That's just it. I'm emotionally drained and it's killing me. I've cried like 20 times today, from no where the eyes just tear up and I can't stop it. Then when I've wiped all the tears away I just start crying again. This have been such a shit day... beginning of this year have not been in my advantage. I have no energy what's so ever at the moment, nothing at all. I feel like I'm alive but I'm not living. It's just like I'm breathing but I'm not here. I don't know what to do really, I'm falling apart. It's painful and it sucks.

My one escape I have always been able to count on is my riding but I'm not allowed to ride at the moment and I don't know when I will be allowed again... so I haw my five year old horse that should be ready in may and I've barely started training. So how should this end?

I'm so tired, so lost, so done. I'm just so emotionally drained. I need something good to happen, I need just something to kick me up.

I know, I'm supposed to keep the shine up here, tell you something that can help you guys but right now I have nothing. It will get better. I can say that. And the hardest roads always lead to the most beautiful destinations.
The things that is hard now, the struggles, eventually it will have been worth it all.
Or that's what I'm telling myself at least. Keep the tiny hope up and just hope this gets past soon. It will pass eventually.

Anyway, I just needed to write.
I do have some hope just not much shine at the moment. It will change!
I love you all guys ❤

Kiss&hug 😘❤



Sometimes I feel like I take the love for myself for granted... like it's not important?
It should be the most important thing in life really. Self love, self worth.
But we're people and needs too feel it from others. Well we don't need it really but we feel like we do. I can feel that it's easier to love someone else and a lot harder to love myself. I think it's because with others you don't know all the flaws, you don't know the whole story so really we don't have to come and love all because we don't know all. With ourself we know everything, we know our thinking, we know all of our looks and we see ourself everyday, every single pice of our selfs we know and maybe that's why it's hard to love ourself?
I don't know if I have any good coming from today's writing but I've just thought about it lately.
What about self love?
Why isn't it important? Why do we find it so hard?
People say you can't love anyone else unless you love yourself. True but I don't love myself everyday but I love others everyday so it's partly wrong? Or?
I more think we can't believe someone else can love us if we can't love ourself.
To get secure in yourself we need to love ourself, we get more independent then. We get stronger. But it's so hard!!
It's really a struggle for me at least.
I do love myself mostly but I have a really hard time thinking someone else could love me for real as for me it's "what about me is it to love"? It's not that I think people lie to me if they say they love me it's more a "how?"

Like I said, I don't know if any of this helps at all or make sense... I just had to at least try to express it!

Love you guys ❤️



I don't buy the "new year new me" if you can't change all the other days of the year you won't be able to change now either. So what's up with that really? You say all this thing "I will start training this year, I'll get Healthy" etc. Most of the people saying that start in January and keeps it up for what, like a month?
I'm not saying this is all people but most.
Why have new year become a day where you're almost have to have New Years resolutions? You can change and decide any day?
I didn't do any New Years "promises", I want to keep going, getter better, find who I am but that's my promise every day of the year.
I want to achieve things, I want to push myself and do better. But not because it's new year?

Anyhow, hope you had an amazing new year and got a New Years kiss :*
My new year was very nice after all. It was a good night^^

Happy new year guys ❤️
Kiss&hug 😘❤️



There is a lot happening at once!! But... it could of been worse.
This Christmas have had it all for me. Exactly everything in one long weekend. Insane yes.
That's not really what I wanted to talk about though. Christmas was great!
Hope you all guys had an amazing Christmas among family and friends ^^

Anyhow, to business. It could of been worse. I can't decide rather that's a positive thinking way or not. I mean to always think that might help or break. Yes it could of been worse, but for me it not sure it makes me feel more positive? It can always be worse so why think it? Should be better to just be, i don't know.. it can help sometimes maybe, make you more positive. I don't think it sounds that positive. "It could of been worse" well yeah it could but it doesn't make the bad thing that did happen better really? Then again maybe it does? It could make the bad thing that happened seem less bad cuz it could been worse.
This plays with my mind a lot at the moment. Could it be worse and by thinking it do you get more positive or not?
I'm not sure it really helps me.. if you constantly think that it could be worse you might as well think it could of been better? And that might not help to much.. it might make you fight more or it makes you give up.
It can always be worse and it can always be better. You'll always find something that could make the thing worse or better. And thinking it all the time will drive you to madness!!!
I think you should just let what was be. It was one way and then you don't need to think more if it could be worse because it could be better to. It is what it is. Make the most of it!
Just don't let the "it could be worse or it could be better" destroy you, it will if you always think like that!

Take care my loved ones and let what Is be, it is what it is ❤️

Kiss&hug 😘❤️



Let's do the things we want to, who cares what others think?
Does it make you happy?
Yes then go for it if no then don't
Is it good for you?
Yes then go for it if no then don't

But live!!! Don't sit back waiting for others so approve of what you want to do. You know yourself way better then you think. You know what's good for you, you know what makes you happy even if it doesn't feel like that all the time.
Thursday I didn't get in to college and that sucked... I got really disappointed.. it did sort of ruin a bit of my day but that was wrong. It's just material and life goes on. Maybe this is not my year to study? Maybe I'm not ready anyway? Maybe I'm not supposed to?
Sometimes you get so in to what you think is the best for you but you know you can be wrong. I believe in God as you know. And I think he has a plan. I just don't know it yet but I will and life will work out.

Right now maybe I just need exactly what I have now? I am happy and I think I am doing what is good for me. Still need to learn a lot haha but I will get there.

So I've gone to a psychologist once and I'm going tomorrow again. I haven't told people about it really because they don't need to know. I know and I'm the one who's going so that's sort of enough. Well now all my readers know, it's not that I'm ashamed really just that it's terrifying for me and the last I need is others to comment on it. I've told the people I know will support me for real.

Anyway that was a little side object!

My point is, do what's best for you and then don't care. And I know, we don't always know what's best for ourselves but we do know ourselves more then we know. Sometimes we just try to rethink because we're scared we know ourselves wrong. Maybe we do but maybe it was worth the trip to figure that out?

So live, because you won't be here forever
Love, we don't get enough of that in the world
Laugh, we need more of it

I believe when you love someone a little extra, I'm talking feelings now, tell them. We don't know how much time we have. So tell them! Make them feel loved and even if they don't feel the same back, you will still have made a difference and you don't have to feel "I wish I told him/her when I could"
Some chancyou only get once!
It sucks to tell someone you love them and they don't feel the same back but somehow I think it's worth the heartache. People fight with things you have no clue about. So maybe it's just as simple as they just can't. Maybe they do love you back but it's not as simple as that.
Tell them you love them while you still can.
You might already know the facts, the logic that you won't end up with that person, that it's just not going to happen even if you do love them, love doesn't hurt.
Illogical love.
Love has power and you never know what happens. You could change the way someone sees the world because you give love. You might save them from being with someone who wouldn't love them or save them from being someone they are not supposed to do.
Don't ever underestimate the power behind love. And miracles happens you know❤️
Don't give up.

Live a little more
Love a little deeper
Laugh a little higher
And don't regret!

I love you guys 😘❤️
Kiss&hug ❤️😘



I'm confused to a hundred...
what and why?

I don't knkw what to do...
If I believe I ruin something else and if I don't do anything I might ruin the future.
I'm so lost.
It's hard to think straight when it's all just spinning?
All the thoughts is messed up!!!
I was just back on earth, had my emotions and feelings and thoughts just back together then BAM it all got messed up again...

Saturday had such an awful morning so I did want to cancel on my friends but I pulled myself together and felt better and went then it all just got spinning again and yeah....
I have no clue anymore

I guess that's part of life?
But it was so amazing to have all my emotions and feelings and thoughts all on the same page, sucks it got messed up so quickly...

Well... we all just need to hang in there!
Kiss&hug 😘❤️



It's so frustrating... it's like if I'm happy for to long I just have to get sad even if I have nothing to be sad over?
Does anyone else feel this?
For me it's like the light just get turned off or like you just hit a wall. It can be all so good, I can be so happy then with no warning I just hit a wall or the light just get turned off...
it's killing me to be honest. I want to be happy but it's really like it's "you've been happy for to long now so let's drown you in thoughts so you get sad and broken again"... I don't know how to deal with it. I'm hoping to learn soon and get the help I need. But that's not something I want to talk about because it's a fight I have with myself.
It just hurts a lot and sometimes when all the thoughts just comes part of me just want to give up and stop trying to swim.
A lot of people don't understand this and that's why I don't talk about surten things because I get the reply like I'm a freaking idiot. So I keep
It to myself. I've tried of course, to talk about some things that crosses my mind and it's always the same thing. Still the closest tell me I can say everything to them. I do believe them
I guess it's just to heavy for them to understand which I'm sort of happy about in one way? You have to have had the thoughts yourself to get it. It just hurts to not be able to talk about it and when I've tried I get the response I'm most afraid off... that I'm stupid. The "you can't think like that" "why would you say something like that"... it's difficult and it's killing me. It's not like I like thinking like that? Not like I'm doing it on purpose? I don't mean to think them things but I do and I have no one to tell them to simply because it's to heavy or something.

It's not always easy to fight a war that's against yourself. Your own thoughts... it's hurtful.
Yet yourself is the best person to tell all to because you won't get the reply like you're an idiot etc. I think you have to be your own best friend to survive. I know what I'm going through, I know how it feels, I know me. So I won't be judged to tell myself.
I know you need others to talk to as well, that's it's not good to keep it all to yourself but it's definitely easier when you've tried to tell others and felt like an idiot instead. I usually think like if I tell others it could hurt them to and I don't want anyone else to hurt. When I love someone I would literally go through hell for them. I would do anything. So to tell someone something that might hurt or ruin things I keep it to myself instead because I know I can deal with it.

I'll wrap this up now, I'll link a song to that I for the moment love!

Kiss&hug beloved ones 😘❤️

Listen to the song is my recommendation!



When you do your best,
Try your hardest
Keep pushing
And nothing you do feels good enough.

It hurts, deep. Sometimes I wonder why I even try. It's not going to be enough anyway. I'm not going to be enough.

You try so hard to show with words and with actions and nothing you do shines strong enough. When you're competing with the sun but your simply a star.
It's there, it shines, but never the way the sun does.

So I do wonder how when we do our best we still feel that we're not good enough?
What is there left to do? We can't try harder then our hardest and if that's isn't good enough then what is?
Then again how do I know? If I'm not good enough for myself obviously I can't be good enough for someone else.

And why even try to compete with the Sun? That's something that's a useless race.
Be your own Sun so you always are good enough! Shine strong enough for you.

One day someone else will see you as the Sun, and you will be good enough for more people then yourself.

Me for one can't wait until I'll be good enough for someone, well to be good enough for myself even...
I guess it'll come eventually but right now it's just yeah... it's just that.

Me like so many other people need to work on myself, I'm so far from perfect and think low of myself most of the time. Like I'm never good enough, and I might never be. That's my thinking so I'm working on myself constantly. As all of us should. Always strive to be better for ourselves.

I just simply don't feel good enough right now. Probably because I'm competing with a Sun when I'm only a star, if I'm even that.

Kiss&hug 😘❤️

And try not to compete with a Sun, be your own Sun and compete with yourself!



Here's something to think about, are you true to yourself? Are you doing what you want? Are you who you want to be? Yes then screw what other thinks if no then change for you.
So simply are you true to you?

You can cheat on yourself to, don't forget that... cheating isn't just in relationships with your partner, boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife. Cheating is in the relationship with yourself to.
If you are not who you want to be that is cheating.

I think I've just started to be true to me. I wasn't before, I wanted to be like other ladies wanted me to be. I'm trying to stop cheating on myself. I don't need to make up excuses for no one, never less myself. To be honest I feel more like me then I ever have before.

I saw a quote not long ago that went "I think I like who I'm becoming" and that's exactly how I feel at the moment.
I like where I'm going with myself.

I'm not in a relationship, but for you who are, you can't be true to someone else unless you are true to yourself. It's not easy I know that, but it's worth frighting for. It's worth the heartache, it's worth the confusion. If you get true to yourself it will be so much easier to be true to someone else. To be yourself.
If you can't be yourself with yourself how should you possibly be able to be yourself with someone else?
So be true to you first!

I love you guys❤️

Kiss&hug 😘❤️



Be happy and enjoy life. It won't last forever so make the most of it ^^
I do want to write a long meaningful text but I just went blank!
I've been thinking a lot lately, about so much different things but I just went blank this exact second...

Anyhow, I'll show you guys some pictures of me and Nixon, my handsome man ^^