There’s a lot going on and I feel like I should talk about it. Everyone knows some things about me or maybe they think they know. Let’s clear some stuff up. I’m not sure if most of you know this or not and I’m not sure if I’ve ever mentioned it on my blog, but I cut. There I said it. But it shouldn’t surprise you, am I right? And now people will think “she’s such an attention seeker” just because I cut. And I get that. People don’t understand. Some people cut to get attention which I think is unnecessary. I’m not one of those people, believe it or not. I don’t do it for attention. I’m not going to explain why I do what I do because people will still not understand. People think that I cut to get attention because I wear t-shirts (and it also seems to bother people that I wear a push up bra and tank tops, which makes me seem like a goddamn whore which I’m not). I’m sorry but am I not allowed to feel confident in my own body? I wear whatever I want to wear. I’m sorry if it makes you uncomfortable or triggered but it’s not like I can just remove what I have on my arms. If it makes you feel better, sure I can wear long sleeved shirts in the middle of summer, or instead you can just ignore me and not look at my scars and if it’s hard to do since it’s pretty easy to notice my scars, just leave me alone? Don’t come near me. That shouldn’t be so hard to do.
And what other people may think it disturbing is how open I am. I “complain” about my life, because sometimes I feel like saying stuff. I’m not always i therapy and now I’ve realized that I shouldn’t say some stuff to people that I think is personal. Because people will get angry and tired because I complain. I’m just talking as if I would be in therapy, because I thought that I could trust them and talk to them. But since it bothers people and since it can give people more ideas on what they can say about me, I will stop. I will stop talking about stuff to people. But on this blog I will write about whatever I want to write about, since it’s my blog. I may complain a lot but it’s not like I’m the only one who complains about life.
To be honest, I shouldn’t care about what other people say or think about me. I know who I am and most of the people who talk about me, do not know me. They think they do but they don’t. Keep on talking about me if it makes you feel better but whatever you say, it won’t define me, it defines you.
Another rumor that I’ve heard is that my quotes and poems are disturbing or weird or too deep or ridiculous. Well in case you didn’t know, I love poetry. I love writing. It helps me. And hopefully my words help other people. Maybe what I write can be inspiring? or relatable? And just because you don’t understand the point why I write, don’t fucking judge? I think it’s disgusting how other people can talk about how they find someone else's passion disturbing or weird or whatever. Writing makes me feel alive, so let me feel alive. And what I write maybe doesn’t make sense to you and it’s okay. Sometimes people just don’t understand.
There’s a lot of rumors about me and people talk about me behind my back. To be honest I think that even my closest friends do that. And now I find it really difficult to trust people. But it doesn’t matter what other people think about me, what matters is what I think about myself.
I’m weird, difficult to handle and I’m really fucking messed up. I believe in God and I pray to God almost everyday. I don’t give a shit about if you think it’s unnecessary or ridiculous, I won’t change. I support equal rights and I hope that someday both women and men will be equal. I don’t wanna call myself a feminist because people don’t like that word. If you are a feminist, people see you as a person who wants women to be on a higher level than men, which is not what it means. But in today’s society, if you are a feminist it means that you want women to be on a higher level than men. So I’m not a feminist, just to clear that up.
I’m bisexual, which people have been really supportive about. It seems like it hasn’t bothered anyone, which is good. But what annoys me is that even though it’s already 2017, people still use the word “gay” as an insult. If you do that, it only proves what an immature person you are.
What also annoys me is that people joke about serious things like suicide and rape. It’s so fucking wrong to joke about that stuff. People don’t know what other people around them are going through. If someone is suicidal, and you say rude or inappropriate comments about it, you might push that person over the edge. And if you do push the person over the edge, don’t fucking say after that that it was their fault. Yes it was their decision, but thanks to you and other things, the person committed suicide.
And joking about rape is extremely inappropriate. There’s nothing that’s okay with rape or joking about it. No means no and there’s nothing more you should have to say. So don’t fucking joke about rape.
Speaking about suicide, it seems to bother people that I talk about it for example on my blog. I’m suicidal in case you haven’t noticed and once again people will think that I am an attention seeker and that I say it to get attention but I don’t. How can you be suicidal to want attention? It doesn’t make any sense. If you know someone who is suicidal, don’t talk shit about it. You should help them. Do something. Talk to them, not about them.
It bothers people when I say that I want to kill myself and that I will kill myself. And I get it. It actually should bother you. And to the people I’ve said that to, I apologize. I’m sorry. It may make you worried and I’m sorry about that. I will stop saying that. But then again, I mean what I’ve said.
What I also want to talk about is my mental illnesses. When I went to the mental ward I was obviously not in school. I’m sure that there were rumors going around. Someone told me that they heard someone say that going to the mental ward was exaggerating. I went there because I didn’t trust myself being alone? I wasn’t exaggerating ffs. Same thing with not being in school. These past few weeks I’ve been at home a lot, away from school. And all that people were saying is that I was “sick”, that I was pretending just because I was too lazy to go to school. No. I am fucking depressed and some days are harder than others. Some days I don’t feel like eating or even getting out of bed. So I come up with an excuse to tell my dad because he doesn’t understand anything about mental illnesses. So I stay at home because I just can’t go to school because I’m depressed. But I don’t expect people to understand. What annoys me is that people don’t talk about depression. We have never talked about depression in school. Last week someone asked what anxiety was and I got so shocked. I get that some people don’t know how it feels like to have anxiety but the fact that people don’t even know what it is, that makes me upset. I hope that we would talk more about mental illnesses at school so maybe people wouldn’t judge so much. I will actually make a presentation this time next year and talk about mental illnesses.
I don’t know what more to say. It’s over 2 am and I have to get up in about 3 hours. But I had to write this.
I hope that this helped some of you to realize some stuff. I just wanted to clear some stuff up. This, what I just wrote, is the truth. It is the goddamn truth. So don’t say stuff that aren’t true. I’ve realized that people around me, even some of the people I’ve trusted, aren’t worth my time. I will surround myself with positive people who make me happy. I will let go of people who aren’t good for me. And whatever you say about me, whatever rumour you decide to create, I know who I am and that’s all that matters. Thank you for reading this, I really appreciate it.