Some hear world trough music, some see trough pictures. May I say - pictures have stories and this picture has mine.. Although this picture was taken by Edijs Aizstrauts while we were exploring my city... It spoke to me and I have a whole story behind it.

Pressure and anxiety sometimes takes over every cell in my body and leaves me blind and deaf, But happy memories and people keep me going.

There was a time I took long walks at 5am in the morning trough the city and enjoyed the silence and peaceful sidewalks, when everyone was still sleeping I took my time of thinking and eating my breakfast outside. The feeling of freedom and sunrise - being able to feel the cold wind and fresh air before others do and walking down the sidewalk and hearing birds sing and the nature waking up was giving me goosebumps. But it was worth it. Starting my day this way helped me stay calm and ready for the the things an people yet to happen and meet.. It made me feel fulfilled. But that's not it. I also had time apart from my daily routine, from the four walls and same activities that awaited for me everyday. There was a staircase that lead me nowhere every day and there was no finish or point that I had to reach just taking steps all the way up and having no point and goal to reach.. This morning walk helped to put thing in order and place when I got home, so that I don't have this every other peoples ''average' lifestyle. But something other then routine. Projects that make me happy and fulfill my inner child needs were there to take place. Music that waked me up and pictures that have their own little story were there to remind me that everything in this world has a purpose and meaning. Nothing is there because - it just is, things are put there so that at some point you cross paths with them. People who you meet while just crossing the road were there because they had to be in your story , they had to be a part of it, and somehow you're their part of the story to. So every morning that I took this walk I met different people, some were drunk and wanted someone to talk to, some were that I knew years ago and we had a nice chat, and some were just strangers running to work angry and disappointed. But they needed to be in my story just because. And I'm not questioning it, because I love the thought of some things left the way they are. So this picture remind me of the time, when I had time to run away from the ''normal'' and ''average'' .

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Last time I remember I was sick last year, and it felt like I was run over by a train.  Since then I'm trying to stay healthy and take note of the weather, because I do not want to get sick  specially when ​there is a little human home with me, who is only growing his immune system.

So how do I stay healthy when there's horrible weather? Simply drink vitamins- fish oil, magnesium and a lot of tea. But not just a simple market bought tea but homemade.  How to make the - as I call it ''The Weather Tea''.

1 table spoon of home honey ( not store bought )

5 table spoons of peppermint tea  ( not in tea bags but grained )

3 slices of lemon

1 table spoon of ginger

From this I make one liter of tea. 

Avoiding hard raining days with strong wind and staying inside is the main thing that keeps me healthy, but every morning I open all the windows and let the cold air come inside and scare all the last nights bacterias away, so that I start my morning fresh and clean.  Also at this time of the year what helped me as much as the tea is avoiding sugar as much as possible. It may seem like a simple thing to avoid, but everything contains sugar nowadays. Taking a lot of c vitamin and d vitamin is also something I do when October starts. But that doesn't mean that I don't take vitamins at summer or spring. Thats a blog for another time.  But the most important and first step to being healthy is to wash your hands! It sounds easy,. but almost every time I visit the public toilets - ladies room - none of the ''ladies'' wash their hands, and it makes me vomit! Such a lady and such beautiful clothes and handbag with some acrylic nails, but can't wash her damn hands after visiting the room of bacterias and sickness! Enough ramble, but you get my point.  Take care of yourself and wash those hands every time you touch something out of your comfort - home. Even after you take out the trash- was , wash and wash. Bacteria spreads faster then  you can imagine, so take care.

Oranges, lemons, limes and gingers are the main ingredient for autumn. 



Blooming new cherries and watering your roots will lead to success. 
Today my mind is busy and trying to organize the messy thoughts. But that doesn't stop me from writing and purring my soul here.

There comes a time where you lose hope and have no idea where to go next and what to do. You lose hope for your partner, family and yourself. Feeling like a plastic bag that's drifting through the wind and has no purpose. And you need someone to remind you who you are and what you do. Sometimes that reminder might be a conversation but sometimes a chaos. But we all need that. We need the chaos. The drama the jealousy, feeling like we are down and pushed to the ground just to push back. There's no life scenario without chaos. I wanted it and I had it. Got through a hurricane that I made and it blew away the old rusty thoughts and doubts that I had back in my head. And just like that I feel lighter. Carrying around all that bag of - jealousy, doubt, anger and ego drained out my cherry tree  and my roots. That's when you feel heavy and unsure. Making a chaos and throwing out things and feelings you don't need heals your roots and you can feel the touch of cold water and the cherries blooming again.
Loving someone is hard. Don't think that love is easy and there's only roses and pink lemonades and golden rain. Loving someone means that you learn every single aspect of them and learn to love it. Love means that there will come a time where you don't feel it anymore and need that chaos to feel it again. It's like a tree, flower or a whole garden. It has to go through storms, hard rain and insanely hot days, and the days that you forget to water it.
It need scars and the roses to heal it. It needs to drain out just to feel the hard golden rain down to roots and feel love after a storm. It needs to grow , learn and survive.
It will only bloom if both of the lovers go through bad times, to feel the good and the warmth.
But love is not something that happens in one day, week or a month. It will grow bigger and stronger by years. And everyday you'll feel it grow and it'll get to the point where it hurts. It will hurt to love someone. Because it is now sewed in your heart so deeply that whenever the other lover hurts you will burn inside. But don't worry you'll get used to it if it's real and strong you will love no matter what.
My heart hurt and it is sewed together and around from the outside in, but it still loves. It still feels and wants more. My mind sometimes leads me to a place where I don't know what is what and hurts to think about. But years of loving someone has thought me that nothing is insane and if you truly love you will do crazy things and say things you've never said before.
So water it, make chaos, drain it out and after the storm see how hard your heart will beat and how much you'll desire the other lover. It's unexplainable. If you learn from the past there is no chance that the history will repeat it self. Fallow the rule of chaos and don't ever let go.  



Coffee gets darker and bitter. Rainbow colored streets get brownish and peaceful. The weather takes over and people hide from the rain. While in summer everyone danced in the rain and singed with the wind, now they hide. While in summer the weather hugged us with its warmth and sunshine, not it bites our cheeks and the light touch of the cold wind brings goosebumps - it feels better and somehow I want more. I want more of the cold and the wind, rain dripping down my window and wear a jumper while drinking hot tea. Music somehow changes in autumn, it sound more emotional and more deeper that it actually is. While summer brings us happy dancing music and we want to just dance and sing, autumn makes me think. Think more deeply and more intimately. Reflecting on what has happened before and how things led to today.

October is the month where I feel the year slowly coming to end. It reminds me- you're getting older. It's time to change, time to think and do. We don't usually think that way, that the next year is coming and the wrinkles on our face are slowly coming together, the adrenalin we once had while sneaking out is gone, because we now have our own home and nobody to tell us - no. Because we get older life gets more stable and peaceful while more things come our way - responsibilities. The feeling of wanting to get drunk and have a lot of people around us is gone. Because priorities change in time. Once there was a time where the only thing I thought I need and can help me pull myself together when anxiety kicked in was going out and just drink away and dance away my problems. A few years ago I thought that people are sad and worried because they don't go out and let lose, but now I know that that's not true.

Things that once hurt me - now make me laugh . People that once were important to me, well I thought they were - are now just a memory and I don't need them and don't have the feeling of needing them in my life.

Every year there are scares, broken dishes and gallons of tears. But we need that. It teaches us that we are not all the same. Our life experiences, events, people,ups and downs makes us who we are today. Everything happens for a reason. And I now know why and don't cry over little mistakes or if somethings doesn't go by my plan. Because I know that life will guide me in the right direction and on the right path. There is no wrong way to go. Everything happens how it needs to, and you can't change it. The only thing you can change and have control over is your attitude. And These things happen almost every year at this time of the year - autumn. For me at least. So having the right attitude just makes it more easier to deal with the change.

October- gives me the soft cold touch of the weather and the colorful leaf rain and nostalgia. While I wait for the winter to come, and reflect on the year and events that have happened. How I've grown and what has changed. Who stayed in my life and who just vanished. All that and more to think of. While waiting for the sun to shine and sprinkle some happiness on others is the most bizarre thing to watch. I find it interesting and amusing to see how others react to this weather, and I'm alway right about what's going to happen and how people will act - their attitudes just amaze me.

While the trees take their dresses off and prepare for the white blankets that'll hug them for a whole season I watch how conifers show their beauty and embrace fear in others.



Today is pancake day, and although they are tasty and delicious and ridiculously easy to make they still are very heavy and hard on my body. But after a long day of driving around the city we needed something delicious and fast.

So how do I make my easy and fast pancakes...

4 bananas

4 eggs

400ml milk

and 1 cup of flour

1 tps of oil

Mush that all together with a mixer and pour them on the whole pan. Mix the oil in the dough and pour it on the pan. I can make 10 big pancakes. Yum Yum Yum...

But - about today.

Today I wanted to clean the house and once it was done - get the heck out! Because it was a very beautiful day. And I haven't been outside the whole week. So I needed a break from home and the same old routine.

For the past three month it has been hard to have time for myself and feel like I have control over everything. But I don't. But at the same time I feel happy that I don't. It trains mu patience and I'm occupied almost the whole day. With all that there are minuses too, but they don't bother me- because I have a beautiful son that needs me. And as much as he needs me I need him. Because the smile and laughter he give just fills in the cracks that I have and the wound that are opened. And he fills them in with a warm smile and unconditional love pure and honest.

Now when dad takes over the babysitting I have time for myself and to practice my cooking skills so that one day I can teach my son to cook and maybe one day he will cook for me the most delicious dinner ever!

Although this was just a day riding around the city and running errands. It still counts as a- weekend and family time.

And now I'm rewarding myself with some ''pinacolada cocktail'' and cartoons together with the family! It was a cute and sunny day and I'm happy and blessed to have this opportunity to be a mother and be in this lovely family that we are building together! I wish everyone the same peace, love and harmony that we have and to never doubt each other and love, just love and love and love!



​Every now and then we all need something to hold on to it could be - a memory,song, picture, thing or just something imaginary. But we all need something. 

My one and only memory that I cherish and hold close to my heart is the one where  I was baptized. In a very small town, but cinematic-  green and beautiful. My godmother and godfather held my hand and promised to be there whenever my parents can't. Although they could not be with me all of the times I needed them I still cherish them  and think of them. 

I really want to go back to the little church I felt the most closest to God. I have never felt that close to something I have never seen, touched and talked to. But sometimes I do. Sometimes I just tell him how my life is going and thank him for the life I have. Sometimes I apologize for the things I've done and I'm not proud of. And I feel like I have something to hold on to, someone I have whenever there is no one and I don't want anybody physically near me I have him.  I don't fallow the rule of - Christian, Mormon etc. If someone asks I simply say how it is- I talk to him, but don't label him of the beliefs. It's as simple as that - you believe him or not.

But this was never an easy topic to talks about, even now I feel like it's something so private and intimate that I get chills and uncomfortable whenever I talk about it.  I believe that people are good and even though they seem mean, under that thick and ugly mean skin there is someone who has the fingerprint of God and is as sweet and pure as all of us deeply inside.  It just takes time to be who you truly are. In this time of the era and the things that happen all around the world, it is hard to talk about things and be who you really are.  That is why we need something to hold on.  As I  mentioned- it doesn't have to be God or a Church , it can be a song or a memory. As long as it comforts you when you need it.

I've learned the hard way that I can't trust people, even the closest ones, because once you let them know something private or intimate it stays with them till they walk with the white slippers.Even if they have forgotten it - you know that they know. That is why I trust only him. Because I know that after I walk with the white slippers I will meet him and he will not judge. As for people- they do, even if they tell you they don't.



Dreams.... I used to have a dream journal so I'd remember what I dreamed of. But now It's gone and lost. And right now I wanted to write down my absoluteley crazy dream.
When I tell people what I've dreamed of they assume I'm crazy and over excited. But night time - my dream world. Is the only thing I have private and safe. Whenever i used to have bad dreams and nightmares I hated to go to sleep and wake up to a room full of germs and bugs. And then wake up in this world and be wet from head to toe...
But when I learned to control my dreams it became my fantasy world of perfection.
Having control over everything just feels right and makes me happy. Because in real life you can't control other people if they are being rude or mean. If you interrupt them - you cross paths with them. And that is something I'm avoiding. So being able to have my own little happy place at night means everything to me.
I would share my dream with you, but it's kind of against my rules - what I write about and share. And how much i allow myself to share with you.
I have still not left the bed. I'm kind of floating around my sheet and pillows and smiling like an idiot. Because I just woke up from a very beautiful dream.. I want to go back there... Wish there was a way to go back to a dream you love so much and be able to live it out fully. But what would this world be then? Everyone would have left it then. The sad part is that where there are too much people - there is chaos and jealousy. So it's best to keep some places secret. For example- I have a place where I go to relax and refuel myself. But I don't publish it, because I've seen what people do with beautiful nature and places that humans have not yet touched.. They used it , leave their trash behind, break things, piss and shit everywhere and scare the animals away. Making the place a chaos and once the beautiful nature -art has felt the human touch it looses everything. There is nothing special about it anymore just another place where people come together to shit and eat.
Although you can't come and make a chaos in my dream, there may be a chance that I see you there. And if you leave me angry or anoyed there is a slight chance that I'll meet you there.
But enough about this. I've told you too much already.
I'm ending my diary/blog/notes here for another time..



I consider myself as a young but very powerful and hard mom.

A little story behind that... - I met my other half and my partner in crime three years ago and while I was seventeen I moved out of my home and started to live with my partner. Without a job or any income. I learned life the hard way and I'm happy I did. It helped me become the woman I am today. A lot of young people my age don't feel like I do or do things my way. In general have different interests then I have. You could say I'm old school or old minded. But that makes me happy. So I made this blog to reflect back one day and see how I've grown or if my mind set has changed even a bit. Consider this as my diary - not private, but for all to see and fallow along my journey. You may not agree with me or the things I say, because this is a place where I let myself get comfortable and I'm as honest as possible with myself. and don't bother if someone doesn't like me.And talk about things that are trending at that moment of life for me, it may vary from life advice to witch ice cream I hate the most. I may sound rude and inappropriate, but once you get to know me and my temper it gets easier to understand me and my way of thinking. So don't be shy and join me if that interests you in any kind of way. Because I don't mind you following me and my life events, it makes me happier to be able to share these moments and memories with you. I hope that you will take something from this, or argue with something, because that's how your personality grows and your point of view, and you have a better understanding of other peoples way of life, it's one way to learn to have an opinion on something and to not be afraid to speak up.