for k.m.

I fell in love before my relationship even ended. Some might say it was wrong for me to be so captivated by someone while in a relationship with someone else, but you just can't help when these things happen. I remember the first time I saw him. I had been at a party for a while and I was ready to leave. I was stumbling across the lawn in pitch black when I ran into him. I suddenly didn't want to leave anymore. It might sound crazy but I knew from that moment that he'd be hard to get over. I never wanted to get over him.

Fast forward to the night I broke up with my ex. I left the party I was at and my friend Sarah decided she wanted to stop at our friends apartment. We walk in and there he is, sitting at the table looking back at me in his black v-neck. That night started an incredible, spontaneous 2 year love story that was also heartbreaking and exhausting. But no matter how many fights we got into every Thursday night at the bar, no matter how many times I left crying only to turn around and find that he hadn't followed me, I still could never let him go. Something always brought me back in. Something always told me I was meant to be with him. He was the one.

I've never met someone who was so much like me; someone who knows every intricate detail about me - what makes me laugh, or cry, what makes me angry, and then what makes me happy again. He's never held my past against me, only sees it as what brought me to him. Honestly I don't know what brought me to him, but I am so thankful for it everyday. Have you ever met someone that just being near them felt like home? It's almost as if your two halves of the same whole; like no matter how close your bodies get to one another, its just never close enough. If you ever feel it, don't ever let it go. Loves like these are few and far between. It feels like my soul is finally anchored to something and to someone. It feels like I'm home.

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I know a lot of what I said last night was contradicting - telling you that I have learned to love myself and be happy but also that I make decisions sometimes because I am not happy or I hate myself. It's a lot, and it puts your head through a goddamn whirlwind, I'm sure. I've been a really conflicted person, and I know that you've picked up on a lot of that these past 5 months. I'm torn between two parents, between wanting to have a relationship with my dad and resenting him for destroying the relationships within my family, between needing space from my mom and wanting to drive home right now and giver her a massive hug because I know she needs it but I know I need it more, and between loving you and acting like it doesn't kill me every time I want to talk to you and feel like I can't. I act on impulse. I fabricate a justification in my head - pretending it will help me, grow me, or even make me stronger. I am not proud of all of the decisions I have made, but I don't regret them either. Every single decision I have made has led me to this exact moment, finding a passion in writing, discovering everything I have to offer the world, realizing that I am capable of learning from mistakes and of breaking bad habits.

It wasn't you being with other girls that made me want to be with another guy, but that when I least expected it, when I had no intentions of it happening, I fell for a guy who from the beginning told me it would never go anywhere. It shook me to my core knowing that I was the wrong person for the right person. I think part of me wanted to convince myself that you were wrong for me too, that if you didn't want me then I didn't need you.

When it comes down to it, it doesn't matter if I ended things with a guy or if he ended things with me. What matters is that it wasn't right, it ran its course and then it ended. Some ended quicker than others, some were more difficult to get over, and some I was so happy to leave behind. I know it hurts you to have to hear about them, see them, and know them. It hurts me that you don't see how different you are to me, and how different I am from the person i was with them. You kept saying last night that you hated that they had me, that they saw the same parts of me you saw, and you could not be more wrong. You captivate me, like there is no one else around. I feel comfortable and safe, but also vulnerable and raw and absolutely terrified. No one has seen the parts of me that you have seen. Beyond any choice I have made, you see the person in me that I thought I lost so long ago. For the first time I wanted someone to see all of me. Letting you in was the easiest and best decision I have ever made.

I truly can't thank you enough for the support you've given me. You played a huge part in getting me through one of the toughest times of my life and I will forever be grateful to you for that. You made me feel important and worth something, but more importantly you taught me how to feel that way. I'll never let that go.

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"Let's be wildflowers; let our souls be scattered by the wind. Let us grow, wild and free, between the cracks of brokenness, and we will make everything beautiful."

We are tested a number of times throughout our lives. Obstacles are thrown in our paths, and the way we react to them determines the kind of person we are and the kind of person we will become. We look for ways to cope with the changes in our lives - from eating healthier, to working out, to spending more time focusing on things that are productive and worthwhile, but sometimes things still just feel off. Sometimes we need a sense of permanence to remind us that we ourselves are permanent.

About a year ago, I experienced the biggest shift in my path. The most permanent aspect of my life began to feel very temporary and very unsteady. I myself was unsteady from the impact of my parents' divorce. People always say that being older should make divorce easier because you can understand it better, but I feel its much more difficult because you've known one way of life for so long. Suddenly a wrench is thrown in all of you plans, in all of your memories, and in all of your dreams of the future.

I stumbled across a saying once which read "I hope you have a heart like a wildflower - strong enough to rise again after being trampled on, tough enough to weather the worst of the summer storms, and able to grow and flourish even in the most broken places." For the first time in so long, I felt calm and so sure of myself and where my life was taking me. I felt like a wildflower.

All my life, I wanted to get various quotes tattooed on my body. Always something I heard once that made me feel something, which I then quickly forgot about. There was something different, however, about the way these wildflowers signify the story I tell. My tattoo gives me the ability to use my own words. The message can evolve as my life evolves. Right now, my tattoo signifies that beautiful things can emerge from the most broken places. Years from now, my tattoo can mean that I will bloom wherever I am planted. However permanent it may be, this tattoo can grow along side me, and its path can change as mine does.

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I never liked writing. Growing up I always hated writing assignments in school. I hated being prompted to write about something that did not interest me, being graded on grammar rather than the complexity of thought. Writing was boring. It still is boring if you aren't writing about the right things - the topics that stretch your mind, the ideas that pull you out of your comfort zone and don't let you turn back, a string of words that turn into a sentence that can set your soul on fire. I never liked writing until I had something to write about. And let me tell you I have much to write about now.

I am not  the type of person who has a clear understanding of their thoughts as they are thinking them. I find that it is difficult for me to process feelings and emotions without talking through them, writing them down, and then reading and rereading until it all makes just a little bit of sense. I've become a different person since I started writing. I have learned patience, taking my time to understand myself and the people around me. It perplexes me that writing about my feelings has been so therapeutic, rather than a massive headache and a mess of frustration. Emotion is fluid - constantly altered by externalities, molded by the people around me, interpreted in a multitude of ways, always changing. Writing it down seems trapping, permanently carved into the woodwork. No do-overs, no take backs. 

As I continue to write, and hopefully as you continue to read, you will see that my posts are contradicting. I am a contradiction. I have been torn in two, now just making sense of my thoughts and feelings and my behaviors that all seem to belong to completely different people. The things I have experienced have forced me to look at life through a new lens. This is the world through my eyes, in my own words.


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