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Hey everyone. How are you all? I hope you all are okay. I can't tell you I'm okay because honestly, I'm not okay. At all.
A lot has happened, and I choose to not tell you much about it.
All I can say right now is that, I need to get some rest. Focus on myself and my mental health.
I won't post on social medias much but I'll be back.
Just know that I'll be okay eventually, I hope I'll be. I can't tell you to not worry, because I know some of you probably will. But I hope I'll be okay. I will see you soon. Please take care. I love you. *hugs*

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'I was here' is a book by Gayle Forman.
I just finished reading this book and I am in tears. I cry often and I cry even when I read books.
This book is about a girl named Cody. Her best friend Meg committed suicide. Cody meets new people thanks to Meg. There's some mystery in this book also, which is a big part of it. There's also romance in it which I love.
It's crazy how a book can make you think so much, how it may even change the way you look at some things. It's crazy what a book can do to you.
This book left me in tears. Both tears of joy and tears of pain. Tears of joy because the book had a good ending. Tears of pain because this book made me think. How will people react when I kill myself, if I kill myself? How will it affect people's lives? Will some people follow me?
I imagine all the pain I'd put people through. I imagine how their lives would be like without me in it. I imagine what the world would be like without me in it.

I'm a little bit scared and worried. I'm looking for hope. If I can't save myself, I hope someone or something else can.

If you're worried right now, reading this. Just know that I'm okay. I am still breathing, I am still here and I am okay.

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It's the first of January 2017.
I don't really know where to begin..
2016 was filled with so much negativity, all over the world.
But even tho it was a bad year, I made some great memories. For example, I went to a concert for the first time in my life. And I started to hang out with new people and they ended up being the best people I've ever met. Now they mean everything to me.

2016 was a year filled with darkness but many lessons too.
I fell in love and I got heartbroken. I got heartbroken by people who weren't even mine. I'm asking God what I've done to deserve this much pain.. Maybe it's my fault I'm in so much pain? I don't know. But I believe that God has a plan and I believe that everything happens for a reason. I read a quote once that said "if the hurt comes
so will the happiness" ( - rupi kaur )
I just have to believe in that quote and I have to trust God.
I've fallen so many times in 2016 but I've gotten up. I'm still here, I'm still breathing.

It's 2017.
Nothing really changes, except the year and month. But the feeling you get, like it's a fresh new start. They say every day is like a fresh new start even tho it may not always feel like that. But when the year changes you feel like it's really a new start.
What I like about new year is that now I can leave 2016 in the past, I can move on and I can do something with 2017. In 2015 and 2016 I was so incredibly depressed and lost. Yes, I still am. I'm actually getting worse and worse. But don't worry. This year I will do something about it. You'll see.

But there's something I want to tell you. I maybe can't help myself but I want to help you with the words I say.
If 2016 sucked for you, don't worry. It's in the past, forget it if you want to. Move on. Do something with 2017. Don't look back. Don't look back at your mistakes and moments you don't want to remember. Leave it all in 2016. Get on with 2017.
You don't have to make any New Year's Resolutions. In my opinion, I think New Year's Resolutions are stressful.
But make sure to set up some goals for 2017 and don't stop until you reach those goals.
Make memories, take lots of pictures, paint, get to know new people, read new books, laugh until you cry, sing as loud as you want, do not care about people who judge you, get up early to watch the sunrise, stay up late to look at stars, smile, smile at strangers, give hugs, tell people you love them, do things that scare you, take chances, tell your crush you like him/her, dance in the rain, wear whatever you want, get out of your comfort zone, spend time with people you love, don't give up, stay strong and stay positive.

Make 2017 the best year yet. Make it a year to remember.

I love you all. *hugs*

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"I am a museum full of art, but you had your eyes shut." - rupi kaur

This quote is from my favorite book 'milk and honey' by rupi kaur. And I'm going to explain how I look at this quote, how I understand it. If you know what I mean, anyway..


"I am a museum full of art.."
I could be the most interesting person you'll ever meet, maybe. There could be so many things you could learn from me. Yes I am young, but I have been trough a lot both in 'real life' and mentally. There could be so many things you could learn from what I tell you about my stories and my experiences. Maybe I could inspire you somehow.
I am a museum full of art.
"..but you had your eyes shut."
But you chose to not get to know me. Maybe I was too messed up? Maybe I was too weird? Maybe I was.. just.. too much? You chose to not see the museum that I am. And it's okay.. Some people just don't like art.


- You are like a painting. Some people understand you and admire you. Other people don't understand you and sometimes they even criticize you.
But no matter what people say or think, you are art. Every art piece is different, just like every human being is different. And every art piece is beautiful, just like every human is, we are all beautiful no matter what anyone thinks. It just is like that. We all are beautiful. But it's up to you to describe what beautiful is to you.
Remember that you were art long before that someone came to admire you. And you'll continue to be art even after that someone is gone. A masterpiece is still a masterpiece even when the lights are off and the room is empty. A piece of art is still a piece of art even when the lights are off and the museum is empty.

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Christmas is over. And honestly I'm happy about that. Being depressed and wanting to cry is nothing no one wants to see or hear during Christmas. So I had to fake a smile and act to be happy. But now that Christmas is over, I can be myself again.
I didn't really have a nice Christmas.. You know when you just have a bad day the second you wake up. And it feels like nothing's going right and you can't wait to go to bed and hope that tomorrow will be better. Christmas was like that. I was in a bad mood pretty much all day and yes it sucks but I tried to do something about it but I just had a bad day and there was nothing I could do even if I tried. I did get a lot of nice gifts and I am so so thankful. I'm currently at my moms apartment and I really want to go home. My mom has such a small apartment that they would hear if I cry.. So I just keep it in and wait till I'm home in my own room in the middle of the night. That's when I can cry. It's just that I've bottled up these thoughts inside for like two weeks and I want to cry and let it all out. Thank God I'll see my psychologist tomorrow so I can tell her what's going on in life and in my head. And then I'm going home, that's when I will cry. Damn I really want to go home now.
So yeah Christmas wasn't so good.. And what's sad is.. this was probably my last Christmas and it wasn't the best one.. But whatever.
New Year is coming. I will spend New Year's Eve with my best friends and hopefully we'll have a good time since it will probably be my last new year. I'm happy I get to spend it with my best friends because.. God knows what could happen if I would be home alone that night..

I hope you all had a nice Christmas.
And I hope you'll have an amazing New Year. *hugs*

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It's soon Christmas. I'm on Christmas break so I don't have school in like two weeks which is good so I have lots of time to relax and sleep.
I'm really trying to enjoy this time of year.
Drinking hot tea, listening to Christmas songs, wrapping presents and turning on the Christmas lights. I'm trying to ignore my dark thoughts but to be honest, it's getting worse and worse for every day that passes by. I'm trying to write down my thoughts, describing how I feel in poems. I'm staying up late at night when it's all quiet and everyone's asleep, while I'm writing poems and letters.
I'll try my best to have a joyful Christmas with my family and I'll try my best to not let my dark thoughts take over.
I hope you all have an amazing Christmas filled with lots of joy. Make sure to eat lots of sweets and delicious food, have fun with your loved ones, relax, watch Christmas movies, open presents, take pictures, make memories and have fun.
I'll update here after Christmas.
I love y'all, Merry Christmas. *hugs*

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Life update once again.
So a lot has happened again. I choose to not share everything online.
Heartbreak and stuff but fuck it. But yeah a lot of suicidal thoughts like always. I'll at least be here until New Years so don't worry. Good thing is I have amazing best friends by my side even tho I'm really messed up.
School is pretty chill. Thank god tomorrow is December, can you believe it?! So it's soon Christmas which means more festive mood you know? I'm excited. Even tho I'm fucking depressed I'm trying to enjoy the holidays.
Oh and an update on my depression thing. So I've felt so depressed and other people are getting worried. But they don't really have to worry I mean I'm here for at least a month still?
I see my psychologist often so that's good. I write in my diary and I've been getting more into poetry which is nice. And I talk to my closest friends all the time. I meet them and hug them every day so that's good. So it's not like I keep everything to myself and not talk about what's going on in my head.
I saw a doctor with my psychologist and dad this week. I was so goddamn nervous but surprisingly, it went well. My dad was so chill. I thought he would be angry but no. So basically we talked about how I've been feeling. My dad doesn't know that I'm depressed because I'm good at pretending I'm ok and I never talk to my dad about how I feel and stuff. So they told dad that they're a little worried and that I'm not feeling good. They didn't tell him about my suicidal thoughts tho which is good. And we also talked about medicine. For a long time I didn't want medicine because if my dad knew I needed it, he would know that everything's not fine. But then one time I said yes I'd like to get medicine. Because it's getting to that point where people around me are getting so worried so I decided that the best thing to do is to get medicine. My psychologist also asked me once if I need to go to a like mental ward or something like that because she's worried I might lose control. I'd like to go to a mental ward but I hate people and being in a place I'm not used to be at makes me anxious. But we'll see. Maybe in 2017. I don't know. I have to think about it. But anyways so I got medicine. I took it for the first time today. The medicine I eat "is used to delay mood episodes in adults with bipolar disorder (manic depression)."
I googled about this medicine and it says that I may have thoughts about suicide while taking this medication. And then I read that less common side effects are for example depression and anxiety. So I'm a little bit confused. But I'm sure the doctor and my psychologist are sure about what they're doing so I don't have to worry about that. But yeah, so I got medicine. I still have to tell mom all about it because I haven't seen her in about a month and I'll see her this weekend.
But yeah, life sucks but whatever. I'm still breathing so that's good, right?


I hope you're doing good, enjoying the holiday season. And if you aren't doing so good, it's okay. It will be okay. *hugs*

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In the country I live in we don't celebrate thanksgiving. But if you read this and you live in a country where you celebrate it, happy thanksgiving!
Even tho I don't celebrate it, I'm still going to write a blog post based on what I'm thankful for.
I'm thankful for a lot of things, like my family, therapy, food, the roof over my head, Christmas, God and most importantly, my best friends.

I'm going to tell you more about why I'm thankful for my best friends.
They make me so goddamn happy. If I have a bad day, I can hug them and they make it okay. I hang out with them all the time at school and also after school. We listen to music, eat cookies, talk about life and laugh at dirty jokes. We write hilarious poems together and they make me laugh so hard my stomach hurts and I'm about to cry.
I love the way they smile and how their eyes shine when they're happy. I love the color of their eyes and I love their voices. I love it when they laugh. I also love that they make me laugh, they hug me and give me strength to get through the day. They listen to my problems. They accept my flaws, they accept me for who I am no matter the things I've done. They accept me even tho I'm messed up and depressed. They text me back when anxiety is kicking in and I can't catch my breath while I'm texting them I want to die.
I love spending time with them. Even if we just sit in silence. Just their presence makes me happy. Because when I'm with them, I know I'm not wasting a single second.
And that's it. That's what it's all about. That's what makes my life worth it all, what makes it worth living. The things they do, the little details about them. I love it all. I love their personalities, music taste and pretty much everything about them. I love it all. I love their flaws. No, they aren't perfect. They have made mistakes that may haunt them for a long time, but I accept them. I accept their mistakes. They aren't perfect, but they are flawed people worth loving. And I will love them until death, no matter if we drift apart in the future because they have given me some of the best goddamn memories that will last a lifetime.
My best friends are the only reason I'm still here. Without them, I'd be up in the stars right now. These people I'm talking about, they are like the blood in my veins and the air in my lungs. They keep me alive.

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In times like this
when hopelessness sinks in
I ask you God, guide me please?
During the darkest nights, I can not sleep.
I think about love and stars above.
Take all my fears, wipe away my tears.
For you God, I hope and pray
That I'm strong enough to stay another day.

In times like this
when hopelessness sinks in
I ask you God, am I even worth it?
During the darkest nights, I can not sleep.
I think about my life and people in it.
Take their fears, wipe away their tears.
For you God, I hope and pray
that they'll be strong enough to stay.

In times like this
when hopelessness sinks in
I ask you God, take me please.
During the darkest nights, I can not catch my breath.
I think about how, when and where.
My fears grow, my tears flow.
For you God, I hope and pray
that it will all be okay.

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Yes, I hold onto the stars. Yes, I let them burn me. Because no matter the pain and the loneliness, they keep me warm.
Some people may wonder why I'm so in love with stars. My friends for example, they have no idea why I love stars so much. Let me tell you why.
Stars appear every single night, right? They are always there, they will always be there, shining over us. When I lay under the stars I get a feeling of calmness. Stars make me feel like no matter what happens, they don't change. They stay pretty much the same, no matter what changes my life. No matter what happens in my life, stars are always there. Stars don't leave me, even if everyone else does. Stars will be there, even after I leave.
After I leave, if you feel alone just look up at the stars. I'll be there. And maybe you won't feel as alone as I once felt.

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