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I have become completely addicted to something. It has taken over my life since I discovered it earlier this week. "What is it?!", you may ask. "Drugs? Gambling? Buying shoes???" No. It is a podcast called "My Favorite Murder".

If you have ever been my friend at some point in my life, you likely know that I don't just "like" things, I become obsessed with them and they take over every aspect of my life.

Here are things I have obsessed about throughout the years, in no particular order:

- Harry Potter
-Shakespeare
- Glee
- Jedward
- Musicals
- Kesha
- England
- Starkid
- RuPaul's Drag Race
- (And even though I don't like to admit this...) Twilight

Some of these I was into for about 2 weeks and other things have been with me my entire life and become part of me, but one thing they all have in common is that I wasn't just interested in them, I was completely obsessed with them. I don't mean "obsessed" as in I sent locks of my hair to Kesha or stood outside Katya's private apartment waiting for her to come out, but as in I skipped school to run around my home town looking for Jedward before their concert started and spent over £1000 pounds seeing the musical Les Misérables in London more than 25 times...

Well, earlier this week I opened a buzzfeed article on documentaries about serial killers. I have always been interested in horrible things that have happened in history whether it is The Holocaust, natural disasters or mass shootings. It sounds weird, I know. But I like the psychology around it. Why it happened, how the survivors deal with it and such. I have also always loved watching crime shows, and I even wanted to be a forensic scientist when I was younger. After I had read the article I scrolled down to read the comments and someone recommended a podcast where two women talk about true crime, specifically murders. I thought it sounded super interesting and perfect for me so I immediately went and checked it out. After half an episode I was hooked.

"My Favorite Murder" is a podcast hosted by the smart, funny & (to be honest) a little kooky duo Karen Kilgariff & Georgia Hardstark. They are both very funny ladies, who have their roots in comedy. Georgia is one of the hosts on Cooking Channel's "Tripping Out" & "Unique Sweets" and Karen is an actress and writer who has worked on "Mr. Show" and "The Ellen DeGeneres Show". Both of them are also hosts of other podcasts, which I have yet to check out.

"My Favorite Murder" first premiered on January 14 this year. Each episode is about around 80 minutes and 30 episodes have been released so far. I have listened to 24 episodes so far AND I CAN'T STOP! In every episode Karen & Georgia each tell the other about their "favorite murder", which is a murder (or several murders that tie together) they have read up on and researched. Usually the episode has a theme. "Kids who kill their parents", "unsolved murders" and "murders in the 80's" are examples of themes that have been used in the past. At the end of the episode they also have a segment called "my hometown murder" where they read a murder story sent in in by a fan.

What makes this podcast so great is not only their humor and their way to talk to each-other but that they are incredibly passionate about the subject. They are completely into true crime and their knowledge about it really shows when they tell the stories and discuss the events around it. This is not something you'd expect from two girls from California who speak in vocal fry. Listening to them describe how the murder happened and then discuss who did it and why is incredibly interesting. It is in the category "comedy" on itunes, and while the duo is very funny and always make me laugh, they never make make light of the horrible things that people have gone trough. Murder, rape or torture is never funny and making a joke out of it is definitely not what this podcast does.

I have become completely obsessed with this podcast & researching the murders they talk about. I have listened to it at every moment possible these past days. How people exist who can do these insane and terrible things just baffles me. Some of them have some kind of motive, but most of them are just complete psychopaths with no trace of empathy in their body. The unsolved murders are those that get to me the most, or the ones where the murderer only got a few years in prison. One story that really stuck with me is the infamous rape and mutilation of Mary Vincent in the late 70's. I'm not going to write about it here but if you ever want to listen to what happened, it's episode 18.

I realize that this podcast might not be for everyone, and that some people find it strange that someone would enjoy it. But I really do. Karen & Georgia are the perfect hosts to the perfect podcast and I am obsessed. I am NOT looking forward to when I have listened to everything that has been released and have to wait a week between each episode. Binge watching (I guess "listening" in this case) is my expertise and patience is not...

Oops, this turned out to be the longest post ever so here's a summary:
1. I have always been a little intense when it comes to being a fan of things. 2. I have become obsessed with a new podcast called "My Favorite Murder". 3. Murder is not funny but Karen Kilgariff & Georgia Hardstark are. 4. I need to get a life.

Well that's the end of this post. Like Karen & Georgia always say: Stay sexy and don't get murdered!


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Yaaawn!

Everyone who knows me knows that I am a night owl, or an evening person, much more than a morning person. I really do enjoy staying up late, watching movies, writing or even cleaning my room *gasp*. Someone (also an evening person) recently told me that maybe it's because those hours at night when everyone else is asleep you don't have as much pressure on you. You can do whatever you want without feeling like you need do do anything in particular. So yes, I do enjoy staying up late instead of getting up early. But there are nights when I want nothing more than to sleep... but this damn chronic disease stops me.

It isn't easy falling asleep when it feels like someone is stabbing your insides with a knife, while someone else has a hook tied to your uterus and is tugging at it violently. And often when the pain isn't at the worst the painkillers I take every night keep me awake in a sort of half-asleep trance. I don't know what's real and what's a dream and suddenly it 6 am and I still haven't gotten any sleep despite turning the light off at midnight. Other nights the anxiety keeps me up. Money, my health, the future. There is a lot to worry about, especially when you try to close your eyes and go to sleep!

But the worst night are those when I'm tortured by my own body. I'm in bed, so exhausted from a long day that despite my pain, I fall asleep. But only for a second or two. Just enough for me to nod off and relax. Then the pain hits and my eyes fly open. I'm awake, heart pounding and rapid breathing. A few moments later I'm asleep. Again. But only for a little while. Only until I wake up from the pain. Again. This can go on for hours and it's bloody torture! Much worse than not being able to fall asleep at all. Waking someone up just as they are falling asleep over and over again is a well-known way of torturing people and I can definitely see why. Sometimes I'm so startled by the pain that I literally jerk up into a sitting position, incredibly confused about what's going on. These nights are definitely the worst.

However, usually when I have finally fallen asleep properly I sleep well. I can sleep over 14 hours without even waking up once. One thing about being on sick leave that I enjoy is that if the pain has kept me up until 5am I can sleep in until 2pm so that I get my hours of sleep. Yes, I need at least 9 hours of sleep every night, otherwise I am a complete wreck. On average, unless something or someone wakes me, I would say I sleep around 10-12 hours a night. And If I've done something that takes any kind of effort, like going shopping or hanging out with friends it easily turn into 14 hours instead. You might think I sound crazy but chronic pain really is an energy-thief and sleeping is the only way to get that energy back. That, and a lot of delicious food haha.

So yes, falling asleep can be incredibly difficult and frustrating but once I'm asleep I'm gooooood. I really do LOVE sleeping. If I could spend my entire life just sleeping and eating I would be so happy haha.

Tonight has been one of those nights where a mix of pain and anxiety has kept me up. I think writing this helped with my anxiety and I can feel the pain subsiding a little bit (and that probably isn't gonna last long to be honest) so I'm gonna wrap this up, close my eyes and hope for the best.

Goodnight my lovelies!

(Also, the picture with the text is of my dog when she was just a wee pup. I caught her yawning so I thought it'd go with the the whole "sleep" theme. And to be honest she is just the cutest thing and I like to post as many pictures of her as possible. Can you blame me?)







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My mum, my hero, my friend.

I don't know how to express my love and admiration for this woman, but I'm going to try. My mum taught me so much about life, love & strength. My relationship with her has always been great, but I think going through the hardships that we have gone through lately has brought us even closer. She has really fought for me in situations when most people would have given up. She always worked hard to somehow, magically, make sure my brother & I got to travel and experience different countries and cultures. She made sure we knew there were more important things than money & looks. She has been there when we needed her but also taught us to stand on our own two feet. We have so much fun together and I can truly say that she is my best friend. 

My mother is energetic, strong and silly. Talented at what she does. Full of love and acceptance. If you know her well, you will often see her suddenly explode into some weird, eccentric movements (often accompanied by strange singing) she calls "ugly-dancing". She does this when she is happy and/or tired... which is pretty often. She is terrified by horror movies, but loves watching them anyway. When she gets comfortable on the couch in the evenings, her favourite thing to do is to push her socks down below her heels so that they are hanging on half her foot like some weird elf-shoe (me and my brother both find this habit very odd). She is a brilliant photographer who captures feelings in a photo like no-one else I know. Pink is her favourite colour and it is found in almost every single room in her house, on everything from the flamingo wallpaper to the bubblegum pink dishwasher.

Her love is unconditional. She gives the best hugs. Her smile can light up the room.

I would not be where I am today if it wasn't for this amazing human being. She has kept me afloat when I was drowning. Through broken hearts, broken spirits and failing health. Her love and support has kept me going.

My mum is the most amazing and inspirational person I know, and I am so proud to be her daughter.







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Pill popper!

Taking pills several times a day can be tricky when you're as absent-minded and forgetful as I. Also, it's incredibly annoying to bring pill bottles and boxes everywhere you go. Because of that, my mum bought me this perfect little case to use.

Every day of the week has a little box, with four spaces inside them so you can put morning the morning dose separate from midday and evening dose. They all fit into this nice little notebook-looking case, which is great because if someone were to look in my bag it doesn't scream "LOOK AT ALL THESE PILLS, THIS GIRL IS NOT HEALTHY!!!". I am definitely not ashamed or afraid to talk about my chronic pain, but it's nice not to have the medication on display. All of the little boxes are also separate, which means if I'm only gone for a day, I can just bring one of them instead of the whole thing. Genius!

I have so many different types of medications. Hormones, vitamins, painkillers, pills against the side effect of said painkillers and so on. In the beginning I would often forget to take them, but now it's as routine as brushing my teeth. Hopefully this system will make it even easier! Now I just have to fill it up once a week and I will also see in advance when I'm about to run out of anything.

Thank you mum, I already love this!

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Hey squirrel friends!

Yesterday was such a great day for me. It was of those days when I feel like myself, energetic and happy, despite the pain. The sun wasn't only shining outside, but inside me as well!

I woke up with more pain than I went to sleep with, which is never fun, but with a giddy feeling in my body. I hopped in the shower and sang along loudly to my favourite musical theatre songs for 40 minutes, probably making my neighbours hate me in the process. After almost two weeks of sitting cooped up in the house I was excited to get ready, put on a nice outfit and apply some makeup. The sun was out and it was incredibly warm so I finally got to use my new skirt and super cute crocheted crop top! 

My friend Malin called me so I met her in a park outside my apartment and we decided to get together later in the evening to watch a horror movie I had totally not downloaded illegally a few days earlier.

I headed into town, my summer playlist on Spotify pouring into my ears. I did a little bit of shopping; three books to read on the balcony during sunny days like this one, a few hair accessories & some alcohol for Sunday when my bestie Nico moves in with me. Then I met up with Joakim, a friend of mine, at a coffeehouse and talked about nothing and everything. Hadn't seen him in almost a month, so it was great!

Back at the apartment I put on some music and danced and sung freely, not caring if anybody saw or heard me. I was just in such a great mood! The sun was shining, I looked cute & the pain had lessened a little.

Malin came over and we watched the new horror movie "The Other Side of the Door". It wasn't a genius movie, as horror movies seldom are, but it made us scream a few times (which I guess isn't that hard to do, as we get scared by anything, but still) and was entertaining. However, it was slightly problematic as it was set in India and was not necessarily respectful to the cultures and religions there...

When Malin had left I cuddled up on the couch with a blanket and watched some youtube videos and laughed until tears where rolling down my cheeks. It's not often that I have a whole day where I just feel like a normal 22 year old, not thinking about the pain or feeling exhausted. But yesterday was one of those days.

​​Whoever gave me this day; thank you! Thank you for giving me a day that will keep me going until the next one just like it.

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Spooktacular!

Under the category "mini delights" I'll post little things that makes me smile.

This little gem on the World of Wonder youtube channel is one of those videos that just makes me laugh no-matter what mood I am in. It is a blessing for everyone who loves drag race, but I honestly think anyone with a sense of humour & a fondness for the odd will enjoy it. Sharon Needles & Alyssa Edwards couldn't be more different & together they give us comedy gold. Who knew two people just talking could be this great?

This video holds a special place in my heart and I always put it on when I feel like I could use a smile.



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BOO!

I have booked tickets to see Sharon Needles & Alaska Thunderfvck in London for Halloween!!!! I couldn't be more excited!!! Alaska is a creative genius and Sharon is one of my all time favourite drag queens. And she has especially grown on me this last year after meeting her twice. And I've finally found someone who loves drag as much as me who wants to come with! I've never gone to a drag show with another proper fangirl before, so it's going to be absolutely amazing.

I am going with my new-found friend Lollo. We met briefly during Pride last year and when I traveled to Copenhagen to see "RuPaul's Drag Race: Battle of the Seasons" a few months ago I saw her standing outside the venue. We were both excited to see a familiar face and got to talking. We clicked instantly! Turns out we've been to the same drag race events in a lot of places but just never met! Lollo is honestly the biggest sweet-heart and I AM SO GLAD I've gotten to know her. There is no-one else who understands me when I fangirl about queens the way she does. Lollo is kind, full of energy and a bit of an oddball, just like me! She reminds me so much of my closest group of friends that I've had for 10 years. Wish she could meet them, she would fit right in!

Traveling to see these shows is honestly what gives me joy in life. Living with chronic pain and staying at home on the couch almost all the time a toll on your mental health and having something that you love to look forward to really makes a difference.

October can't come soon enough!






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I am doing this blog for me. Maybe someone will read it. Maybe not. But being on long term sick-leave from university and work is really taking a toll and I just feel like I need something. Maybe this blog is it.

It will be filled with whatever I feel like writing about. My hospital visits, the tv shows I watch, people I admire, the food I eat. If I feel sad because being chronically ill fucking sucks, I'll write about that. If life is absolutely amazing because I just met my favourite drag queen, I will write about that. Maybe I write 10 posts in one day; that's okay. Maybe I don't write a single post in two months; that's okay too.

My blog, my rules.

This is for me. But maybe you will enjoy it too.





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