I turned 15 a few weeks ago. And I thought I'd write this because maybe it will help someone?
So here are 15 things I've learned in 15 years.

1. Don't change just because someone doesn't agree with you.
For example I believe in God, I don't eat meat, I'm a feminist and I listen to music that some people don't like. I've thought about changing, I've tried to change because other people don't agree with me. But now I've realized that I can't change so that people would like me more. The people who love me, love me for who I am and they respect me, even if they don't believe or like the same things I do. So don't change for someone so that they'd like you.
2. Some things won't go back to the way they used to be.
3. You don't have forever.
Time goes faster than we realize. We can't pause it. So we have to live life to the fullest because this exact day and moment will never happen again. Don't look back, no matter how much you want to change the past, you can't. Don't think too much about the future, live now. Enjoy now. Live your life to the fullest.
4. It's okay to not be okay.
It is impossible to be fine all the time. There are lots of moments in life that will make you break down. You will go through hard times. Some people will even go through depression. And you should be thankful if you haven't experienced depression. Even if you don't go through depression, you will go through hard times and you will fall down. But at some point you'll get back up. You'll be okay. Those moments in life will change you, change the way you look at life. You'll probably learn something from the hard times in life, all the difficult moments and you can help and inspire other people with your stories and experiences. That's what I'm trying to do. And remember, it's also okay to ask for help.
5. At your best, you still won't be good enough for the wrong person.
6. Some things that cross your path in life aren't meant for you or meant to stay.
7. Take chances. Who knows, maybe those chances you take will lead to life changing things.
8. Focus on the positive.
Easy to say, hard to do. But being positive will change your life.
9. It's okay to love whoever you want to love. No matter the gender.
10. Appreciate your parents.
11. You can't buy happiness.
12. Confidence will change your life.
13. You don't have to be skinny to be beautiful.
14. Be kind.
15. Be around people who inspire you.

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Hi. How are you? I hope you're fine.

So I haven't really written here about my life in about a month. I uploaded a new post yesterday about heartbreak, but I haven't really talked about my life right now. So here's a life update.

My birthday was on the 1st of February. I'm now 15. For my birthday I got a computer and I'm so happy because I can now finally start writing a book, I've actually started writing it already.

I'm feeling depressed as always. Some days are fine though, thanks to my best friends or because the sun is shining and the sky is blue. I'm still here, I'm still breathing and my heart is still beating even though I don't want it to.

I still see my therapist every now and then, I have my diary, my blog and my best friends that I can talk to anytime about anything. So I don't keep these thoughts to myself. But opening up to my family is so hard and it will take so much time till I can be fully open with them, if I ever will. Speaking about family, I haven't seen my mom or her boyfriend in many weeks because I've been feeling so incredibly depressed lately, and I've realized that the nights are harder for me, especially when I'm not at home. I get really anxious. But tomorrow I'll see them because I'm going shopping with one of my very best friends. And speaking about friends, I say this so often but I'm so so thankful to have my best friends in my life. I love them to death and they help me more than they think.

School is fine. Of course it's hard for me but I'm trying so that's good I guess. We got to see our grades today. We get to see them three times a year and this was the last time I get to see them before summer. I was surprised, I'm proud of myself because my grades were actually better than I thought they would be.

I'm 15 which means I got a gym key so I've been going to the gym a few times. Before I got a gym key I've been working out at home, believe it or not. No I haven't seen incredibly big changes in my body, but I lost about 9 kg between August 2016 and January 2017, and since January I've lost about 2 kg. I have seen some changes in my body and I'm slowly getting more confident.

Thank God we have a week long break from school so I have time to write, relax and sleep.

I hope you're all doing fine and if not, it's going to be okay. I love you all, I'll write again soon. *hugs*

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A few months ago, I fell in love. I remember telling myself "dont you dare fall in love." But guess what? I fell for him. But I was happy. He made me happy just by simply existing. I knew I loved him when I couldn't go an hour without thinking about him, I lost sleep, I couldn't concentrate in class, I checked my phone way too often just to see if I got a message from him. I knew I loved him when his happiness made me happy and when just seeing him made my day. I knew I loved him when he made my heart beat faster when I didn't want it to beat at all.

It felt like everything was perfect. But it all changed…

The thing is, loving someone who doesn't love you back is one thing, but loving someone who you thought loves you back is a totally different thing. It hurts. It hurts like hell.

When I'm reading quotes about love, every goddamn love poem and quote reminds me of him and that brings tears to my eyes. And what also hurts is, when I'm reading those love quotes I think about him, but when he reads love quotes he thinks about her.. Seeing him smile at her, hearing him talk about her. It all made me realize that you don't need water to feel like you're drowning.

I still love him, I think I always will. He has become one of the most important people in my life and I know that if I ever wake up one morning and he doesn't, I will take the last step and move to heaven with him. Because I can't live without him.

I love him. But I should be angry at him. Not angry because he loves someone else, there isn't really much I can do about that. But I should be angry because he treated me like shit. I say this myself, but I deserve so much better. I deserve the love I tried to give him. I poured all the love I had inside my heart to him. I tried to give him everything he wanted, but now I realize that none of that matters because I wasn't what he wanted.

It feels like my heart has been ripped apart in tiny little pieces. But I'm trying to be strong. I'm trying my very best to move on. It's hard, because reading those quotes and hearing some songs will remind me of him, it's hard because when I see him smile, it feels like falling in love over and over again. But I keep on telling myself that I deserve better. I will get over him eventually, I know I will.

I don't regret falling for him. I know I should be mad at him. But I actually feel sorry for him. He threw away a girl who would've done anything for him, who loved him, even his flaws. I hope he'll realize that people like me are hard to find. I hope he'll see what a mistake he made. But I also want to thank him. Because thanks to him, I've learned to put my feelings into words, to put them into poetry and to words that hopefully can help people. Thanks to him, I learned to love myself a little bit. Thanks to him I understand more about the real meaning of love, and life. Thanks to him I've understood that not all the things that cross my path in life is meant for me or meant to stay. Thanks to him I can help people. Help them to understand that they aren't alone. Thanks to him, I've learned more about myself and life.

Now let me tell you. If a person has broken your heart, don't beat yourself up for loving him/her so much. Feel sorry for them for throwing away a person like you, who would've done anything for them and who truly loved them. Honey, you deserve the love you're trying to give someone else. You can't force yourself to stop loving someone, but you can tell yourself that you deserve better and try to move on.

There is so much more in life than him/her. There are cozy little coffee-shops down the streets in beautiful cities, with good lattes and nice waiters. There are Christmas trees that you see in apartment windows while walking in the snow, there are rainy Sundays and sunny summer mornings when you wake up to a little sunlight that shines on your face through your curtains. There are pretty flowers, pink sunsets and the sound of ocean waves. There are record players, music and fancy outfits that make you feel confident. And don't forget your best friends. The sleepovers, the laughs and deep conversations. There are shopping days and Friday nights with movies and pizza. There are so many things and moments in life that can make you happier than he/she ever made you.

Honey I promise, one day you will wake up next to someone you love, you will dance around the kitchen on a Saturday morning making pancakes and coffee. You will find someone who makes you happy, someone who you're confident enough in front of that you don't even bother to cover your face when he wants to take pictures of you or when you laugh. You will find someone who accepts you for who you are. Who is there for you when you cry and who loves you even if you sometimes talk too much, someone who holds you when you feel anxious and someone who gives you kisses that feel like heaven. You will find someone who makes you truly happy and who makes you fall in love with life. You will find someone who loves you just as much as you love them. When you find the right one, you're going to look back at this period of your life and you're going to be happy for not giving up.

Yes, heartbreak hurts. But you will get through it. I promise.

I love you all. *hugs*


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Hey everyone. I'm back. How are you all? I hope you're all fine. I'm not so good, as always. But I'm still breathing.
So yeah I'm back. These past few weeks I've been getting some rest. Some of you may know where I've been, others may be confused and some of you might not even care. While I was gone, I was apart from my closest friends. I didn't see them every day like I usually do, and it made me realize how incredibly important my best friends are to me. It made me realize that they are the only things that make me happy. Being without them really showed me how depressed I really am.
Something I think about every day is how can people like them love me? Who the hell would love me? I don't really get it. After being apart from my best friends just for a few days, when I got to see them again I got so many hugs and I felt so loved and happy. That's right I said it. I was happy. And I'm not happy often at all. But right at that moment I was happy. It's weird how much they care about me. If you could see you would understand. I can't really explain it. But I can see that they care about me, I think they do? And I don't really understand why.
The things I've gone through these past few weeks, made me and my mom closer. She understands me now. And it's nice to know that I can now be fully honest with her.
But yeah so those few weeks I went through were filled with lots of tears, anxiety attacks and those kinds of stuff. But I'm still breathing.
I'll write soon. I love y'all. *hugs*

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Hey everyone. How are you all? I hope you all are okay. I can't tell you I'm okay because honestly, I'm not okay. At all.
A lot has happened, and I choose to not tell you much about it.
All I can say right now is that, I need to get some rest. Focus on myself and my mental health.
I won't post on social medias much but I'll be back.
Just know that I'll be okay eventually, I hope I'll be. I can't tell you to not worry, because I know some of you probably will. But I hope I'll be okay. I will see you soon. Please take care. I love you. *hugs*

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'I was here' is a book by Gayle Forman.
I just finished reading this book and I am in tears. I cry often and I cry even when I read books.
This book is about a girl named Cody. Her best friend Meg committed suicide. Cody meets new people thanks to Meg. There's some mystery in this book also, which is a big part of it. There's also romance in it which I love.
It's crazy how a book can make you think so much, how it may even change the way you look at some things. It's crazy what a book can do to you.
This book left me in tears. Both tears of joy and tears of pain. Tears of joy because the book had a good ending. Tears of pain because this book made me think. How will people react when I kill myself, if I kill myself? How will it affect people's lives? Will some people follow me?
I imagine all the pain I'd put people through. I imagine how their lives would be like without me in it. I imagine what the world would be like without me in it.

I'm a little bit scared and worried. I'm looking for hope. If I can't save myself, I hope someone or something else can.

If you're worried right now, reading this. Just know that I'm okay. I am still breathing, I am still here and I am okay.

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It's the first of January 2017.
I don't really know where to begin..
2016 was filled with so much negativity, all over the world.
But even tho it was a bad year, I made some great memories. For example, I went to a concert for the first time in my life. And I started to hang out with new people and they ended up being the best people I've ever met. Now they mean everything to me.

2016 was a year filled with darkness but many lessons too.
I fell in love and I got heartbroken. I got heartbroken by people who weren't even mine. I'm asking God what I've done to deserve this much pain.. Maybe it's my fault I'm in so much pain? I don't know. But I believe that God has a plan and I believe that everything happens for a reason. I read a quote once that said "if the hurt comes
so will the happiness" ( - rupi kaur )
I just have to believe in that quote and I have to trust God.
I've fallen so many times in 2016 but I've gotten up. I'm still here, I'm still breathing.

It's 2017.
Nothing really changes, except the year and month. But the feeling you get, like it's a fresh new start. They say every day is like a fresh new start even tho it may not always feel like that. But when the year changes you feel like it's really a new start.
What I like about new year is that now I can leave 2016 in the past, I can move on and I can do something with 2017. In 2015 and 2016 I was so incredibly depressed and lost. Yes, I still am. I'm actually getting worse and worse. But don't worry. This year I will do something about it. You'll see.

But there's something I want to tell you. I maybe can't help myself but I want to help you with the words I say.
If 2016 sucked for you, don't worry. It's in the past, forget it if you want to. Move on. Do something with 2017. Don't look back. Don't look back at your mistakes and moments you don't want to remember. Leave it all in 2016. Get on with 2017.
You don't have to make any New Year's Resolutions. In my opinion, I think New Year's Resolutions are stressful.
But make sure to set up some goals for 2017 and don't stop until you reach those goals.
Make memories, take lots of pictures, paint, get to know new people, read new books, laugh until you cry, sing as loud as you want, do not care about people who judge you, get up early to watch the sunrise, stay up late to look at stars, smile, smile at strangers, give hugs, tell people you love them, do things that scare you, take chances, tell your crush you like him/her, dance in the rain, wear whatever you want, get out of your comfort zone, spend time with people you love, don't give up, stay strong and stay positive.

Make 2017 the best year yet. Make it a year to remember.

I love you all. *hugs*

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"I am a museum full of art, but you had your eyes shut." - rupi kaur

This quote is from my favorite book 'milk and honey' by rupi kaur. And I'm going to explain how I look at this quote, how I understand it. If you know what I mean, anyway..


"I am a museum full of art.."
I could be the most interesting person you'll ever meet, maybe. There could be so many things you could learn from me. Yes I am young, but I have been trough a lot both in 'real life' and mentally. There could be so many things you could learn from what I tell you about my stories and my experiences. Maybe I could inspire you somehow.
I am a museum full of art.
"..but you had your eyes shut."
But you chose to not get to know me. Maybe I was too messed up? Maybe I was too weird? Maybe I was.. just.. too much? You chose to not see the museum that I am. And it's okay.. Some people just don't like art.


- You are like a painting. Some people understand you and admire you. Other people don't understand you and sometimes they even criticize you.
But no matter what people say or think, you are art. Every art piece is different, just like every human being is different. And every art piece is beautiful, just like every human is, we are all beautiful no matter what anyone thinks. It just is like that. We all are beautiful. But it's up to you to describe what beautiful is to you.
Remember that you were art long before that someone came to admire you. And you'll continue to be art even after that someone is gone. A masterpiece is still a masterpiece even when the lights are off and the room is empty. A piece of art is still a piece of art even when the lights are off and the museum is empty.

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Christmas is over. And honestly I'm happy about that. Being depressed and wanting to cry is nothing no one wants to see or hear during Christmas. So I had to fake a smile and act to be happy. But now that Christmas is over, I can be myself again.
I didn't really have a nice Christmas.. You know when you just have a bad day the second you wake up. And it feels like nothing's going right and you can't wait to go to bed and hope that tomorrow will be better. Christmas was like that. I was in a bad mood pretty much all day and yes it sucks but I tried to do something about it but I just had a bad day and there was nothing I could do even if I tried. I did get a lot of nice gifts and I am so so thankful. I'm currently at my moms apartment and I really want to go home. My mom has such a small apartment that they would hear if I cry.. So I just keep it in and wait till I'm home in my own room in the middle of the night. That's when I can cry. It's just that I've bottled up these thoughts inside for like two weeks and I want to cry and let it all out. Thank God I'll see my psychologist tomorrow so I can tell her what's going on in life and in my head. And then I'm going home, that's when I will cry. Damn I really want to go home now.
So yeah Christmas wasn't so good.. And what's sad is.. this was probably my last Christmas and it wasn't the best one.. But whatever.
New Year is coming. I will spend New Year's Eve with my best friends and hopefully we'll have a good time since it will probably be my last new year. I'm happy I get to spend it with my best friends because.. God knows what could happen if I would be home alone that night..

I hope you all had a nice Christmas.
And I hope you'll have an amazing New Year. *hugs*

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It's soon Christmas. I'm on Christmas break so I don't have school in like two weeks which is good so I have lots of time to relax and sleep.
I'm really trying to enjoy this time of year.
Drinking hot tea, listening to Christmas songs, wrapping presents and turning on the Christmas lights. I'm trying to ignore my dark thoughts but to be honest, it's getting worse and worse for every day that passes by. I'm trying to write down my thoughts, describing how I feel in poems. I'm staying up late at night when it's all quiet and everyone's asleep, while I'm writing poems and letters.
I'll try my best to have a joyful Christmas with my family and I'll try my best to not let my dark thoughts take over.
I hope you all have an amazing Christmas filled with lots of joy. Make sure to eat lots of sweets and delicious food, have fun with your loved ones, relax, watch Christmas movies, open presents, take pictures, make memories and have fun.
I'll update here after Christmas.
I love y'all, Merry Christmas. *hugs*

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