest to you, even the people that can read you like a book. You're on your own in this world. You'll meet people that will help along the way but it will always be down to you to figure out your life. Well I have God and I wish for all to find him. He knows and he gets you.

We do decisions we shouldn't, say things we regret, get in situations where we probably shouldn't be. People won't get that but if it's what you think is right, what you think makes you happy. Then screw everyone else!
Just do you, never give up that, wouldn't it be wonderful if we all got to the end and could say "it was worth it" then to not try do your thing and regret it until death?

Whatever if it's something you shouldn't do, whatever if others disagree, whatever their opinion. Does it make you happy? Yes or no? It really is as simple as that.

I love you guys and wish for all the glory and love to embrace you!

Kiss&hug 😘❤️

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