Hur går man vidare från känslan av att sakna någon? Utan att saknaden ska fyllas av en ny människa? Jag saknar.
Jag är så viktig. Jag, jag och jag. Men glöm inte, dem andra omkring dig. Men låt dig inte gömmas bakom dem du älskar. Jag tvekar inte en sekund längre, på att jag kan, precis som du kan. Du är värd det bra som händer, men likt mig, kommer du ha nedgångar. Dessa är till för att sedan visa oss det fina i livet. Låt dig inte skrämmas, såsom jag gjort, det har bara givit mig ånger. Om det du gör inte leder till det du menade, leder till till något annat. Kom ihåg, det fanns hundra tillfällen, men till slut fanns det bara ett enda liv att ta vara på dem i.
Hmm, lately I've been quite busy, since thursday I've been doing stuff together with my friends so it really doesn't feel like it's only been four days. It's been very lovely and fun. On thursday we went to a party, some of our friends got invited later also - such an amazing surprise. The night went perfect, me and the 1975 dude spent a lot of time on the piano, we created a song and just sang along to Body Gold (haha I think you know it's my favourite by now) whilst he played it. Because I love to dance I did that a lot too, it was so much fun like always.
The roof guy and I talked a lot, we just sat close to each other and counted how many sips wine we could manage to take in one go. After a while we went out for a smoke (I didn't smoke) and I got to pick out his lucky cigarette. We stood outside and looked at each other and then he leaned in and kissed me, it was so sudden and passionate. Oh god. It was just one of those moments, you know.
When we left the party the two guys went home with us to my friend, she was home alone. The roof guy and I went over to my house to pick up a joint first, haha. Later when we sat at the balcony and smoked he said "Do you want to shotgun this hit? Yeah you do" and we did. Everything I've done with him in the past is just like this, magical but so real - I don't even know how to describe it. This was a awaited good night. I'm hoping to experience more nights like this during break, apparently we're going to a party on wednesday and then our friend is throwing a party (everyone is coming!) later this week - Can't wait.
Hm, you know this dude, who loves The 1975, we met him at my party over a year ago. During break we talked a lot on the phone, over message and snapchat. Oh no, it's not like that, he does this with "everyone" but it's just lovely anyway. We talked about everything, literally. With this guy you can talk about more deep things, life, death, love and everything in between. We talked for hours, sometimes when he was drunk. The last time we spoke he had been drinking and he was on his way home. It was really fun and he was so goofy, that night we talked for over six hours. When I think about it, it's crazy, I love it. During that time he drank his wine, we discussed several things, he played guitar along with the songs Somebody Else and Body Gold and we even made a song together. He told me stories about his childhood and we brought up memories we had togehter, we also laughed a lot.
It was morning when he started to watch True Romance (I suggested it, so he could see the connection to the song Robbers). It was so early in the morning so we both fell asleep and the call continued for another four hours. Can't even explain how normal it all felt, when I reflect over it now it sounds like a lie, too perfect to be true. These are the things I want in my life and everyone should experience moments like this, but people are so uptight and acts by rules, instead of just living.
Let me tell you how amazing things happen - it's when you decide to live and don't take actions too seriously. It's all about temporary pleasures. Give in too them and let them happen.
It's so ironically that I didn't write here when things actually happened in my life. Maybe that's exaggerating a tini tiny bit but I'm just in a place where I really feel like I need things planned out and to be busy all the time - which I am not. Could spend my time on homework but I have no motivation, I really enjoy psychology class so I think I'll start writing on a essay after this before I'm going to a friends house tonight.
(I really need to read this text over when I have time, it's so messy)
I am sorry. I am sorry for myself, I am sorry for the people around me. I am sorry that I thought I knew what I was doing and how I was acting. But I did not. I am sorry.
Everything changes so quickly and I'm not up for it. I just want it to be like before a little longer, I thought I had forever, but I don't anymore. Everything is new and I have to settle for what I have. Lying to myself is one of the worst decisions I've ever made, eventually it will catch up with you and it will get harder to breathe for every second. Now I need to find out who I want to be and start living like that, but the worst part is that I know I will end up like this, again.
Thinking I had forever is the most fucking naive thing, I didn't have forever and that's what makes me want to throw up the memories.
Oh my god, I've just read through all my posts - everything is so different now. It doesn't have to be a negative thing, of course, I'm just surprised over how things are now - it's only been about a year. Looking back at the memories and feelings I've written here I'm kind of sad that I didn't keep on doing that, it's wonderful to read about your own experiences and emotions - now I don't even know where to start, I can't write about the whole past year. What makes me a bit calmer is that I have been writing in a journal for a while now, so a lot of my past memories are written down.
I must say that I wrote damn good sometimes, I guess it comes naturally when you feel certain things. Well, maybe I'll be updating here, just because I really enjoyed reading the other posts.
Heads up, remember the roof guy at the party over a year ago? Spent new years eve night at his place - That's not the only thing that's been going on - but I'll keep everything about other persons and wonderful times to myself, for now.
I just possibly had the best day and night. First I was in town and just hung with two friends whilst one of them worked. I bought two pair of mom jeans - one pair was as on sale for only 10 pounds! I also bought presents to one of my friends because it was her birthday the next day. Afterwards I went home for a while then I went into town again to have late lunch with the two of them, we ate at Brooklyn bar - so nice and yum! We then got the idea that we should go to the cinema to watch a movie, which did not happen. Then we were going to color the birthday girls hair blonde, did not happen either. When we sat in a park later two guys were there playing guitar and singing, they also drank wine, lovies. It was almost 00:00 when we walked past a restaurant that was playing Ben Howard - Only Love, so we just went inside and ordered three cokes and sat there until 00:00 and it was her birthday. I just love how magical and good the night went even though we had no plans at all. I had to write it down to save as a memory.
By the way I'm writing this post from my phone and it's so freaking irritating, gah. Won't make my night bad though - so goodnight before I get mad.
I'm always away for a long time, don't know why. It almost feels like I'm away to collect information, then write it here - kind of.
I hate the new updates on nouw, I hate the advertising they have all over the blogs now. I hate summer some days, I long for winter and darkness, the cold weather. I miss it so much. It just feels like everything is wrong, I'm sick all the time and it never seems like I get better, it's too freaking hot inside, I'm craving bad food like crazy lately and I haven't been working out anything. I really need to snap out of it and get control over my life again. I'm starting tomorrow - I'm going into town to hopefully buy some boyfriend jeans. I want to tell you more but my computer is about to die and I don't have a charger so I don't know when next time you'll hear from me will be. Until then - enjoy yourself.
Hi. I'm just dropping in to write some news. So anyway, I made my decision about "college" a couple of days ago - I chose the International Baccalaureate. I regretted my decision the day after but there's nothing to do about it now. I'm just trying to stay positive and motivated about going there in a few months and it really is taking a huge step for the future and a huge step to be able to grow as a person. I hope it's going to be great but I know that I'll have to work hard to make it work, especially with the math - I freaking hate math.
If we're not talking about school I'm really feeling the whole "being around people makes me happy" again. I just want to hang with friends all the freaking time - and party haha. I'm really liking the song Resolution - Matt Corby - it's freaking wonderful. Can I not write freaking again?
Well, it was great to write a bit even if this post was a bit jumpy. Now I'm off to watch the movie Pride and Prejudice (I have to read the book as well - I'm making a speech about it in literature history and I'm really excited!
Ahhh I forgot how irritating it is to be sick, it doesn't make it any better that I had to go to school today because of some essay shit, even though I felt like fainting when I woke up this morning. I'm coughing like hell but dad went to the grocery store and he's hopefully getting me a ben&jerry (crossing fingers on half baked).
Ice cream plus som SOA, and my evening is complete.