​when you are broken

and he has left you

do not question

whether you were

enough

the problem was

you were so enough

he was not able to carry it

- rupi kaur


I got my hopes up. I thought that he loved me like I loved him. But I was wrong. He left. I knew that it would happen and that’s why it doesn’t hurt so much. When he told me that he leaves me, I couldn’t even cry because I was so shocked. I can’t do anything about it that he left. I just have to let go and not look back, I guess. I’m used to get my heart broken. Everyone leaves me sooner or later. They leave me because I’m depressed and anxious. And I can’t do much about it. But even though I’m broken and depressed, I would still do my very best to make the person I love, happy. I tried to make him happy but I guess I wasn’t good enough for him. To be honest, I feel sorry for him. He lost someone who would have given him everything he wanted, but it wouldn’t have mattered because I just wasn’t what he wanted. He lost someone who cared about him and who always wanted to make sure that he was okay. He lost someone who loved him.

I know that I deserve better than this. And I know that I deserve the love I try to give someone else. I’m confident enough to know that. I can’t do anything about it that I have so much love to give.

I know that not everyone who comes into my life will stay. People say that everyone who comes into your life, is either a blessing or a lesson. At first, I thought that he was a blessing but it turned out to be a lesson. I believe that everything happens for a reason and at first I thought that everything I’ve been through has led me to him, but I was wrong. But I know that I met him for a reason. Maybe so that I could learn to deal with heartbreak better.

Someday, someone will come into my life and that person will hopefully stay. Someday, I will be good enough for someone.


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​Please God, don’t take him away from me. He has become so important to me. This boy means everything to me. He makes me happy just by being in my life. I love him. I love everything about him. In my eyes, he’s perfect. His hugs make me feel safe, his kisses make my heart skip a beat, his laugh makes my heart melt, his smile makes me smile, his eyes are my new favorite color and when I looked into them, I saw everything I’ve always dreamed of. I love him more than a sky filled with stars. I love him more than anything, so please God, I beg you, don’t take him away from me. Please tell me he won’t leave. I have been through so much and heartbreak is something I don’t want to feel again. I believe that everything happens for a reason and I believe that everything I’ve been through has led me to him. People say that there’s always a light at the end of the tunnel and this time it’s not a train, it’s him. He saved me from the darkness. I’m still depressed but he helps me more than he knows. He helps me just by being in my life. It’s crazy that in this messed up world, I found him. I remember the first time I saw him. I instantly fell in love. Meeting him is the best thing that has ever happened in my life. I’m scared that he’s going to realize that I’m pretty messed up and then he’s going to leave me. I know I’m depressed and sad but I promise that I’ll do anything so he’s going to stay with me. I’ll do anything for him to stay with me. Because I love him. I really love him. I love him so goddamn much. I know I’m depressed but I’ll do anything for him to be happy. I may be broken but I’ll never do a thing to hurt him. I maybe can’t love myself but i will always love him. I maybe can’t fix myself but I’ll make sure he’s never broken. I may be the girl who isn’t afraid of death but I’ll stay alive as long as I get to call him mine. There aren’t enough words that could describe how much I love this boy. So please God, please tell me he’s not going to leave me. Please tell me he’s not going to leave me or turn his back on me. Because I love him and for the first time in a long time, I feel loved. Truly loved. And I can’t lose him. I just can’t lose him too.


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Hey everyone. How are you all? I hope you’re fine. I haven’t written here in many weeks. A lot has happened. Some personal stuff that I’m not going to talk about.

It’s already December and I can’t believe it. It’s soon 2018. I’ve been to the new school a few times just to see how it is and stuff, and next month I’ll start going there. I’m excited but also a little nervous. But it seems like a really great school.

Update on my depression. I’m still struggling everyday with anxiety and depression and my anxiety seems to get worse and worse if I’m completely honest. Some days are better, others are worse. I still go to therapy almost every week and it really helps. What also helps is my boyfriend. So there’s this boy I haven’t told you about yet. I met him in November and let me tell you, I love him. I spend as much time as possible with him. And when I move to my mom next year, I’ll see him more often. I have always believed that everything happens for a reason, and I believe that everything I’ve been through, has led me to him. Everything that has happened this year to me, led me to him. I can write a blog post about him.

It’s soon 2018 and I’m excited. There are so many new memories to make with the people I love the most. So many new goals to achieve and new chances to take. I hope that this year is going to be a good year. 2017 hasn’t been such a great year for me. A lot of bad things happened that has changed my life forever. Stuff I’m not going to talk about here on my blog.

I believe that 2018 is going to be a good year, I hope it will. I hope it’s a good year for you too. Take new chances, make new memories, live in this moment, don’t stress about the past or the future, reach your new goals, be positive and kind and don’t look back.


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​After you die, they say that your brain is still active for the following seven minutes. In those seven minutes, many believe you experience and relive your life over again in some form of an illusion, a kind of dream. People end their lives because the don’t wanna be alive anymore, but maybe it also is because they don’t feel alive. Maybe they do it for that one moment of feeling, relief from the numbness. Maybe it is for those special seven minutes, that for a short time, they have the opportunity to experience those memories once again before they are forever gone.


Yesterday I was outside looking at stars and I hadn’t done it in months. When I laid there under the sky filled with stars, it felt like I was dreaming. For once, I was living in the moment. And I actually felt alive that moment. I started thinking about death somehow. If it is as peaceful as being under a sky filled with stars. I don’t know, yet.


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What if I miss the old me? Not who I was before everything began to fall apart, but the person I was when everything was falling apart. What if I miss the depressed and anxious me? I mean, I do want to be happy and right now, I am. I’m feeling better than I did a few months ago. But somehow I miss who I was a few months ago. I guess that when we begin to be happy again, we feel numb because we aren’t in pain anymore. And we feel numb because we feel like we deserve pain. I don’t know. I’m still messed up, but I’m trying to not show it. I don’t wanna fall deeper into this mess I’m in right now. I guess that I just have to keep on going. I’ll be truly okay soon I think. But do I want to be okay? Or do I want to be in pain?

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Hey everyone, how are you all?
I'm okay I think. Or maybe I'm not, I don't know. I've recently started to think about what I talk about on this blog and I've now decided to not share too much of my life. I've written so many personal blog posts that I've now unpublished, posts I regret that I have written.
I'm still going to write life updates and stuff but maybe not so much about my personal life. I hope you understand. Thank you for reading my blog, it really means a lot. *hugs*

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I push you away

I lie when I say I’m okay

I hope it makes you stay

I don’t want you to worry

I’m so sorry

I’m not good enough

because I’m so messed up

I apologize for that

No one can bring me back

I lost myself years ago

when I decided I want to go

- t.e

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Do you ever feel like you’re empty, like you’re too sad to cry. You want to cry but you just can’t.

Recently, these past few weeks, I’ve felt like that. I feel numb. I feel empty. And I don’t know how to fix it. I’m still depressed. I’m not in pain. Or maybe I am in pain but just used to it? I don’t know.

It’s hard to explain. It feels like I’m missing something but I don’t know what that thing is. I’m sad and I don’t really know what makes me happy anymore, maybe that’s why I feel so empty.

There’s a lot going on and it feels like I’m losing my mind. I want to get out of my head. No matter how I try to escape my thoughts I just can’t. I’m so messed up. My mind is killing me. I’m getting worse and worse everyday. And I’m not sure what to do.

I just want you to know that I don’t know how much I’ll update on this blog because I’m going through a lot but I’ll write as soon as I feel like it. Don’t be worried about me, I’ll be fine.. eventually.


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​I don’t really remember the last time I wrote a life update. But I am writing one now.

A lot has happened this summer and there are some really personal things that I won’t share with you. I’ve been really busy and I’m going through some tough stuff. Let’s just say, I’m getting some rest.

What’s sad is that I had the worst summer break ever. I didn’t do any of the things I wanted to do. But oh well, whatever.

I wish I could tell you more but the stuff that has happened are so personal that I just can’t tell you.

I don’t really know what more to say except that I’ll be okay and no one should be worried.


I hope you all are okay and I hope you all had an amazing summer. *hugs*


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I think I've said this a few times, but I fall in love easily. People tell me that I'm so easy to get, and yeah maybe I am and let me tell you why. I fall for a person so incredibly fast. Just a simple text message, eye contact, a smile or a "hi" makes me fall in love. And it hurts. It hurts because people come into my life, become important and then they leave. I get that it's just how life works but every person I've fallen for has left me and it hurts. That's why I'm scared of falling in love. But even though I'm getting used to having a broken heart, it won't stop me from falling in love with people over and over again. I can't stop myself for having feelings for a person.

Some people play with my feelings and it hurts too but I can't really do much about it. I should ignore it when people play with my feelings but it's not easy and I don't know what to do about it. I just want to say that it's not fun when people play with someone's feelings, it's immature and also hurtful, so to the people who like to play with other people's feelings, stop.


Thank you for reading.

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