So I tried something tonight. Twice. And I truly realized how awful the things are that we use to try and even out our pain. We drink until we can't function or we do unbelievable things to our bodies to attempt to distract our minds from any internal pain that we feel. If my body reflected what goes on in my mind, I would be unrecognizably mangled. But I can't decide what I'm most disappointed about: the fact that I had to try twice, or that neither time affected me at all. Maybe I did it wrong. Maybe the third time really is the charm. But you, best friend, specifically trusted me to keep something l from you in order to protect you and I couldn't even protect myself from it. Another disappointment. I think a part of me is saying that it'll help but the other part is begging for me to find another way. I'm supposed to be the back bone. At least that's what I tell myself every day. In your times of weakness, you confide in me. And in my times of weakness, I try to do the same with myself as to not burden you with any more than what you're already going through. But I am weak. And I did fail tonight at distracting my pain. And I am sorry.
"Que Sera, Sera,
Whatever will be, will be
The future's not ours to see
Que Sera, Sera"
Walking across campus to my dorm at 3:57 a.m., this single line from the song by Doris Day popped in my head (probably because it's the only line I actually know). It really got me to thinking about how when I was younger I tried forcing things to go my way. Relationships, decisions that were made for me whether that's what I wanted or not.. But I always tried to do whatever I could to have everything be absolutely perfect. Being in college has made me realize that you're rarely ever gonna have things go exactly as you have planned. You're going to come in contact with so many people and unexpected changes that will alter your life and plans. Sometimes for the best, and sometimes these changes are unwanted but it's something that you can't fix and you have to make the absolute best of it. So, que sera, sera. Don't try to force things to go your way, because it will never work like that and you'll always end up disappointed. Just let it be and you'll find yourself so much happier.