Oh guys!!! I am so happy! I found my man, my prince. I have a horse again. Finally I have a horse to support me again. If you're a horse person you totally get this but if you're not let me try make it justice.
A horse to me is everything. It brings you peace, freedom, safety, adventure, love, trust, commitment, teamwork etc. I've always had horses. They entered my life when I was 6 and I fell deep and hard In love with the magnificent beast. When I was 15 and low self esteem entered I could count on the horse to back me up because I never felt judged by it. When then low self esteem lead to me getting in touch with the wrong guy/guys and I got sexually abused I could count on the horse. Without my horses I'm not complete. I have a dark whole in my heart and only a horse can fix it. It's to me why I'm still standing. When I'm around horses I don't need to think about what anyone thinks of me, not even what myself think of me. I know I'm not being judged. I could go anywhere in the world sitting on this four legged miracle. It's freedom galloping in the perfect spring sun. I enter another universe where doubt and fear and rejection doesn't even exist!
Yesterday I finally found a new horse, a new prince and I can't wait to get to know him.
He's very special and I think I somehow see myself in him. I see my pain. He's injured, most horse people wouldn't take a risk like this. He's a risk to be around because he can get worse, or better. Like me, I'm in a healing stage and I understand if some people would prefer not knowing my pain. His injury isn't a thing just anyone could take care of, like my pain isn't something just anyone could help. He has so much personality, gorgeous to look at and social. He's a strong one. A fighter and he will be fine because I'm believing in him the way I'm learning to believe in myself. I think he's worth the risk and I hope I learn that about myself too.
So I see myself in him. An energetic individual that just happens to be a little broken now and in a healing process, just like me. He's a winner and I think I have great potential to win with him.
I think the one thing that really made me want him his actually his injury. I can see where he hurt and I can help him. He's not unwanted because he's injured and can't do what he was breed to do. This is what I want to learn. I'm not unwanted just because I'm a little broken.
Neither are you! You're not unwanted because you're a little broken or a little lost maybe. The right people will still see you and believe in you.
Just like I believe in my prince!

Don't give up and you're not unwanted! You're highly wanted by the people who sees you. I think and I believe with my whole heart that you are wanted by more people than you may think.

Ezther.blog@hotmail.com

Kiss&hug 😘❤️

Blog using your mobile phone - One of the best blogging apps on the market - Click here

Likes

Comments

I don't know, I always work from the title because that's the most important bit. It's the base for me and I have no clue today. I'm smashed in thoughts and feelings and I don't even have words for it. I always have words, I can always write. It's my rescue and I'm lost in words. I don't have them? I'm freaking out! I started this post three days ago!! Yet I'm struggling...
But you know what? Sometimes you just want to hide. When you can't talk to anyone you got I plan B which is hide. Hide to save yourself. Plan A is to talk to your person, plan B is hide. There's is though no plan C. There isn't always hiding places and not always someone to talk to. So plan C turns out to be keep it to yourself and it'll kill part of you.
I've come to learn that sometimes you need a present and a future to understand the huge impact the past had. I'm now standing in a place realising I'm much more broken and hurt because of the past than I knew. I though i had moved on mostly but turns out I'm really broken. It affects so many things in my life.

I've let many parts of me die and maybe that's why I don't know who I am? I've let to many parts die so now I have to find new parts that fits and can be me. That sounds awful. Find new pieces to fit in that are alive? Or can I hope that my died parts can resurrected again?
Questions and more questions. Will they ever be answered I wonder?

Will you find pieces to take the old place for the old pieces or are you just to learn to live with missing pieces? Being a unfinished puzzle or search for missing pieces hoping they exist so you can feel whole again? Or do you just make them yourself? Maybe we rely on someone to have them for us. Someone to be our hero to save us all heroic. I believe people can save you. I had someone save me from myself so I know it can happen. I know for fact that people can save you. People can be your hero. But it only works for a while then you realise that the only one who can be your hero is no boyfriend, no girlfriend, no soulmate, no friend, no family, no belief. It's you. You need to be your own hero and you need to save yourself in the end.
Like I said I had someone save me from myself and I am forever grateful for that. And I was saved, I got a hero. And it has taken me this far, giving me new hope and something to fight for. In the end though you have to be your own hero and save yourself. Fix your missing pieces, find them on your own because there will be no one just handing them to you.

I hope and I pray that I one day can be my own hero and save myself. Do the fairytale heroic thing and save myself.

Ezther.blog@hotmail.com

Kiss&hug 😘❤️

Likes

Comments

I've got two new tattoos!!!! Over the moon happy! You know I think tattoos are incredible beautiful, it makes me feel more beautiful. I don't like jewellery so nice tattoos helps me with that as it's a gorgeous pice. It's a love I've got.
So I've got a horse on my thigh and then me and hanna have done a best friend tattoo together too. Super pleased. It turned out so good.

So now I've done my first big one, it looks amazing if you ask me!

Had a nice weekend with some girlfriends too, and I don't really have much to say about it. It was nice. I had a good time.

I have so much I want to write but I've not yet figured out how to put my words so this update is in my opinion a bit boring. I promise next one will be better and it will come soon.
Enjoy the pictures though, and admire my tattoo because I really do. 

Don't forget that you can always talk to me about ANYTHING!!  : ezther.blog@hotmail.com​


Kiss&hug 😘❤️

Likes

Comments

It's time for a new truth check.
I've told you I'm seeing a counsellor and I've said I have a lot of new struggles etc. I have anxiety and depression. And it is so scary.
I'm terrified! I don't know why because I know it's a good thing to know my issues have a base now so I know what to work with but I am so scared. How am I going to be okay with the fact that the whole me I know is not me?
It's not just that I'm a sensitive person I have problems. I am struggling so much with accepting the anxiety and depression. Accepting that I have zero love and trust for myself. I don't know who I am.

So this is a truth check, I don't lie to you and this way I can talk about it even if I don't know who reads it. It somehow gives me peace in mind. I don't know if I know you in person or not but if I don't know you in person I wish I did.

My truth is that all my struggles the past years has an explanation. I now have something to work on, something to build on. I know why I cry none stop at night, why I'm always tired, taking everything so personal. I don't fully understand it but I can work on it and I know it's something I can change. I can learn and live with. I can get well agin.

It's really hard to talk about the inner pain, the mental health. It's difficult because so many don't understand it and take it as you just want some attention. I don't care for your attention, if I wanted it I wouldn't make up I was suffering in silence. It's not a cry for attention it's a cry for help. And a cry for help is something you can fix, something you can figure out.

If you wish to talk to me contact:
Ezther.blog@hotmail.com

Kiss&hug 😘❤️

Likes

Comments

I've now done my extra email account, feel free to type me if you want to ease your heart!
I want it to be confidential so nothing of it will come out!
Swedish or English is the languages I understand, you can write me anything and I'll do my very best to be a person who can be there for you, help you.

My idea for this is because I would give anything to have someone secret to talk to. Ease my heart too. Someone who doesn't really know me and I find it much easier to talk with a scream between. I wished there was someone when I was scared to just rant too. So that's what I want to give an opportunity for.
There will be no judgements and I promise to do my best. Talk about anything! Love, friendship, abuse etc. I've been through a bit in my life and I promise, I understand how hard it is to talk about surten things.

I hope this can help someone get ease at mind and heart!
You are loved and don't give up just yet ❤️

Ezther.blog@hotmail.com

That's my email and remember, no judgments and don't be shy!

Kiss&hug 😘❤️

Likes

Comments

So guys, kiss me goodbye. I'm up for a huge work, no but I'm tough going to take a long and hard journey to get better.
I'm not well, I'm falling apart and right now I'm in an adapting period where I need to accept and understand so many things about myself. It's so scary and it's way more difficult than I thought.
I don't really dare to write to much about it because it's so very new to me and I am terrified.

So I will kiss myself goodbye and head for better, I will get better.
Well it will take a while and it will be hard and I will keep needing you guys so don't go anywhere!

I can tell a little more, I'm seeing a counsellor again, and she's amazing!! I'm learning a lot about myself and I have so much work to do to get better. I thought I was you know, better and I was then I lost a very close friend and the world fell again. Losing someone you trust with everything is painful, so I was back in the fear of talking and telling the things that haunts me. So after all that going down I was alone again and no one I trusted the same way, no one who understood me the same way. This hit hard so I seeked other options and I got a great councillor.
I will get better and trust me, I'm so scared.

But I'm not well, and it's okay. It's okay not to be well and it's okay to seek help when things are to hard. It doesn't matter who you tell, just let someone help you! I will myself creat a email for my blog and you can tell me if that helps.
So next update I will give you an email you can write to if you want. If it helps. If it feels safe. I've learnt that sometimes it's very calming to talk to someone you don't really know and someone who's not in the everyday group of people you meet.

Kiss&hug ❤️😘

Likes

Comments

"I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately"

This is everything, it's one sentence has so many useless words for a simple meaning. There are so many words that makes the sentence almost hard to say. All that needed to be said was "I want to be me", same purpose but much easier. So here's the thing, it's life. Life has so many unnecessary things making it difficult to live. Something have changed lately and I don't know what but I feel different. I can't put my finger on it but I feel different. Maybe more me or I'm finding myself again.

But I feel that sentence so weirdly much. The more times I repeat it the more I understand it. It's blowing my mind in thoughts, meanings and everything else.It's my new favorite sentence. I'm going CRAZY over this sentence.

I am though not sure whats going on with me but I feel different, something is different and I wish I could know what it is and expalin to you guys but I have no clue.

Here's some pictures Hanna took not long ago, Part one because there will be the other part of the shoot coming up soon!

Closer thinking, I think I feel different probably because I'm starting to get comfortable in my own skin. In my own mind. I think I'm finding someone inside me that have been lost to long.


Kiss&hug loved ones <3

Likes

Comments

You know what? I am sorry. I am deeply and truthfully sorry.
You know I once read this quote, "I'm sorry for the people I hurt while I was hurting". And I get it. And I am sorry. I think you do hurt others intentionally or unintentionally when you're hurting yourself. It doesn't make it any less wrong. You hurting doesn't make it okay to hurt any one else.
I do it, not on purpose but I think I hurt others when I'm hurting. I recently just got it. I don't do it intentionally, I don't mean to hurt. I don't mean to get an attitude, or say comments that's not fair. I don't want to be that girl and I just today understood I do hurt others when I am hurting. And it's not fair to the people I love. They don't need things like that.

I don't ever want to lose the ones I love because I said something stupid unintentionally. I won't lose someone because of that. To hurt others to cover up the hurt you feel within yourself. It's not okay and it's not fair. And here's a secret, it end up hurting so much more in the end.

So I am sorry for everyone I've ever hurt while I was hurting. I want you to know, I don't for a second think it is okay or fair.

Kiss&hug 😘❤️

Likes

Comments

I know I've been bad updating I just don't know where to start as I have so much... so until I've figured that out here's my new favourite song.

Kiss&hug 😘❤️

Likes

Comments

How does it even work? I don't understand at all. One day I'm confident to a hundred, I believe in myself and can say to people who has me they are lucky. Then the next day I don't even know if I'm worth knowing? Do I make a difference in this world even or just a great way to waist time for a bit.
I don't know myself, I don't understand myself and I'm not very sure I'm at any need. One day I get so far, I have confidence, I believe that people need me, I think they're happy to know me. My confidence is good and I know myself, I'm happy and you know, feel needed.
Then something happens and I get hit back to square one. Where confidence doesn't exist, that people need me is an impossibility, I can't in anyway believe anyone is happy to have me. So the confidence goes, I don't know myself, I'm not happy and you know, not needed at all.

Would I even be missed on this planet if something happened?
Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever find someone who cares about me like I care about others.
All I want it so feel needed, loved, missed. I know that's pathetic for many, and that it shouldn't be needed as you should be so secure in yourself you don't need it from others. But I don't feel that and even on the days I have confidence I just want some attention of "I miss you", "I'm so happy I have you", "I love you", "you're one of my favourite people".

I don't know myself and I get pushed back to square one every time I think I've gotten somewhere. I don't have confidence enough to believe in myself. I don't have confidence enough to be okay hours and hours of not hearing a word. I will get worried sick and freak out.

I'm trying, I'm trying to be enough. But I don't think it's a possibility. I just want to be enough for once, even if it's impossible.
I don't want people getting frustrated/mad/angry at me because I care so much, because I love so much, because I worry for your well being. I don't know what to do. I don't know myself.

Kiss&hug 😘❤️

Likes

Comments