I know you all have been curious to know how my ballet exam went. Today I will be completely honest with you guys and tell you everything what's going on, what I have gone through the last few days and what's currently on my mind.
I did my exam the best that I could that moment, so I did not really get dissatisfied with my performance. But since I've had my hip problems and a hip surgery, I lost quite much time for working full out in ballet and preparing to do all different exercises/movements well. There for I did not show any jumps or pointe work in the exam. The jury (with the teacher I bet) gave me a 3-, because of my hip injury, my ballet teacher said. As you now can understand, I am not invited to the three year diploma program.
There might be a little chance that I could get to stay here as a trainee another year, in other words to do the same trainee program that I'm doing now one more time. Next week I will get to know more about what options there are or if they can offer something for me. So there for I don't know anything for sure yet.
Right after we got our marks and almost the whole day after that, I was feeling horrible. I cried in rivers, thought I was such a failure and that this was the end of the world for me.
Even though I didn't get a good mark (because of course they can't give you a super mark when you don't show as much material), it was not the actual mark itself that made me terrified. It was just the fact that I would might not be invited back for next year like I wanted to.
I have many thoughts going on in my mind. For the longer the time goes by, the more I'm asking myself how I actually want to do about next year and my future in general. Because there are endlessly many things to do and ways to go in life. Life is like a long corridor with doors leading to different rooms, my mom told me. You can open a door and look inside, but if you don't like that room, you can just leave it and go to another room. If a door would just close right in front of your face, you would just move on and try another door. I think you already see my point in this explanation.
If I would get invited to the trainee program again for next year, I could continue working on my ballet technique and try again to get applied to the diploma program for the year after that. But I also need to start my Swedish gymnasium education (I can't wait too long for that and let year after year pass by), so if I'm here next year I need for sure to study from distance.
To be honest I'm actually not sure if this is what I really want anymore. I have a feeling that this might not be the best for me and that there are other options that would me happier in the end. I will always love and have passion for ballet, but getting a career as a ballet dancer is extremely difficult. Even great students who graduate from the Bolshoi ballet academy do not get jobs in companies. It's really hard to live a life as a ballet dancer as well. Not only because of how much hard work and effort it takes, but also many other common things in a ballet life. Stress, tiredness, sacrificing other things in your life, lack of free time, constant self-criticism (most of the time focusing on your weaknesses), being compared, judged and ranked among others all the time, impaired self-esteem, eating disorders and so on. In the ballet world it takes much more to succeed now than for some years ago. Everything is more extreme today. You should be able to do crazier jumps, turns, have extremely good extensions, turnout, feet, be even skinnier, lighter and more flexible. Passion is not enough anymore.
I feel that with my physical abilities it will be too hard to get where I want, and that it's not worth putting myself down so much for it. I might as well not feel that well or happy for living this kind of life.
I'm not saying that I'm going to quit ballet, but I'm thinking of changing my focus/priorities a little. A new plan for next year could be to do more of other dance styles like I used to before I did ballet, try new things, go to regular gymnasium for my studies and live a bit more of a "normal" life. Not because I'm just giving up on ballet, but to find something that can really make me happy and confident, somewhere where I feel that I can shine my brightest and actually enjoy what I'm doing to the fullest. The more I think about and imagine this, the more I feel like I'm already moving on and even getting a little excited for it. I unfortunately lost a little of my joy for dancing during this semester, and I really want it back, because I am BORN TO DANCE! I can't live without dancing and I love it from all of my heart.
Observe that I HAVE NOT MADE A FINAL DECISION YET.
I will go to the international office to hear what they say first of all. I'm still thinking about it.
A few hours after our ballet exam, we had exam in historical dance. Even though I was feeling destroyed, I got my shit together and actually did the historical exam well. I got a mark of 5- in historical, and I'm very happy with it! I want to thank my historical teacher Olga for being such a great and inspiring teacher, I know that she reads this blog once in a while. It has been wonderful to work with you this year! I think you introduced this dance style (probably new for all of us) very well.
No matter what will be next, I will always keep this life experience. I will never ever regret coming here! I am so so grateful for this journey, my opportunity to study at this academy, improve my ballet technique, learn much new things, meet new people, get inspired and learn from others, discover the beauty of Moscow, get experiences from living without my family, learn a such difficult language as Russian, improve my English, get piano lessons from a great piano teacher, see some of the biggest stars in Russian ballet dancing in the Bolshoi theatre and much much more!
On Thursday we have our last exam which is in character dance, got to stay sharp for that. I want to end this school year as good as possible!