So recently me and Rueben broke up, 1 year was amazing with him ! And I would never say anything to shame him or say that I regret what we shared. I wish things had ended very differently but CRAPE THAT FUCKING DIEM ! I mean I can't really say much about what happened since it was a very private relationship from the beg. I will say after the break up I lost a bit of myself. Like it was very different, not having him around to fall asleep next to or talk to for hours on end or make me dinner or rub my feet while drinking a glass of Chardonnay on the couch. So yes after the break up I went on the deep end. Started clubbing more, drinking more, sleeping less and having random hookups ( like a lot). I once had sex on a beach, it was crazy and I never regretted a minute of it no matter who it actually was. SAFE SEX IS KEY LADIES AND GENTS DON'T FORGET ABOUT YOUR AWKWARD HIGH SCHOOL HEALTH CLASS !!
So yes I had gone off the deep end, and I was oddly enough okay with it in the begging. I didn't mind the clubbing, it was fun. The drinking was fun THE NIGHT OF, not so much the morning after. AND THE SEX ?? Was AMAZING !!! Then I met this guy, who for our purposes we will refer to as Johnathan. That was sex on the beach guy. My night was amazing and I had begun to form a liking to him, after all we did not only have sex we talked and I got to know him.
Unfortunately it was only a hookup to him. There I was again HEART BROKEN
So I said no more boys for me until I got on my summer break at University.
I had written a poem, uggh high school days all over again. So I had wrote this after I decided I was done with boys and I liked it a lot so I thought I would share. Hope you like it, love.
She wasn't taking enough time to get over failed relationships
So she took a failed relationship into the next soon to be failed relationship expecting everything but failure
Only to be brought down to the ground and slapped with a label that said "FAILURE"
Failure was her problem
*Jonathan was just too good of a guy
He couldn't even be bad for her
He could only let her go in hopes of not letting her go back into his arms
Only to, allow himself to hurt her again
You see he had a flower
That had, had every petal ripped off only to have every petal put back on by the same people who abused her.
The same girl that talked about happiness and joy but couldn't find enough in herself to stay alive
Sustainability was her problem
So she went where the wind blew her
Did what she was told and blamed everyone for the havoc around her
Not realizing that she was the abuser
Addiction was her problem
You see, the abuser didn't like to be abused so she ran and flew into the arms of another mister who would insist upon treating her like shit but
Eating her for breakfast lunch and dinner
And a thong of endless thoughts pieced together like her thoughts wound up on the floor and not on her.
But somehow she wanted better ?
So she searched in all the wrong places
Ate at all the wrong tables and still found herself broken
Left with nothing but an opened and used wrapper from her last affair that was unfair because she accepted it
Acceptance was her problem
But somehow she still managed to smile because she wouldn't realize
Until she was left with nothing that she had lost everything becuase she had once had everything
Responsibility was her problem
She was a flower who had abused the water but then recovered to only be cut from the garden
She went against the grain to only witness the other fabric be cut before she got a chance
Timing was her problem
And somehow through her problems she still managed to face herself in the mirror
write her name on her paper and not fail 1 time but twice
And look her failure in the eye
She managed to keep breathing and lessen the addiction
And not accept the normal but try and be normal and be responsible and on time and she thought she would be okay
Being okay was her problem
Without knowing what it felt like to be loved by her abuser which was heruself, she wanted to just be okay or be loved by him , but either wasnt an option
She thought she would be okay
She thought she was okay
And somehow she was ?