Every thought in my mind
they are slowly drowning me
my past is haunting me and
every dream
is woken up by scream
my demons are louder
every day is getting harder
I cause myself this pain
by thinking about the blade sharp words you say
I fall asleep to the pain of knives
and then I dream about heights
stars and angels high up in the sky
they make me cry
I'm bleeding out and
my worth I doubt
every word that I tell myself
they may
lead me closer to my grave.
every hour I'm awake
going crazier day after day
wondering why it all goes so wrong
wondering how can I go on
I'm giving up
I'm just too messed up
let me take this pain away
I'm sorry I don't want to stay
- t.e

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I’m finally on summer break, well I've been on sumer break for almost 3 weeks already and now that I say that I'm stressing because I haven't really done much at all and I've been feeling so depressed. But I can’t even begin to describe how excited I am! I’m a little bit anxious since it’s the first year that I have a summer job and since I have anxiety it can be a little bit difficult but it’s worth it because I earn some money. But yeah anyway, I hope that this will be the best summer yet. In the beginning of the year I wrote a list of things I want to achieve this year and I haven’t really done much that’s on the list but I wrote a list of things I want to achieve/do this summer.

  • feel confident in a bikini
  • look at stars more often
  • sit on the beach in the evening and look at the sunset and listen to ocean waves that make the silence less silent
  • go to Sweden
  • do lots of shopping haha
  • lose weight and reach my goal weight
  • wake up early and go to the gym
  • go on lots of adventures
  • use my camera more
  • spend time with positive people
  • save money
  • eat healthy
  • spend time with people I don’t see so often
  • read lots of books
  • live in the moment
  • forget the stress and worries
  • focus on being happy and working on my mental health
  • spend more time with my mom
  • dance in the rain

I’m going to make sure that this is going to be a summer to remember.

I hope that you all have an amazing summer. Do things that make you happy, forget your worries and live in the moment.



There’s a lot going on and I feel like I should talk about it. Everyone knows some things about me or maybe they think they know. Let’s clear some stuff up. I’m not sure if most of you know this or not and I’m not sure if I’ve ever mentioned it on my blog, but I cut. There I said it. But it shouldn’t surprise you, am I right? And now people will think “she’s such an attention seeker” just because I cut. And I get that. People don’t understand. Some people cut to get attention which I think is unnecessary. I’m not one of those people, believe it or not. I don’t do it for attention. I’m not going to explain why I do what I do because people will still not understand. People think that I cut to get attention because I wear t-shirts (and it also seems to bother people that I wear a push up bra and tank tops, which makes me seem like a goddamn whore which I’m not). I’m sorry but am I not allowed to feel confident in my own body? I wear whatever I want to wear. I’m sorry if it makes you uncomfortable or triggered but it’s not like I can just remove what I have on my arms. If it makes you feel better, sure I can wear long sleeved shirts in the middle of summer, or instead you can just ignore me and not look at my scars and if it’s hard to do since it’s pretty easy to notice my scars, just leave me alone? Don’t come near me. That shouldn’t be so hard to do.

And what other people may think it disturbing is how open I am. I “complain” about my life, because sometimes I feel like saying stuff. I’m not always i therapy and now I’ve realized that I shouldn’t say some stuff to people that I think is personal. Because people will get angry and tired because I complain. I’m just talking as if I would be in therapy, because I thought that I could trust them and talk to them. But since it bothers people and since it can give people more ideas on what they can say about me, I will stop. I will stop talking about stuff to people. But on this blog I will write about whatever I want to write about, since it’s my blog. I may complain a lot but it’s not like I’m the only one who complains about life.

To be honest, I shouldn’t care about what other people say or think about me. I know who I am and most of the people who talk about me, do not know me. They think they do but they don’t. Keep on talking about me if it makes you feel better but whatever you say, it won’t define me, it defines you.

Another rumor that I’ve heard is that my quotes and poems are disturbing or weird or too deep or ridiculous. Well in case you didn’t know, I love poetry. I love writing. It helps me. And hopefully my words help other people. Maybe what I write can be inspiring? or relatable? And just because you don’t understand the point why I write, don’t fucking judge? I think it’s disgusting how other people can talk about how they find someone else's passion disturbing or weird or whatever. Writing makes me feel alive, so let me feel alive. And what I write maybe doesn’t make sense to you and it’s okay. Sometimes people just don’t understand.

There’s a lot of rumors about me and people talk about me behind my back. To be honest I think that even my closest friends do that. And now I find it really difficult to trust people. But it doesn’t matter what other people think about me, what matters is what I think about myself.

I’m weird, difficult to handle and I’m really fucking messed up. I believe in God and I pray to God almost everyday. I don’t give a shit about if you think it’s unnecessary or ridiculous, I won’t change. I support equal rights and I hope that someday both women and men will be equal. I don’t wanna call myself a feminist because people don’t like that word. If you are a feminist, people see you as a person who wants women to be on a higher level than men, which is not what it means. But in today’s society, if you are a feminist it means that you want women to be on a higher level than men. So I’m not a feminist, just to clear that up.

I’m bisexual, which people have been really supportive about. It seems like it hasn’t bothered anyone, which is good. But what annoys me is that even though it’s already 2017, people still use the word “gay” as an insult. If you do that, it only proves what an immature person you are.

What also annoys me is that people joke about serious things like suicide and rape. It’s so fucking wrong to joke about that stuff. People don’t know what other people around them are going through. If someone is suicidal, and you say rude or inappropriate comments about it, you might push that person over the edge. And if you do push the person over the edge, don’t fucking say after that that it was their fault. Yes it was their decision, but thanks to you and other things, the person committed suicide.

And joking about rape is extremely inappropriate. There’s nothing that’s okay with rape or joking about it. No means no and there’s nothing more you should have to say. So don’t fucking joke about rape.

Speaking about suicide, it seems to bother people that I talk about it for example on my blog. I’m suicidal in case you haven’t noticed and once again people will think that I am an attention seeker and that I say it to get attention but I don’t. How can you be suicidal to want attention? It doesn’t make any sense. If you know someone who is suicidal, don’t talk shit about it. You should help them. Do something. Talk to them, not about them.

It bothers people when I say that I want to kill myself and that I will kill myself. And I get it. It actually should bother you. And to the people I’ve said that to, I apologize. I’m sorry. It may make you worried and I’m sorry about that. I will stop saying that. But then again, I mean what I’ve said.

What I also want to talk about is my mental illnesses. When I went to the mental ward I was obviously not in school. I’m sure that there were rumors going around. Someone told me that they heard someone say that going to the mental ward was exaggerating. I went there because I didn’t trust myself being alone? I wasn’t exaggerating ffs. Same thing with not being in school. These past few weeks I’ve been at home a lot, away from school. And all that people were saying is that I was “sick”, that I was pretending just because I was too lazy to go to school. No. I am fucking depressed and some days are harder than others. Some days I don’t feel like eating or even getting out of bed. So I come up with an excuse to tell my dad because he doesn’t understand anything about mental illnesses. So I stay at home because I just can’t go to school because I’m depressed. But I don’t expect people to understand. What annoys me is that people don’t talk about depression. We have never talked about depression in school. Last week someone asked what anxiety was and I got so shocked. I get that some people don’t know how it feels like to have anxiety but the fact that people don’t even know what it is, that makes me upset. I hope that we would talk more about mental illnesses at school so maybe people wouldn’t judge so much. I will actually make a presentation this time next year and talk about mental illnesses.

I don’t know what more to say. It’s over 2 am and I have to get up in about 3 hours. But I had to write this.

I hope that this helped some of you to realize some stuff. I just wanted to clear some stuff up. This, what I just wrote, is the truth. It is the goddamn truth. So don’t say stuff that aren’t true. I’ve realized that people around me, even some of the people I’ve trusted, aren’t worth my time. I will surround myself with positive people who make me happy. I will let go of people who aren’t good for me. And whatever you say about me, whatever rumour you decide to create, I know who I am and that’s all that matters. Thank you for reading this, I really appreciate it.



The last blogpost I wrote was a life update and this will also be one. In the last blogpost I told you that I was feeling better, happier and the most positive I’ve been in months. And it’s true. For a few weeks I was actually feeling better. But then, it all came crashing down again. It’s so hard to write stuff down when there are so many thoughts in your head. I don’t know where to begin.

One evening when I was feeling fine, I suddenly started crying. I was thinking about my life, my mom and her past. Memories and traumas came back. Then it all began again. I hit bottom again. I was feeling better for a few weeks and I fell. I was back at the start. But I will get back up, somehow.

I’ve been in a shock for a day because of what happened in Manchester. I don’t wanna talk so much about it. But it terrifies me. In concerts, people are supposed to feel like they can forget all the worries in life and feel happy and alive. People died and went missing. I can’t even imagine the traumas people will get. I hate this world. There are so many horrible and absolutely disgusting people in this world. But even though we are scared, we can’t stop trying to live our lives. We can’t hide and be scared because of what happens in this world. No one should be scared to go outside, to concerts or wherever. We can’t live our lives worrying or being scared too much. This world is a very dark place, but it can be beautiful. There is always hope. I’m getting tired of all the goddamn hate in this world. We really need to start accepting and loving each other. Can you imagine how incredibly beautiful the world would be if we replaced hate with love? It’s up to all of us to do that, love.

I’m praying for every family and every person who got affected by what happened at the concert and I’m praying for Ariana. I’m praying for more love and less hate, for more acceptance and less judgement. I’m praying for hope. It’s going to be okay, someday.

There are still some things I feel like telling since this is a life update. Bad news, I failed my math test haha. But I’ll fix that. I’ve been feeling pretty depressed lately and I feel like I’m not good enough for a person I love. I’m angry at myself for being like this, for being the way that I am. I’m so angry that the past two nights I’ve hit the wall until I’ve seen blood, great. But f*ck it. And the day before yesterday I got a mental breakdown at school, great.

I’m angry and sad but I still try to find hope. It’s going to be okay, I just have to believe it.

Good news, I’ve lost at least 14 kg (about 30 lbs) in 10 months and that is insane. I’m proud of myself. I finally start feeling more confident. Another good thing is that there’s only 9 days until summer break. I’m excited yet anxious and I’m not sure why.

I’m blessed to have a best friend who’s always there for me and she has helped me through a lot and I can’t even describe how much I love her.

I don’t know what more to say except, be kind to everyone, replace hate with love and replace judgement with acceptance. There is always hope.



Hi everyone. How are you? I hope you’re fine. I’m going to write a life update even tho there isn’t so much that has happened but I just want to write.

These past few weeks I’ve felt so much better than the months before. I’m in a better mindset and I didn’t think that it was even possible for me to ever be this happy again. I have spent time with myself, writing and finding inspiration. I haven’t been around negative people, I’ve eaten much healthier and I work out everyday. I do things that make me happy.

In my recent blog post I told you about how I broke down one night. Same thing happened yesterday. So these past two nights I’ve had long mental breakdowns. I was just really sad about personal things I don’t feel like sharing on the internet. But I was scared that I will f*ck things up just by being myself and that’s why I was angry at myself, because I’m so messed up and I am terrified that it will ruin things. I was overthinking, I asked myself lots of questions that started with “what if”. I was blaming myself for things that have happened in the past. I felt like I wasn’t good enough. Not good enough for people to love me.

But I talked to my best friend then, when I was having a mental breakdown. And I can’t even begin to explain how much she means to me. She is probably the smartest person I’ve ever met and I’m so happy that I get to call her my best friend. She told me things, she told me the truth. And that helped me. She helped me. And I’m so thankful for that, for having her in my life.

I go to therapy once a week. My psychologist has noticed that I’m feeling better, that I seem brighter and stronger. And it’s true. These past few weeks I have learned so much. I’ve gotten through the mental breakdowns and anxious moments. I’ve learned a lot about myself and life. I feel stronger than ever before. In months, I haven’t seen a future but now I see one and that’s progress. I’m slowly becoming more confident. I feel happy. And I know that whatever happens, I will get through it. It will be hard, but it’s possible.

There’s only 17 days until summer-break. That’s insane. I am so so excited for summer. As you guys know I write a lot and I write down goals. I just wrote a goal-list for summer. It’s also a kind of to-do list. I have a lot planned and I’m so excited! This summer will be the best one yet, I will make sure it is. It’s going to be a summer to remember.

So there isn’t much left of school. Recently we have had lot’s of tests and I’ve gotten through each and every one. I only have one test left tomorrow and I’m sure it’s the last one. Then I also have a presentation in history on Friday which I’m a little nervous about but I’ll be fine.

I feel so much better than the past few months. I feel stronger and more confident than ever before. It is possible. No matter how hard life gets, no matter how many times it knocks you down, you can get back up.

I hope you all are okay. Stay strong, it’s soon summer.

I love you all. *hugs*



Hey everyone. How are you? I’m fine, I’m okay. I’ve been in a really good mood these past few weeks and I’m so happy about that. I’ve been so positive, happy, motivated and inspired. But yesterday I totally broke down. I didn’t feel anxious, just really sad. I cried for over four hours in the evening. I cried about personal things. I was mad at myself and I felt bad and not good enough. At the end of the night my eyes were hurting and red. I went to bed at like 1 am and I was exhausted. But I was pretty okay when I went to bed because I was talking to some of the people I love the most. I just wanted to write this hoping that it would help someone. I just want to say that, it is okay. Sometimes it all gets a little too much. I felt so so bad and not good enough. But I told myself that tomorrow is gonna be better. Because it’s true. No matter how hard and difficult life gets, it’s gonna be okay no matter what. I know that this is hard but try to see something positive in every situation. I know I cried for hours but it made me feel better that I got to cry and write down my thoughts. I got it out of my head. I talked to some of the people I love the most, they helped me. Positive thing is that I get stronger after difficult situations.
I woke up today and I’m thankful for that. When I woke up I was hoping that it would be a better day. In the morning I was in a really sad mood from the night before and I started crying at school. But after awhile I was fine again. Now I'm feeling much better.
But yeah I just wanted to write this to tell you that no matter what happens, it’s going to be okay and you will get through it.

I’m here for you, I will listen and I care. If you need to talk you can always dm me on twitter: eleonoratessaa or on instagram: eleonoratessa.

I hope you all have a nice day. *hugs*



​Since my last post was really depressing, I’m going to write something more positive.

We all want to be happy, right? At least I want to. I want to be happier and more positive. I try to but it isn’t easy. I think that since I’m really f*cking depressed and I’ve been depressed for a very long time, it takes time to get through it. Maybe it will take a few months or many years but eventually it’s going to be okay. Even if I’m depressed there are some days I feel happy. Some days I’m like this that I’m positive and stuff, like I’m right now. Who knows, maybe I’ll wake up tomorrow and wish I would be dead.

I try to be happier also because I’ve realized that my depression hurts many people around me and not just me. So maybe if I’m happier, everybody around me can be happier?

Here are some tips and advice on how to be happier and more positive.

​1. Do not let hate get to you. Do not let haters bring you down. Try to not give a shit about what people think about you and what they say behind your back. I’ve always tried to be a girl who nobody hates and who nobody will talk shit about but it isn’t how life works. There will always be someone who doesn’t like you but don’t let them bring you down. Yes, words hurt but try to not care about it. Remember that if that person doesn’t know you personally, don’t take what they say personal. If someone talks shit about you or judge you, remember that there isn’t anything wrong with you, there’s something wrong with them. There are people who talk shit about me, who laugh at me and who look at me with that bitchy look if you know what I mean. When I think about what they think about me or when I see them looking at me and laughing, I used to think to myself “yeah I hate me too”. As I said, some days I’m more confident, other days, nah. But recently I’ve become more confident and I don’t give a shit about what people think about me. ​It does not matter what other people think about you, what matters is what you think about yourself. Let me tell you honey, you are absolutely beautiful and do not let some stupid bitch bring you down. You’re cute as hell babe.

​2. Eat healthy. It may be easy to say and hard to do. I’ve been addicted to chocolate and stuff for a long time, I still am. The thing is that when I eat it, I enjoy it but as soon as I’ve eaten it I feel like throwing up. I’ve recently stopped eating shit like that and I feel better. Honestly. So please just try to stop eating shit. There’s this quote that says “Eat shit, look shit, feel shit or eat good, look good, feel good.” I know that chocolate, candy, chips and stuff like that, it is good but it is absolutely not good for your body. When you eat healthy, you’ll feel much better, trust me. And please, please do not starve yourself. I’ve done this and I noticed that I was more tired than normal and I didn’t have much energy at all. There’s no need to starve yourself. If you want to be thinner, do not starve yourself, eat healthy, that’s when you’ll see most change in your body. Believe me.

​3. Be around positive people. I know a lot of people who aren’t positive at all. And when I’m with them I easily stop being happy too. But that doesn’t mean I’m going to stop hanging out with them, because I love those people, like really much. But as I said, hopefully my positivity will help them to be more happy. But be around positive and good people. Be around people who lift you up, not bring you down. And try to make the people around you more positive by spreading joy.

​4. Wake up early. I’m a morning person. No matter how much or little sleep I get, when my alarm goes off at 6 a.m or if I wake up earlier than that, I get up. Okay on the weekends I sleep more but I try to get up at least before 10am on weekends. When you wake up earlier, you get so much more done. I love to just sit here at 6am, writing, drinking coffee, looking out the window and seeing the sun shine already at 6am. And now when summer’s almost here, I open the window so that I can hear birds singing. I love it. When I wake up early I feel so much more productive and that makes me feel good, happy.

​5. Listen to music. Now I don’t mean sad music with lyrics that make you tear up, even if you do relate to it. I mean music that makes you happy, which gives you energy. Dance around your room, sing along to it like there’s no unhappiness inside of you. Everyone loves music, am I right? Listen to something that makes you feel good.

​6. Wear something that makes you feel confident. I love fashion and I always put on some clothes that will make me feel good. Before I leave to go to school or somewhere else, I take a look in the mirror and I want to smile. I wear something that makes me feel confident. Wear what you want to wear, even if someone thinks that what you wear doesn’t look good.

​7. Set some goals for yourself. Set goals for yourself that make you wanna jump out of bed in the morning with excitement and joy, and please do not stop until you achieve those goals. I’ve made a list of things I want to achieve in 2017. I’ve made a list where I’ve written what things I wanna achieve this month. If I don’t write that down, I probably won’t do anything about my goals. When I write down when I wanna do it, I know I’ll get it done, and I won’t waste any time.

​8. Make changes in your environment. I personally love to clean and make changes in my bedroom. You may think that I’m weird when I say this but I love cleaning. My room is clean all the time and if it isn’t I don’t feel good and I feel like I can’t do anything else before I’ve cleaned that mess. I also love to make some changes in my room every once in awhile. Even the smallest things can make a difference, like hanging up some pictures or buying a new plant or just cleaning and getting rid of unnecessary things which will make your environment more clean and pretty. I hope that what I’m saying makes sense haha.

​9. Change your routines. This is kind of similar to my last tip, to change my environment. Changing your routines, to change some things in your daily life. This can make you feel so much more inspired and it can kind of give you a fresh perspective if that makes sense. These are some of the changes I’ve changed to in my daily life. Waking up at 6am, not eating the same breakfast as always, writing in the morning or reading in the morning (because it puts me in a good mood), being positive at school instead of complaining, thinking that “okay let’s do this” instead of “ugh I’m too tired I don’t wanna do this”, walking home, eating healthier, changing my environment, watching and reading something that makes me happy and more positive, instead of listening to depressing music and thinking about how much I want to die.

​10. Do more of what makes you happy. I’m sure you have heard that before, am I right? But it is true. To be happier you have to do things that make you happy. You can’t wait for something to come into your life that makes you happy. ​You can not wait for happiness to come to you, you have to create it. For example, I love writing, taking pictures and eating healthy. I love to wear clothes that make me feel confident and I love cleaning. There are many more things that make me happy. What may help you is to write down things that make you happy. Then do things that make you happy, it can be the smallest things like writing, going out on walks or cuddling you dog. Don’t focus on what other people are doing, don’t focus on what they think about you and what you do. Do what you want to do. Do what makes ​you happy.

Life sucks sometimes but it’s going to be okay. This is a messed up world and it needs more light and positivity. Be happy and spread happiness.

Be thankful for every single breath.

Life is a gift and it’s up to you to make the most of it.

There you have some tips on how to be happier. I may write similar blog-posts like this one. I hope that this helped you even a little bit.




Suicide is a serious subject a serious thing. It is not okay to joke about it.

I am writing this post from the bottom of my heart.

I’ve never believed that nobody cares about me. I know that lots of people care. I’ve never said “Why don’t I just kill myself? Nobody would care. Nobody would notice.”

If you have ever said those words, let me tell you. I care. Even if I don’t know you. I still care. Because you are here for a reason. You are not a waste of space. You are not worthless. You deserve to live.

Everybody says that it gets better. I myself do not believe in that fully. I still have these thoughts that say “it’s not going to be okay, so what’s the point?” But I do try to believe that it’s going to be okay. I try to not lose hope. You may wonder how I, a pretty messed up, depressed and suicidal girl, how can I write this?

They say “we are all just suicidal kids trying to tell other suicidal kids that suicide is not the answer.” I want to help. I want to inspire. That’s all I want. I may not believe in all of this that I’m writing, yet. But I try to. I’ve been thinking about this a lot and I’m going to tell you

what happens if you kill yourself


It’s 8:23 am. You lay there, on the floor in your bedroom with the empty bottles of pills next to you as well as an half empty bottle of vodka. You are not inhaling or exhaling.

Your mother walks into your room because you didn’t answer her when she was calling your name from downstairs.

She opens the door and sees you there. She screams your name and falls on her knees next to your body.

Your brother, sister and your dad rush into the room, wondering what’s going on. Your sister starts sobbing and your brother holds her while tears stream down his face. Your dad is shaking as he calls 911. They are all in shock. Your mother tries to wake you up but she realizes that you won’t wake up, ever again.

At school, the principal gathers all the students first thing in the morning.

Everyone is wondering what is going on when they see that some of the teachers are crying. The principal announces your suicide. It takes a moment before everyone realizes what they just heard. Many students instantly start sobbing. Your classmates are crying and thinking that they could have saved you only if they knew, only if they had talked to you. The people who didn’t know you personally and who just passed you in the hallways, they are in shock, also crying. The girls that bullied you, they are sobbing and blaming themselves. The people who called you different names, they are crying and they are angry at themselves. Then there are your best friends. They start screaming and fall to the floor. They can’t catch their breaths because they are sobbing so much. Your best friend gets a panic attack right there and then.

Your best friends that don’t cry easily, they are crying harder than ever before. Your boyfriend is breathing fast, crying loudly and shaking. He is angry at himself for not being there that night like he should’ve. He is angry and sad because he doesn’t get to marry the love of his life. He is angry and sad and blaming himself for not giving you enough love that maybe could’ve saved you. Everyone is in complete shock. Everyone blames themselves, thinking that one simple thing like a phone call could have saved you. But it was too late. You were gone, and you were never going to come back.

It’s been one year. Some teachers quit their jobs. Everyone at school still get tears in their eyes everyday when they see your empty seat. The mean girls who bullied you, they are all still blaming themselves, not forgiving themselves. No matter how much they wish they could have been nice to you, no matter how much they apologize, it won’t bring you back.

Your brother who had good grades and who was the most positive person you had ever known, he is losing hope. His grades are sinking and his smile has faded away. Do you know what happened to your sister? Your sister who you meant everything to? Your sister who had big dreams to travel and to move into an apartment with you when you both would’ve gone to university. Your sister hung herself three months after you overdosed.

Your mother lost her job. Now she isn’t eating much and she lays in bed all day, trying to sleep and then wake up to see you at the dinner table making cereal that you loved. But, no matter how long she is sleeping, no matter how much she’s dreaming and no matter how many times she wakes up, you aren’t there. You aren’t at the dinner table making cereal, you aren’t there at all.

Your dad works as much as possible, trying not to go home to the house where you used to listen to Nirvana so loud that no one could even hear the football game on tv.

Your dad comes home in the night after working all day, he grabs the bottle of whiskey and sits down on the couch in front of the tv which is turned off.

Your best friend is in hospital after trying to overdose. She didn’t succeed like you did, but she’s now in a coma and nobody is sure if she’ll ever wake up. Your other best friend did succeed, he jumped off the highest bridge in the city. Your other best friends all cut themselves now, still blaming themselves for not saving you. They all go to therapy, depressed and losing hope. Your boyfriend is depressed, laying home in bed, not strong enough to go back to the school where you and him would meet at his locker first thing in the morning. He can’t go to the school where you two used to kiss in the hallway before going to separate classes, to the school where you used to eat lunch together. He doesn’t wanna live in a world without you. He lays in bed all day everyday, wearing your favourite hoodie of his, which still smells like your vanilla perfume.

Don’t say that everyone will be better off without you, because they won’t. Don’t believe that everything would be better if you just killed yourself.

They say that suicide doesn’t end the pain, it gives it to someone else. That’s not true. Suicide doesn't just end your life. It ends everyone else's too.

This might be the heaviest, most sad and the realest post I have ever written and ever will write. I hope that this post might make you realize that suicide is not the answer. And I hope that this post might help me to realize that, too.

I am always here for you. I will listen. And I care.

Love, Tessa.



Yeah I may be depressed but there are still a lot of things that I actually love and enjoy in life. I wrote this list pretty early in the morning and I’m already in a pretty good mood. You can write your own list and read it every morning so that it puts you in a good mood and helps you notice even the small things that bring happiness into your life.

Hopefully I’ve helped you find some things that also make you happy by writing this list.

Yes life sucks sometimes or most of the time, but we need to be thankful and still enjoy some things that life gives us.

So, here are more than 100 things that make me happy.

  • Pizza
  • Food
  • Drinking hot coffee on a Sunday morning
  • Music
  • Discovering new music
  • Loud music on roadtrips
  • Going to a nice restaurant
  • Cozy coffee shops
  • Waking up to the sun shining through the window on a summer morning
  • Sunrises
  • Breath taking sunsets
  • Good books
  • Reading a new book
  • Buying books
  • Cuddles
  • Going to the movies
  • Shopping
  • Decorating my room
  • Ikea
  • Going shopping with a good friend or my squad
  • Going to the movies with my big brother or/and a good friend
  • Trying on clothes
  • The feeling of excitement after watching a good movie trailer
  • The feeling of excitement when the clothes you try on fit perfectly
  • Wearing an outfit that makes you feel confident
  • Wearing high heels that make you feel confident
  • Deep talks with a good friend
  • Those unforgettable nights with good friends
  • The feeling you get after you shaved your legs, put on a oversized t-shirt and curl up in bed with fresh sheets.
  • Fall
  • Candles
  • Fall fashion
  • Oversized sweaters
  • Colorful leaves in fall
  • Fairy lights
  • Rain
  • Falling asleep to the sound of rain
  • Waking up to the sound of rain
  • Fireplaces
  • Christmas shopping
  • Giving gifts
  • Receiving gifts
  • Starbucks
  • Coffee
  • Latte
  • Photoshoots
  • Taking pictures
  • That feeling of excitement when you get the perfect photo
  • Adventures
  • Visiting new places
  • Roadtrips
  • Bonfires
  • Flowers
  • Dogs
  • Chihuahuas
  • Turtles
  • Seals
  • Long hugs
  • Hugging a person who’s taller than me because I feel protected
  • Forehead kisses
  • Concerts
  • Sound of ocean waves
  • Sound of the wind blowing through the leaves
  • Smell of fresh cut grass
  • Seeing someone you love after a long time of being apart
  • Butterflies
  • Compliments
  • Laughing until you cry
  • Having a movie marathon
  • Great hair days
  • Hot showers
  • Hot chocolate on a cold day
  • Chocolate
  • Cute text messages
  • Seeing your idol create something new for their audience
  • Seeing your idol succeed
  • The feeling you get when your crush likes your instagram photo
  • Hearing someone say I love you
  • Arizona tea
  • Youtube
  • Inspiring books
  • Netflix
  • Inspiring movies
  • Knowing the lyrics to a song
  • Singing on top of my lungs
  • Playing the piano
  • Art
  • Drawing
  • Painting
  • Writing
  • Inspiring
  • Making someone smile and laugh
  • Seeing the person you love laugh and smile
  • Stars
  • The peaceful feeling you get while looking at stars
  • That amazing feeling when you listen to a good song and you get goosebumps
  • When you watch a new episode of your favorite show
  • Getting a letter
  • Nature
  • Cake
  • Seeing results after working hard on something
  • The feeling of confidence you get when your makeup looks good
  • Summer
  • Laying in the sun
  • Dreamcatchers
  • Poets
  • Relatable quotes and poems
  • Writing quotes and poems
  • Looking at the moon
  • When your favorite artist comes out with a new song or an album
  • When you've ordered something online and the package arrives
  • Seeing someone attractive and getting that feeling in your heart
  • Girls
  • Boys
  • Love
  • Accepting yourself
  • Accepting your sexuality
  • Kisses
  • Loving yourself
  • Believing that everything will be ok
  • Plants
  • Cinnamon buns
  • Croissants
  • Ice coffee
  • Him
  • When guys wear earrings
  • Jawlines
  • Green eyes
  • Sweatpants
  • Naps
  • Stuffed animals
  • Big teddy bears
  • Breakfast
  • Kiwi’s
  • Buying new stuff for artwork
  • Hearing someone say that I’m good at singing
  • Buying something that’s on sale
  • Candy
  • Looking into the mirror and smile instead of cry
  • Shawn Mendes
  • Puppies
  • Rainbows
  • My family
  • Makeup
  • Trying something new
  • My favorite bands
  • Sun
  • Hearing someone say thank you
  • Holding hands
  • Making someone proud
  • Vegetables
  • Being nice
  • Smiling
  • Having a good day
  • Seeing someone attractive
  • Planning
  • Saving money
  • Sleeping
  • My blog
  • Blogging
  • You



I recently read a book called "Love letters to the dead" by Ava Dellaira and it's now my favorite book. I read it two times in a row because it's so good. It begins with an assignment for English class, write a letter to a dead person. Laurel (who's the main character in the book) writes a letter to Kurt Cobain who died young, like her sister May who died. Laurel starts writing more letters to more dead people like River Phoenix, Amy Winehouse and Janis Joplin. She writes about her new high school, her new friends, her first love, her shattered life and how she blames herself for her sisters death.

I can relate to the story in this book, even tho it isn't similar to my story. When I read this book I realized that there are lots of words that I find inspiring and that I relate to. So I bought the same book, wrote down the page numbers with the words and sentences I found inspiring. Then I cut out the pages, highlighted the words and put them all into a frame that's now on my wall. I know you may think I'm such a nerd because I'm talking about a book but I don't care. I love books and reading, especially this book.

There are so many words that I love in this book, but especially these words I'll write now, about being in love.

"There are two most important things in the world - being in danger, and being saved."

"Do you think we go into danger on purpose, so we can get saved?"

"Yes, sometimes. But sometimes the wolf comes down out of the mountains, and you didn't ask for it. You were just trying to take a nap in the foothills."

"But if those are the two most important things, what about being in love?"

"Why do you think that's the most profound thing for a person? It's both at once. When we are in love, we are both completely in danger and completely saved."

When I read that, I thought that it was true, and yes it may be, but then I read this:

"What I told you about saving people isn't true. You might think it is, because you might want someone else to save you, or you might want to save someone so badly. But no one else can save you, not really. Not from yourself. You fall asleep in the foothills, and the wolf comes down from the mountains. And you hope someone will wake you up. Or chase it off. Or shoot it dead. But when you realize that the wolf is inside you, that's when you know. You can't run from it. And no one who loves you can kill the wolf, because it's part of you. They see your face on it. And they won't fire the shot."

When I read this, it hit me. Even if you seem tough, you're afraid, like me, that there is something inside of you that could eat you alive.

No one can save you from yourself. No one can kill the wolf inside you because it's a part of you. You can't kill the wolf inside of you and you can't run from it either. I guess that you just have to learn to live with it.

I know that most of you reading this will just think that this is weird and even ridiculous. But when I read this, it's probably one of the realest things I've ever read. Because I understand it, I get it. And it's okay if you don't understand what I just wrote. I just wanted to write this blog post because I've been thinking about this a lot and I think it was worth sharing.