Life can get you down so I just numb the way it feels, I drown it with a drink and out-of-date prescription pills.
I think I sat and tried to make a good sentence to start with for half an hour but I didn't found one so I think I jump straight in to it.
2 months ago I deleted all my social media (Instagram, twitter etc) because a friend of mine told me that she never had a Instagram account etc because it not her to have her face looking at the phone screen all the time and missing what happen around her. I thought that it was strong of her to be anti social media and if you wanna her something you either text, call or email her. Email, sounded so weird. So I deleted my social media except from my Facebook. It has been hard but so nice to read a book instead or talk to the person next to me at night. But lately I have still been checking Instagram or twitter or even people on Facebook that I don't know or not even have instresting in but just done it because I know I will feel a little bit worse and get a little bit more irriterad on them. Witch has lead to that I'm are a little bit more angry, irritated and just annoying at people I usually like.
When I got my panic attacks 2010. I was in a training stage in my life that was not health in any ways, if you have or are a elite athletes you know that elite training is not health in any ways. I trained 13-14 times a week and not 1 h at time, 2-3 hours at time and hard. I never let my body rest, didn't eat the way I should. Tried to be a top student in school and be there for my friends and family and the most important for myself. But on that road I lost myself, I lost friends, and I lost my passion for training. Training became a living hell. It became something I had to do, something that took all my energi out of me and killed me slowly. Training was not fun in any ways. The pressure from myself couldn't be bigger. I had to be best in what I did, be no 2 was not an option. It didn't exist in my world. If you where 2 you had failed, big time. With that came self hate. Hate that I was not good enough. It was not the not good enough for others that hurt but not good enough for myself that hurt.
Today I still feel like that when someone start talking about training or I see picture of people who train. Some days are better then others but that little thought are still in my head. I want to train, I want to push myself to limits where I can't stand but I know if I lose I will be devastated. I will have to pick myself up from the bottom of the sea and start again, and right now I don't have that energy. I´m not there yet. I will be but not yet.
This is why social media some days kill me in a way that I can't handle. In a way that became to much and I stop loving myself again. Days where I have to pick myself up from the bottom of the sea, where I have panic attacks daily and I have to take my pills for just survive the nights and days.
I´m gonna log out for now and put myself together. Take care of you and don't live your life though your phone. It´s not worth it.
Before I love someone else, I've got to love myself. 💛