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It a funny thing depression.
Its a disease that has almost no obvious side effects. It's a disease almost every teenager will develop before they reach adulthood. It's a disease that can literally make you feel as if you're dead. And most of the time you would rather be dead. Adults act like it's not there, family only ever seems to make it worse and you find yourself awake at 3 AM with stolen vodka in your blood system trying to fight the urge to swallow the 50 sleeping pills you've kept hidden in your closet. You walk around school and you watch everyone laughing and enjoying life and you finally understand why that girl killed herself last fall because nothing is worse than feeling alone in a crowded room filled with three thousand teenagers who are happier then you. Nothing feels worse then standing infront of your mirror the scars so prominat on your arm and the circles around your eyes are so dark that you can't even find it in you to act like you like what you see. And nothing is fucking worse than looking at photos from your childhood and realizing the care-free little girl you once were has fucking up and disappeared never to be seen again. And it's funny because some days you wake up and you don't want to die, some days you wake up and you feel every bone in your body and every mole upon your skin and the scars on your arm have faded so much there almost invisible you wake up and you realize just how human you really are and it's fucking amazing because you don't have to force yourself to drink coffee and you don't have to force yourself to take a shower and laughing is easy, smiling is easy, everything is fucking easy and then you go to bed and you wake up and you're back to being numb and you just want to fucking give up, you want to give up because nothing is worse then having 24 blissful hours of happiness only to have them torn from you. Being able to feel again had been such a lovely experience that when the numbness comes back it's fucking unbearable it's feels as if a piano has just fallen upon your chest and you can't fucking breathe and you try to go back to sleep but you can't go back to sleep so you try to get up and you can't get the fuck up and you're in this horrible limbo inbetween heaven and hell and at this point you don't even care if killing yourself is a sin because you don't believe in god because if god was real why the fuck would he make you feel so worthless? No god isn't real and the world is dead and I am dead forever roaming this earth a zombie craving the happiness everyone else pretends to feel. It's a funny thing depression. It tears you down and breaks you to pieces but it's also the only thing that wakes you the fuck up and you look around and you realize, you realize there are others who feel the same way you do. Who feel too big and too small and too noticeable and too invisible. Who would rather die then present a project. Who would rather die then tell there parents they love someone of the same gender. Who would rather die then admit they need help and no this isn't just some teenage hormones and no i'm not just being dramatic and no this isn't something that can be fixed by a relationship or a good cry because depression isn't sadness. It's a chemical imbalance in your brain that makes you feel nothing and everything and it's exhausting. Living has become exhausting.
Depression is a funny thing until it's not.
Ibland, eller egentligen ganska ofta. Varje dag, för att vara exakt, funderar jag på vad folk tänker. Vad folk tänker på när dom egentligen inte har tid att tänka på något annat än sitt jobb tex. Vad som betyder mest för dom. Vad dom värdesätter mest. Får dom någonting tillbaka, eller ger dom ingenting från första början. Eller ger dom och vägrar ta emot någonting för att dom tycker inte att dom är värd det. Eller ger dom bara för att få och inte med vilja, eller ger dom för att ge. Det här är en evighet av frågor jag inte tänker dra upp, just nu. Någon här och där kanske. Någon gång.
Jag, personligen, vet inte vad jag ska göra. Jag vet vart mitt hjärta är, men jag vet inte vad jag ska göra med det. Jag vet inte om jag tror att det är fel för att jag vill att det ska vara det eller för att det verkligen är så. Men det är det enda jag tänker på. Dagar som nätter. Jag försöker göra allt för att distrahera mig själv för att glömma det, bara för en stund. Men det kommer tillbaka som ett slag i magen. Eller ja, inte bara ett. Ibland känns det som hundra, minst. Och det är åt helvete. För jag vet inte vart det kommer leda. Jag hoppas på det bättre, men jag vet inte. Dom säger att hoppet är det sista som lämnar en, men fan alltså.
Okej. Eftersom att det var några veckor sedan jag somnade innan 3 på natten, så har det också resulterat i väldigt mycket nattkäk. Senast idag läste jag om hur dåligt det verkligen är. Och likt förbannat sitter jag här och trycker i mig godis och popcorn.
Jag måste fan få ordning på mitt liv igen.
Jag måste lära mig att äta rätt och regelbundet. Jag måste få i mig den näringen jag behöver.
Det här fungerar inte längre.
I hope when you peel citrus fruit
that it all comes out in one piece.
I hope that you have nothing to do today so that you can stay in the shower because sometimes that’s the warmest and safest place to be.
I hope you let the sidewalk kiss
the bottoms of your bare
blistered feet after you’ve walked
far too long in uncomfortable shoes.
I hope the lights are all green on your drive home.
I hope the cashier looks at you like you’re beautiful.
I hope you have an appetite tonight and I hope you have good things to eat.
I hope the walk to your car smells like trees.
I hope you haven’t forgotten how lovely you are.
We all have different definitions of a good day.
I hope you get some stuff done even when you couldn’t leave your bed last week.
I hope you went outside even though you didn’t want to see anyone.
I hope you at least have a day where nothing bad happens.
I hope you have a day when you give yourself a break because you need to remember that you’re human.
I hope you do something that makes you feel good about yourself.
I hope you do something for you and only you.
I hope you remember it’s not selfish.
I hope you remember it’s okay to eat.
Most of all, I hope you don’t die because
you are so many people’s reasons to stay alive.
Inte för att vara den som är den, men..
Mitt liv, just nu, är upp och ner.
Har ingen lust.
When things in your life seem, almost too much to handle. When 24 Hours in a day is not enough. Remember the mayonnaise jar and 2 cups of coffee.
A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him.When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.
The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls.
He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.
The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full.
The students responded with a unanimous 'yes.'
The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.
‘Now,’ said the professor, as the laughter subsided, ‘I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.’
The golf balls are the important things - family, children, health, Friends, and Favorite passions – Things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.
The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, house, and car. The sand is everything else —The small stuff. 'If you put the sand into the jar first,’ He continued, ‘there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls.’
The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you.
Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.
-Play with your children.
-Take time to get medical checkups.
-Take your partner out to dinner.
There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal.
‘Take care of the golf balls first — The things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.’ One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented. The professor smiled, ‘I’m glad you asked’, he said.
‘It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem. There’s always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend.’