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Kvälls inlägget blir på svenska.

Godkväll på er där ute i stugorna. Tänkte göra ett inlägg på svenska för en gång skull. Satt o kollade på min Facebook sida som vanligt nu på kvällen o kom över ett inlägg från Veckorevyn om en tjej som hade en depression. Om hur det inte bara är att rycka upp sig o gå ut. Hur man bara vill dra täcket över huvudet o stanna i sängen hela dagen. Hur ledsen man är inombords även fast man ler ut åt sett.

2011 förändrades mitt liv för alltid. Jag kraschade. Inte den lilla kraschen utan den som låter bang, exponerar i luften o forsätter lite till. Jag hade den våren ut åt sett haft den bästa perioden i mitt elitidrottande, jag simmade i ett lag som det gick riktigt bra för. Vi skulle åka upp o simma JSM (svenska mästerskapen för juniorer) 2 dagar innan blir jag sjuk, fick hög feber o var alldeles utmattad. Jag med min tränare bestämde ändå att åka med o hoppas på att jag skulle bli bättre men det blev jag inte o den tävlingen var förstörd. Jag som redan mentalt var svajig blev ännu svajigare. Jag fick benhinneinflammation som blev riktigt dåligt, jag blev sviken ordentligt av 2 av mina som jag då trodde närmaste vänner. O jag kunde nog inte mått sämre. Jag var trött både mentalt o fysiskt. Jag flydde till min farmor o farfar för det var där jag kunde komma bort från verkligheten lite, de dömde inte mig verken på land eller i poolen. Våren gick o jag kände bara hur sämre jag blev, mina känslor var inte där jag vill att de skulle va, mitt fokus var inte heller där jag ville att de skulle va. Precis när skolan hade slutat drog min klubb på träningsläger till Spanien. Jag tränade på, både i poolen o på land. Vi kom hem efter nästan 2 veckor o vi skulle köra igenom ett pass för att se hur vi låg tidsmässigt o jag bröt ihop. Vi skulle simma snabba 25:or o mina 25:or blev bara långsammare o långsammare. Jag var snabbare när jag var 11 år på de 25:orna. Jag bröt ihop. Alla trodde att det var pga av mina ben o benhinneinflammationerna men så var inte fallet. Jag var mentalt slut. Min kropp pallade inte längre. Mina panik attacker var som värst o jag isolerade mig från omvärlden. Jag vill inte att folk skulle se hur dåligt jag mådde, hur illa mitt mentala var. Jag var rädd att min mur skull rasa ännu mer o visa sig svag var det värsta jag kunde tänka mig skulle hända. Dag ut o dag in berättade jag för mig själv att: "Emelie du får INTE visa dig svag. Du är inte en svag människa, där ute är det människor som mår sämre. Mkt sämre o du ska inte få ta upp deras läkare tider med något så dumt som psykisk ohälsa. Det är inte du o det vet du!" Men det tog stopp där o då, den dagen i Juni. Jag körde i 200 km/h rätt in i en betongvägg. Jag tog några månader av från simningen o försökte bara att fokusera på mig själv o annan träning. Det gick helt ok. Idag skulle jag nog gått o pratat med någon men just där o då ville jag inte berätta hur jag mådde o jag orkade ju knappt ta mig ur sängen o gå till skolan. O väl i skolan lyssnade jag med ett halv öra på lektionerna.

Jag fortsatte såhär ett bra tag framåt, hade perioder då det var mkt bättre o förra året föll jag ner i gropen igen o tidigare i år sökte jag hjälp då jag inte sov längre om nätterna o de konstaterade att jag aldrig återhämtade mig från min utmattningning o att jag i perioder går in i en lätt depression. Det var skönt att få en förklaring på vad det var o att jag fick hjälp att inte hamna där. För visst kan jag hamna där, kanske imorgon, kanske nästa vecka eller om 2 månader men jag vet vad jag kan göra för att försöka förhindra det. Kommer det hjälpa? Kanske, jag vet inte men jag gör så gått jag kan. Min pojkvän är min högra hand, visst han förstår inte det o jag begär inte att han ska men han är där o pushar mig att gå ut o göra saker, testa nya saker o sakta men säkert hitta tillbaka till den galna energi fyllda unga kvinnan som jag vet finns långt där inom mig o som kommer ut ibland men som borde komma ut oftare.

Ni som har gått igenom liknade, ni som är mitt i det, eller ni som är anhörig till någon med en depression. Finns där, du behöver inte läsa på sida ut o in. Du behöver inte veta allt eller känna skuld när personen säger att den inte orkar hitta på saker. Finns där. Skicka ett sms att du tänker på hen, saknar hen. Gå över med en bucket blommor eller personen favorit godis. Ge personen en lång o varm kram när du väl se den ute. Det behövs inte mkt. Men tappa inte hoppet om hen. Fortsätta fråga den om ni ska ta en lunch o säger den nej erbjud att du kommer hem med lunchen om hen inte vill vistas ute den dagen. Bry dig, tappa inte hoppet om hen. O ni som är mitt inne i stormen, prata, med dig själv, med din bästa kompis, med en psykolog. Gråt när det är jobbigt, gråt när det är när det händer något roligt. Låt det ta sin tid, skynda inte. Men låt de som bryr sig komma in o hjälpa dig för de finns där ute o de vill hjälpa dig. 💛

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Act my age.

When I was younger I always wanna to grow up, be a little bigger, little older. I wanna be my mum. Have her curves, her red curly hair and rock the world like she did. She was my biggest inspiration and my biggest idol.

When I became a teenager I started to get curves, my hair turned into a dark red but I didn't get the curly part but I started to be out a little later, got my own bank card and money every month to use if I wanna to buy a t-shirt or take a coffee with my friends. I remember that when I was around 16 I couldn't wait till I turned 18, not so I could start drinking alcohol but so I could be a member of the supermarket, the clothes store and get more cards, not just my bank card. That day when I became 18 I started to look for all the store so I could fill my wallet with cards, it was supermarkets, book stores, flowers stores, you name it, I was a member of it. The day after I turned 18 I also got tattoo. My dad was not very happy about it and today I love my little heart.

When I left my teenager years and turned 20 I thought my life where over. What should I do now? Study? I needed to work, but with what? My friends where at uni, and to get a job without a uni degree felt at that time impossible, so I decided to take my stuff and move all the way to Australia. To work as an Au Pair. I went with one of my best friends but she would be staying in Sydney and I would be in north. And for you who know, Australia is a big as Europe, so we was far away from each other even if we where in the same country. I moved into a family that my work would be taking care of the young and energetic 6 year old boy in the house. I never felt so home anywhere. They took me into their family like we had know each other for life and I'm so thankful for that they did that. I had so much fun under the 8 months there, I became sick for a few months but it was so much fun. It didn't went a day without that I laugh so much that I thought I peed my pants. And in all this I realise that my life had just began. I turned 21 a few weeks before I left them, and even it just was 21 I felt I had live a whole life under those 8 months. After I left them I took the airplane to Cairns for some diving and under that week, my emotions was up and down. I miss my second family, I met my love of my life, I laughed because my group was the best diving group I the world and felt a calmness and a proudness that I had done all this on my own and going back home didn't felt as good as I thought it would felt.

Today I´m 23 and gonna turn 24 in a few months, I have moved from county to country. I have a work that I love and have learn to love every age. I have learn something new about them every year and having my birthdays today dosen´t feels like I have lost something, it feels like I have win something. 💛

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When I fell down you'd be there holding me up.

Since I could walk I have been active in some way. Being out a lot and always on the run. Started dancing before I started to walk that followed me up till I was around 8-9 but also stated to swim. First baby swim and then it became more seriously and when I was 8-9 I had to choose between dance and the swimming and I choose to keep swimming.

I had the best group and the best trainer. Going to the training was so much fun and I went even if I was sick, lied to my parents that I was ok but the truth was that I had fever. When I was around 11 I saw my first OS and one of my biggest idol at that time in the pool and I decided that one day I would have a world championship gold. Just one.

When I was 11 I moved up from my safe group and friends till elite group, new friends and new trainer. I cried when my old trainer told me. I didn't wanna to leave, all my friends was still left in my old group, but the most important was that my best friend was still there and I couldn't go to the training if she wasn't there. My old trainer told me that I had to if I wanna to became something good, I had to fight for my dreams. So I went to my group and I can say from my bottom of my heart today that under those years I was in that group I never felt that I fit in there. And never felt so lonely. I have some of the most amazing memories from that group and under those years I was training with them but when I thing of my swimming career today I thing of those days when I was 10 and trained with my best friends and the best trainer I ever had. But that was not why I wanna wrote about training today.

When I was 14 I got injured in my shoulders and as a swimmer that is the most horrible thing that can happen to you. I couldn't swim, ride my bike to school was nearly possible because holding the handlebars hurted my shoulders so bad. Sitting in school and have 4 hours exam and writing and writing was my worst nightmare. So going from train everyday sometimes twice a day till nearly nothing was horrible. So instead of having control over my training I took control of my food. How much I put in my mouth and what I put in there. And I lied to my dad that I had eat but in fact I hadn't. And that keep going on for years and I still struggle with it from time to time.

In all this crazinest I started to get panic attacks. Bad ones. My doctors thought it was something wrong with my heart until I came to a specialist and he realise what was going on and he send me till another doctor so could started to breath right and to control my panic attacks. When it was at worst I had it a few times a day for weeks. I had no energy to to my school stuff and to eat was back on square again. I was at this time 17 and trained 15 times a week. Today I can see picture from that time and see how skinny I was and think, why did no one do anything? Why did they let me train that much when they know I didn't eat enough or right for it? I had teachers at my school who know what was going on and still didn't do anything. I was extremely scared and lonely at this time even if I had many friends around me. I lost a few of them at this time, friends that I thought was my real friends but as fast I turned my back they didn't was much to hang in the Christmas tree. I was really hurt and to trust people after that has been hard.

2012 I came back to the swimming but only for a few months because my body was not with me and my mind was on other planet. I started to get problem with eczema and couldn't be in the water. I decide to put my stuff away in January 2013 what people thought was because of my eczema but actually because I couldn't face it anymore. I know I had to get out of there or I would broke myself to level I know I couldn't get up from.

Today I still think it is really hard to jump down in pool and swim. I´m still very sad how everything turned out. How my biggest dreams broke in 1000 pieces. How I lost myself there but also how I found myself there. How I found my best friends there but also lost them there. How I didn't value what I had when I had it and always wanted something more.

So this is for all you out there. For all of you who lost yourself in a sport or in training. To all of you who found new friends in a sport but also lost them. To you who stop believing in yourself and to you who got your heart broken. 💛

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I need you, hey ma.

Good morning my lovers. How are you today? I´m fine, little bit tired but just finished my breakfast and gonna do some training and then head in to town.

I was sitting and watching some youtube videos and come over a gossip video on Bella Thorne where she flashes her nipples in a top and under the video the comments was: sluts, hoe etc etc. And know what? Majority it was woman who wrote it. Woman. Woman who should support each other, to curate each other to wear what we want, to say "you go girl, who cares if you showed your nipples" But instead we say "slut, hoe" Why? How can men takes us seriously and support woman if we can't support each other? Instead Bella had to write on twitter that she didn't thought her top was so sea through. Excuse herself, when she should wrote "Hell yeah, my nipples are out and I don't give a fuck"

Don´t ever excuse yourself, EVER. Dosen´t matters if you are a woman, men, gay, transsexual etc, DON´T EVER EXCUSE YOURSELF.

Be nice to each other out there in the big world 💛

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Mamma didn't raise a quitter.

Hi, long time since last time.. I have been busy with a lot of stuff. I´m gonna start a new work on Saturday, my dad has been visiting me and I have spent some time back at my boyfriends parents. So been up to a few stuff with nothing really crazy haha. We had a lovely weather under a few days in Glasgow last week and now its back to rain.. ☔ I hope the nice weather is coming back cause a least for me, I get so much more motivate to do stuff 😌

I hope everything is good with you guys and stay safe 💛



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It is Wednesday and I´m angry at the society.

Hi or as we says in Swedish hej.

How has your Wednesday been? Mine has been good, been min town and bought a new par of jeans that I love! I will show them on when I use them next time. 💛

The last few days and probably more since yesterday after I saw that video on youtube I have this anger inside me. I think it has develop last few weeks and today I felt I have to write everything down. I was just sitting and scroll through my instagram and realise how many shity account I follow and they are exactly the same. Some high fashion girl sitting in Paris in the sun and sipping on a coffee and beside her is her newest Chanel bag under a massiv cherry blossom tree. Under the picture it says: "I love Paris and have you seen what I bought today?😍" (there is where the Chanel bag comes in) And when you scroll down and look at her picture they are all the same, super bright in some Europe country and brown body everywhere, and there are thousand and thousand of these account on instagram. All the same and with one goal: To have the best photo and the greatest country. You should have the best body, the best instagram feed and really many follows på all your social media. I´m so tired to see these feeds everyday on my social media and even if I don´t follow them they still comes up somehow. You have to be super skinny and visit the most amazing places on the planet and even if you do that you are still not enough. And when did you stop enjoying whats going on behind the camera instead of in front? The society now days are horrible and especially for woman, and if we encourages this how can we show that this is not reality for the guys? How can we show one thing and say another? If I would be a guy a would be so confused. But it all come down to one question for me and that is: "When did the number on your social media became more important then you?"

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New week and we have done the hardest day, Monday.

But hello, sorry for it has been so quiet here. Hasn't been doing anything fun the last few days, just chilling and being out in the nice weather. Me and my boyfriend was at the museum on Saturday and looking at the superhero section, how they created the superheros. Actuelly interesting. On Sunday we went to a shopping centre and walk around, that was not interesting haha. I also got my new phone on Friday, and omg I love it! I will never go back to and iPhone again! So that has been my last few days.

I thing I have to bring something up that I think is absolutely a joke. Yesterday I saw a video on youtube that I thought look interesting, the title was: The truth about my face. It is a big youtuber that started to talking about what she has been fixing in her face. And it scared me when I watched it, and also made me very angry/sad. The young woman only 26 has been fixing her lips, had botox in her forehead for lift her eyebrows and to reduce her wrinkles in her forehead... 26 years old. For the first she did not needed that in her forehead and eyebrows and second what kind of signal did she send out to all her young views who setting there and looking at this video? We woman are out there are saying that we should be happy for our body and proud. But for me when it comes to botox and plastic surgery I think it is amazing you have that opportunity, but only if you have been through really bad stuff so your face or other parts of your body has been really damaged. I don't think you can find your happiness in surgery. I just think that is a easy way out. And it makes me sad that you hate parts of your body so much that you want to change it. I think it sits in our head and all the social media these days. That you have to look in a certain way and if you don't do that you are nothing to have. You should love every part of your body because there are just one of you on this whole planet. Support each other and rock this world instead of go and get your lips done or forehead or what ever. If people like you they hang out with you because they like you not all the things you have done for look exactly like all the others on social media, because how fun is that? So take care of you and always put yourself in the first room not matter what! 💛


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Wednesday, a little Saturday.

Hello my lovers. Today has been a very irritated day. I was suppose to get a new phone and when I arrived to pick it up it didn't wanna go in, in the system so I couldn't pay.. So they told me to order it online so I went home again to order it online. After about 1 hour I got a email that they had cancelled my order.. 😒 So even more irritated then before I called them up and they told me pretty much not our problem. I can told you that at this point I probably could kill someone.. So the whole afternoon I tried to contact different store her in Glasgow to get my hands on the phone and it turn out that they hadn't even realse it... 😒 So back till store 1 again and pretty much "I don't leave until you have an answer for me why you have it in the store and online" so after 20 min I got answer that the phone just has come out on the market and my card probably was the problem when I tried to order it online because my address on my card dosen´t match the address I live on now... Welcome to fucking UK.... 😒 so I had to take my boyfriends card and finger cross that I will get a new phone tomorrow or on Friday. So that has pretty much been my day. Boring has hell.

I hope you will have an amazing evening/night and if you had a shity day we take a deep breath together and start fresh tomorrow 💛

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Hello today.

Woke up at 8.30 that my boyfriend were going to eat his breakfast before work so just had to go up and start my day as well. Had some toast with egg and Kalles caviar and some green jasmine tea. A typical Emelie breakfast.

Today I don't have very much planed. Fix a few stuff around the apartment and do some training. Still has not decided what to do with my phone. Still dosent work and yesterday when I talked to the person who probably gonna fix it and he didn't sounded very confident to fix it.. At least I know it is not my SIM card it is the problem, it is the phone.. Ahh in a perfect world I don't own a phone. Should maybe go back to an old phone, one of them you only can text and call on and of course play snake haha!

Finally got my clothes I order from NA-KD like 2 weeks ago! 😃 so happy that everything fit and was even better in real life!

Time for some work now and I hope you gonna have a amazing day today 💛

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Hello my lovers 💛

Monday evening again and what have I done today? I have fix everything I had to do on my list so thats good. I also went for a little walk, but it was cold as fuck. My eyes watering so much and people who passed me probably though what the heck has she been through..? Haha a very windy day. Come home and started a washing and started to clean a little bit, painted my nails and now I'm sitting here and listing to Norlie & KKV. For you Swedish people out there know that Norlie & KKV has put words into what you exactly feel. I has started to feel a little bit ill too 😔 not something that is new to me but when it hits me I know it will be there for a while and thats not fun.

To everyone out there who lives in a bit city or come from a small town and moves to a big one have you thing about this? Every time you are walking down the street people don't move, like the think they own the whole damn street!? I get so irritated on them, especially when I´m in hurry and they have the whole damn day to go from A to B... 😓 Patience patience here, not something I'm really good at haha.

Nah time for some dinner time, Risotto tonight and then a hot bath and hopefully I will feel better later.

Have a nice Monday evening and eat a lot of ice cream and look yourself in the mirror and say: Damn I'm good and I love my body till 110% 💛

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