The last blogpost I wrote was a life update and this will also be one. In the last blogpost I told you that I was feeling better, happier and the most positive I’ve been in months. And it’s true. For a few weeks I was actually feeling better. But then, it all came crashing down again. It’s so hard to write stuff down when there are so many thoughts in your head. I don’t know where to begin.

One evening when I was feeling fine, I suddenly started crying. I was thinking about my life, my mom and her past. Memories and traumas came back. Then it all began again. I hit bottom again. I was feeling better for a few weeks and I fell. I was back at the start. But I will get back up, somehow.

I’ve been in a shock for a day because of what happened in Manchester. I don’t wanna talk so much about it. But it terrifies me. In concerts, people are supposed to feel like they can forget all the worries in life and feel happy and alive. People died and went missing. I can’t even imagine the traumas people will get. I hate this world. There are so many horrible and absolutely disgusting people in this world. But even though we are scared, we can’t stop trying to live our lives. We can’t hide and be scared because of what happens in this world. No one should be scared to go outside, to concerts or wherever. We can’t live our lives worrying or being scared too much. This world is a very dark place, but it can be beautiful. There is always hope. I’m getting tired of all the goddamn hate in this world. We really need to start accepting and loving each other. Can you imagine how incredibly beautiful the world would be if we replaced hate with love? It’s up to all of us to do that, love.

I’m praying for every family and every person who got affected by what happened at the concert and I’m praying for Ariana. I’m praying for more love and less hate, for more acceptance and less judgement. I’m praying for hope. It’s going to be okay, someday.

There are still some things I feel like telling since this is a life update. Bad news, I failed my math test haha. But I’ll fix that. I’ve been feeling pretty depressed lately and I feel like I’m not good enough for a person I love. I’m angry at myself for being like this, for being the way that I am. I’m so angry that the past two nights I’ve hit the wall until I’ve seen blood, great. But f*ck it. And the day before yesterday I got a mental breakdown at school, great.

I’m angry and sad but I still try to find hope. It’s going to be okay, I just have to believe it.

Good news, I’ve lost at least 14 kg (about 30 lbs) in 10 months and that is insane. I’m proud of myself. I finally start feeling more confident. Another good thing is that there’s only 9 days until summer break. I’m excited yet anxious and I’m not sure why.

I’m blessed to have a best friend who’s always there for me and she has helped me through a lot and I can’t even describe how much I love her.

I don’t know what more to say except, be kind to everyone, replace hate with love and replace judgement with acceptance. There is always hope.


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Hi everyone. How are you? I hope you’re fine. I’m going to write a life update even tho there isn’t so much that has happened but I just want to write.

These past few weeks I’ve felt so much better than the months before. I’m in a better mindset and I didn’t think that it was even possible for me to ever be this happy again. I have spent time with myself, writing and finding inspiration. I haven’t been around negative people, I’ve eaten much healthier and I work out everyday. I do things that make me happy.

In my recent blog post I told you about how I broke down one night. Same thing happened yesterday. So these past two nights I’ve had long mental breakdowns. I was just really sad about personal things I don’t feel like sharing on the internet. But I was scared that I will f*ck things up just by being myself and that’s why I was angry at myself, because I’m so messed up and I am terrified that it will ruin things. I was overthinking, I asked myself lots of questions that started with “what if”. I was blaming myself for things that have happened in the past. I felt like I wasn’t good enough. Not good enough for people to love me.

But I talked to my best friend then, when I was having a mental breakdown. And I can’t even begin to explain how much she means to me. She is probably the smartest person I’ve ever met and I’m so happy that I get to call her my best friend. She told me things, she told me the truth. And that helped me. She helped me. And I’m so thankful for that, for having her in my life.

I go to therapy once a week. My psychologist has noticed that I’m feeling better, that I seem brighter and stronger. And it’s true. These past few weeks I have learned so much. I’ve gotten through the mental breakdowns and anxious moments. I’ve learned a lot about myself and life. I feel stronger than ever before. In months, I haven’t seen a future but now I see one and that’s progress. I’m slowly becoming more confident. I feel happy. And I know that whatever happens, I will get through it. It will be hard, but it’s possible.


There’s only 17 days until summer-break. That’s insane. I am so so excited for summer. As you guys know I write a lot and I write down goals. I just wrote a goal-list for summer. It’s also a kind of to-do list. I have a lot planned and I’m so excited! This summer will be the best one yet, I will make sure it is. It’s going to be a summer to remember.

So there isn’t much left of school. Recently we have had lot’s of tests and I’ve gotten through each and every one. I only have one test left tomorrow and I’m sure it’s the last one. Then I also have a presentation in history on Friday which I’m a little nervous about but I’ll be fine.

I feel so much better than the past few months. I feel stronger and more confident than ever before. It is possible. No matter how hard life gets, no matter how many times it knocks you down, you can get back up.


I hope you all are okay. Stay strong, it’s soon summer.


I love you all. *hugs*

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Hey everyone. How are you? I’m fine, I’m okay. I’ve been in a really good mood these past few weeks and I’m so happy about that. I’ve been so positive, happy, motivated and inspired. But yesterday I totally broke down. I didn’t feel anxious, just really sad. I cried for over four hours in the evening. I cried about personal things. I was mad at myself and I felt bad and not good enough. At the end of the night my eyes were hurting and red. I went to bed at like 1 am and I was exhausted. But I was pretty okay when I went to bed because I was talking to some of the people I love the most. I just wanted to write this hoping that it would help someone. I just want to say that, it is okay. Sometimes it all gets a little too much. I felt so so bad and not good enough. But I told myself that tomorrow is gonna be better. Because it’s true. No matter how hard and difficult life gets, it’s gonna be okay no matter what. I know that this is hard but try to see something positive in every situation. I know I cried for hours but it made me feel better that I got to cry and write down my thoughts. I got it out of my head. I talked to some of the people I love the most, they helped me. Positive thing is that I get stronger after difficult situations.
I woke up today and I’m thankful for that. When I woke up I was hoping that it would be a better day. In the morning I was in a really sad mood from the night before and I started crying at school. But after awhile I was fine again. Now I'm feeling much better.
But yeah I just wanted to write this to tell you that no matter what happens, it’s going to be okay and you will get through it.

I’m here for you, I will listen and I care. If you need to talk you can always dm me on twitter: eleonoratessaa or on instagram: eleonoratessa.

I hope you all have a nice day. *hugs*

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​Since my last post was really depressing, I’m going to write something more positive.


We all want to be happy, right? At least I want to. I want to be happier and more positive. I try to but it isn’t easy. I think that since I’m really f*cking depressed and I’ve been depressed for a very long time, it takes time to get through it. Maybe it will take a few months or many years but eventually it’s going to be okay. Even if I’m depressed there are some days I feel happy. Some days I’m like this that I’m positive and stuff, like I’m right now. Who knows, maybe I’ll wake up tomorrow and wish I would be dead.

I try to be happier also because I’ve realized that my depression hurts many people around me and not just me. So maybe if I’m happier, everybody around me can be happier?

Here are some tips and advice on how to be happier and more positive.


​1. Do not let hate get to you. Do not let haters bring you down. Try to not give a shit about what people think about you and what they say behind your back. I’ve always tried to be a girl who nobody hates and who nobody will talk shit about but it isn’t how life works. There will always be someone who doesn’t like you but don’t let them bring you down. Yes, words hurt but try to not care about it. Remember that if that person doesn’t know you personally, don’t take what they say personal. If someone talks shit about you or judge you, remember that there isn’t anything wrong with you, there’s something wrong with them. There are people who talk shit about me, who laugh at me and who look at me with that bitchy look if you know what I mean. When I think about what they think about me or when I see them looking at me and laughing, I used to think to myself “yeah I hate me too”. As I said, some days I’m more confident, other days, nah. But recently I’ve become more confident and I don’t give a shit about what people think about me. ​It does not matter what other people think about you, what matters is what you think about yourself. Let me tell you honey, you are absolutely beautiful and do not let some stupid bitch bring you down. You’re cute as hell babe.

​2. Eat healthy. It may be easy to say and hard to do. I’ve been addicted to chocolate and stuff for a long time, I still am. The thing is that when I eat it, I enjoy it but as soon as I’ve eaten it I feel like throwing up. I’ve recently stopped eating shit like that and I feel better. Honestly. So please just try to stop eating shit. There’s this quote that says “Eat shit, look shit, feel shit or eat good, look good, feel good.” I know that chocolate, candy, chips and stuff like that, it is good but it is absolutely not good for your body. When you eat healthy, you’ll feel much better, trust me. And please, please do not starve yourself. I’ve done this and I noticed that I was more tired than normal and I didn’t have much energy at all. There’s no need to starve yourself. If you want to be thinner, do not starve yourself, eat healthy, that’s when you’ll see most change in your body. Believe me.

​3. Be around positive people. I know a lot of people who aren’t positive at all. And when I’m with them I easily stop being happy too. But that doesn’t mean I’m going to stop hanging out with them, because I love those people, like really much. But as I said, hopefully my positivity will help them to be more happy. But be around positive and good people. Be around people who lift you up, not bring you down. And try to make the people around you more positive by spreading joy.

​4. Wake up early. I’m a morning person. No matter how much or little sleep I get, when my alarm goes off at 6 a.m or if I wake up earlier than that, I get up. Okay on the weekends I sleep more but I try to get up at least before 10am on weekends. When you wake up earlier, you get so much more done. I love to just sit here at 6am, writing, drinking coffee, looking out the window and seeing the sun shine already at 6am. And now when summer’s almost here, I open the window so that I can hear birds singing. I love it. When I wake up early I feel so much more productive and that makes me feel good, happy.

​5. Listen to music. Now I don’t mean sad music with lyrics that make you tear up, even if you do relate to it. I mean music that makes you happy, which gives you energy. Dance around your room, sing along to it like there’s no unhappiness inside of you. Everyone loves music, am I right? Listen to something that makes you feel good.

​6. Wear something that makes you feel confident. I love fashion and I always put on some clothes that will make me feel good. Before I leave to go to school or somewhere else, I take a look in the mirror and I want to smile. I wear something that makes me feel confident. Wear what you want to wear, even if someone thinks that what you wear doesn’t look good.

​7. Set some goals for yourself. Set goals for yourself that make you wanna jump out of bed in the morning with excitement and joy, and please do not stop until you achieve those goals. I’ve made a list of things I want to achieve in 2017. I’ve made a list where I’ve written what things I wanna achieve this month. If I don’t write that down, I probably won’t do anything about my goals. When I write down when I wanna do it, I know I’ll get it done, and I won’t waste any time.

​8. Make changes in your environment. I personally love to clean and make changes in my bedroom. You may think that I’m weird when I say this but I love cleaning. My room is clean all the time and if it isn’t I don’t feel good and I feel like I can’t do anything else before I’ve cleaned that mess. I also love to make some changes in my room every once in awhile. Even the smallest things can make a difference, like hanging up some pictures or buying a new plant or just cleaning and getting rid of unnecessary things which will make your environment more clean and pretty. I hope that what I’m saying makes sense haha.

​9. Change your routines. This is kind of similar to my last tip, to change my environment. Changing your routines, to change some things in your daily life. This can make you feel so much more inspired and it can kind of give you a fresh perspective if that makes sense. These are some of the changes I’ve changed to in my daily life. Waking up at 6am, not eating the same breakfast as always, writing in the morning or reading in the morning (because it puts me in a good mood), being positive at school instead of complaining, thinking that “okay let’s do this” instead of “ugh I’m too tired I don’t wanna do this”, walking home, eating healthier, changing my environment, watching and reading something that makes me happy and more positive, instead of listening to depressing music and thinking about how much I want to die.

​10. Do more of what makes you happy. I’m sure you have heard that before, am I right? But it is true. To be happier you have to do things that make you happy. You can’t wait for something to come into your life that makes you happy. ​You can not wait for happiness to come to you, you have to create it. For example, I love writing, taking pictures and eating healthy. I love to wear clothes that make me feel confident and I love cleaning. There are many more things that make me happy. What may help you is to write down things that make you happy. Then do things that make you happy, it can be the smallest things like writing, going out on walks or cuddling you dog. Don’t focus on what other people are doing, don’t focus on what they think about you and what you do. Do what you want to do. Do what makes ​you happy.


Life sucks sometimes but it’s going to be okay. This is a messed up world and it needs more light and positivity. Be happy and spread happiness.

Be thankful for every single breath.

Life is a gift and it’s up to you to make the most of it.

There you have some tips on how to be happier. I may write similar blog-posts like this one. I hope that this helped you even a little bit.

*hugs*,Tessa.

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Suicide is a serious subject a serious thing. It is not okay to joke about it.

I am writing this post from the bottom of my heart.


I’ve never believed that nobody cares about me. I know that lots of people care. I’ve never said “Why don’t I just kill myself? Nobody would care. Nobody would notice.”

If you have ever said those words, let me tell you. I care. Even if I don’t know you. I still care. Because you are here for a reason. You are not a waste of space. You are not worthless. You deserve to live.

Everybody says that it gets better. I myself do not believe in that fully. I still have these thoughts that say “it’s not going to be okay, so what’s the point?” But I do try to believe that it’s going to be okay. I try to not lose hope. You may wonder how I, a pretty messed up, depressed and suicidal girl, how can I write this?

They say “we are all just suicidal kids trying to tell other suicidal kids that suicide is not the answer.” I want to help. I want to inspire. That’s all I want. I may not believe in all of this that I’m writing, yet. But I try to. I’ve been thinking about this a lot and I’m going to tell you

what happens if you kill yourself


TRIGGER WARNING!!!!


It’s 8:23 am. You lay there, on the floor in your bedroom with the empty bottles of pills next to you as well as an half empty bottle of vodka. You are not inhaling or exhaling.

Your mother walks into your room because you didn’t answer her when she was calling your name from downstairs.

She opens the door and sees you there. She screams your name and falls on her knees next to your body.

Your brother, sister and your dad rush into the room, wondering what’s going on. Your sister starts sobbing and your brother holds her while tears stream down his face. Your dad is shaking as he calls 911. They are all in shock. Your mother tries to wake you up but she realizes that you won’t wake up, ever again.


At school, the principal gathers all the students first thing in the morning.

Everyone is wondering what is going on when they see that some of the teachers are crying. The principal announces your suicide. It takes a moment before everyone realizes what they just heard. Many students instantly start sobbing. Your classmates are crying and thinking that they could have saved you only if they knew, only if they had talked to you. The people who didn’t know you personally and who just passed you in the hallways, they are in shock, also crying. The girls that bullied you, they are sobbing and blaming themselves. The people who called you different names, they are crying and they are angry at themselves. Then there are your best friends. They start screaming and fall to the floor. They can’t catch their breaths because they are sobbing so much. Your best friend gets a panic attack right there and then.

Your best friends that don’t cry easily, they are crying harder than ever before. Your boyfriend is breathing fast, crying loudly and shaking. He is angry at himself for not being there that night like he should’ve. He is angry and sad because he doesn’t get to marry the love of his life. He is angry and sad and blaming himself for not giving you enough love that maybe could’ve saved you. Everyone is in complete shock. Everyone blames themselves, thinking that one simple thing like a phone call could have saved you. But it was too late. You were gone, and you were never going to come back.


It’s been one year. Some teachers quit their jobs. Everyone at school still get tears in their eyes everyday when they see your empty seat. The mean girls who bullied you, they are all still blaming themselves, not forgiving themselves. No matter how much they wish they could have been nice to you, no matter how much they apologize, it won’t bring you back.

Your brother who had good grades and who was the most positive person you had ever known, he is losing hope. His grades are sinking and his smile has faded away. Do you know what happened to your sister? Your sister who you meant everything to? Your sister who had big dreams to travel and to move into an apartment with you when you both would’ve gone to university. Your sister hung herself three months after you overdosed.

Your mother lost her job. Now she isn’t eating much and she lays in bed all day, trying to sleep and then wake up to see you at the dinner table making cereal that you loved. But, no matter how long she is sleeping, no matter how much she’s dreaming and no matter how many times she wakes up, you aren’t there. You aren’t at the dinner table making cereal, you aren’t there at all.

Your dad works as much as possible, trying not to go home to the house where you used to listen to Nirvana so loud that no one could even hear the football game on tv.

Your dad comes home in the night after working all day, he grabs the bottle of whiskey and sits down on the couch in front of the tv which is turned off.


Your best friend is in hospital after trying to overdose. She didn’t succeed like you did, but she’s now in a coma and nobody is sure if she’ll ever wake up. Your other best friend did succeed, he jumped off the highest bridge in the city. Your other best friends all cut themselves now, still blaming themselves for not saving you. They all go to therapy, depressed and losing hope. Your boyfriend is depressed, laying home in bed, not strong enough to go back to the school where you and him would meet at his locker first thing in the morning. He can’t go to the school where you two used to kiss in the hallway before going to separate classes, to the school where you used to eat lunch together. He doesn’t wanna live in a world without you. He lays in bed all day everyday, wearing your favourite hoodie of his, which still smells like your vanilla perfume.

Don’t say that everyone will be better off without you, because they won’t. Don’t believe that everything would be better if you just killed yourself.

They say that suicide doesn’t end the pain, it gives it to someone else. That’s not true. Suicide doesn't just end your life. It ends everyone else's too.

This might be the heaviest, most sad and the realest post I have ever written and ever will write. I hope that this post might make you realize that suicide is not the answer. And I hope that this post might help me to realize that, too.

I am always here for you. I will listen. And I care.

Love, Tessa.

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Yeah I may be depressed but there are still a lot of things that I actually love and enjoy in life. I wrote this list pretty early in the morning and I’m already in a pretty good mood. You can write your own list and read it every morning so that it puts you in a good mood and helps you notice even the small things that bring happiness into your life.

Hopefully I’ve helped you find some things that also make you happy by writing this list.

Yes life sucks sometimes or most of the time, but we need to be thankful and still enjoy some things that life gives us.

So, here are more than 100 things that make me happy.


  • Pizza
  • Food
  • Drinking hot coffee on a Sunday morning
  • Music
  • Discovering new music
  • Loud music on roadtrips
  • Going to a nice restaurant
  • Cozy coffee shops
  • Waking up to the sun shining through the window on a summer morning
  • Sunrises
  • Breath taking sunsets
  • Good books
  • Reading a new book
  • Buying books
  • Cuddles
  • Going to the movies
  • Shopping
  • Decorating my room
  • Ikea
  • Going shopping with a good friend or my squad
  • Going to the movies with my big brother or/and a good friend
  • Trying on clothes
  • The feeling of excitement after watching a good movie trailer
  • The feeling of excitement when the clothes you try on fit perfectly
  • Wearing an outfit that makes you feel confident
  • Wearing high heels that make you feel confident
  • Deep talks with a good friend
  • Those unforgettable nights with good friends
  • The feeling you get after you shaved your legs, put on a oversized t-shirt and curl up in bed with fresh sheets.
  • Fall
  • Candles
  • Fall fashion
  • Oversized sweaters
  • Colorful leaves in fall
  • Fairy lights
  • Rain
  • Falling asleep to the sound of rain
  • Waking up to the sound of rain
  • Fireplaces
  • Christmas shopping
  • Giving gifts
  • Receiving gifts
  • Starbucks
  • Coffee
  • Latte
  • Photoshoots
  • Taking pictures
  • That feeling of excitement when you get the perfect photo
  • Adventures
  • Visiting new places
  • Roadtrips
  • Bonfires
  • Flowers
  • Dogs
  • Chihuahuas
  • Turtles
  • Seals
  • Long hugs
  • Hugging a person who’s taller than me because I feel protected
  • Forehead kisses
  • Concerts
  • Sound of ocean waves
  • Sound of the wind blowing through the leaves
  • Smell of fresh cut grass
  • Seeing someone you love after a long time of being apart
  • Butterflies
  • Compliments
  • Laughing until you cry
  • Having a movie marathon
  • Great hair days
  • Hot showers
  • Hot chocolate on a cold day
  • Chocolate
  • Cute text messages
  • Seeing your idol create something new for their audience
  • Seeing your idol succeed
  • The feeling you get when your crush likes your instagram photo
  • Hearing someone say I love you
  • Arizona tea
  • Youtube
  • Inspiring books
  • Netflix
  • Inspiring movies
  • Knowing the lyrics to a song
  • Singing on top of my lungs
  • Playing the piano
  • Art
  • Drawing
  • Painting
  • Writing
  • Inspiring
  • Making someone smile and laugh
  • Seeing the person you love laugh and smile
  • Stars
  • The peaceful feeling you get while looking at stars
  • That amazing feeling when you listen to a good song and you get goosebumps
  • When you watch a new episode of your favorite show
  • Getting a letter
  • Nature
  • Cake
  • Seeing results after working hard on something
  • The feeling of confidence you get when your makeup looks good
  • Summer
  • Laying in the sun
  • Dreamcatchers
  • Poets
  • Relatable quotes and poems
  • Writing quotes and poems
  • Looking at the moon
  • When your favorite artist comes out with a new song or an album
  • When you've ordered something online and the package arrives
  • Seeing someone attractive and getting that feeling in your heart
  • Girls
  • Boys
  • Love
  • Accepting yourself
  • Accepting your sexuality
  • Kisses
  • Loving yourself
  • Believing that everything will be ok
  • Plants
  • Cinnamon buns
  • Croissants
  • Ice coffee
  • Him
  • When guys wear earrings
  • Jawlines
  • Green eyes
  • Sweatpants
  • Naps
  • Stuffed animals
  • Big teddy bears
  • Breakfast
  • Kiwi’s
  • Buying new stuff for artwork
  • Hearing someone say that I’m good at singing
  • Buying something that’s on sale
  • Candy
  • Looking into the mirror and smile instead of cry
  • Shawn Mendes
  • Puppies
  • Rainbows
  • My family
  • Makeup
  • Trying something new
  • My favorite bands
  • Sun
  • Hearing someone say thank you
  • Holding hands
  • Making someone proud
  • Vegetables
  • Being nice
  • Smiling
  • Having a good day
  • Seeing someone attractive
  • Planning
  • Saving money
  • Sleeping
  • My blog
  • Blogging
  • You

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I recently read a book called "Love letters to the dead" by Ava Dellaira and it's now my favorite book. I read it two times in a row because it's so good. It begins with an assignment for English class, write a letter to a dead person. Laurel (who's the main character in the book) writes a letter to Kurt Cobain who died young, like her sister May who died. Laurel starts writing more letters to more dead people like River Phoenix, Amy Winehouse and Janis Joplin. She writes about her new high school, her new friends, her first love, her shattered life and how she blames herself for her sisters death.

I can relate to the story in this book, even tho it isn't similar to my story. When I read this book I realized that there are lots of words that I find inspiring and that I relate to. So I bought the same book, wrote down the page numbers with the words and sentences I found inspiring. Then I cut out the pages, highlighted the words and put them all into a frame that's now on my wall. I know you may think I'm such a nerd because I'm talking about a book but I don't care. I love books and reading, especially this book.


There are so many words that I love in this book, but especially these words I'll write now, about being in love.

"There are two most important things in the world - being in danger, and being saved."

"Do you think we go into danger on purpose, so we can get saved?"

"Yes, sometimes. But sometimes the wolf comes down out of the mountains, and you didn't ask for it. You were just trying to take a nap in the foothills."

"But if those are the two most important things, what about being in love?"

"Why do you think that's the most profound thing for a person? It's both at once. When we are in love, we are both completely in danger and completely saved."

When I read that, I thought that it was true, and yes it may be, but then I read this:

"What I told you about saving people isn't true. You might think it is, because you might want someone else to save you, or you might want to save someone so badly. But no one else can save you, not really. Not from yourself. You fall asleep in the foothills, and the wolf comes down from the mountains. And you hope someone will wake you up. Or chase it off. Or shoot it dead. But when you realize that the wolf is inside you, that's when you know. You can't run from it. And no one who loves you can kill the wolf, because it's part of you. They see your face on it. And they won't fire the shot."

When I read this, it hit me. Even if you seem tough, you're afraid, like me, that there is something inside of you that could eat you alive.

No one can save you from yourself. No one can kill the wolf inside you because it's a part of you. You can't kill the wolf inside of you and you can't run from it either. I guess that you just have to learn to live with it.


I know that most of you reading this will just think that this is weird and even ridiculous. But when I read this, it's probably one of the realest things I've ever read. Because I understand it, I get it. And it's okay if you don't understand what I just wrote. I just wanted to write this blog post because I've been thinking about this a lot and I think it was worth sharing.

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Hey everyone, how are you all? I'm not gonna lie, I'm not so good. I mean, some moments I'm okay but most of the time I'm not. I'm pretty far from okay to be honest. I'm not sure what I'm going to write in this post, probably just a life update.

School is incredibly hard. I'm trying so hard to make it work but it's not going well. These past few weeks it's been really really hard. Last week I went home two times from school in the middle of the day because I just couldn't stay there. I've actually slept during some classes because I've been so exhausted. I know that my grades are sinking and I try to keep them up but no matter how hard I try I just can't because I'm so incredibly depressed. And I hate that. But I can't do anything about it. And I don't want people to think I'm lazy because I leave school early and because I'm not motivated. I'm sorry but I can't really do anything about it.

My dad has no idea that it's not going well at school. I guess I'm pretty good at lying and pretending. Lots of people have tried to convince me to open up and talk more to my dad but it's never going to happen, ever. I won't talk to my dad about these kind of things, like why it isn't going well at school or my depression. But I can talk to my mom and her boyfriend. I haven't seen them in a few weeks because I've been busy during these past few weekends but this weekend I'll see them. But anyway so I haven't talked with them so much about these things, but I will.

About my mental health, well it's getting worse for every day that passes by. But I have to keep on going no matter what, right? I don't have any other choices. I've had headaches literally every single day these past two weeks. I don't feel like eating because when I look in the mirror I feel like breaking it. And after I eat, I feel like throwing up. So that sucks. But one positive thing is that I've been a vegetarian for 6 months now and I'm pretty proud of myself, not that anyone cares haha.

I see my psychologist every week and it does help but I still have these thoughts and I'm still more depressed than ever. I'm not sure if this is too personal but I may get a new medicine since the one I'm currently taking doesn't help at all. I remember that my mom told me to not tell anyone about these things and I just think that it isn't really something I need to hide. I mean, I write so many personal things here and I don't really care if someone thinks it's too personal.

Recently I've been reading about different mental illnesses just because I find it really interesting. And I came across "Borderline personality disorder" and let me tell you, it fits me pretty much perfectly. I've done a lot of research and I've written down symptoms and most of them describe me. I'm going to talk to my psychologist about this.

One more positive thing, I think I'm in love again (once again, not that anyone cares) and I'm not going to talk about it much at all, just mentioning it here since I'm writing a life update. I may write another blog-post based on this subject.


Another positive thing is that it's Spring! Less than two months until summer break! I'm excited, okay who wouldn't be? I just love when the sun is shining and the sky is blue and then the night sky is clear and filled with stars. I was actually outside watching stars last weekend just for awhile and as always, it was breathtaking. I can't wait until it's summer so I can look at stars every single night if I want to.

One more thing, this month (4/22/17) will be exactly three years ago I started this blog, yep that's right. On the 22 of April 2014 I uploaded my very first blog-post. Ofcourse it was a really pointless blog-post, come on I was only 12. I recently went back and deleted all my old blog-posts when I used to write in Swedish. I just found that pointless so now all the posts that I didn't delete are in English.

I don't know what more to write in this blog-post, but I hope you all are okay and if not, it will be okay someday. Trust me.

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Hey, how are you? I hope you all are fine. I'm okay I think.
Today is Sunday and I'm sure most people hate this day because it means that tomorrow's Monday, which sucks. But let's try to think positive. A new week begins and I pretty much always tell myself that this week I'm going to try my best at school, be happy and positive, work out and eat healthy. But then on Monday morning I'm already like "nah, I can't do this." and the day ends up being a total disaster because I'm not putting my mind into anything really. I always tell myself this week I will change for the better, but I don't and then the week turns out to be just like the other weeks, depressing.
But it doesn't have to be like that, you just need to put your mind into things, try and don't give up. If you want every day to be as good as possible, it's up to you to make sure they are. It's up to you. No one else can make sure you have a good day or a week, it's you. I understand, it's easy to say and hard to do. I get that, because I'm depressed as hell, I'm tired, or exhausted actually and I give up easily. But it's not impossible for you to try to be more positive. You can do it. There are lots of obstacles on a daily basis and it will knock you down, but you can get back up. Don't give up. I know that some days are worse than others and that is totally okay. I'm not saying that every day will be good or perfect if you have a positive mindset and that you'll be happy if you're positive and stuff, no. You're human and you can't be happy all the time. But when hard times come and when it sometimes gets a little bit worse, learn from it. When life knocks you down, get back up, dust yourself off and don't give up. I believe in you. It's your life and be grateful for every single breath. It's up to you to live your life to the fullest.

It's Sunday and you've gotten through every obstacle and every difficult situation so far. And I think you deserve to have a kind of lazy day. Stay in your bed if you want to, with your pj's on all day. Read a book and drink tea, watch a movie and eat cookies, listen to music and paint or draw. Take a long and hot bath or shower.
Plan out your week and write down what you want to do, what you want to achieve. Write down goals and tell yourself you won't stop till you reach them all. Be proud of yourself for getting though this week and go early to bed so you get enough energy to wake up on Monday morning and conquer the day. I believe in you.

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I'd do anything to have a life without anxiety, but it's impossible.
I deal with anxiety on a daily basis, literally every day. But this week it's been worse. On Thursday morning I was fine, I actually told myself that I'm going to make sure it's a good day, but little did I know it wouldn't be. After getting through three classes, I suddenly started feeling anxious. I'm not really sure why. But I had to get out. As soon as the class was over, I walked fast outside to get some fresh air. It was cold but I didn't care. I stood there for probably 15 minutes until it was time to go back to class, but I couldn't do it. Instead I went to the bathroom and locked the door. I looked at myself in the mirror with tears in my eyes and then I sat down on the floor and started sobbing. I kept whispering to myself 'it won't get better it won't get better'. I don't know how many minutes went by but at some point my teacher knocked on the door and asked if I could open it, so I did. My teacher sat down next to me and tried to calm me down. I sat there for a long time just crying while listening to my teacher who was talking to me. Then she asked if there's someone who I'd want to talk to, so I told her and a few seconds later my best friend came and locked the door behind her. I hugged her and cried even more. She asked me what was wrong and I told her that I didn't know. There was just so much going on in my head. That's one thing that I hate with anxiety, in that moment it all seems like it's too much. There are so many thoughts in your head and you want to get them all out but you can't find the words. It feels like everything is crushing down but the truth is, it's all in your head. There's been lots of times when I've gotten anxiety attacks and the people who have been there next to me told me that 'this will not last forever, it's just an anxiety attack.' When they said that I replied with 'yeah I know but these thoughts won't go away even though the anxiety attack will.'
When my best friend sat next to me while I was sobbing she was trying to find out what has happened but I didn't know either. I just said that everything's going wrong and I can't do anything about it.
I told her I wanted to be alone so she left me and I locked the door. About ten minutes later the school nurse came and knocked on the door and I didn't have any other options than to let her in. She sat down and asked questions, while I calmed down after crying for over an hour.
She told me that she's going to call my psychologist because I told her to not call my dad. I had to get out of the bathroom and thank god everyone was in class, so no one saw me looking like a raccoon with my makeup messed up after crying. Since my psychologist wasn't there I had to talk with a doctor or whatever. During my long mental breakdown and anxiety attack I missed two classes and lunch, but I didn't mind. After school I hung out with friends and I was fine already by then.

Yesterday on Friday, in the evening I went to the youth center. It was pretty boring. The time was 9:20 pm when I went home, but the second I closed the door behind me I started crying and I got anxious. I sat down on my bed and texted my friends. I told them that it was a mistake to go home and I asked if they could come and meet me because I was afraid of being alone by myself. So I went out again and met my friends halfway back to the youth center. I started crying more when I hugged my best friend. She asked me what was wrong and I didn't know. We stood there in the dark for a few minutes while she held me, and then we walked back to the youth center. When I got back there I tried to do things so I'd forget that I was anxious. I got hugs from my best fiends and after a few minutes I was okay again.

When I get anxious it feels like I'm all alone and no one understands me. My heart beats fast and I can't catch my breath. My thoughts get louder and I overthink. It feels like everything is crushing down around me and it feels like I'm all over the place. I'm shaking and I feel lost. It feels like it's never going to be okay, it's never going to get better.
Having anxiety is scary, because when my thoughts take over, the worst things could happen.
As hard as it is to believe, it's going to be okay. Sometimes it all just gets a little too much.
It is okay to feel lost and to feel overwhelmed sometimes. Many people deal with the same things, same thoughts as you do. You're not alone, even though in the moment it feels like you are. People have told me that the anxiety attack will pass, and in that moment I don't believe it but it's true, it will pass. Sadly, the thoughts will stay.
It is okay to feel anxious and you're not weak for letting it take over. You're strong because you've gotten through every single anxious moment in your life so far.

I may not believe this myself but I hope you do, it's going to be okay.

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