Att spela handboll med er har lärt mig att det oftast, om inte alltid, krävs mer än en person för att lyckas med något. Samarbete och teamwork kommer alltid behövas genom livet. Teamworks kanske sämre motsats är konkurrens. Även om konkurrens varit något dålig har det lärt mig kämpa lite för vad jag vill, att inte ge upp och att hårt jobb och engagemang överväger talang i slutändan, alltid.

Att spela handboll med er har lärt mig om integritet och att tro på sig själv. Handboll har blivit min identitet. Jag började i en ny skola genom att presentera mig med: “Jag heter Emma och jag spelar handboll”. Det var länken mellan något gammalt och nytt. Även nu så är jag osäker på om jag kan, eller om jag ska våga chansa, men jag tror inte att jag skulle ha stått ut med att vara med personen jag var innan jag träffade er.

Att spela handboll med er har varit min anledning att vilja leva när det har varit som allra mörkast. Inte bara för endorfinerna, men för att när jag inte vetat vart jag ska ta vägen så har planen och sporten funnits där som flyktväg. Att träna så hårt att man inte har tid att tänka, jag kan inte vara ensam om att känna så ibland.

Att spela handboll med er kan jag ju lätt också säga har räddat mitt idrottsbetyg i snart fyra år… Tack Linda och all jeevla löpning för mitt A i idrott.

Vi har, eller sorgligt nog hade ett grymt lag. Vi har fått reparera det alltför många gånger efter att folk har slutat men jag tycker ändå att vi hade något riktigt bra nära slutet. Synd att det skulle vara slutet.

Jag kommer sakna er. Jag kommer sakna att se vissa av er fyra gånger i veckan. Att slita och jobba med er men veta att vi kämpade för något vi alla hade gemensamt. Okej, vi har det fortfarande gemensamt men på olika håll.

Jag kan lätt säga att lira klisterboll med er och alla andra som slutat, även all tid innan klister och vax, har förändrat mitt liv.

Jag är så tacksam för allt ni lärt mig; om livet, styrka och att framför allt att spela handboll.

Vi ses på planen, allihop.

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Välkommen till livet igen.

Teoretiskt sett lämnade du oss tack och lov aldrig, men att vara så fångad som du varit, och faktiskt kanske fortfarande är, är inte att leva.

Du har nog sett bland det värsta världen har att erbjuda. Du har fallit i alltför många gropar och stött på alltför många hinder i ditt relativt korta liv. Gropar och hinder som har hindrat dig från att leva. Jag är verkligen ledsen för det.

Men ditt liv har faktiskt varit ganska kort, även om det känts som om tiden stått still eller som om det aldrig någonsin kommer bli bättre. Men se på dig nu. Se på vad du faktiskt åstadkommit som du någon gång trott omöjligt. Vägen hit är egentligen oviktig för huvudsaken är att du är här. Se på fakta om du har svårt se igenom dåligt självförtroende eller bär på förstörd självkänsla.

Du har fått chansen alltför många aldrig får. Äran, och privilegiet, att få ändra på det du inte vill ha kvar, för du har faktiskt tid. Hur många ligger inte på dödsbädden och ångrar att de inte tog beslut som kunde förhindrat deras sorger?

Om du liknar det vid att komma ut ur ett fängelse så har du först gjort något som lett till att du hamnat där. Du har begått ett brott, avsiktligt eller ej, i ditt fall mot dig själv. Men du har straffats länge nog. Du förtjänar att vara fri.
Dina bekymmer och motgångar tar inte slut bara för att du slutat begränsas till din cell. Det som kommer efter fångenskap är en strid som kanske aldrig någonsin tar slut. En strid om förlåtelse och kontroll.

Som du säkert redan vet finns det mer till att leva än att vara vid liv.
Att leva är inte att undra om hjärtat kommer ge upp på nästa slag. Att leva är inte att behöva känna ångestens eld brinna i bröstet varje gång man andas.
Att leva är att inte behöva tänka. Och du förtjänar att få leva så. Oavsett vad hjärnspökerna skriker till dig när du jobbar emot dem. Oavsett vad de viskar till dig om nätterna när du försöker sova.

Du har valt att leva. Och i och med det valet väljer du upp och nedgångar. Livet är ingen dans på rosor. Men livet är till för att levas, och vi alla har en inre vision om vad att leva innebär.

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The sudden rush at the start as you're swept away by the speed and acceleration. The wonderful feeling of something new, building up to something grand. Forever building up, taking the time needed. High, high above the ground, facing upwards and never touching the ground.

Then the turn. The peak. When everything is changing. Just know that you''ll never be this high again.

The fall down. Plunging deeper than ever because you realize there's no such thing as forever. Too fast to understand. The scary part is that you don't know for how long you'll fall. How deep. You can only hold on for dear life and hope that it will be over soon.

The rock bottom. Sooner of later you will reach the ground. Everything is dark and all of the rush is gone. Chocked after the fall, hurt and confused because of the sudden changes. Lack of understanding, both wanting an explanation but at the same time not.

The quick turns up and down. Moments of happiness. Being knocked down all over again. Up and down. Smiles and tears. Ecstasy and depression. Until you can't take it anymore and just... let go.

The end of the ride. You're sad that it's over but relieved because you're ready to stop it. Things might have gotten better, or you just don't have anymore tears left to shed. Anyway, you're a bit tired, back where you started but perhaps with a photo as a memory of what you went through.

And that's the end of the roller coaster.

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Who are you behind all the photos edited to perfection? Behind the comments from other people, confirming just how pretty you are?

Who are you without all the clothes covering you, contributing to the perfect image? Who are you without the fake lashes and the make up to cover up the imperfections created by society?

Who are you beneath the tanned skin and the fresh coat of nail polish? Who are you beneath the always styled hair and little smile?

Who are you? Who do you want to be?
Who are you when you're alone, without the audience? Are you really the same or is it all a cover?

Do you know how beautiful you are without constantly having other people tell you so? Do you feel comfortable enough to show your flaws? Do you dare speak your own opinion and not society´s?

If the answer is that you do, then that´s amazing. If not, then maybe you should start thinking about what´s going on... Because some day you might find that the people around you no longer support you, or has moved on, and then what are you going to do?

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Quiet nights in France:
Laying in one of those hotel beds that always are a bit uncomfortable, head propped up with a bunch of pillows to give you the right angle to read that book you bought at the airport to keep you occupied while flying, but you never had time to finish it since you were distracted.

The window is slightly open, just enough to let the faint sounds of a city at nine o'clock in. The cars driving past, hearing small fragments of conversation belonging to people walking past beneath the window, heading into the night.

There's a restaurant nearby. You can almost feel the smell from their kitchen, making you hungry again, even though you basically ate a lovely dinner just an hour ago.

Your feet are sore from walking around all day, but the good kind of sore. It is proof of the effort and everything you saw today.

The door to the bathroom is slightly open, just enough to let a small ray of light flow into the room. The water is making those little sounds it does when hitting the walls of the bathtub. You smile at the very thought of your loved one being here with you.

You still can't believe you're in Paris with the amazing person on the other side of the wall. That you are actually in the City of Love with your loved one.

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What is this?
This is just some random lyrics thrown together to fuck with people in the ranking hierarchy

Oh man do you remember the 70s?
Yeah, those kids started the revolution, today?
Brenda just got eighty likes on her instagram picture

Oh yeah let's just back it up
Go back in time to see what we've missed
Sex and drugs and rock'n roll, war, decease
What a hammer time!

Oh owowowowowowow oh owowowowowow

Let's see what we've missed
Sex and drugs and rock'n roll, war, decease
What a hammer time!

Oh owowowowowowow oh owowowowowow

Oh fuck this is starting to crash
Was was even my point?
Was it to justify this rotten world with all these rotten people
We sing these songs we know nothing about

Justice means that present generations shouldn't live at the expense of future ones
Yeah Brenda, you said it on your instagram, let's wrap it up

Let's see what we've missed
Sex and drugs and rock'n roll, war, decease
What a hammer time!

Oh owowowowowowow oh owowowowowow

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How can it be you are the one I see when I'm looking up at the sky and my mind washes blank
Still your face in in the stars and your body underneath me,
How? I'm still wondering why?

I'm listening
Baby, you can keep on listening
You can never stop that shimmering
Baby no no no the sun would never stop,
neither should you, with grace like the moon
So please just stay and listen

Your love was as honest as the politicians today
It was as hot as the ice in Antarctica and as dry as the water in the Mediterranean
How ironic is sounds when it was that that made me stay
Darling, ugly rarely changes but beauty often does (baby your ugly is in your mind)

We hope for goodness but fuck do we never learn?
The fruit is bitten, the original sin it's like I said

Darling, ugly rarely changes but beauty often does
Sing this chorus with me
Crucify all the pain
Dance this night away and repel the pain again

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Watching you friend fall apart is the worst.

They might not even know they're going down yet, but you can see where it will end up.

How they're slowly destroying themselves day by day. Each time you see them another piece of them is missing. That empty look in their eyes, like all colors and life has literally disappeared. Their hands always shake ever so slightly. You can see that they're hurting, how painful it is for them.

You can literally see how their mind is playing games with them, feeding them lies causing even more pain. When they push you away because of an innocent action from your side which their mind has twisted into something ugly, something bad. When you didn't hug them goodbye, when you unknowingly might have looked a bit too judgy at their shoes or jacket and their brain immediately does like: "Oh no she didn't! I should get rid of her as my friend because she judged me."
By doing this, they isolate themselves even further and as much as you try to get through, they push you away.

There's just nothing you can do.
You try to be supportive, be there for them. But as soon as you tell them about your concerns for them, how they're looking so tired or suggest that they shouldn't do all that stuff they do, then you´re out the door faster than you can blink..

I miss my friend. I miss the person she used to be. She was so incredibly talented and to see all that potential going to waste or being forgotten is sad. My friend before her sickness was an inspiration to me. And to so many others. People aspired to be her, live like her, have her life. And she tried to perfect her outside and image so much that she overstepped and fell all the way to the very bottom.

The bottom is cold and dark. There's nothing good about being there. No matter how much you beautify it by writing inspirational quotes and editing deep but beautiful images of how you have it, there's nothing but a lie to the eye.
It is a daily struggle, worse than I could ever imagine since I've never been there myself. I have just seen her tears at night, seen her panic every time they force her to do something her mind is trying to avoid at all costs. I have heard her scream that she want to die, that she want is all to stop.

Sometimes, in moments of weakness when it has been too much to see, hear and even feel her pain, I've almost wished for it to stop. Out of selfishness, I've wished for the easy way out for her. So she won't be in pain anymore. In those few moments, I've been disgusted of the very thought every time I've even dared to think about it.

But then I think about how unique she is, so much determination and strength, and how much she has survived already. And I remember her true smiles when we played our favorite sport together. I want her back. So I will help her get back, because I know she can. Because I really miss my friend.


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When you feel how your life falls apart and you can't actually do something about it other than just let it happen, because there's nothing to fight for. There's nothing you can do, because it is not your decision.

When you so naively held on to the thought of that it would last forever, but when you now have to face that it won't. That this is something that you will have to let go. That you have to realize that you have to let it end, and leave it as memories only.

When you count the hours until it's over, trying to prepare. But when it is time, no preparation on earth will be enough. You are as shocked and broken anyway.

When you know how much you will forget as the years go by. The wonderful sensations and rushes only that could give you.

When life moves on even though you don't want it to.

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You are so amazing. It is actually insane.

I have wished for friends who I feel comfortable enough to share everything with. And now I've confessed things to you I barely haven't been able to confess to myself either.

You both have your stories with your own battles you had to overcome, and you both did. You are so incredibly strong and I can't tell you how much I admire you. Your battles are far from over, you both carry scars that impact you even today and that's okay. I will help you carry your burden if it makes it easier.

I'll be here for you the same way you're there for me. So thank you.

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