What is wrong with me? Like for real. Why is my life doing all this fucked up stuff to me. The girl I wrote about, the one that is still in love with and lives with her ex. She fucked me up. My mind. She poured her heart out to me and talked about all the stuff that's going on in her life. I was trying to be supportive and give advice. I told her some stuff too. We have actually never met irl. We have "known" each other for one year online now. But we never really talked about all this deep and emotional stuff. So I was a supporting friend or whatever and then out of the blue, she asked if I would go on a date with her! At first I was happy and shocked. I use to like her, before she got together with her ex. Then I got sad and mad, still in shock though. Some of the things we had talked about was, she was still in love with her ex and she loved being in love and in relationships. So she said, "you probably think I'm pathetic". I said "no, but I am" and explained that I never enter romantic relationships because I don't want to get hurt. The fact that I had explained this to her made me feel crappy, it was like she hadn't listened or cared for my feelings. That she just wanted someone to get over her ex. I had also told her, no one want's to be a rebound and told her that I don't want to be her rebound.

It made me uppset, and mad with her. I took some of it out on her too, I might have gone a bit overboard. I tried to go back to "normal" and talk to her, but she was kind of distant. I asked her what she was thinking of. She said, "wondering why you are still talking to me when you don't like me". I said "I never said that". Okey, I am going to be honest, I did tell her "fuck you", reason was me being really hurt and mad. After I had told her that I was sorry about that and explained my feelings to her again, put she didn't respond. Then we had another argument. By the way, all of this happened on snapchat, video and text from me to her and she only replying in text. And I even tried to call her ones. I hate to have an argument over text because it never ends well. And it didn't. I told her I wanted to be her friend, she said she saw no point in that. I asked what was wrong with me. She said "nothing, grow up, goodbye". I said "I just wanted to say that I like your laughter, bye".

Now I am trying to get over this thing. I really like her. And I would consider dating her. But not while she is in love with someone else. That would hurt to much if they all of the sudden decided to get back together, they are best friends and still in each others life. After she removed me on snap I remember feeling my stomach dropping, I was using all my willpower to hold back my tears. I was on the train going back home with some friend. I just sat there quite, saying that I was tired from everything that happened at pride. My mind was spinning again. What's wrong with me?

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What the fuck? Why don't people understand that they deserve to be happy? I get so pissed of at my friends when they confide in me with their problems, and then don't even try to listen to my suggestions. If your girlfriend doesn't wanna be your girlfriend anymore but still let's you stay in her apartment, that is not fucking healthy! She is not gonna change her mind just because you drag out the search for a new apartment.. And you want to find someone new to love you, but you are afraid you won't find anyone that is as great as she is. Dude, she broke up with you, I think you will find someone better. But why do you have to find someone new right away? No one wants to be a rebound. Take some time to get over her and then you can move on with your love life.

WHAT - THE - FUCK - BYE

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I almost started crying at the gym today. After I was done with my workout. I went in to the changing room. Sat down on the bench next to my locker. And maybe it was the music but I felt so emotional. The tears snuck up on me. I wasn't prepared. But I turned my head to the wall and swallowed them. Instead of feeling sad when I worked out I was angry. Mad really. I hate her. Right now I hate her. And that is not fare. Because she is doesn't deserve that. But I can't help it. She makes me feel so bad. But it's not her fault. It's my fault. I should just get over it. Get over her. But it seems impossible. She use to make me feel happy. And then I ruined it, by developing a major crush on her. Fuck me.

I want to die. But I want to live. So it's complicated. I love my life sometimes. Then I remember something that makes me feel bad. And I hate my life again. Now I am crying again.

LOVE EVERY MOMENT - TRUST SOMEONE - BYE

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My stomach is feeling weird. I just don't know if it's gas, period cramps or me feeling worthless. I feel so down. Even though today was a good day, kind of. After I got of work at 9am I saw the sun was up. The weather was nice so I decided to spend some time in the garden. Taking in the sun and watching youtube. I felt good. I almost spent 5 hours out there. Didn't think about anything crap in my life. It was probably all just bottled up. Because now, I feel so sad. And I want to cry. I am crying. Why do I only wan't to be friends with people that lie to me and have crushes on people that will never like me back.

I am watching ouat. Sometimes I wish my life was a tale. A fairytale, sure. Just don't think I would ever have a happy ending. But maybe. I have to have some kind of faith or hope. I mean, I haven't given up on life completely. Yet.

YOU WILL SURVIVE - HAVE HOPE - BYE 


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Can't really sleep right now. I'ts like I'm trying to stall. So that I can sleep during daytime. When every other human is awake. If I need to sleep, I have a reason for avoiding them and not leaving the house all day. Sometime I feel like, today is the day I'm gonna go to bed early. But it never actually happens. I often fall asleep late. But that is only because the button in my head is switched on.

I went to the gym at 7pm. I had been home all day. Working, sleeping, watching youtube, eating, sleeping some more. Like I wrote, not leaving the house at all. It made me feel a little better after. But during my workout, when I don't have anyone to talk to at the gym, my mind is still spinning. Every reason that I am not a good person, nobody likes me, I'm ugly. Everything is going around and around. I don't feel anything. I can do my workout and not feel tired, exhausted or any of the burning pain from exercises. I just stare at the clock. Listen to the music. And have a wild unhealthy discussion with myself in my head.

YOU ARE GOOD - SOMEBODY CARES - BYE



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Right now I'm sitting in bed listening to music. My stomach is cramping and so is my heart. I recently broke up with a friend. That did not like me the same way I liked them. It just feels like somebody shoved a stick in my abdomen and they are stirring it around. I want to move pass this but it feels impossible. This person is on my mind everyday. The sadness have taken over my mind and my inner self. I am still able to handle my outside life. But no one knows what is actually going on inside of me. I need to clean and organize my room. I hope that cleans my mind a little bit too.

SOMEBODY LOVES YOU - REMEMBER THAT - BYE

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