Do you ever feel like you’re empty, numb. Like you’re missing something but you don’t know what it is.

I feel this every day. I’ve broken my own heart because of my expectations. People say that it’s not love that hurts, but the expectations do. And it has left me broken but I’m now getting used to it. I don’t know if I’m making any sense, I’m so messed up right now. A lot has happened and I don’t know how to explain it. I feel numb and empty. Not sad, but empty. Still depressed. I feel alone. I feel emptiness. It feel like I’m missing something but I don’t know what. I’m so messed up. My mind is killing me. I’m getting worse and worse every day. Some days are worse than others. I don’t know what I’m writing right now, I’m just trying to describe my emotions.

I just want you to know that I don’t know how much I’ll update on this blog because I’m going through a lot but I’ll write as soon as I feel like it. Don’t be worried about me, I’ll be fine.. eventually.

Move your blog to Nouw - now you can import your old blog - click here!

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One day at school a few months ago, one of the boys asked, “what’s anxiety?” I understand that not everyone knows how it feels like to have anxiety but that they don’t know at all what it is, is kind of sad.

Now I decide to tell you all, what it feels like to have anxiety.


I notice that anxiety is hitting me when I can’t take deep breaths. I slowly can’t breathe. For every breath I take, my heart starts beating faster. It hits my rib cage hard and I get hot. I start shaking and gasping for air.

Of course, anxiety is different for everybody. I get anxious when I see lots of blood or when I’m in small spaces.

The anxiety is different depending on where I am. If I’m in public, I start shaking more and I get hot when my heart beats fast.

If I’m at home, I slowly can’t breathe and I start gasping for air while I cry.

If I’m at school, I start shaking and get red and hot and I can’t take deep breaths.

If I’m at the mental ward, if you’d see me there and having anxiety or a panic attack, you’d see and realize why I say that I’m messed up.

This is personal but I can share it with you. When I was at the mental ward and when I got anxious, I couldn’t breathe properly and all the memories, traumas and feelings hit me like a wave that drowned me slowly. I wanted to get out of my head so I started hitting the wall. I screamed into a pillow and cried. I was begging for the "nurses" to help me get out of my head. I wanted to escape my thoughts but I couldn’t. I wanted to hit my head into the wall but I didn’t. I wanted to rip myself into pieces to know that I’m not in a nightmare which it felt like. A panic attack like that took 1-2 hours to get through. I have longer and shorter anxiety and panic attacks.


Anxiety is nothing beautiful and it shouldn’t be something you wish you had. Anxiety is not fun or funny. It’s serious and actually pretty scary. I hope that this opened your eyes or helped you understand anxiety even just a little bit.

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​I don’t really remember the last time I wrote a life update. But I am writing one now.

If you read my blog you know what has happened. A lot has happened this summer and there are some really personal things that I won’t share with you. Lots of heartbreak, tears and homesickness. I’ve been really busy and I’m going through some tough stuff. Let’s just say, I’m getting some rest at a place I’m calling my third home. I will be here for awhile.

School starts next week and I will be home schooled for some time, which is nice in my opinion. What’s sad is that I had the worst summer break ever. I didn’t do any of the things I wanted to do. But oh well, whatever.

I wish I could tell you more but the stuff that has happened are so personal that I just can’t tell you.

I don’t really know what more to say except that I’ll be okay and no one should be worried.


I hope you all are okay and I hope you all had an amazing summer. *hugs*


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I think I've said this a few times, but I fall in love easily. People tell me that I'm so easy to get, and yeah maybe I am and let me tell you why. I fall for a person so incredibly fast. Just a simple text message, eye contact, a smile or a "hi" makes me fall in love. And it hurts. It hurts because people come into my life, become important and then they leave. I get that it's just how life works but every person I've fallen for has left me and it hurts. That's why I'm scared of falling in love. But even though I'm getting used to having a broken heart, it won't stop me from falling in love with people over and over again. I can't stop myself for having feelings for a person.

Some people play with my feelings and it hurts too but I can't really do much about it. I should ignore it when people play with my feelings but it's not easy and I don't know what to do about it. I just want to say that it's not fun when people play with someone's feelings, it's immature and also hurtful, so to the people who like to play with other people's feelings, stop.


Thank you for reading.

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I know that you can find it hard to help someone with anxiety and depression, especially if you don't have it yourself. I personally suffer from both anxiety and depression and people around me have found it hard to help me sometimes. When it's late at night and I get really anxious, the people I'm texting don't know how to help me, because they aren't here next to me.

Just the smallest and simplest things can help somehow, for example a hug. I have a few more tips or advice on how to help someone with anxiety and depression, or things that can help me at least when I'm anxious and depressed.

Stay calm. When you're on the phone or in real life, stay calm and speak calmly. Give hugs, they make us feel calm and safe. If you aren't face to face, that you're texting someone who is getting an anxiety attack, talk to them. Do not say "I don't know what to say" because that makes it worse. I know it's hard but try to keep a conversation going. Try and give them advice on what to do when they are anxious. Just talk to them, distract them from their own minds.

How to help a depressed person can be difficult. Especially if you've never experienced depression. But simple things like hugs help. You just need to be there for them. And if you ask them how they are feeling and they say "fine", don't always believe it. I personally say that I'm fine because I don't want people to be worried about me. I don't wanna bother people with my thoughts.

But just be there for people with anxiety and depression. Please do not tell a person with anxiety to "calm down" and a depressed person to "get over it" or stuff like that.

Hopefully this helped someone somehow. 

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I can believe that it's difficult to not hurt yourself when you're used to doing it. Personally saying, when I've done it once, I'm addicted. I'm sure some of you can relate. But I've been writing down different things you can do instead of, for example, cutting. I hope this helps.

- Try to focus on a good memory.

- Watch your favorite youtuber or just funny dog videos haha

- Cry if you feel like it

- Do yoga or meditate

- Write down song lyrics that you relate to or write poetry, whatever makes you feel better and more relieved.

- Repeat to yourself "I don't deserve to be hurt" until you believe it.

- Go to the gym, dance, or do any other type of physical activity.

- Paint or draw

- Write your feelings on paper then rip it apart.

- Run your hands under freezing cold water.

- Splash your face with cold water.

- Take a hot shower or a hot bath.

- Write, draw or paint where you want to cut.

- Play any musical instrument

- Doodle on paper or your body.

- Go outside.

- Be around people who you like hanging out with.

- Re-organize your room

- Watch your favorite show or movie

- Use red nail polish and paint on your wrists. (this works best for me at least)


I hope that this helped some of you at least.

You're not a waste of space

You deserve happiness and love

Everything will be okay

You do not deserve pain

You don't deserve to be hurt

You deserve to live

I love you

I'm here for every single one reading this



I'm going through a lot so we'll see when my next life update will come. But I'm okay, so don't worry. I'll write soon again. *hugs*

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Things change, people change and that’s just how life works. I find it easier to deal with change, by having an open mind. Be open. Change doesn’t always have to be a bad thing, it can turn out to be something good. People in your life are there to teach you something. People change, people come and leave. It can hurt. It most likely will hurt. Things change all the time, even the smallest things change. It can be hard to deal with it, depending what the thing is. I find it pretty easy to deal with change since I’m trying my very best to have an open mind.

I believe that everything happens for a reason. Things change, people change and someday you will find out the reason why some people and things changed. Try to think that change is good.

When I think about how I was one year ago, what my life looked like and stuff, it blows my mind what just one year can do to your life. This time last year I would never have guessed that I’d be in this situation. But here I am. I’m going through a lot, lots of changes and it’s sometimes hard to deal with whatever that is going on in my life, but thank God I have people around me who support and help me. To be honest, I’m anxious and scared of what will happen now in the near future. Lots of things are happening and I’m not willing to share it here yet, but someday I will.


I’m scared but this time, the change is good.


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I want to write this so you can know me a little bit better

  • I adore rain
  • Writing makes me feel alive
  • I love books more than I love pizza
  • I don’t eat meat (probably not so interesting haha)
  • I love to sing
  • I fall in love so easily
  • I’m bisexual
  • I’m a morning person
  • Morning is my favorite time of the day
  • Fall is my favorite season
  • I’m clingy and overprotective
  • I used to love school
  • Plants and flowers make me happier than you can imagine
  • I’m in love with stars, they are the most beautiful things in this universe
  • I love Sundays
  • Nirvana is my favorite band
  • I love fashion
  • I’m 5’2 (about 159 cm) so I’m really short
  • I’m depressed but somehow I still love life sometimes
  • I spend most of my time writing and reading quotes
  • I cry almost every day
  • I love my stuffed animals ok don’t judge me haha
  • I want to be a writer or an actress
  • My best friends are my everything
  • I have a hard time trusting people
  • I’m a christian aka I believe in God
  • I’ve never been on an airplane
  • I write in English 99% of the time
  • I can speak English, Finnish, Swedish and a little German
  • Seals are cute and they make me happy
  • Turtles are cute and they make me happy
  • I love adventures
  • I’m addicted to ice tea and all kinds of coffee (iced, mocca, latte, cappuchino)
  • My mind is more messed up than my life
  • I want to learn to play the piano better
  • I’m attracted to people with green eyes (but I love blue and brown eyes too)
  • I hate people who talk shit and stuff because they don’t have anything better to do
  • I’m not a feminist
  • Music makes me feel alive
  • I listen to almost all kinds of music
  • I have a big brother who I love to death
  • I want to travel the world
  • I want to move to London or Toronto
  • I used to have really long blonde hair but I cut it short about a year ago. A few months ago I dyed my hair red and it hasn’t completely faded away
  • I’m a person you can trust
  • Chocolate is my favorite candy
  • I have to plan out my day or/and week in time because I want everything to be organized.
  • I count calories because I’m stupid and I shouldn’t do it but I do
  • I don’t play sports (or do any kind of cardio haha fml) but football is fun
  • I love going to the gym
  • I deal with anxiety on a daily basis
  • My all time favorite animal/pet is chihuahua. I’m not kidding, ever since I was five years old I’ve wanted one.
  • Sweet potatoes and baby carrots are my favorite vegetables
  • I have internet friends and they are real friends idgaf about what you think about it. I recently found a quote that said “People who are far away from you can make you feel better than the people who are right here next to you.”
  • I love fruits
  • I hate horror movies
  • I’m left handed
  • I eat pineapple on pizza
  • I love anything that smells or tastes like coconut
  • One of my biggest goals/dreams is to someday have my own “at home library”. Basically walls and walls of books that I’ve collected since the age of 15.
  • I’m afraid of deep water
  • sharks and spiders terrify me
  • The Fast & Furious movies are my favorite
  • I don’t really like kids or I’m not good with kids
  • I love being productive
  • My room is clean 99% of the time
  • Black is my favorite color
  • I’m fragile which means I get easily hurt
  • If you scream at me I’m probably going to cry
  • I love boys
  • I love girls
  • I’m a nice person. Don’t confuse my personality with my attitude. My personality is who I am, my attitude depends on who you are.
  • I have to be organized or else I’m going to lose my mind
  • I have way too many notebooks
  • My dream job is to be a blogger, writer or a youtuber.

There you have lots of facts about me haha. So now you know me much better. I’ll write soon again. Hopefully you all are okay. *hugs*


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Every thought in my mind
they are slowly drowning me
my past is haunting me and
every dream
was woken up by scream
my demons are louder
every day is getting harder
I cause myself this pain
by thinking about the blade sharp words you say
I fall asleep to the pain of knives
and then I dream about heights
stars and angels high up in the sky
they make me cry
I'm bleeding out and
my worth I doubt
every word that I tell myself
they may
lead me closer to my grave.
every hour I'm awake
going crazier day after day
wondering why it all goes so wrong
wondering how can I go on
I'm giving up
I'm just too messed up
let me take this pain away
I'm sorry I don't want to stay
- t.e

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I fall way too fast and I hold on for way too long.
When I fall, no one has been there to catch me, like I’ve expected. Instead I hit the bottom and all the pain in the world runs through my veins that I want to slit open.
I get fast attached. So incredibly fast.
People come and go in life and I believe that everything happens for a reason and that every person that comes or has left or is in your life now, is there to teach you something. You may not know it yet, but you will someday.
I try to focus on the fact that people come and leave and that it’s just a part of life, but I still blame myself for people leaving me. Maybe I’m just too messed up? Too depressed? Too damaged? Yes I may be those three things, but even though I’m depressed and stuff, I’m still loving and caring, I promise.
I fall in love so easily and fast. We can have eye contact for a second and I’m already in love. Hearing your voice can have me completely in love. Lots of things, simple or not, make me fall in love. And please do not tell me “you’re too young to know what love feels like”. Just because I’m only 15, it shouldn’t impact any of my feelings, you know?
I don’t know if it’s a good or a bad thing to fall in love easily. And I don’t know if it’s a good or a bad thing if you feel deeply.
Here is a quote that I’ve come up with, “Heartbreak hurts, even if the person who broke it was never yours.”
I fall in love with people I know that don’t love me back, I fall in love with people I’ll never see again and I fall in love even if you just give me a compliment.
I fall in love so easily and my heart has been broken so many times, since I’m also very fragile. But it's okay.

.
“To be in love is like falling of a cliff with no intent of looking down. You don’t care if it’s going to hurt when you hit the bottom. All you care about is that for just a short period of time, you felt like you could fly."


I've fallen so many times but people keep letting me hit the bottom, no one catches me and it hurts.
But one day I will whisper
"angels can fly" and it will be my very last try.


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