The past few days, I’ve been missing my near ones a lot, a huge longing for my family and my friends.
I don’t know if it's because I'm in the middle of an intense period at school, midterms and exams, and a fear of not getting the grade that I wish for.
Maybe it's because the day i’ll return back to Sweden is getting closer and time goes by so fast. I slowly start thinking myself as if I’m back Malmö already. I don’t feel as if I’m in the present because in my mind it's already January 2018. Since I got that dream internship in Copenhagen next spring, that is all I can think about and try to prepare for.
Typically boring personality traits I wish I could get rid of.
I want to be able to stop thinking about my next steps, and enjoy what I'm doing now, right this moment.
Anyway, I miss my family more than I could ever imagine.
Perhaps it’s a clear sign of a stress that I never felt before in school, and a pace that I'm not used to. People are very competitive in class. I walked 5 miles from one campus to another only to take a picture of a water tap, which gave me 2 extra credits by Professor Laffey. Sometimes I think "Who am I, who have I become?"
When I miss my family, I have noticed little things that I unknowingly do to feel closer to my family.
I am drawn to luxury malls with ice-cold AC and mannequins lined up with dark navy blue suits. It makes me feel closer to my dad.
When I need my mom, I want to be near the sea, right by the waterfront where the sand meets the ocean. I almost feel like I’m in Sitges, just outside Barcelona where my parents have their apartment. It feels like my mother could as well have sat next to me, listening to her audiobook.
One thing I have also noticed is that I have a list of links to recipes. I save them in my notes and when I get home I imagine cooking dinner and baking with my sister. Brunches, buns and pots. Asian soups, Indian pots and pasta recipes. I am thinking about how I want to invite her in the middle of the week, to my cozy little apartment. Drink wine and eat comforting soups, and let her listen to all my unreasonable worries and thoughts with some jazz music in the background. I’m such a dreamer, a true romantic in my head. It sounds so pretentious, I know.
Right now I’m in a confused state of mind, living in the future. I just want to succeed in school, and I want my midterms to be over. In the last few days, I have thinking about the future so much that I forgot I'm in a city that I might never ever live in again. There for, sometimes, I have to tell myself to try to stay in the moment and enjoy it, because now it's not that much left of it.
Someone that has helped me with this is Billy Joel and his song “Vienna” . It makes me think of how sad it is to constantly stress through life, to try to reach the next goal after the other. Everything is left and still there waiting, and I think I'm one of many who tends to live in the future and not living in the present.
This will be my homework, in addition to all tests, tasks and extra credits.