Life update once again.
So a lot has happened again. I choose to not share everything online.
Heartbreak and stuff but fuck it. But yeah a lot of suicidal thoughts like always. I'll at least be here until New Years so don't worry. Good thing is I have amazing best friends by my side even tho I'm really messed up.
School is pretty chill. Thank god tomorrow is December, can you believe it?! So it's soon Christmas which means more festive mood you know? I'm excited. Even tho I'm fucking depressed I'm trying to enjoy the holidays.
Oh and an update on my depression thing. So I've felt so depressed and other people are getting worried. But they don't really have to worry I mean I'm here for at least a month still?
I see my psychologist often so that's good. I write in my diary and I've been getting more into poetry which is nice. And I talk to my closest friends all the time. I meet them and hug them every day so that's good. So it's not like I keep everything to myself and not talk about what's going on in my head.
I saw a doctor with my psychologist and dad this week. I was so goddamn nervous but surprisingly, it went well. My dad was so chill. I thought he would be angry but no. So basically we talked about how I've been feeling. My dad doesn't know that I'm depressed because I'm good at pretending I'm ok and I never talk to my dad about how I feel and stuff. So they told dad that they're a little worried and that I'm not feeling good. They didn't tell him about my suicidal thoughts tho which is good. And we also talked about medicine. For a long time I didn't want medicine because if my dad knew I needed it, he would know that everything's not fine. But then one time I said yes I'd like to get medicine. Because it's getting to that point where people around me are getting so worried so I decided that the best thing to do is to get medicine. My psychologist also asked me once if I need to go to a like mental ward or something like that because she's worried I might lose control. I'd like to go to a mental ward but I hate people and being in a place I'm not used to be at makes me anxious. But we'll see. Maybe in 2017. I don't know. I have to think about it. But anyways so I got medicine. I took it for the first time today. The medicine I eat "is used to delay mood episodes in adults with bipolar disorder (manic depression)."
I googled about this medicine and it says that I may have thoughts about suicide while taking this medication. And then I read that less common side effects are for example depression and anxiety. So I'm a little bit confused. But I'm sure the doctor and my psychologist are sure about what they're doing so I don't have to worry about that. But yeah, so I got medicine. I still have to tell mom all about it because I haven't seen her in about a month and I'll see her this weekend.
But yeah, life sucks but whatever. I'm still breathing so that's good, right?


I hope you're doing good, enjoying the holiday season. And if you aren't doing so good, it's okay. It will be okay. *hugs*

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In the country I live in we don't celebrate thanksgiving. But if you read this and you live in a country where you celebrate it, happy thanksgiving!
Even tho I don't celebrate it, I'm still going to write a blog post based on what I'm thankful for.
I'm thankful for a lot of things, like my family, therapy, food, the roof over my head, Christmas, God and most importantly, my best friends.

I'm going to tell you more about why I'm thankful for my best friends.
They make me so goddamn happy. If I have a bad day, I can hug them and they make it okay. I hang out with them all the time at school and also after school. We listen to music, eat cookies, talk about life and laugh at dirty jokes. We write hilarious poems together and they make me laugh so hard my stomach hurts and I'm about to cry.
I love the way they smile and how their eyes shine when they're happy. I love the color of their eyes and I love their voices. I love it when they laugh. I also love that they make me laugh, they hug me and give me strength to get through the day. They listen to my problems. They accept my flaws, they accept me for who I am no matter the things I've done. They accept me even tho I'm messed up and depressed. They text me back when anxiety is kicking in and I can't catch my breath while I'm texting them I want to die.
I love spending time with them. Even if we just sit in silence. Just their presence makes me happy. Because when I'm with them, I know I'm not wasting a single second.
And that's it. That's what it's all about. That's what makes my life worth it all, what makes it worth living. The things they do, the little details about them. I love it all. I love their personalities, music taste and pretty much everything about them. I love it all. I love their flaws. No, they aren't perfect. They have made mistakes that may haunt them for a long time, but I accept them. I accept their mistakes. They aren't perfect, but they are flawed people worth loving. And I will love them until death, no matter if we drift apart in the future because they have given me some of the best goddamn memories that will last a lifetime.
My best friends are the only reason I'm still here. Without them, I'd be up in the stars right now. These people I'm talking about, they are like the blood in my veins and the air in my lungs. They keep me alive.

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In times like this
when hopelessness sinks in
I ask you God, guide me please?
During the darkest nights, I can not sleep.
I think about love and stars above.
Take all my fears, wipe away my tears.
For you God, I hope and pray
That I'm strong enough to stay another day.

In times like this
when hopelessness sinks in
I ask you God, am I even worth it?
During the darkest nights, I can not sleep.
I think about my life and people in it.
Take their fears, wipe away their tears.
For you God, I hope and pray
that they'll be strong enough to stay.

In times like this
when hopelessness sinks in
I ask you God, take me please.
During the darkest nights, I can not catch my breath.
I think about how, when and where.
My fears grow, my tears flow.
For you God, I hope and pray
that it will all be okay.

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Yes, I hold onto the stars. Yes, I let them burn me. Because no matter the pain and the loneliness, they keep me warm.
Some people may wonder why I'm so in love with stars. My friends for example, they have no idea why I love stars so much. Let me tell you why.
Stars appear every single night, right? They are always there, they will always be there, shining over us. When I lay under the stars I get a feeling of calmness. Stars make me feel like no matter what happens, they don't change. They stay pretty much the same, no matter what changes my life. No matter what happens in my life, stars are always there. Stars don't leave me, even if everyone else does. Stars will be there, even after I leave.
After I leave, if you feel alone just look up at the stars. I'll be there. And maybe you won't feel as alone as I once felt.

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Maybe life isn't for everyone? I don't know.

Hey everyone. There's a lot on my mind. A lot has happened in a short time, and I choose to not talk about it online. Don't worry, I do talk to someone about it.

But I'm still gonna update my blog. So I think God hates me. I believe everything happens for a reason and that God has a plan. But maybe his plan is to kill me? That's what it feel like at least. Why would he put me through all this pain? I don't know.

But anyway, so school sucks basically. We have a lot of tests this month, and I'm stressed. But hey I have to get trough it, right? There's no other way.
I don't feel motivated to do homework or to study. I don't feel like getting out of bed in the morning but I really don't wanna stay at home where my dad always asks me questions like 'how are you', 'are you sad' and questions like that and I'm so god damn tired of lying all the time but I have to. I don't want my dad to be worried so I just fake a smile and say I'm fine.
I don't eat much. I don't eat lunch at school but honestly I'd rather die than eat school lunch. Actually I would rather die than do anything.
I don't feel like seeing my mom. Not because I hate her, but because I just don't feel like it. She actually noticed that I wasn't ok but I just pretended that I didn't know what she was talking about. She literally said that I seem so cold. My mom thinks I'm cold. Like I have a cold soul. Great. But fuck it I maybe have a cold soul I don't even know anymore.

Mentally I'm fucked up. Like really fucked up. But hey it's ok. It doesn't really bother me. I'm used to this feeling. But just because I'm used to it, doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. I'm just thinking about suicide pretty much every second of the day but it's ok.

So yeah life sucks. But I think I can still stay for at least 8 months. Then we'll see what happens.

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Hey everyone, how are you all? I'm ok I think.
So yesterday was the 'World suicide prevention day.'
This topic means a lot to me. And it's very serious. It's nothing to joke about. I absolutely hate when people joke about suicide or mental illnesses.

Why do people kill themselves on purpose? It can be because of bullying, abuse, depression or many other reasons.
People who commit suicide want the pain to end.
Let me tell you, people who commit suicide are not selfish or attention seekers. Trust me, I know.


On average, 2000-3000 people commit suicide daily. For every person who kills themselves, 20 or more may attempt to end their lives.
Please hold on. I know it's hard, it's so damn hard. But don't give up. Life has so much in store for you. Places you haven't visited, movies you haven't seen, food you haven't tasted, music you haven't heard, books you haven't read, sunsets you haven't seen, people you haven't met, things you haven't experienced. Don't let go. Stay. Don't let this dark world bring you down. Be the light. Be the light this world needs.
You are here for a reason. You maybe don't know what that reason is but you will find out. Everything happens for a reason. You maybe don't know what that reason is but you'll find out.
And if you are dealing with suicidal thoughts or depression, don't be afraid to ask for help.

Suicide doesn't end the pain, it gives the pain to some else. Suicide doesn't end the chances of life getting worse, suicide eliminates the possibility of it ever getting better.
Don't give up.

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Hey everyone. How are you all?
I'm ok I think. Feeling depressed like always and my sleeping schedule is fucked up. I haven't slept well at all. I've had trouble to fall asleep. It has taken me hours to fall asleep and that means I've only been getting like four hours of sleep each night these past two weeks..
School started on Tuesday. First week was ok, no homework and it was pretty chill. But next week we have a normal week and honestly I'm not excited because this week that was pretty chill was difficult to get through and it sucks because this will get harder. But I just need to get through it somehow right?
I'm also going to see my therapist on Monday and I haven't seen her in over two months because I was on summer break. But I'm seeing her on Monday and I have a lot to tell her.
A lot has happened since I last saw her and I haven't even talked about the things here on my blog. For example my girlfriend broke up with me because it was long distance and it broke my heart because I really loved her. And also one of my relatives past away and I've been feeling so incredibly depressed and my brother moved to my mom because school and that means my dad is alone because no one is keeping him company except the dog because I'm always in my room thinking about death and I don't want my dad to be alone but I don't know what to do.  I'm also getting out of shape and feeling like shit because I'm so unhealthy.
Life is really hard oh my god.

And I just hope this school year is going to go well because it's a really important year. And it sucks because I'm feeling more depressed than ever. And I have to work on a lot of things. I have to stop being afraid to be wrong, stop being afraid of making mistakes and I have to stop comparing myself to literally everyone. It's destroying me. I also have to work on my history and pretty much every other subject. And this year I'm learning German and I feel like it's going to be hard. And I have to work on my behavior. It's not that I'm a bad kid it's just that I'm not really focusing and I'm laughing with my best friend literally all the time and I'm talking too much. I can already feel my grades sinking and it's only been a week so I have to really really get my life together or this year will be just as shit as the last one.

Today is Saturday and I'm going to draw and paint because I haven't had time to do that and I'm also going to take a long hot shower and listen to music. And I'm probably also going to take a nap.

But I hope you all are ok and hope you take care of yourselves and remember you are all beautiful and I love you.

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It will be ok.
Shhh just close your eyes.
Cover your ears.
Listen to the silence.
Breathe.
Let the tears stream down your face.
Keep breathing.
Inhale, exhale.
It will all be over soon.
Shhh be quiet.
It will be ok.
It's not your fault.
It never was, it will never be.
But don't get in the way.
Just sit there and wait.
Don't open your eyes yet.
Just keep quiet, it will all be over soon. It will all be ok.

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True friends are hard to find. So when you find a true friend, keep that person close. Never let that person go.
I'm so damn lucky to have one true friend. That's right, one. You don't need many friends. Quality over quantity.
Me and my best friend have known each other since 1st grade but we didn't get close until in 7th grade (this year). We started talking more, hanging out more and we realized we like the same things. When we started talking more I also realized that we have the same mindset. And a person with the same mindset as me is hard to find.
Me and my best friend can talk about anything. Anything.
And what I also love about her is that she doesn't like to talk shit about other people. We talk more about deep stuff or goals rather than talking about why someone is annoying or why we hate them.
Because friendships are not about gossiping. Friendships are about making memories, being there for each other and trusting each other.
And I also believe in long distance friendships. They can be just as serious as any other friendships.

Find friends that support you and your goals, who you can cry with, laugh with, who you can talk about anything with and someone who you enjoy being with. Because I've had friends that make me feel so bad about myself, someone who took all my positive energy. And I don't talk to them anymore.
Find friends who you feel most comfortable with, who you can be yourself with.

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If you feel like life is horrible and pointless and don't see a reason to stay here, I made this list of things of reasons to stay alive, things that make my soul happy. Things, feelings, experiences that make me happy. It took me a few hours to come up with these things. I hope after reading this you maybe feel more happy and remember to be grateful for everything.
And feel free to make your own list. Some of these things I actually haven't experienced but I can imagine how happy they make people. But anyway so here's a list of things, feelings, experiences that make me happy.

- Discovering new music.
- Eating when you're really hungry.
- Going to a nice restaurant.
- That calming feeling when you drink hot coffee in the morning.
- Seeing the sun shine through your window first thing when you open your eyes in the morning.
- Sunrises.
- Breathtaking sunsets.
- Deep talks with the right person.
- The feeling you get after you shaved your legs and put on a oversized t-shirt and curl up in bed with fresh sheets.
- Pizza.
- Big sweaters.
- Fall.
- Colorful leaves in fall.
- Fall fashion.
- Great outfits that make you feel good.
- Christmas.
- Shopping for Christmas.
- Photoshoots.
- Reading a good book for the first time.
- Buying books.
- Decorating your first own apartment.
- Going to ikea.
- Going to the movies.
- Adventures.
- Visiting new places.
- The feeling you get when you're hiking and get to the top and it feels like you're on top of the world.
- The smell of fresh flowers.
- Getting a pet.
- Cuddling with your pet.
- Long hugs.
- Forehead kisses.
- Roadtrips.
- Concerts.
- Going to bed when you're really tired.
- Sound of waves.
- Sound of the wind blowing through the leaves.
- Smell of fresh cut grass.
- Seeing someone you love after a long time.
- Coffeeshops.
- The excitement you get when you see a good movie trailer.
- Laughing until you cry and until your abs hurt.
- Taking pictures.
- The smell of a scented candle.
- Fairy lights.
- Decorating your room.
- Those long unforgettable nights with your best friends.
- Bonfires.
- Traveling.
- Great hair days.
- Cozy outfits.
- That feeling of confidence when you're wearing heels.
- That feeling when you take off your bra after a long day.
- Finishing a good book.
- Having a movie marathon.
- When they spell your name right at Starbucks.
- Starbucks.
- Nice hotel rooms.
- Hot showers.
- Sauna.
- Hot chocolate.
- Chocolate.
- Christmas lights.
- Weddings.
- Cute text messages.
- Coffee.
- Picnics.
- Seeing your idol create something new for their audience.
- Seeing your idol succeed.
- Getting a tweet from your idol.
- Getting a follow from your idol.
- The feeling you get when your crush likes your picture.
- Hearing someone say I love you.
- When someone tags you in pictures.
- Getting different kinds of tea you've never tasted.
- Arizona tea.
- Seeing your idol happy.
- YouTube videos that make you happy.
- Inspiring YouTube videos.
- Knowing the lyrics to your favorite song.
- Singing in the car.
- Fireplaces.
- Dogs.
- Art.
- The feeling of peace you get when you look at the stars.
- Huge teddybears.
- Getting a letter.
- Birthday cards.
- Christmas cards.
- That amazing feeling when you listen to a good song and you get goosebumps.
- Binge watching YouTube.
- Binge watching a show.
- The feeling of happiness when a new season or episode of your favorite show comes out.
- Accepting your flaws.
- Accepting your sexuality.
- Accepting yourself for who you are.
- Cake.
- Seeing results after working hard on something.
- Nature.
- The feeling of happiness after your dad rescues you from a spider.
- Dan and Phil.
- Buying new clothes and wearing them the day after.
- The feeling you get when your makeup is on point.
- Taking a good selfie.
- Seeing your idol happy.
- Seeing someone attractive and getting that feeling in your heart.
- The feeling of happiness when you buy a new cup.
- Laying under the sun.
- Looking at the moon.
- Hot guys.
- Dreamcatchers.
- When you've ordered something online and the package arrives.
- When your favorite artist releases a new album or song.
- Netflix.
- Realizing everything will be ok.

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